Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Hello all, sorry for being MIA for a month and a half. Life happens, you know?

About the last post: the group did end up coming to a decision, and half of the leaders (the ones who think that homosexuals shouldn't be in leadership) stepped down. The other half, including me, are the new leadership team and our group is now officially open and affirming to the LGBT community. We'll see how that goes.

The shitty part is that the whole process led to depression for me. It started as simple depression related to discrimination, but it didn't go away. So now I've been officially depressed for about 1.5 or 2 months. And it's probably the worst depression that I've ever had. It's terrible. Like, I've been depressed before, but nothing like this. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't care about school or work or life. I don't want to eat, which is new for me. I want to sleep all the time. Blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

It's gotten to the point where I just can't wait anymore. I don't have time to be depressed, because I'm in grad school! I have shit to do! Plus I'm doing an internship at a hospital, so I can't be depressed. It's weird for me to assess patients for depression and suicidal ideation, when I'm experiencing the same things.

As a result, I went to a psychiatrist about a week ago, and she prescribed Wellbutrin. I started taking it 5 days ago, but nothing has happened so far. Because of the bad reaction that I had to Lexapro (back in 2010), she started me on 1/3 of the regular dose, to hopefully avoid any negative side effects or hypomania. So far, no side effects, which I appreciate. But it will take 2-6 weeks for the full effects to kick in. I think she will probably raise the dose when I see her in a week. We'll see how that goes... I'll try to keep you updated.

I have been trying to stay positive. I got a gym membership for Christmas, and I've been going 2-4 times per week. Supposedly, exercise helps depression. I'm not feeling it, but maybe it will come. I have been trying not to isolate myself from people, but that's hard. I have also been battling with urges to cut myself. So far, no cutting. And I have pretty high confidence in my abilities to resist. So that's good.

Other than that, nothing much is new. School sucks. I hate my classes. I hate most of my professors. The only thing that I like is my internship. But that's a little weird, since my job is to assess people for suicidal ideation and other mental illness, and I am currently experiencing a mental illness myself. Of course, my supervisor and coworkers don't know that I'm depressed. But it's still a bit weird for me. However, I do love it. I've seen so many interesting people and so many disorders already. I assessed a person with trichotillomania on Thursday! I never thought I'd see that disorder in real life. So interesting :)

Have a good week everyone <3>

I HATE SOCIAL SERVICES

I am so freaking fed up with the Social Services people here. Let me start at the beginning, and you can share in the immense frustration that I am feeling right now.

I applied for food stamps about a month and a half ago. For those of you who don't know, food stamps are government assistance to help you buy food. You apply for benefits, and if you qualify (i.e. you are poor enough and other random-ass qualifications are met), they give you free money for groceries. I applied and never heard back... until I got a random letter in the mail saying that I had missed my scheduled interview and was required to interview with them by November 9th or lose my eligibility. And I was like, "Um, I never scheduled an interview, so how could I have possibly missed it?" I called my case worker, but she was unreachable and I kept getting redirected to other phone lines. So I finally went down to the office, which was a pain in the butt and took three hours total. I interviewed with another woman (not my case worker), who took all of my income verification and other stuff, and told me that I would qualify. She asked me to mail my last few pay stubs to them, to verify that my income was steady. She wanted pay stubs from September and October. When I arrived home, I realized that I didn't have any pay stubs from September, because I was unemployed then. So I mailed the other pay stubs to my case worker, with a note saying that I didn't have any from September.

Then about a week ago, I got a letter with my brand new EBT (food stamps) card and my pin number, and found out that I had been approved for $140 per month of benefits. Yay! I was so excited! Grocery shopping has never been more fun!

But THEN I got this ridiculous letter in the mail from Social Services yesterday saying:
"Based on information reported to us, your food stamps benefits have been closed effective 11/30/12 because: requested verification was not provided."
What the fuck.
What fucking verification did you request?
I don't know what they want from me! I just want my freaking free money! And because the office is virtually unreachable by phone, I would have to go back down there again, to sort this all out. I don't have time for this! I don't have transportation! This is such bullshit.

I am annoyed in general, because this is a waste of my time, but I am also annoyed at the system. Think about this: what if I was not a student of social work, but a single mother working three jobs to stay afloat? Would I have time to go down to the social services office twice, missing almost a whole day of work, to get these food stamps benefits? I think not. This is so messed up; the people who these food stamps should be benefiting are unable to get them, because of how screwed up the system is! This is unbelievable.

