Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I don't know anything anymore

I've always wanted kids, at least one kid, but now I'm not so sure. Why would I want kids with the same problems that I have? Why would I doom some poor child to a life of suffering? If a lot of this is really genetic, like I think it is, then my child will have the same stuff that I do. Poor kid. Bipolar disorder (possibly), bulimia, cutting, anxiety. It just seems cruel to pass on those fucked up genes to an innocent baby.

With the cutting, I go between thinking that it's alright and thinking that it's really messed up. If I see someone on TV cutting themselves (like the movie I just watched on Lifetime, called Acceptance), then I think it's ok. I think, "She's just using this to get her feelings out, and she'll figure out something else eventually. It's just a temporary coping mechanism." But then if I think about my future child ever cutting herself, it totally freaks me out. If I ever found out that my child was cutting, I would be very concerned. So I guess I don't know how I feel about all of this. I'm stuck between wanting to be concerned about myself and wanting to downplay how I'm feeling. I'm the queen of minimizing, and that's definitely what I'm doing now.

For some reason, as I've mentioned previously, the whole rape thing is really getting to me now. I can't sleep and I want to cry all of the time. I can't stop picking fights with my family. I just want to go back to school, ASAP. It's funny: when I was at school, all I could think about was getting home. Now that I'm home, all I can think about is getting back to school. I think that I tend to believe that the physical place I'm in at the moment is causing my problems. But no matter how many times I move, it's still me. When I was getting ready to go to college, I was extremely excited to get to a new place and reinvent myself. But once the newness of college wore off, it was still the same old me, depression and everything. I was really excited to go to Australia, and I think I believed that it would somehow "fix me" if I went overseas. Now I'm glad I'm not going, because I think it would be a really bad thing for me right now.

Well, I might want to get some sleep...
Sleeping is hard right now. I keep seeing her face (you know, the bitch who raped me). I hate her so much.

Friday, December 24, 2010

There isn't a title to fit this post

A lot's been happening I guess. My ED is probably the least of my problems. The biggest ones are the rape and the depression/hypomania. I officially have some sort of bipolar-like mood disorder, probably Bipolar II Disorder. It's the less intense one where you get hypomanic episodes instead of full-blown manic ones. Mostly I get the depression, but being on the Lexapro earlier this year triggered a huge hypomanic episode. That definitely explains the copious amounts of hook-ups and alcohol use!

In other related news, I am not going to Australia. My college called a week ago and said that they weren't comfortable letting me go overseas. I guess I'm too unstable. I think the biggest reasons they won't let me go are a) my suicidal intent shortly before I left school in December, b) my alcohol use, and c) the lack of support available to me at the Australian university. Other reasons include a) they're covering their asses, b) they don't like me, and c) my rape. It's very frustrating that they didn't tell me all of this sooner, because I'd already purchased my plane ticket, student visa, health insurance, etc. My family is out about $1,000. The school agreed to absorb the cost of my student visa ($500), otherwise we'd be out $1,500 instead. I'm trying to fight with the airlines and the study abroad program to give me back the rest of my money. I mean, if I had a heart attack and couldn't go abroad, they would totally give me my money. This is the same thing! Hopefully something can be worked out.

I guess I'm disappointed. It's very disconcerting to have planned for something for over a year and then suddenly it's not possible anymore. They said I could go abroad in the fall if I wanted, but I have plans for senior year. I want an internship with the Admissions office and I want to do a senior thesis (which you have to be invited to do!). So going in the fall is out. However, it's not all bad news. I can minor in religious studies now, which I couldn't do before because I didn't have time with the study abroad. I also get to see my friends and have a strong support system as I recover from everything that's happened in the last year. I also get to see my crush, although I don't know if she likes me back, so that's another story I guess :)

I'm trying to look on the bright side. Mostly I'm affected by other things like the rape right now. I got an email from my school last night about the final outcome of the report that I filed. Basically, my attacker is not allowed to contact me and is not allowed on campus until after I graduate. I think that's pretty good for what I had to work with. It's hard to do anything to a person who is graduating. I think the hardest part of all of this for me is having to think about it again. I had sort of pushed it away, and I had to read her statement in the email, and that was very upsetting. I hate her so much. She lied to the school and said that I said I would hurt myself if we didn't have sex. I would NEVER say that. You guys know me! I am not manipulative with my self-injury. It's only for myself! Even my therapist said that it was the most bizarre excuse she'd ever heard, and she's worked on a lot of college campuses before. Ugg this just makes me so angry. I wish she would die.

Blarg, well I think this has been long enough. Oh, last thing. I got on a new medication because Lexapro wasn't working anymore and then it made me very suicidal when they upped my dose. So now I'm taking Lamictal. 25mg for two weeks and then 50mg for two weeks, and then we'll see. I really hope this helps! I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.

Love you all, and sorry I've been so lax in posting and commenting.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

This is something I got in the hospital, and I love it. It's by Portia Nelson.

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever  to find a way out. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still take a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. 
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

This describes eating disorders to a T. My depression and my self-injury are just like this. I like to pretend that I don't think they're a problem, but I'm just ignoring the problem. I actually have to walk AROUND the hole (my problems) and do something differently to solve them. I have to call a friend instead of cutting again. I have to go to the hospital instead of crying myself to sleep, holding a bottle of Tylenol. I have to face my rapist instead of ignoring the issues I'm having.

Speaking of that last point...
I was raped.
December 3rd.
I was drunk.
She was attractive.
She was supposed to be taking me home and putting me to bed.
Instead we had sex.
I didn't consent. I was FAR too drunk to be capable of consent. 
I wouldn't have consented if I'd been sober.
I woke up naked, wet, and completely confused.
I remember nothing.
I reported the incident to my school, after I found out what really happened.
I am still waiting to find out what happens to her. 
I should know tomorrow.
I hate her so much.
I can't sleep.
I have no appetite.
I am afraid to leave my room.
I have panic attacks.
I have lost many friends (the ones who are siding with her).
I just want to go home.

But this time, unlike last time, I reported it. I didn't ignore it and pretend that it didn't happen for four years. I faced it. YES! That's the victory in all of this.

Monday, November 29, 2010


I am completely swamped for the next week and a half. I have a bazillion papers and projects due between now and December 7th, so basically, life sucks right now. The biggest thing is a 15-25 page paper due on December 7th that I haven't even started yet. It's for my cultural math class, and I'm doing it on math and knitting. Sounds cool right? Unfortunately it's not as interesting as I thought it was going to be :(

In other news, my eating is going alright. Thanksgiving was fine, except for the usual fullness that accompanies good food and friends. I've been a little unhappy, but not enough to complain about. I'm mostly just really stressed about all the work I have to do. However, after the 7th, I only have a paper to write and an exam to study for on the 14th. So I just have to get through the next week! I CAN DO IT! I hope...

I am never taking this many classes again. Ugg...

