Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I don't know anything anymore

I've always wanted kids, at least one kid, but now I'm not so sure. Why would I want kids with the same problems that I have? Why would I doom some poor child to a life of suffering? If a lot of this is really genetic, like I think it is, then my child will have the same stuff that I do. Poor kid. Bipolar disorder (possibly), bulimia, cutting, anxiety. It just seems cruel to pass on those fucked up genes to an innocent baby.

With the cutting, I go between thinking that it's alright and thinking that it's really messed up. If I see someone on TV cutting themselves (like the movie I just watched on Lifetime, called Acceptance), then I think it's ok. I think, "She's just using this to get her feelings out, and she'll figure out something else eventually. It's just a temporary coping mechanism." But then if I think about my future child ever cutting herself, it totally freaks me out. If I ever found out that my child was cutting, I would be very concerned. So I guess I don't know how I feel about all of this. I'm stuck between wanting to be concerned about myself and wanting to downplay how I'm feeling. I'm the queen of minimizing, and that's definitely what I'm doing now.

For some reason, as I've mentioned previously, the whole rape thing is really getting to me now. I can't sleep and I want to cry all of the time. I can't stop picking fights with my family. I just want to go back to school, ASAP. It's funny: when I was at school, all I could think about was getting home. Now that I'm home, all I can think about is getting back to school. I think that I tend to believe that the physical place I'm in at the moment is causing my problems. But no matter how many times I move, it's still me. When I was getting ready to go to college, I was extremely excited to get to a new place and reinvent myself. But once the newness of college wore off, it was still the same old me, depression and everything. I was really excited to go to Australia, and I think I believed that it would somehow "fix me" if I went overseas. Now I'm glad I'm not going, because I think it would be a really bad thing for me right now.

Well, I might want to get some sleep...
Sleeping is hard right now. I keep seeing her face (you know, the bitch who raped me). I hate her so much.


  1. Liz darling hang in there. I hate her too for what she did to you. Karma is gonna get her! I'm so so sorry babe. I hope you get a good nights rest soon sweetie. Love you.

  2. Ughh, so much conflict. I'm sorry babe. You don't deserve any of this, or to feel this way. Hang in there. You can make the most of what you have.