GRR.

Update

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in forever! It has been crazy busy over here, and I just haven't had time. I barely have time to sleep, let alone blog.

Things are fine. I had my meeting with the school counselor lady, who is also my academic adviser. She was pretty much completely useless. I was hoping that she could help me get a sooner counseling appointment, but she couldn't even do that. The meeting was literally 5 minutes long, and she asked me maybe three questions (Are you safe? Do you have plans to see a counselor? Is there anything that I can do for you?). Dumbest meeting ever. Part of me is glad that she didn't pry, and part of me is pissed off. If this were my friend who was suicidal, I would want this lady to ask her more questions and actually be helpful. But since it's me who was suicidal, I am grateful that she didn't get up in my business. I wouldn't have told her anything anyway.

My professor and teaching assistant have been fine too. My professor is acting like she doesn't know, which is great, because I was worried that she would treat me differently. I talked to my TA about it yesterday, and he assured me that he didn't think of me differently. He has been treating me the same too, so that's been nice. As for my friends, I am still pissed at them. I will probably never trust them again. Actually I will probably never trust anyone ever again, but whatever. I am being civil to my friends and pretending that it didn't happen, and that's working for me right now.

I haven't been suicidal since I told my friends about it. That night, they actually came to my apartment with me and took away my pills (that I had bought specifically for killing myself). And not having access to my means of suicide anymore relieved a lot of the pressure. I think that having the pills there in my room was freaking me out, and it made it more real. I felt like I needed to continue with my plan, because I had that crucial piece figured out. And the more I continued with the plan, the scarier it got, and the closer I came to actually doing it. So having the pills gone is great, and I have felt normal since then.

Other than that, life chugs on. School is crazy busy and I am really excited for the semester to be over soon-ish. I seriously need a break.

Ya'll are awesome. Keep being cool :)

Life... is interesting...

I didn't make this, but it describes exactly how I feel...

Oh gosh you guys... I miss the days when school was easy and I had a life. I am officially seven weeks into the semester now, and it is HARD. Classes are starting to get crazier. The school atmosphere is interesting, at best. I'm am stressed as hell. Life is difficult.

So, the school atmosphere. I knew that social work school would be liberal, but I was hoping for acceptance too. Not the case. Social work students in general are pretty intolerant of Christianity. And if you mention religion in class, then you are attacked. Especially if you mention a conservative viewpoint, which I tend to do. So I'm just getting used to being on guard all the time. I feel like I'm always tensed and ready for the next attack on my beliefs. Fun times.

My classes are super hard and there is a TON of reading. I have a big assignment due for at least one class, every week, until the end of the semester. I can't wait for the end of the semester. I am just tired of being tired.

My mood has been up and down. I'm not depressed. I was homesick for a while, but not depressed. Now I am mostly just anxious and stressed. Which has led to... you guessed it: cutting. I have been cutting myself every few days (or every day) for a few weeks now. So that's not good. I am currently in the apathetic stage, in which I don't care about my body and what I'm doing to it. I'm moving into the 'fighting back' stage though, which is good, because then I'll start to fight my urges instead of giving into them.

I actually went to see a counselor at Student Health last week. I am training to be a social worker, so I'd like to fix my own issues first. I don't want my issues interfering with my work with clients. The counselor told me that he doesn't think that he can provide the level of care that I need. He basically said that I need long-term counseling, and that I'm not as "fixed" as I thought. I had somehow deluded myself into thinking that I was doing pretty well. And I am, considering all of thing things that I've been through. But I guess self-harm is alarming to other people. It just seems normal to me, honestly. When you have been hurting yourself for nine years (yes, that long... scary, right?), and the longest you've ever gone without hurting yourself is four months (and that was only one time), I guess it's natural to think that this is normal. But if I have a friend who is doing it... then of course I am concerned. Double standard, anyone?

So anyway, that was a slap in the face. I am considering seeing an outside counselor though. I do really want to fix my issues. I DO NOT want to still be cutting in two years, when I am done with my Master's and starting to get my license. NO NO NO. I will NOT be like this in two years!!! This is a promise. The only issue with seeing an outside counselor is that I have to tell my parents... because they will see in on insurance. Ugg. That will be a fun conversation.

So wish we luck with everything. I would really like to stop cutting. I would also like to be less stressed, but still get everything done. (Haha). I love you guys, okay? You are wonderful.