25 Random Facts About Me
1. I am taking a math class but I hate math with a passion.
2. I love the squirrels on campus! So cute!!
3. I have four cats and 10+ fish at home, and only one lonely Jade plant here at school :(
4. I love to psychoanalyze people.
5. I have a boob obsession.
6. I love puffed Cheetos and toast.
7. I hate waffles.
8. I knit Christmas presents for my friends every year.
9. I'm currently knitting a pair of socks for my mom.
10. I don't have time to be write this blog because I have so much work to do.
11. I am drowning in homework.
12. I love to read historical fiction books.
13. I have three jobs at school.
14. I love cats.
15. I wear Fantasy by Britney Spears every day.
16. I NEVER wear shorts and only wear skirts or dresses on the weekends when I go out.
17. I'm in a sorority, but it's not what I expected it to be.
18. I wish I was more girly that I am.
19. I want to be a school counselor when I graduate.
20. I have an awesome 18-year old sister who I adore.
21. I love the color blue.
22. I have at least four best friends.
23. I sometimes forget that people in the real world don't talk about sex as much as people in college do, and so I say stuff at home that I shouldn't say.
24. I had an imaginary friend when I was really little named Pipsy.
25. I was suspended in high school for threatening to kill someone.

On that cheery note, I hope you all have a great day! Love you :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I feel that an update is in order

Definitely. A lot has happened since my last post (12 days ago!). The biggest thing is that I checked myself into the hospital on Thursday night (November 18th) and was there for four days. I went to a counseling session on Thursday at 3 pm, and was completely honest with my therapist (I had been lying to her about the suicidal part and how seriously I was cutting, among other things). Because of everything I told her and the fact that I have been spiraling downwards during the past month, she and I agreed that the safest place for me would be the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself and she didn't feel safe leaving me alone over the weekend. So I checked into the hospital on Thursday night at 7 pm.

It was actually quite nice! The ward I was in was an inpatient psychiatric and addictions ward. I had a roommate who was detoxing from alcohol. She was super nice, as were all the other patients. The nurses were all very welcoming and the therapists were nice too. I was terrified at first, and sort of in denial that I was in a hospital, but I got over that eventually. On Friday, I saw the psychiatrist, who upped my dose of Lexapro from 10mg daily to 20mg daily. I started feel better from that change on Sunday. Other than that, the biggest helps were the massive amounts of group therapy and just being around others who were dealing with the same issues. I had group therapy 5 to 6 times per day. Each session was about something different, like boundaries, communication skills, or something similar. I made a few good friends, too, and I have a few phone numbers and email addresses from people I met in the hospital.

Overall it was a good decision for me. I was discharged on Monday morning and resumed classes yesterday. The biggest thing I learned is that I need to ask for help before it gets too crazy and I need to be in a hospital. I learned that people really don't mind helping me, and in fact, they want to help me! Crazy, right? I'm really glad that I went in, because now I realize how serious my problems actually are and how much I need support.

I'm planning on seeing my therapist here (at school) until the end of the semester (December 15th), and then I am seeing my therapist at home on December 16th. She can refer me to a psychiatrist in Oregon, and he or she can monitor my medication better.

I'm basically just glad to be alive! Thanks to everyone who was helpful during the last few weeks (friends, sister, parents, etc). I love you all! THANK YOU.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I hate this week

I've been having a really hard time. I haven't really been honest on this blog, because my sister reads it now, and I didn't want to worry her. But after today, I feel like she deserves to know what is really going on.

I've been cutting. I went 23 days without it, and then two days ago I started again. You might ask why. Sometimes, it's just too hard to keep fighting. Sometimes I just want to give up. On Wednesday, I did give up. I gave in and bought razor blades. And I cut. And then again yesterday I cut. Except yesterday was different. I cut my ankle, and it was pretty deep. I probably needed stitches, but I don't like seeking medical attention for self-inflicted injuries. One of my friends had requested that I tell her whenever I either want to cut or have cut, so I went over to her room and talked about it with her. She freaked out a little when she saw the cut, and said she was going to call campus security to take me to the hospital for stitches. Unfortunately, at this point I had to go to night class, so she said she wouldn't call them until after my class. However, I was terrified and ended up sobbing all the way to class, so that when I got there, I was a mess. My professor (who is also my advisor) of course was concerned, and I told her exactly what was going on. With my permission, she called the residence life staff person who was on-call, who called the Dean of Students. I talked with both residence life and the assistant Dean of Students last night, and they made one of my friends sleep over with me. They also had security check on me. I had to meet with the Dean this morning as well.

Unfortunately, the Dean is not the best at dealing with these sorts of situations. She basically lectured me about how I shouldn't be so selfish and shouldn't put other students in the position of having to call security, and how I am a disruptive influence on campus. It was a horrible hour. That is NOT how you deal with someone who is self-injuring!! What a bitch.

Then at lunch today, one of my best friends revealed to me that she was planning to check herself into a psych ward today, and she wanted me to come with her and check in as well. At first I refused, but as I thought about it more, I realized that I really do need help. So I agreed. I called my parents and told them my plan, and they were surprisingly supportive. Usually they are against all forms of therapy and medication. I also called my sister and told her (I love you sis!!).

Well, I didn't end up checking into the hospital. The counselors at the campus health center told me that I probably wouldn't be admitted because I'm not in immediate danger of ending my life. Yes, I am suicidal, but I'm not going to go jump off a bridge right now. So both me and my friend didn't end up checking in. I'm wondering if this was the right decision, but I'm sticking with it for now.

The summary of this whole thing is: I'm depressed. I'm cutting again. I am suicidal. I might need to be in a hospital. But I love my friends and family, and I appreciate all the support I have received in the past 24 hours. I'm glad I have such good friends.

I'm sorry if I worried you all. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. Hopefully, someday that will happen :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Would anyone notice if I disappeared?

Let's be realistic. I don't think people would notice for at least 2 days, maybe a week. If I didn't show up to my classes for a week, my professors might become concerned. If my friends hadn't seen me in a few days, they might text or call me, but it wouldn't be unusual for me to not answer, so they wouldn't really be concerned. My boss at work would probably just think that I was sleeping through work, so he wouldn't report me missing. I can't think of a single person who I see regularly enough, or who cares enough, to report me missing after less than 2 days. After two days, the people who I eat breakfast with MIGHT get worried, but they would just assume that I was sick or something. All I'm saying is that I don't feel like people would miss me. What's the point?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I really need to grow a brain

Seriously. Yesterday I nearly did something really stupid and dangerous, but thank goodness my common sense kicked in (was it God?) and I got myself out of the situation. Here's the back story.
Yesterday I signed up for OkCupid, which is an internet dating sight. I signed up because I'm doing a research paper on internet dating, and decided to get some firsthand knowledge. In the first 30 minutes of me joining, I was talking to three or four people, all who wanted casual sex. The first two I turned down because they were creepy dudes. But the third was this really nice 18-year old woman. We chatted for a few hours by email before she even brought up the fact that she was looking for a woman to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend. For some odd reason (maybe I was flattered? maybe I was looking to try something new?) I thought that it would be a great idea.  But of course, I was still super careful. I refused to give her my phone number. I agreed to meet her and her boyfriend for coffee at a coffee shop that is within walking distance from my college campus.

But here's where I get dumb. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I thought about it, but I thought that if I told anyone they would be horrified and tell me not to go (this should have been my clue that it was a bad idea, but whatever). When I got there, they were pretty nice. We chatted for about 45 minutes, and then I got into their car. Dumb. Never get into a stranger's car! I have watched WAY too much Law and Order and CSI to get into a stranger's car willingly! The whole time, my alarm bells were going off. But I let them drive around, trying to figure out a place to go.

Finally, my common sense kicked in, and I told them that I wasn't comfortable anymore. They were super nice (thank God!) and took me back to the cafe. I am so glad I didn't die or something. I could have been kidnapped. I could have been raped. I could have died. But I didn't. I am positive that God is to thank for this. I know many of you aren't religious, but I am. I sent a quick prayer up to God on my way to the coffee shop last night, and I know He heard. Thank you God! I am so glad that I'm safe.

