Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I don't know anything anymore

I've always wanted kids, at least one kid, but now I'm not so sure. Why would I want kids with the same problems that I have? Why would I doom some poor child to a life of suffering? If a lot of this is really genetic, like I think it is, then my child will have the same stuff that I do. Poor kid. Bipolar disorder (possibly), bulimia, cutting, anxiety. It just seems cruel to pass on those fucked up genes to an innocent baby.

With the cutting, I go between thinking that it's alright and thinking that it's really messed up. If I see someone on TV cutting themselves (like the movie I just watched on Lifetime, called Acceptance), then I think it's ok. I think, "She's just using this to get her feelings out, and she'll figure out something else eventually. It's just a temporary coping mechanism." But then if I think about my future child ever cutting herself, it totally freaks me out. If I ever found out that my child was cutting, I would be very concerned. So I guess I don't know how I feel about all of this. I'm stuck between wanting to be concerned about myself and wanting to downplay how I'm feeling. I'm the queen of minimizing, and that's definitely what I'm doing now.

For some reason, as I've mentioned previously, the whole rape thing is really getting to me now. I can't sleep and I want to cry all of the time. I can't stop picking fights with my family. I just want to go back to school, ASAP. It's funny: when I was at school, all I could think about was getting home. Now that I'm home, all I can think about is getting back to school. I think that I tend to believe that the physical place I'm in at the moment is causing my problems. But no matter how many times I move, it's still me. When I was getting ready to go to college, I was extremely excited to get to a new place and reinvent myself. But once the newness of college wore off, it was still the same old me, depression and everything. I was really excited to go to Australia, and I think I believed that it would somehow "fix me" if I went overseas. Now I'm glad I'm not going, because I think it would be a really bad thing for me right now.

Well, I might want to get some sleep...
Sleeping is hard right now. I keep seeing her face (you know, the bitch who raped me). I hate her so much.

Friday, December 24, 2010

There isn't a title to fit this post

A lot's been happening I guess. My ED is probably the least of my problems. The biggest ones are the rape and the depression/hypomania. I officially have some sort of bipolar-like mood disorder, probably Bipolar II Disorder. It's the less intense one where you get hypomanic episodes instead of full-blown manic ones. Mostly I get the depression, but being on the Lexapro earlier this year triggered a huge hypomanic episode. That definitely explains the copious amounts of hook-ups and alcohol use!

In other related news, I am not going to Australia. My college called a week ago and said that they weren't comfortable letting me go overseas. I guess I'm too unstable. I think the biggest reasons they won't let me go are a) my suicidal intent shortly before I left school in December, b) my alcohol use, and c) the lack of support available to me at the Australian university. Other reasons include a) they're covering their asses, b) they don't like me, and c) my rape. It's very frustrating that they didn't tell me all of this sooner, because I'd already purchased my plane ticket, student visa, health insurance, etc. My family is out about $1,000. The school agreed to absorb the cost of my student visa ($500), otherwise we'd be out $1,500 instead. I'm trying to fight with the airlines and the study abroad program to give me back the rest of my money. I mean, if I had a heart attack and couldn't go abroad, they would totally give me my money. This is the same thing! Hopefully something can be worked out.

I guess I'm disappointed. It's very disconcerting to have planned for something for over a year and then suddenly it's not possible anymore. They said I could go abroad in the fall if I wanted, but I have plans for senior year. I want an internship with the Admissions office and I want to do a senior thesis (which you have to be invited to do!). So going in the fall is out. However, it's not all bad news. I can minor in religious studies now, which I couldn't do before because I didn't have time with the study abroad. I also get to see my friends and have a strong support system as I recover from everything that's happened in the last year. I also get to see my crush, although I don't know if she likes me back, so that's another story I guess :)

I'm trying to look on the bright side. Mostly I'm affected by other things like the rape right now. I got an email from my school last night about the final outcome of the report that I filed. Basically, my attacker is not allowed to contact me and is not allowed on campus until after I graduate. I think that's pretty good for what I had to work with. It's hard to do anything to a person who is graduating. I think the hardest part of all of this for me is having to think about it again. I had sort of pushed it away, and I had to read her statement in the email, and that was very upsetting. I hate her so much. She lied to the school and said that I said I would hurt myself if we didn't have sex. I would NEVER say that. You guys know me! I am not manipulative with my self-injury. It's only for myself! Even my therapist said that it was the most bizarre excuse she'd ever heard, and she's worked on a lot of college campuses before. Ugg this just makes me so angry. I wish she would die.

Blarg, well I think this has been long enough. Oh, last thing. I got on a new medication because Lexapro wasn't working anymore and then it made me very suicidal when they upped my dose. So now I'm taking Lamictal. 25mg for two weeks and then 50mg for two weeks, and then we'll see. I really hope this helps! I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.

Love you all, and sorry I've been so lax in posting and commenting.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

This is something I got in the hospital, and I love it. It's by Portia Nelson.

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever  to find a way out. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still take a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. 
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

This describes eating disorders to a T. My depression and my self-injury are just like this. I like to pretend that I don't think they're a problem, but I'm just ignoring the problem. I actually have to walk AROUND the hole (my problems) and do something differently to solve them. I have to call a friend instead of cutting again. I have to go to the hospital instead of crying myself to sleep, holding a bottle of Tylenol. I have to face my rapist instead of ignoring the issues I'm having.

Speaking of that last point...
I was raped.
December 3rd.
I was drunk.
She was attractive.
She was supposed to be taking me home and putting me to bed.
Instead we had sex.
I didn't consent. I was FAR too drunk to be capable of consent. 
I wouldn't have consented if I'd been sober.
I woke up naked, wet, and completely confused.
I remember nothing.
I reported the incident to my school, after I found out what really happened.
I am still waiting to find out what happens to her. 
I should know tomorrow.
I hate her so much.
I can't sleep.
I have no appetite.
I am afraid to leave my room.
I have panic attacks.
I have lost many friends (the ones who are siding with her).
I just want to go home.

But this time, unlike last time, I reported it. I didn't ignore it and pretend that it didn't happen for four years. I faced it. YES! That's the victory in all of this.