Blarggggggggg

This is Meg <3

Sorry for not posting for such a long time; I think time just gets away from me, and I forget how long it's been. Lots of things have happened in the last month and a half. But I will talk about the following: 1) my job, 2) my school stuff, and 3) my food stuff.

My job. I started working five weeks ago, and it feels like FOREVER. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But sometimes, it is just extremely exhausting and I can get burnt out quickly. This is why I don't want to work with kids full-time or for my real job. I can't handle them except for in small doses, and 30 hours/week is waaay more than small doses. I only have four weeks left, but I really wish it were less than that. I will be really excited to stop working and start school.

School stuff. I leave for St. Louis on August 17th, and it can't come fast enough. I registered for classes a few weeks ago, which was so exciting! I am taking five classes, which is apparently average, but I think it will be quite challenging. They are: Human Behavior, Research Methods, Social Justice and Human Diversity, Social Welfare Policies and Services, and Social Work Practice with Individuals/Families/Groups. I have taken classes in human behavior and research methods before, so my hope is that I can breeze through those and focus on the other three. Changing the subject slightly, my housemate moved into our apartment a few weeks ago, and it looks amazing! It is sooo much bigger than I expected, and everything looks brand new. I can't wait to move in :)

Food stuff. Sucks. Still at my highest weight ever, higher than last month. Hate. Don't know what to do.

We interrupt this blog post to bring you some sad news. Remember Meg, my cat who was sick last month? We had to put her to sleep. She had some sort of cancer, and it was growing very rapidly, and she was suffering. There was no treatment available and no money for treatment anyway, so we had to do it. I am really sad that she's gone, and I miss her tons, but I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore. I petted her and held her as she died, and I hope she knows that I loved her.

I guess that's about it. I love you guys, and I will try to keep you more updated. <3
Now look at this video of my cat Ginny (Meg's sister).

Drowning

Sooo... this weeks seems to be sucking more than last week. I have cried three times in the last twenty-four hours. I am just so burnt out. I keep going and going and going, but I'm not the Energizer Bunny and I can't go on forever. At some point, very soon, I will not be able to get back up again. I'm just so very tired. So very tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Everything seems like a struggle and I want to cry when I think about all of the things on my to-do list. And I don't even get a break. Every time I finish something, something else crops up. I am mostly finished with my thesis proposal and my grad school apps, but now it's time to think about final projects and papers and exams for my classes. It never ends. If this is what graduate school is like... I'm not going to make it! There's no way. I'm scared and I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't swim much longer before I start to sink.

Zombie

So I guess the last time I posted was a week ago. It's been a really, really, really long week. I feel like each day is a week in itself, yet I never seem to get anything done. And I am so so tired all the time. I'm sleeping an average of 4 hours per night. I might have been averaging 6 hours per night during the first week of classes, but it's been pretty consistently 4 or 5 hours averaged since then. I'm a zombie. I'm an emotional wreck because I'm so tired. I'm overwhelmed by all the things I need to get done in the next three weeks. I cry a lot. My hands shake more than usual and my handwriting is getting significantly worse because of that. My stress level is through the roof.

Basically, I need a break. But I don't have time for one. I don't even have time to be writing this.

I'm just so burnt out already. I am officially a quarter through with the semester, and I'm already dead. It feels like finals week, but it's not. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester. I still have to apply to graduate school too.

I was seriously considering self-injury last night, because I know that it helps me relax. Isn't that sad, that I consider hurting myself over school work?

Guys, I'm not going to make it. I'm scared.

Well that sucks

Oh guys... I don't even know what to say. I am swamped with homework and stressed. I am sleeping less than is desirable. Sometimes I get breaks, but they are usually unplanned and they make me feel stressed because I should be doing homework. Thesis... grr...

On another note. As you'll notice, I took down the "Time since last purge" and "Time since last self-injury" sidebars. I need to stop counting. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me realize that I'm an all-or-nothing type of person. I mean, I knew that already. But I feel like when I count things, like how many days I have resisted purging, I am making it all or nothing. And if I mess up, then it's all over, and it doesn't even matter anymore. So I am going to *try* to stop counting, and start celebrating successes and PROGRESS, rather than numbers of days.