The other horrible thing about last night was that the guy in the couple reminded me of Creepy Old Guy. I dated this man when I was 16 who was 28, and I call him Creepy Old Guy. No one knew I was dating him. My friends barely knew and my family had no idea. We dated for four months before I came to my senses and broke it off. In fact, I actually broke up with him on the same day that I told my parents about my ED! Weird coincidence, huh? But anyways, he definitely took advantage of me, and I used to have nightmares about him. When I first got to college, I used to think I was seeing him everywhere (because he said he was going to come with me to college). Creepy! But the guy last night reminded me of him, and that totally freaked me out. A lot.

But the good news is that I came to my senses and I got myself out of there! I feel like I would not have done that a few years ago. I would have just gone with it.

I think I need to chill for a few weeks and focus on myself. No hooking up. No drinking. No crazy shit. Just me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I don't know

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I feel like I can't write in this blog because so many people in real life read it now. My sister, my friend. I don't want to hurt them! I don't want to accidentally say something that will especially upset them. But I have to keep writing. I don't know.

In other news, I had a fun Halloween weekend! Here's a picture of me in my costume:

**Picture deleted for privacy**

My costume looks way better in real life, I promise. The dress is super cute :) It was a great weekend, and I ended up hooking up with this really hot girl and getting an offer from another girl. How do I find these people? They just come to me.

I've been struggling a bit otherwise. It's been over two weeks since I've cut, and it's harder every day. I thought it was supposed to get easier! My therapist and I have been getting into scary territory in sessions, so maybe that's what is triggering me. In terms of eating, I'm doing alright. I keep thinking I'm fat, even though I know I'm not. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I AM BEAUTIFUL!

My friend made me this beautiful little booklet full of inspiration for when I feel bad about myself. I don't know if any of you are religious at all, but I love this quote from Psalm 121:
I lift my eyes up unto the heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The maker of heaven and Earth.

It's a beautiful quote, and I hope that I can think of it and ask for help if I need it.
Well, I need to go eat breakfast. And coffee! I NEED coffee. Love you all!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Those who mind don't matter

I've actually been doing pretty well this week! I had a good weekend (some nice hooking up), and I think I've gained a friend-with-benefits! I've talked about her before - Isabel. We've made out before, and this weekend we made out a lot and some other stuff ;) However, there are some limits to our relationship, because she had a boyfriend. They decide together how far they want her to go with me. But I'm totally fine with it, because she's super hot, and I get to make out with her!

Besides my sex life, I'm doing alright. I haven't cut since last Monday. My food stuff is going alright. I feel really fat, but I know that it's all in my head. I'm back to the weight I was at before I relapsed last semester, and that freaks me out. I've been weighing myself (I know, bad) because I have a scale in my room now. It's not mine - I borrowed it from a friend before fall break so that I could weigh my suitcase. I keep forgetting to give it back, but I really should do that soon. I need to stop weighing myself. About half the time, I can stop myself, but the other half of the time I can't.

Feeling fat all the time is really throwing me off. I feel like I can't wear a lot of my clothes, and that sucks. I like my  clothes, but I feel too fat to wear them. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. The only time I feel really attractive is when I'm dressed up to go out on the weekends. I felt really pretty this weekend when I went out, and really sexy ;) It's nice to feel wanted.

I'm a little bit worried that I'm using sex to make myself feel validated and attractive, but I don't think that's true. Maybe a little bit. But isn't it nice to have people want you? It's definitely a self-esteem booster to know that I can get anyone I want. All I have to do is show off my body and flirt, and BOOM, I have a hook-up. I guess having huge boobs is finally paying off!

Well, my homework needs to be done :( I have an exam in psychology tomorrow and a writing paper due Friday. I'm also hosting a prospective student this evening, so I can't do much homework after 7 pm.

I hope you are all doing well! I <3 you.
Remember: be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
~ Dr. Seuss

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


I realized today that I'm grateful for many things, and I should remind myself of those things more often. I am grateful for:

  1. The beautiful weather we had today.
  2. The fact that I could enjoy the weather today.
  3. My friends and family.
  4. My support system and the fact that I can call any of them, anytime, and they will help me.
  5. My sister and her wonderfulness!
  6. Chocolate.
  7. My curiosity and willingness to learn.
  8. Laughter and its healing powers.
  9. My openness with others and how that can create connections that I never thought possible.
  10. Being alive!
There are so many things to be grateful for, and even though I sometimes forget this fact, I think it's really important. I need to think about the things I'm grateful for each day, and remind myself that I do have things to live for. I have friend and family who love me, and a bright future that I don't want to miss. I am grateful for life.

On a slightly different note, I am quitting my self-injury. I have been a cutter on and off for almost eight years, and it's time to stop. I have three support people that I can call if I want to cut, and a bunch of things I can do instead of cutting. I also have this amazing website (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/kharre.html) that I can visit if I need extra help, and hotlines that I can call. I CAN DO THIS. I may mess up, but that's alright. I realize that cutting is a coping mechanism for me, and that doesn't make it bad. However, it's not healthy and I need to find better coping mechanisms. So if I slip up and cut, it's alright. But I'd rather not :) I'll keep you all updated!

I love you guys, you know that. Stay strong lovelies!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Finally back at school!

I got back to school this evening. It's so good to be back! I liked being home, but I love being at school even more. This morning, right before we got in the car to go to the airport, my parents and I had a huge argument over religion. We were having an intellectual conversation over breakfast about religion and tolerance, which they proceeded to take personally and we ended up yelling at each other and almost not going to the airport! I guess I learned my lesson: my parents can't have an objective, intellectual conversation. Ugg. This is why I like college.

Overall, the trip was pretty good. I got a lot of homework done and spent a lot of time with family. I also did quite a bit of shopping and got four dresses, one skirt and two pairs of shoes! Wow! Here is a picture of one of the pairs of shoes:
They are amazing! However, I have a hard time walking in them because of the five-inch heel... but I will get used to it :)

I can't wait to get back to classes, as strange as that sounds. I just want this semester to be over so I can go to Australia! That's where I'm studying abroad next semester, fyi, in case I didn't tell you all.

Well, it's past my bedtime. I hope your Sundays go very well! I love you all <3

Monday, October 11, 2010

Doing much better

Sorry to scare everyone! I was pretty scared myself. I guess I need to be A LOT more careful. It's healing nicely, and I'm going to be just fine. Don't worry, I won't be doing that again any time soon.

I'm at home now, which is pretty nice (home is Oregon, school is Wisconsin). My dad has cooked delicious food for me every day! So far I've had grits, pad Thai, grape muffins, and tortellini with alfredo sauce. Tonight we are having eggplant musaka. So much good food! On Friday we are probably going to have my favorite food ever: hopping john! Hopping john is a southern food that involves black eyed peas over rice, served with cornbread and fried okra! It's delicious. It's traditional to have hopping john on New Year's for good luck. Anyhoo, I'm excited.

Today my mom and I are doing some shopping. I want to get some short skirts and v-neck shirts, so I can look super slutty for going out on the weekends ;) I want a skirt something like this:
We'll see if I find something that I like, but whatever. Well, I love you all! Thanks for all your support and concern last week. I really appreciate that someone cares. One of my friends at college said before I left, "Make sure you come back from break in one piece!" Thanks. I will try :)
Stay strong!