Speaking of messing up... I messed up. I was in class yesterday and I totally screwed up a comment I was making. I basically interpreted a quote to mean the exact opposite of what it actually meant. Which doesn't sound that bad, but I feel like I'm doing a horrible job in that class anyway. It intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate. But the point is, I was really, really embarrassed and distressed. Automatic reaction? Hurt self. I didn't even think about it. I just did. (Let's back up a bit. When I was younger, before I knew what self-injury was, I used to dig my nails into the sides of my body when I had my arms crossed across my chest. I just knew that it helped me calm down if I felt distressed or punish myself if I thought I needed it. I mostly used it in dance class.) I haven't dug my nails into my skin in quite a while, but I did. And after the automatic reaction, I realized what I was doing, and didn't stop. Now, I could say that this doesn't count, because I didn't actually cut myself with a blade or anything and I didn't leave any lasting marks, but as I was discussing with that friend, it's the intent that matters. I intended to hurt myself. Therefore, it is self-injury. Unfortunately. I have no idea how many days I was up to, but I guess they're gone now...

BUT I'm trying to move on. Numbers are way, way too important to me. Days since ____, grades, weight, etc. I have a number obsession. So goodbye, numbers. I know that it will be a struggle to see them go, but I really can't keep obsessing over them. It's detrimental to my life, and I need to stop.

That's kind of all that has been happening. I seriously don't do anything besides eat, sleep (sometimes), go to meetings, go to class, and do homework. I hope you guys are having a better week than me. The whole messing-up thing kind of put a damper on my good mood.

Finally able to blog!

I'm sorry it's been so long! I have been trying to blog since I got back to school, but it hasn't been working. First, my internet was totally down. I couldn't connect with an ethernet cord (plugged into the wall) or through wireless. So I finally got it fixed on Monday, but was suuuuper busy because of classes starting. So on Tuesday, I was going to blog, but my newly fixed internet was screwed up again. And since then, every night between 9 pm and 1 am, I can't get online. I think my wireless router is really old (like 3 years, which isn't that much, but whatever) and it can't handle all the traffic. Everyone on campus is doing homework between those times, so the system gets overloaded. Which sucks, because that's when I do homework too! I guess I'll have to go somewhere else if I need the internet for homework during those times. But anyhoo, I literally haven't been able to blog until tonight, because during the day I am too busy and at night I have no internet.

Soooo, school started again! Classes began on Tuesday. But let's back up a bit. I left for school on Saturday morning and met my friend Isabel at the airport in Chicago, since she lives there now. We took the bus to my school together, because she wanted to visit. She stayed with my until Tuesday afternoon.

So remember how she realized how she had feelings for me and we decided to just be friends, because she has a boyfriend, so we can't be more than friends? See this post. Well, we fail at that. I was prepared to be just friends, even though I was wishing that we weren't, and that didn't happen. We ended up doing non-friend stuff, but nothing explicit like making out. Just long, long hugs and snuggling and such. We talked about it, and I'm still not sure what we are going to do, because she will probably come to visit again... I can't do this anymore. We either need to be friends, or more than friends. We can't go back and forth! It's very confusing. My brain is lost.

I know that all sounded negative, but it was really nice to have her here. I LOVED seeing her again. I missed her so much! As a friend and as more. We had lots of fun together and it was really cool to have her staying with me. When she left, it felt super weird to have an empty room, because she had been here since I moved in. I miss her again already!! :-(

Besides that, I've just been having classes. And let me tell you, senior year is going to SUCK. I like my classes so far (or mostly, I guess), but there is SO MUCH READING. I am taking Advanced Social Psych, History and Systems of Psych (required for graduation...), and intro to art history. And my thesis, of course, but it's not an actual class period. All of my classes have an insane amount of reading, especially art history. I literally spent four or five hours reading the chapters that were assigned for today. AHHH!! It's not that interesting either. I'm taking it because I need another class outside of my major to graduate. But yes, I suddenly understand why the seniors last year seemed to live in the science building. It's because they had so much work to do that they could never leave! I think the science center will become my home this semester. And I haven't even worked on my thesis in two weeks... I hope this gets better, but I know it will only get worse. But I do like my classes, except art history. So that's the good news.

I guess that's pretty much it... since I've been so busy with school and a bit of sorority stuff, I haven't had time for anything else (not even sleep...). I'm sick right now, probably because of lack of sleep and stress. Just a cold. I feel like crap, so I might go to bed. Or do more homework... blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Love you guys! Have a good weekend!

Sometimes

Sometimes I am terrified to go back to school because I don't know what will happen this next semester, whether I will start drinking and hooking up again or if I will be a normal person for once.

Sometimes I feel triggered and I don't know what exactly did it.

Sometimes I do things to intentionally trigger myself, so that maybe it won't be so bad next time.

Sometimes I'm triggered and want to cut so badly that the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed.

Sometimes I wish that my rape wasn't so lame; I wish that I could prove it, or at least remember it, and then maybe it would feel more real.

Sometimes I wish that I had my eating disorder back, because it gave me something to focus on and control.

Sometimes I want to sleep for a month.

Sometimes I just want to be a "normal" person who doesn't need drugs or therapy.

Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I should be better than I am, like I should be a better person, friend, daughter, sister, victim, student, employee, a better everything.

Sometimes I'm happy though. Perhaps more than sometimes :)

Crap

I purged. I have no idea why. 'Nuff said.
Squirrel.

BLARG

Ok, so here's what happened last night. After I blogged, I was texting Isabel (or was that before... idk), and after I texted her about what I was confused about, she didn't text back for like two hours. During that time, shit went down. I convinced myself that no one liked me and I was a horrible person. I thought about the rape and abuse a lot, and that was bad, of course. I struggled for about an hour with thoughts about self-injury. It got to the point where I was all ready, razor out, watch off my wrist, tissues within reach. No bandaids. That's what I forgot. Spent at least 20 minutes fighting with myself. Finally, after swearing for a minute, I texted a friend. Help. As soon as I did that, it felt like I had won, and I was able to put everything away and distract myself with a movie. So that's the good news :)

Around midnight, just as I was deciding to go to sleep, Isabel called me. What our conversation comes down to is this: she didn't have feelings for me until we restarted our hooking up in April. And she didn't really admit them to herself until now. So basically, she has feelings for me but loves her boyfriend, and even if we see each other, nothing can happen. Which I kind of knew already, but it's sad to hear it. I kind of feel like I've been dumped, even though a) I already knew that nothing would come of our relationship, and b) we weren't dating or anything. Wow, I'm lame. I also feel really responsible for the whole situation. I was the one who initiated the restarting in April. I knew that it was a really bad idea for me, and I knew that I would get hurt, but I decided to do it anyway. But I figured that she was the kind of person who could have friends-with-benefits relationship and not get hurt. Oops. I have never seen this kind of relationship end well. Ever. I should have known better. I feel like it's my fault, even though she spent a good 30 minutes trying to convince me otherwise last night. Oh well.

So that's that. Nothing much to report about today. I have been watching TV, doing laundry, and thinking about doing some research. Grrr. I'm just so angry with myself. That's basically my mood for the day: frustrated and angry at myself.
<3 you all.

I am so confused

The red thing is a heart, and the other thing (holding the leash) is a brain. Get it?

I have been reading Isabel's blog (you know, my make out buddy), and it's confusing me. She just gave me the link, and I've been reading posts she wrote about me in October, November, January, April, etc. I guess I have been thinking that she has feelings for me too, since she claims to miss me a lot. But maybe I've been wrong all along. I mean, duh, she's in love with her boyfriend! They are probably going to get married! I just need to get over it. I need to move on, because this isn't healthy. I've been deceiving myself for way to long. Come on, Liz, get with it! Be realistic. You have no chance with this girl, and it's time to let go. Accept the fact that even if you do see her again, it doesn't matter; it's still the same situation as it was.

Other than that realization, things have been normal. I'm super glad that work is over for the week; only four weeks to go! My kids were super cute this week because they were 1st graders. One of the little girls kissed a little boy, and they ended up trying to hold hands and be near each other all week. It was totally adorable, but it wasn't necessarily appropriate for camp, so we had to have a talk about keeping our mouths to ourselves (lol). SO CUTE!

I have had my rape on my mind a lot this week. I've been doing a lot of work around it in therapy, and I have homework for therapy that keeps me thinking about it outside of my session. Plus I had coffee with this friend (that I mentioned in my last post, let's call her Amy) and we pretty much talked about our experiences with rape the whole time. So I've been thinking about it and having memories about it (and my sexual abuse experience too) this whole week. It pretty much sucks. I DO NOT want to be thinking about this. I want to cut. Right now. Really bad. THIS SUCKS.
That's all.