Friday, October 8, 2010


I had a little scare today guys. I went to Walgreen's after work this morning and purchased new razors. Here's where it gets scary and weird. I started cutting after I got home and it didn't hurt at all. Not one bit. Like, what? Then I took the blade away and noticed that I had cut really deep and there was a gaping hole in my wrist... shit. It took it 15 minutes to stop bleeding, and it was still gaping. I freaked out. I put a bandaid on it, and hoped it would be alright, but I couldn't stop thinking about how last time I had cuts like that, they got really infected. I really don't need an infected wound right now. After lunch, I finally got up the guts to tell a friend what was going on. She convinced me to go to the Health Center, where they cleaned it and put a steri-strip on it to keep it closed. I'm really glad I went, even though it was horribly embarrassing. They made me see a counselor before I left, which was really embarrassing too. I didn't want to talk to her. Mostly I was just really shaken up and scared. I mean, I could have died! It just makes me realize how I could accidentally cut too deep and die. It didn't even hurt! How is that possible?

I think this is a big wake-up call for me. I don't really want to die, even though I think about it all the time. For realz.
Ok, I really need to sleep. I'm going home for fall break tomorrow, and I need my rest. I hope you are all doing better than me :) And to my friend who helped me today, I LOVE YOU. You are amazing and fantastic and I am so glad I have you. Thank you.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Well, my life is just a mess right now. It's a good mess and a bad mess at the same time. Here is the bad:

- My friend Tess (the one who I hooked up with and was pissed at me) sent me this text yesterday after I asked her if I could still hang out with her on the weekend:
"It's completely off limits. I never want to see you with any amount of alcohol in you again."
Bitch! So now we are not friends.
- I feel really awkward around Amanda because nothing's happened since last weekend, and I don't feel like pursuing her right now.

The good:

- I made out with my friend Isabel last night. She has a boyfriend but is allowed to mess around with girls if she wants to. She's a really, really good kisser :)
- I'm just having a really good day. I went to see The Social Network (the movie about FaceBook) last night with my sorority sister, and it was awesome! We also ate Chipotle, which was amazing.

I hope this weekend is filled with awesomeness. I have a ton of homework, but I'll manage. I'm really busy today, so most of my homework-doing will be tomorrow I think.
Also, I've been cutting a lot. Since Tess and I are no longer friends, it doesn't matter where I cut because no one's looking. So I've been cutting my wrist, which is my favorite place. I will stop when I'm ready.

Have a great day everyone! Love ya <3

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Having a little trouble

Hi guys :) I've been struggling a bit lately. I haven't posted in a while because I'm not sure what to say. I ended up hooking up with a guy on Saturday night, who happened to be a friend of Tess's. Let's call him Joe. Needless to say, Tess was PISSED. Apparently they have a history together, and she was really hurt that I would do that. The words she used were that she "was just letting me into their friendship group and then I had to go and blow her best friend." I understand that she's upset, but here is where I'm coming from:

1) How was I supposed to know that they had a history?
2) I was really drunk and don't really remember most of it.
3) I wasn't the only individual involved - Joe was also there.
4) I wasn't aware that I had a received an invitation to join their group. I thought we were just hanging out.
5) Tess seemed fine with it (we were all hanging out beforehand), and she didn't say anything to stop us.

I feel like I didn't really do anything wrong. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have done it. But I did, and I can't change that. And I didn't know it would become a problem.
Anyway, this whole drama-fest plus mountains of schoolwork have led to me struggling. I almost had a relapse this morning. I planned last night that I wasn't going to eat today, so I didn't eat breakfast. But around 10 am, I was STARVING, and I realized that I can't do this anymore. I am not happy when I'm starving, and I'm not a nice person to be around. I'd rather be liked the way I am than be skinny and alone. So I got breakfast and ate it. I am also going to eat lunch and dinner.

I also started cutting again. I know, bad Liz. But sometimes you just need it. I didn't want to start again, but the urges were really strong. On Tuesday night, I really wanted to (and hadn't yet), so I texted Tess. She had told me previously to text her whenever I was struggling with that. She came right over and helped me through it. What really hurt me, though, was that she thought that I was lying about it, just to get her to come over. Really? When she said that, I told her to get the hell out of my room. But she came to her senses and stole all my sharp objects, and talked to me. However, she also told me that if she ever finds a cut on me (that I made myself), she would cut herself and it would be like I was cutting her. Way to guilt trip me! This means that I have to be really careful, because that sounds like a horrible experience. So I cut on my ankle, below my sock line, so that if she checks me then she hopefully won't find it. But let me tell you, I really miss doing my wrists and arms. I kind of wish I hadn't told her.

Well, lunch is calling my name. I hope you ladies are doing better than me :) Stay strong!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I'm a super slut

And I love it!!! It's great! I kissed two girls last night and hooked up with one. I thought it would be Amanda, but it actually wasn't. Although, we did sit next to each other, and she gave me a kiss and some flirtatious glances :) So obviously that's going somewhere, maybe tonight.

Let's start at the beginning. I got pretty drunk last night. I had probably 5 or 6 drinks, which is a good amount for me (meds or not). I felt drunk, but my mind was still quite clear. Weird, huh? At about 1 am, I was talking with two friends (let's call them Marisa and Tess) and we ended up making out with each other. Yay! Marisa is straight but makes out with girls when she's drunk. Tess has a boyfriend because it's more comfortable for her than dating girls, but she's seriously into girls and hooks up with them all the time (her boyfriend lets her). Later that night, when everyone had left, Tess and I were alone in her room. We ended up making out, and other hook-up stuff (!).

Basically it was an amazing night! I am playing golf with my sorority tonight, which should be awesome. Golf (for those who don't know) is a drinking game. You usually have anywhere between 20 and 50 people playing. Most of the people split into teams and make a different drink at their "hole." Each hole is in someone's room or lounge or whatever. Then you start at one hole, drink their special drink, and then move on to the next hole. It's a great way to get drunk quickly. Usually it has a theme, so our theme this time is "Ladies Who Lunch." Basically preppy sorority girls. I've also done Superhero themed golf and Dinosaur themed golf. You are supposed to dress up for the theme, which makes it super fun!

Ok, I have to go to a sorority breakfast, but I love you all! OH! I have 100 followers!!!!! This is so cool!!! I'm super excited. I hope your weekends are awesome. Stay strong!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Rawr means "I love you" in dinosaur

Well, life is passing by quite quickly these days. Sometimes I feel like I just want it to stop for a few minutes so I can catch my breath! I don't have any news about Amanda. I've seen her around, but she hasn't made a move yet. I made the first move by telling her that I'm interested, but now it's her turn. I'm hoping for something this weekend. Unfortunately, I have my period, so anything down there is out of the question. But I'm totally up for some making out!!

I have some pretty spectacular weekend plans as well. It's Homecoming Weekend, and my sorority is having some fun activities. On Saturday we're having a breakfast and a hour tour for the alumnae, and then we're tailgating the football game all afternoon. Then on Saturday night, we're having golf (a drinking game), which should be a ton of fun! I might be hosting a hole in my room, but we haven't made official plans yet.