I HATE BEING A WOMAN

Hey :) I have been so incredibly lazy this week. I have my period, and it's screwing with my life. Firstly, it's making me a huge bitch, which is not good for work. I am more prone to yell at the kids and get in trouble with my bosses. NOT GOOD. Secondly, I just don't want to do anything. Ever. All I want to do is sleep. And thirdly, it's making me really moody and depressed. I want to cut all the time. I take little things and make them into mountains. THIS SUCKS. I hate my period. It needs to go away NOW. NOWWWW.

Thank goodness that tomorrow is Friday. I don't know if I could take any more of this week! AND it's a holiday weekend (4th of July, Independence Day, for those of you who don't live in the U.S.), so I have no work on Monday. THREE DAY WEEKEND, FUCK YES! I need this weekend. I am so tired.

Today at work, I managed to injure myself in two ways. First, I got stabbed in the finger by one of those sharp leaves when I was retrieving a ball during recess. And second, I inhaled some cardboard dust while I was helping one of the kids build a lava tube from a cardboard box, and now I can't breathe very well. I keep coughing and I can't take deep breaths at all. I think I should not work out tomorrow (not that I was going to anyway, but whatever). Besides getting hurt, today was actually a pretty good day at work. I didn't kill any children. Always a plus.

That's pretty much it. The bottom line is this: my period sucks and it's screwing with my life. And I want to hurt myself. Right now. A lot. Grr.

I think that the only thing stopping me is that I have not cut in 62 days, as of today. I thought that today was 60 days, but I've been counting wrong this whole time. Over 2 months! That's a lot. And I don't want to screw it up. I hope that I don't screw it up.

Meowwww

Sorry it's been so long (5 WHOLE DAYS)! Things have been good. I officially started my job today, which is pretty sweet. I found out that my counterpart (the other person doing aftercare) was also hired a week ago, so there must have been a bunch of people who backed out of the job at the last minute! Weird... Today was good. I watched the kids during lunch, helped with the classes, retrieved twenty million basketballs from out of bounds on the playground (the kids can't go past a certain point), and hung out with the kids after classes. My feet are KILLING me though. Lame! I think this whole summer will be a ton of pain for my feet and Achilles tendons. Boooo. But it's money! I'm getting $9.89 per hour, 30 hours per week, plus extra hours if they need me (which they said they will periodically). YAY!

I had a sleepover with my best friend this weekend, which was pretty fantabulous. My parents were out of town, so we got to be ALONE for a whole evening! We drank cocktails (and stayed totally sober), read My Immortal (a ridiculously bad Harry Potter fanfiction that everyone loves to laugh at; there's a drinking game for it too!) and died laughing, and watched No Strings Attached. It was a great night! Sometimes my bestie and I have weird, non-interactive sleepovers because we don't have as much in common as we did when we were 13, but I'd say that this was our best one yet :)

I also injured myself while working out on Saturday (dumb dumb de-dumb dumb). I did the stationary bike for 45 minutes instead of 30, and I decided that since I was feeling so good on the bike, I would up the resistance too. Bad move. I'm not sure which one of those things was the tipping point, but after I left the gym, I realized that my right inner thigh and butt muscles were really hurt. I was limping and couldn't even walk up the stairs using my right leg! Oops... I wish I'd realized it sooner, and then I could have stopped my workout. But even after I stopped biking, I did my physical therapy stuff and some weights and felt no pain. Grr! Stupid body. So I took Sunday and Monday (today) off, and tomorrow I will carefully try the bike again. Hope it goes well!

Oh! I found this great recipe for Sweet Potato Fries that's super healthy.
- You take a sweet potato, cut it into strips or rounds (I cut into rounds because it is SO much easier).
- Lightly coat with olive oil (I just dip my fingers in the olive oil a bit and spread it on each piece of sweet potato).
- Sprinkle with cumin, salt, chili powder, and onion powder (I only use cumin and salt, but I think just salt would be delicious too!).
- Place on a wax paper-lined cookie sheet (parchment paper is good too) and bake in the oven at 425 degrees Fahrenheit for 15-18 minutes.
- Take out when the sweet potato rounds are slightly browned on the tops. Some of them may be burnt, which is fine.

It's SO GOOD! It is very healthy and low in calories, for those of you who are concerned. I wouldn't normally share recipes on here, but this one is too good to not share.
Ok, that's it. Have a wonderful evening guys! xoxoxo

Counting calories... :(

I have a confession: I'm counting calories. But I'm not sure it's in a bad, eating disordered way. Since I started working out, I've been thinking that I need to be healthier overall. So I joined this site called SparkPeople a few days ago, and it's been helping me track my calories eaten and burned. But I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't such a good idea. Here's why:

Tonight I went to my gramma's house to watch a movie and eat pizza. And when I remembered that we were eating pizza, I immediately panicked and was worried about the extra calories. Which is stupid, because I AM ALLOWED TO EAT PIZZA! I shouldn't be worried about the calories in the pizza; I should be worried about how hungry or full I am when I'm eating the pizza. I also had an experience a few nights ago where I couldn't sleep because I was super hungry, but I was afraid to eat because I had already had my allotted calories for the day. Soooo, I think that this counting thing is a bad idea. It's not super obsessive yet, but it is getting there.

But the good thing that has come out of this is some healthier meal habits forming. Instead of eating a large portion of granola for breakfast, I am going to start making peanut butter/banana smoothies, which sounds WAAAY better (and healthier, and has protein!). I'm also switching to fruits and veggies for snacks instead of tons of wheat thins. Not that I can't have wheat thins, but I should not eat half a bag of them in one sitting.

OH HEY, I might have a job opportunity! I met a girl last night at a church group who said that Old Navy is hiring some people for the summer (she works there). So I'm going to apply! YAY! I really hope I get it. NEEEEED MONEY!

Finally, I had a scare yesterday. Remember Isabel, the amazing woman that I was hooking up with and had feelings for? She texted me yesterday and told me that she had attempted suicide the previous day. She wasn't trying too hard, because she could have taken a lot more pills than she did. I think she didn't completely want to die. But still, it totally freaked me out. I'm really, really, really worried about her. I would be completely devastated if she died. I can't deal with this! NOT OK. I'm keeping a close eye on her (at least the best I can, since she's in Illinois and I'm in Oregon), just in case. I just can't lose her. I can't do it. I wouldn't survive.

Ok, lovies. It is sleepy time for me! I'm totally exhausted today. Have a great Friday!!

Oh, Rebecca Black...

So tired...

Hey girlies :) I'm doing better than I was a few days ago, which is good. I got a burst of inspiration and motivation yesterday evening, which led to me cleaning my room for 5 hours today. Why would it take five hours? Because I'm a pack rat who thinks that I might need everything at some point, so I don't throw things away. But today I recycled and threw away a shit ton of stuff, and I have another two bags of things that I don't want anymore to sort through/give to Goodwill. I'm exhausted now though.

I'm contemplating going to the gym, but I am so tired. I didn't get a ton of sleep last night because I was cleaning (I know, I'm weird), and I got up pretty earlier to go to this knitting circle thing. I had an eye doctor appointment and am trying a different brand of contacts for a week. And then I cleaned! So in short, I feel like I should work out, but I'm really sore from yesterday (I did some really hard cardio and had physical therapy) and I'm exhausted from cleaning. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Here's the thing: I think a normal person would say, "Ok, I cleaned a bunch today and I'm tired. I'll just skip the gym. That's fine." But since I'm not a normal person, I say, "Well, I did clean today, but that didn't burn as many calories as cardio and didn't get my heart rate up. And who cares of I'm sore? I should just push through it. Plus I'll feel guilty if I don't work out!" That's the kicker right there: guilt. Guilt gets me every time. I don't know if I should or shouldn't work out, but I probably will end up working out anyway because I'll feel guilty if I don't. Not healthy, I know.

See, this is the kind of thing that worries me. I really, really don't want this gym membership thing to get obsessive. But I can't change who I am. I will probably always feel guilty for not working out if I'd planned to, and for not going the full time that I'd planned for cardio (i.e. I did 32 minutes of biking instead of 35. Big deal, right? For me it is.). All I'm saying is, I have to watch it.

Ok, I'll go away now. I have a headache and I'm super tired. So long!

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

I'm a stupid idiot. Seriously. So you know how I was hooking up with Isabel? Well I'm a dumbass. I have feelings for her. Lots and lots of feelings. Like possible love feelings. I'm fucked. I've gotta get out of this as fast as possible. But I don't want to... I don't know if I can do it.

We had a talk on Saturday. She initiated it, and asked what I thought we were doing, where it was going, how I felt, etc. I told her that I had some feelings but that it was fine because I knew exactly what I was doing (it's all for her, it's her big lesbian college experience, she's basically using me for sexual favors). I do know exactly what I'm doing. I'm just not sure I should be doing it. I'm dumb. Really, really dumb.