Oh! Also, I had one of my friends tell me that she thinks I'm super hot and sexy. Let's call her Jamie. Jamie and I have been friends since last year, and she was previously dating another girl on our floor. They broke up about two months ago, and Jamie is still getting over her. She says she doesn't want a relationship or a hook-up right now, but maybe something later. I told her that I would be around when she was over her ex, and she said she might take me up on that! So basically I have a relationship lined up for after study abroad :) Yay yay yay! I'm excited, and she's super cute.

My homework is calling to me. It's saying, "Liz, Liz, please do me!" Haha, that sounds dirty ;)
You all are amazing! Sorry I've been such a deadbeat blogger lately. I promise I will try to comment on your blogs soon (unless I don't read them anymore because they're triggering). Stay strong!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Hi guys! I'm super hyper right now. This is just how I am first thing in the morning (I know, really weird). I have exciting news! I have a crush on someone. And I told her. And she is adorable.

Basically, she's bisexual, and she has a boyfriend but she basically fucks everything in sight anyway (I guess they do some sort of open relationship thing). Let's call her Amanda (not her real name). She kind of smokes a lot of weed, which is fine with me. She also smokes cigarettes, which is less fine but I can deal with it. She's super adorable and always tells me I'm amazing and wonderful.

Just to clarify, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship right now. I really just want someone to make out with. That's it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually hook up with a girl (since I've never actually done it before...) but we'll see what happens. Since Amanda gets around, she's pretty experienced, so I'm sure I'd be in good hands if I decided to go for it. Ahh! I'm just super excited! And super hyper. Wow.

Also, a friend told me that apparently you can drink alcohol while on antidepressants. I also Googled it, and it said that drinking in moderation with Lexapro is fine. So I'm testing it out. Last night I had 1 shot of vodka with flavored water thing. I was completely sober still. Tonight I might have 2 shots. I would like to work up to 4 or 5 drinks, and see what happens. Obviously, if something bad happens (like I get really sick or something) then I'll stop. But it would really be nice to drink again.

Ok, that's it! I have to go eat breakfast. Ugg. I hate breakfast because I can never find anything I like. Breakfast food is gross. Have a great day everyone!

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I feel like I should post, but I'm not sure what to say. I've been doing alright the last few days. I haven't been crying a whole ton, which is good because I HATE crying. My friends have been amazingly supportive and I'm almost constantly surrounded by love :) I have already received three letters in the mail from various sorority sisters offering their support.

I also reorganized my room, since most of my decorations were his. I received four posters that I ordered from Amazon yesterday, and they look amazing! Here are three out of the four:
You can't see it very well, but it says "It only takes a single thought to move the world."
This one says, "There is no end to the amount of things you can achieve." 
This one says, "It is not the position you stand, but the direction in which you look."

I love them! They make my room look so much better. My friends are also taking me to Wal-mart today to get some food and other things I need, since I lost my ride (Aaron has a car). Well, that's about all I have to say. I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend :) Stay strong!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It's official- I'm single

It's really weird too. I haven't been single in two years. Yesterday, also our two year anniversary, I broke up with him. I told him that we were clearly in different places in our lives (I want a long-term relationship and he's just not ready) and that it wasn't good for either of us. I said that I thought I was putting a lot more work into the relationship that he was, and that wasn't fair for me. He agreed, and said he was sorry for not trying harder. He also said that he finally realizes that he needs to stop talking to Sara so much (his 14 year-old friend), because this could be a problem with future partners too. DUH. But I'm glad he finally realizes it. I think this break-up is a wake up call for him. He thought he would have me for as long as he wanted, but that wasn't true. He thought he could just coast and let me do all the work, but that's not true either. I'm really glad I finally came to my senses and did what was right for me.

I just remember that I was considering breaking up with him in June (see this post) for the exact same reasons. But I didn't do it because I had a summer job with his parents, I loved him, etc.
I am just glad it's over. Sunday and Monday were really horrible because I put all of his stuff in the corner of my room and then I just kept looking at it and feeling guilty. But I made a list of why I should break up with him (I love lists, they help me a lot). Here it is:

-         I have changed a ton over the last two years, and he hasn’t
o       How I’ve changed:
§         I am better able to manage my anger.
§         I am better at communicating my feelings, even in the heat of the moment.
§         I have become more of an adult.
§         I have accepted that I have some issues that I need to work on, and have actually worked on them.
o       How he hasn’t:
§         When I ask him to work on something, he generally doesn’t do it.
§         The only thing that has improved in the last two years is communication, and that’s only marginally better.
-         He feels like he can’t communicate with me
o       I feel like a partner should be able to tell their partner everything, but he can’t do that. He tells Sara more things than he tells me, and that hurts me.
-         He thinks I’m bossy and order him around, even when I don’t
o       For example, when I invited him to Oregon with me to visit my parents, I said that I would love for him to come. He took that as an order, and later blamed me for making his parents spend all that money, when he really just didn't want to go. Then I felt really guilty for a long time, which was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault.
o       I am constantly monitoring and modifying my behavior to make sure that he doesn’t feel ordered around. He doesn’t do anything to modify his behavior on this issue.
-         Sara
o       Although I don’t want him to not have friends, I also feel really uncomfortable with him hanging out with a 14 year-old who is basically in love with him. I don’t trust him to not break up with me later because he wants to be with her (especially since he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me in graduate school and that he might want to be with her eventually).

I feel like these are all really good reasons to break up with someone, so I definitely did the right thing. It started because of Sara, but now I realize that there are a lot more problems than just her. However, I don't regret dating him, even though it sucks right now. I wouldn't pick anyone else to be my first love or to lose my virginity to. He was the best boyfriend I have ever had, but we just aren't right for each other in the long run. But it was great while it lasted :)

I'm doing alright, although I've been having little mini breakdowns every day. Yesterday I had to skip work because I had a breakdown at breakfast and had to be comforted by my friend for an hour. Today I had another freakout during breakfast (Although this time it was because he came over and was angry at me for talking to his parents last night, even though they called me!! What was I supposed to do??), but I made it to class and was ok. I'm just really exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I wish this were the summer, because I have way too much homework to be dealing with this right now! Arg! I just hope I start to feel better soon.

I love you guys. I really appreciate all your advice, and I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy! Stay strong everyone <3

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I think my boyfriend and I are breaking up...

I need your guys' advice on this. I need to know if I'm being rational about this, because I don't want to end a good thing if I don't have to.

My boyfriend Aaron has this 14 year old friend named Sara. They've been going to this summer camp together since they were really little and they're best friends. Unfortunately, Sara is completely in love with Aaron, and he has feelings for her sometimes too. Two summers ago, when we had been dating for about six months, he went to camp and came back thinking he had feelings for her. He also texts her constantly and tells her a lot of stuff that he doesn't tell me. He goes to Madison to visit her a lot too.

Yesterday was one of those visits, and he was gone all day. He came back last night around midnight, and we were going to have some sexy time and sleep over at his room. In the middle of making out, I suddenly had a thought and asked him if he still had feelings for Sara. He said that he didn't have sexual feelings but he felt like he needed to protect her. I asked him if he felt that way about me, and he said no, he didn't think I needed protecting. Then I asked him if he wanted to be with her, and he said not now. Meaning he does want to be with her in the future. Then we talked a lot about our relationship and he mentioned that he didn't think we would still be together in graduate school. He doesn't think that he wants to have a long-term relationship with me, and he doesn't like living with me. Last year we lived together and I was really unhappy and we fought a lot, but that was mostly because of my ED and depression. I asked him if he wanted to try living together again, now that I'm happier, but he said he didn't think it would work out.