After our talk, which we had on the way to this dance show, I cut myself. 26 days down the drain. Fuck. And since then, I've cut at least three times per day. Saturday, Sunday, today. Well, today I've only cut twice but I'm about to do it again. And I went to Walgreens today and bought real razors. The really sharp, scary ones that I shouldn't be allowed to have because I freak myself out with them and usually need stitches (but never get stitches). I'm a dumbass. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Dumb.

Life. It sucks. I'm depressed. And suicidal. Not much, but enough that it's not just a passing fancy. I think my therapist and I have some sort of agreement that I call her when I feel suicidal, or else she won't treat me. But I can't remember. So better not tell her about this. I can't tell anyone. I can't have anyone tell on me. I'm supposed to be fucking past this! What the fuck? And going back to the hospital would be a waste of time and money (plus I'm not that far gone yet). The hospital was stupid. Didn't help. I'm stupid. I could call a friend but I never do. I could pray to God to help me, but I never do. I could actually care, but I never do.

Dumb.

Also, Lent is over, so I can eat chocolate! That is the one bright spot this week. Yummmmmmmmmm.

Hate

Yesterday couldn't have gotten worse. The daytime was ok. I hung out with some friends and had some delicious challah (Jewish braided bread, sooooo goood!). Then I played Monopoly with my friends Jamie and Dana. That's when stuff started going downhill.

During Monopoly, we decided as a group to go to some parties because there was this cool Traffic Light Party. You are supposed to wear green if you're single, yellow/orange if it's complicated, and red if you're taken. We discussed what we could wear, etc. I started drinking a rum and coke because I can't go to parties without drinking; I just get bored and I leave after 2 minutes (literally). My friends also started drinking. We finished playing Monopoly (I lost hardcore, lol) and then it got ugly. We were discussing what to do next, and Jamie said that she was tired and didn't want to go to the party. I was kind of pissed, because this is not the first time that she's backed out of plans. She claimed that the plans weren't definite and we should just do something else. But I drank just because we were going to the party! I told her that it was ok if she and Dana didn't want to party; I would just find another friend to go with. I was fairly drunk at this point, but not ridiculously so, and my judgment was still good and I wasn't falling over or anything.

We ended up having a HUGE argument over the situation. Jamie and Dana ganged up on me and claimed that I was being extremely selfish by saying that I wanted to go to the party with someone else. We had plans, and I was ditching them. I said that NO, I was not ditching them; our plans were to play Monopoly. We played Monopoly. If anything, they were being unfair because we had planned to go the party and they backed out. But apparently I'm selfish and I ditch my friends whenever they don't want to do what I want to do. What??

I also think that if I were in a similar situation and my friend didn't want to do what I wanted to do, I would be ok with that. I would not freak out because "they were being selfish." Uuug.

We argued for at least 2 hours, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. Jamie made it clear that she didn't want to drink with me ever again. I made it clear that I couldn't be friends with someone who was going to back out of plans repeatedly and then call ME selfish. She wouldn't give me back my alcohol. I was pissed. I left.

I went to my room. I was really angry, at myself and at them. I felt like I was a horrible person and maybe they were right. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am self-centered. I feel like I am sometimes. I talk about myself a lot, but really, how can you have a conversation without bringing your personal experiences into it?

I cut myself.

I couldn't stop sobbing.

I called my other best friends and they came over and stayed with me until I had stopped crying and felt a little better. I sobered up and drank at TON of water, and passed out. This morning it still hurts, but I know that after what happened, our friendship can't be repaired.

Last night I lost one of my oldest friends and my BEST best friend. I can't believe this is happening. I also can't believe that I cut again. During the fight, I knew that as soon as I left, I was going to cut.

This is so dumb. I hate it.

Iz not so gooood

Intake today:
- Breakfast: None, I was sleeping (0)
- Lunch: Salad (lettuce, croutons, cheese, ranch dressing) (271) and Light and Fit yogurt (80)
- Snack: Diet Pepsi (1)
- Dinner: Veggies (140)
Total: 491

Iz not goood. I mean, if I were trying to not eat, then it would be fine. But since I'm supposed to be in recovery and I'm trying to convince myself that a relapse is a BAD idea, it's NOT good. The disordered side is winning...

F.

Oh also, my weight is down 5 pounds from last week and 1 pound from yesterday. Oops.