At this point, his meds wore off and he started freaking out, so the conversation pretty much ended. The impression I get is that I am just an in-between relationship while he waits for Sara to get older. I don't want to be in a relationship that I know is going to end in two years. I also don't want to be used like that.

We talked again this morning, and he apologized and took back some of the things he said last night. But they can't be unsaid. He can't just say he's sorry and expect me to be alright with everything again. I've been ignoring the Sara situation since the first month of our relationship, but I just can't anymore. We've been together for two years at this point. Monday is our anniversary. When he talks to her, it's like he's having an emotional affair, and that's not fair to me. I told him that if he wants to stay with me, he has to cease all contact with Sara. Of course, he said he couldn't do that. So I told him that I wanted to take a break for a couple of days, and think things over. But I think I need to end it.

I really need some advice here guys. What do you think? Am I looking at this situation rationally? Thanks :)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Exercise and Weight

This morning I went to work out with my friend at school. She wants to go regularly but wants a workout buddy because she knows she'll never go on her own. I have been thinking about getting a workout buddy or just going alone for a while, but haven't really acted on it. We were doing homework together last night, when she mentioned that she should really work out sometime. I suggested that we work out together, and we agreed to start with twice a week: Saturdays and Mondays. The workout this morning felt really good. I just did 30 minutes on the stationary bike, plus some stretching. I didn't push myself too hard, and I read a textbook while I biked. My heart rate still got pretty high for me, so I felt like it was a successful workout. I didn't do any weights or anything, because my friend wanted to go after we did the cardio. I had planned to do some weights, but I was fine with leaving without doing them. I used to panic when I didn't get my whole workout done, but I was fine this time.

I think the difference this time is that I'm exercising for my health, not to lose weight. Yes, losing weight would be a nice side effect, but working out is also really good for you, and that's why I'm doing it. I think having a workout buddy will be really good for me too, because she can recognize if I'm getting a little obsessive and reign me in.

While I was at the gym, I also weighed myself. I know, I really shouldn't have done that, and I'm regretting it. The gym has two scales, although neither is really accurate. The digital scale is about 10 pounds off (makes you look lighter than you are) and the doctor-style scale is about five pounds off (makes you look heavier). I weighed myself on both and came to the conclusion that I'm 195 pounds.
When I saw that number, I was not happy. Remember a while back, I said that I would freak out if I was over 190 pounds? Well, I'm there. And I'm freaking out a little. I DO NOT want to be 200 pounds again. I worked really freaking hard to get below 200 pounds, and I'm not going to wreck that. I want to lose a little weight and get back to 185, but I also don't want to trigger myself into relapse. I think the key is that I am eating a lot of dessert, and I need to cut back on that. Would it be alright to limit myself to only having dessert at dinner? I don't know. I'm nervous about that.

Ok, I have a shit-ton of homework, so I better get on it. I think taking five classes, having two jobs, and being  in a sorority was a mistake... Love you guys! I really appreciate you, and I just want you to know that. Stay strong <3

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Courtesy of Google Images!

The last few days have been alright. My eating has been good, although I've been eating more sugar than the days before these. But you know what, I'm totally fine with that. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, and I am not going to be concerned about what I'm eating, just how I'm eating it and when. That seems like the best course of action.

Today I donated blood, which was good. Last time I donated blood, which I think was before I started this blog, I was fasting and it didn't work out well. I didn't eat anything before or after I donated, and I almost puked/passed out afterwards during a class presentation. It was horrible! But this time, it went really well and I feel great. I'm glad that I'm not doing any fasting anymore.

I also had a big exam in my Dinosaurs class today, which was alright. I studied super hard, but I am not sure how well I did on the exam. Some of the questions were worded kind of weird, and one of them questions I had never heard of before and had no idea how to answer! But overall I did my best, so that's the only thing I can do.

I guess that's pretty much all I have to say :) It hasn't been a super good week, but it hasn't been a bad week either. I am really glad that tomorrow is Friday though! It's been a long week, and I need a weekend. Also, I have a ton of homework that I need to get done between now and Sunday and Monday. Yuck! I hope your Thursdays and Fridays are fantabulous! Love you all <3

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Did I mention I hate migraines??

Courtesy of Google Images :-)

I hate them, seriously. Last night I could feel myself getting a migraine. It started around 5 pm, and got steadily worse. At 6 pm I took some Excedrin Migraine to see if I could make it go away before it got bad, but it had gotten worse at 7 pm, and I knew the meds weren't going to work. By 8 pm, I was so nauseated that I though I was going to throw up, but then I got up and walked around and that helped a lot. I went to bed and was able to sleep from 10 pm to 12 am. At 12 am, I got up to pee and the light in the hallway and bathroom triggered horrible pain. After that, I was awake with the worst headache pain I've had in my life and awful nausea. At three points between 3 am and 5 am, I was sobbing because it hurt so bad. I thought I was dying, seriously. I even told my boyfriend that I loved him and wanted to be with him forever, and if I died then I just wanted him to know that. Luckily he wasn't too fazed by that and he was really good at distracting me from the pain. At 4 am I took some more Excedrin Migraine, which didn't help. Finally at 5:30 am, that pain dulled enough that I was able to get to sleep. By the time I woke up at 6:30 am for class this morning, the pain was gone. I was still nauseated until after lunch, but it wasn't nearly as bad. I was also really shaky until after lunch, even though I ate a good breakfast. Right now I'm still not 100% because I'm super sleep-deprived.

In other new (good news, not bad), my food is going rather well. I ate half a bagel and a pastry for breakfast. I ate the pastry first, and then couldn't finish the bagel because I could feel that I was full. Yay for listening to my body! I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, French fries (I know, not the healthiest choice), and pretzels for lunch. That must have been a lot of food for me, even though I didn't feel overly full, because I wasn't hungry for dinner 6 hours later. However, I ate anyway, because I wouldn't have had time later. For dinner I had a beans-and-rice concoction (I always make it when the food really sucks at the dining hall), some mashed potatoes, and peas&corn. It was a good dinner! Oh, and I had milk with every meal. I'm trying to get as much calcium as possible, to build up my strong bones.

So overall it was a good food day! I wanted some dessert at dinner, but it was cherry pie (which I like but not that much) and so I didn't get any. If it had been something chocolate, I probably would have gotten it and that would have been ok too. I am doing well by taking this one meal at a time. I don't think about the other meals I've eaten during the day when I'm eating a meal, because that makes me freak out a little bit. I just think about what looks tasty and how hungry I am.

Well, I really need to get some sleep because I'm seriously exhausted. I hope your days all went well! Remember, if you need anything you can always email me :) Stay strong lovelies!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Eeek, a talking muffin!

Courtesy of Keeks at Babeled.com
I think today was good, foodwise. I ate a bagel for breakfast, and that lasted me until lunchtime. After breakfast, I was getting ready in my room and had the urge to eat a mini candy bar, but I recognized that I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat it. It seems like a small thing, but it's a victory for me! I ate a hummus wrap and a bran muffin for lunch, but I guess that wasn't enough food because I was starving about 3 hours later. Because I was so hungry, I grabbed a peanut butter granola bar thing from the vending machine after my last class and ate it on my way to the library for a tutoring session. I didn't even look at the calories! I did look at the protein, because I wanted to know if it would fill me up a lot and hold me till dinner. Then after my tutoring session, I had dinner: a scoop of peas and three squares of pizza, plus milk. Afterward, I wasn't hungry and I wasn't overly full. I haven't eaten anything since then, and I don't think I will eat anything else until tomorrow. I have TA hours (Teaching Assistant) for the class I'm helping with right now, then I have a bible study group, and then I have to go to the TA hours for my math class. And then I'll go to bed!

So today was really busy, but I think the food went really well. I just have to listen to my body. I think it will be a day-by-day process, but I can do it. I just have to concentrate on it, and not let myself slip.

Ya'll are amazing! I love seeing your wonderful comments :)
Stay strong!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

It's about feelings, not food

Eating Disorders Anonymous has this saying that I heard time and time again in meetings:

Recovery is about feelings, not food, but we can't reason or build trust when bingeing, purging or starving. 

I know this intellectually, but I find it hard to believe sometimes. When I'm eating, especially these days, I am not feeling anything in particular. I guess for me, eating is an escape from my feelings. My feelings are too much, and I don't want to deal with them. I think it started that way, at least, and now I just use food for everything (even if I can deal with it). For example, I was doing homework about 15 minutes ago, and the internet started acting up and wouldn't load anything. I got really frustrated, decided I wanted some chocolate, and ate a mini candy bar. That doesn't sound like a crisis, but I was not hungry and I didn't need the chocolate. I told myself that I was just killing time, waiting for the internet to come back again, but that's not true at all. I was frustrated, so I ate.

I eat for every emotion. If I'm happy, I eat. Bored? I am eating. Sad? Definitely eating. Angry? Food is my comfort. Stressed? FOOD!

It's completely ridiculous. I have to learn how to stop this cycle, because it's not productive. I'm supposed to be in recovery, yet I'm still using food to deal with my life. This is not how it's supposed to be.

Realistically, I recognize that this is a process and it's won't happen overnight. But seriously, why can't it?? I just want to be recovered! I want to skip all this emotional bullshit and get to the normal, healthy part. Yuck. Of course, it doesn't work that way, but I can wish.

This week, my goal is to honor my emotions instead of eating them. I will try to be conscious of what I'm putting into my mouth, and why. Hopefully I will be successful! I will take it one day at a time. Wish me luck! Stay strong <3

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Good stuff is happening :)

Last night, I have a long talk with one of my friends that is in the Christian Fellowship with me. She's a sophomore (I'm a junior) and she is recovering from an ED too. I don't know exactly which one, but I am guessing anorexia because she said she was hospitalized and she's still pretty skinny. She offered me a lot of support last night, and I'm really grateful for her. She's amazing! It's nice to have someone in real life that can relate to what you are struggling with, you know?

On another cheerful note, I am seriously loving my Religious Studies class. It's called Understanding Religious Traditions in a Global Context, and it's amazing. Right now we are studying Hinduism, and it's totally fascinating! After only having this class for two weeks, I am already considering a Religious Studies minor. I don't know if I have time for it, but I might :)

Lastly, my little sister is going to college tomorrow!!! Like, WHAT? She shouldn't be going to college! She's still a baby to me! I am having a hard time accepting that she is an "adult" now. What happened?? How did I get so old??? It's crazy.

I love you all (and sister, if you're reading this, I love you too)!! Stay strong cuties <3

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Weird Stuff

I had a weird dream two night ago, in which I decided I was going to restrict again. However, I felt guilty so I tried to eat, but then felt guiltier about eating. I ended up purging and hating myself for going back on my word (to not relapse). It was a really odd dream, and it was so vivid that I woke up and thought it had really occurred.

I'm glad that my dream didn't really happen, because I don't want to go back to restricting. Let's face it: I like food and eating too much. That's one of the other reasons I always wanted to be seen as anorexic rather than bulimic; being anorexic meant that I had control over my desires, while being bulimic meant that I was a pig who gorged herself and then puked. I think that if I hadn't hit a few speed bumps, I could have actually gone all the way into anorexia and just skipped the bulimia. But now, I'm actually kind of glad that I was stuck with bulimia, because it's less damaging to your body. With anorexia, you end up with long-term health problems even if you recover, but with bulimia you might not have as many problems if you catch it early.

I can feel myself going into the recovery stage of my ED again, but it's not full recovery yet. This happened last time I was in recovery as well, during my junior and senior years of high school. During my senior year of high school, I gained 40 pounds because I was just trying to eat and not worry about it. I'm really afraid that will happen again. Right now, I'm at the weight I was at the beginning of senior year, and I really don't want to go back to where I was at the end of senior year. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but it makes me really nervous. I just want to skip the eat-everything-in-sight stage and go straight to the normal-healthy-eating stage. Is that possible?

Another odd thing I've noticed recently is that I still see myself as the same as I was at my highest weight. Even though I'm around 185 pounds right now (I don't know for sure, I haven't weighed myself in two weeks), I still think I look the same as I did when I was 220 pounds. My body perception is really skewed. I wish  I could see myself as I am now, because I'm sure I look a lot better than I did.

Well, that's all for now chickies. Love you all! Stay strong <3

Monday, August 30, 2010

Tie Dye and Apple Pie

Hi ya'll! It's great to hear from you all :) I love seeing your pretty comments. I just wish I could see your pretty faces too! I hope you are all doing wonderfully.

I think this semester is going to be great. I like four of my classes, and am not so sure about the other one. I also convinced the professor that I'm TAing for that I need to leave halfway through class every time, because I need to eat lunch. No way am I sacrificing lunch for a class I've already taken! I also got my work hours mostly straightened out. I am working 6 hours (for now) at the Audio/Visual Media Services department, and I have three hours per week of tutoring so far. I still haven't heard back from one of my tutees, but that's fine. I am holding two positions in my sorority this semester too (Parliamentarian and Assistant Secretary), but neither of those require a whole lot of work.

So I think this is going to be good! We had our first sorority recruitment event yesterday evening (Tie Dye and Apple Pie!) and it was a ton of fun. I tie dyed a shirt green and white (our sorority colors), although I have yet to see it, because it's being laundered. I also ate delicious homemade apple pie and chatted up potential new members. Lots of fun! Last semester, I hated recruitment, because I was hating my sorority and couldn't stand to see any other girls being roped into something horrible like I was. But now I'm in a better place with it, and the meds definitely help, so I'm excited for recruitment! I hope I get a little sister (finally)! I met a really cute sophomore that I definitely wouldn't mind having as a little sister :)

I have been a little weird about food lately. I gorged on chocolate last week, and I don't think it was just because of my period. I just need to not buy the chocolate, and then everything will be fine. I have also read a few pro-ED blogs in the past few days (because I miss my old friends!) and that probably wasn't the best idea. I find myself being jealous of girls who can starve and lose weight easily. While I know that it's not good for me and it doesn't make me happy, I still miss it sometimes. But I have made a commitment to not relapsing while I'm on the Lexapro (or ever, but it feels more important to not relapse on the Lexapro). I feel that starting to take antidepressants is like turning over a new leaf for me. I feel like the person I was before I got depressed and started cutting and started starving/bingeing/purging. So I will not let myself engage in unhappy behaviors while I'm happy like this! I hope that makes sense :)

Well, that's all I've got for now! I hope your day is beautiful. Stay strong <3

Friday, August 27, 2010

So busy...

Sorry I haven't been posting! I've been incredibly busy the past few days. Classes started on Tuesday, and since then I have been swamped. On top of my five classes and my TA period, I also have two jobs. I work in the audio/visual media services department at my school (despite having no skills in that area) and I am also an organizational tutor. This means that I tutor students with disabilities on how to get organized for college life. This is the first year that my school has had this program, so it's a learning experience for all of us. I've only had one tutoring session with one student so far, but I've been assigned two more and I'm just waiting to hear back from them. So basically I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I'm seriously hoping this slows down a little bit, because I don't have time for ANYTHING anymore. For example, I have been meaning to buy condoms from the health center all week, but I literally haven't been near the health center during it's open hours since Monday. Today I have work for two hours (right now), class for an hour, lunch, tutoring, and then I might do some laundry. And then hopefully I can relax a little bit! I want to get enough homework done tonight that I don't feel like I need to do homework all weekend too.

I've been doing alright food-wise. I've been eating normal meals, although I might be eating a little too much dessert. However, I do have my period this week, so I think the extra chocolate consumption is excusable. I'm trying not to worry too much about the food, and just enjoy my first week back at college.

Well I hope you are all doing fantastically! I will probably post again this weekend :-) Stay strong!

Monday, August 23, 2010


Hi guys! I just wanted to update you on my class schedule for this semester. I'm taking 5.5 credits (1 credit = 1 class at my school), which is a serious overload for most people. Normally people take 4 classes per semester. Here are my classes:

- Writing 100 – Cells, Pods, and Links
- Religious Studies 101 – Religious Traditions in a Global Context
- Math 103 – Cultural Approaches to Math
- Interdisciplinary Studies 259 – Dinosaurs: Their Lost World
- Psychology 210 – Life-Span Developmental Psych
- Teaching Assistant for Personality Psychology

I am a psychology major, and normally I take a whole lot more psych classes than this. However, this semester there are very few psych classes being offered for some reason, and the ones that are being offered are the ones I've already taken. So my options were very limited. But it's kind of a good thing, because it means that I can get some classes outside of my major! My school requires that you take a certain number of classes outside of your major, and I'm having a hard time finding enough classes that I am actually interested in. I really only like psychology, unfortunately. Grr. But hopefully these classes will be good! If I end up getting super stressed and not being able to handle all five classes, I will likely drop Writing 100. But hopefully I can handle it! Yay school!

My classes start tomorrow, and I have Math 103 at 8 am, then my teaching assistant class at 10 am, and then my dinosaurs class at 12 pm. And then I have my life-span psych class from 7 to 9 pm... so tomorrow will be super busy! And I'm working in the afternoon after my classes, so basically I have no free time. But it's ok, because I'm excited for my classes!!!

Well, it's really late and I have to get up at 6:30 am, so I'll talk to you all later! Stay strong <3

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I'm back at college! I'm am so excited, it's not even funny :-)
Seriously, I can't wait to start my classes, and I can't wait to see all my friends. I've seen some people so far, but not as many as I'd like to see. We have add/drop and registration tomorrow, and classes start Tuesday. My room is about half-way unpack and put away. It looks way better than it did a couple of hours ago, but it's still a total wreck. Right now I'm avoiding unpacking and waiting for my bf to call me so we can go eat dinner. FOOD!! I'm so hungry right now. I haven't eaten since breakfast. Not on purpose, it just wasn't possible, and then I forgot. Oopsies...

Well, I should stop procrastinating. I'll update you on my class dilemma when I know what I'm taking for sure! Yay school! (I know, I shouldn't be this excited, but whatever)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My little sister

So my little sister (let's call her Sally, which is not her real name but I doubt she'd want her real name on here) knows about my food issues. She doesn't really understand them though, which is fine because many people don't. I talk to her about once a week, which is great because we used to fight all the time, so it's fantastic to finally have a good relationship with her :-) Yesterday I was talking to her, and we were talking about blogs. She has a blog, which is hysterical by the way (she is hilarious!!), and she blogs pretty much every day. I mentioned that I had 91 followers on my blog, and she was like, "Why can't I read your blog?" Well, I said something about that it was an ED recovery blog and I doubted she'd be interested. But she insisted that she did want to read it and she would be interested, so I gave her the link. So now my little sister is reading this blog... I think that's ok with me, as long as she doesn't share anything she reads with anyone else (especially our parents!!).

Another thing to mention about my sister is that even though she's 18, she does NOT want to hear me talk about sex. She doesn't want any advice and she doesn't want to hear about me having sex. Lol. So I told her that I sometimes talk about sex on this blog, and she was like WHY?? I said, well some people find it interesting, plus this is MY blog and I'm anonymous so I can basically talk about whatever I want. She thought that was very weird. I dunno, I always thought that talking about sex was completely normal... maybe that's just me though :)

Well, all that said, I love my little sister. She's completely amazing and I'm glad she's in my life. Since I've gone on Lexapro, I've realized how much I used to take for granted. My life is actually pretty good: I have a great boyfriend, a caring family, I go to a good college, I have a nice job, etc. I should be really grateful, and now I am. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that I just feel like hugging everyone! Silly, but I feel that way sometimes ;-) Yesterday on the phone, I wished my sister was there so I could give her a big hug! But unfortunately, she's in Oregon and I'm in Wisconsin... sad.

Well, I gots to shower... my boyfriend's family and I are going to his cousin's wedding this afternoon, but it's four hours away so we have to leave soon. I don't really want to go (I would rather be going back to school like everyone else is today!) but obviously I don't have much of a choice. Hopefully the food will be good at least! I hope everyone's weekends go splendidly!! Stay strong lovies <3

Friday, August 20, 2010

One more day...

(This actually is a picture taken at my college, although I'm not in it)

One more day until I go back to school... Today I'm supposed to be packing, but it's 10 am and I don't feel like starting yet. Plus my boyfriend is out shopping at Sam's for snacks for us to take back to school with us, and he has the car so I can't even get to the stuff I need to pack. So for now, I'm stuck on the couch. Poor me (haha, not!). I got to sleep in this morning, which was fantastic! I feel like I haven't gotten to sleep in all summer.

Yesterday was my last day of work! I made brownies for everyone (I'm one of those weirdos who does nice things for other people when it's my special day - on my birthday, I made coconut macaroons for everyone else). My boss and the other office girls got me a "Good Luck!" card and took me out to lunch at Noodles and Co. It was delicious! Thelma and Carly also took my boyfriend and I out to dinner at Fazoli's, which was alright. It was a little awkward because I'm still upset with Carly, but I have to pretend that I'm not.

I also made homemade cards and brownies for all of my bf's parents as a "thank you" for letting me stay at their houses all summer. Here is a picture of the card I made for Patty and Gabi:
Here are the remnants of the brownies I made them two nights ago!
I think they enjoyed them, don't you? They are my special recipe, and they are the richest, most chocolatey brownies I have ever tasted. If you want the recipe, just shoot me a comment. They are delicious! I do realize that this is an ED blog though, so I'm not sure how many of you will actually want to eat brownies :-)

I can't wait to get back to school! I am a little disappointed though, because I just found out that the Sculpture class I was trying to add is full now :-( I was really hoping to take five classes this semester, but maybe this is for the best. I'm still looking to see if there's another class I might want to add instead. But anyway, I seriously can't wait to see all my friends again! I love you guys, but I need people in real life too :)

Well, I hope your Fridays are fantastic! Keep smiling :-)