I feel that an update is in order

Definitely. A lot has happened since my last post (12 days ago!). The biggest thing is that I checked myself into the hospital on Thursday night (November 18th) and was there for four days. I went to a counseling session on Thursday at 3 pm, and was completely honest with my therapist (I had been lying to her about the suicidal part and how seriously I was cutting, among other things). Because of everything I told her and the fact that I have been spiraling downwards during the past month, she and I agreed that the safest place for me would be the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself and she didn't feel safe leaving me alone over the weekend. So I checked into the hospital on Thursday night at 7 pm.

It was actually quite nice! The ward I was in was an inpatient psychiatric and addictions ward. I had a roommate who was detoxing from alcohol. She was super nice, as were all the other patients. The nurses were all very welcoming and the therapists were nice too. I was terrified at first, and sort of in denial that I was in a hospital, but I got over that eventually. On Friday, I saw the psychiatrist, who upped my dose of Lexapro from 10mg daily to 20mg daily. I started feel better from that change on Sunday. Other than that, the biggest helps were the massive amounts of group therapy and just being around others who were dealing with the same issues. I had group therapy 5 to 6 times per day. Each session was about something different, like boundaries, communication skills, or something similar. I made a few good friends, too, and I have a few phone numbers and email addresses from people I met in the hospital.

Overall it was a good decision for me. I was discharged on Monday morning and resumed classes yesterday. The biggest thing I learned is that I need to ask for help before it gets too crazy and I need to be in a hospital. I learned that people really don't mind helping me, and in fact, they want to help me! Crazy, right? I'm really glad that I went in, because now I realize how serious my problems actually are and how much I need support.

I'm planning on seeing my therapist here (at school) until the end of the semester (December 15th), and then I am seeing my therapist at home on December 16th. She can refer me to a psychiatrist in Oregon, and he or she can monitor my medication better.

I'm basically just glad to be alive! Thanks to everyone who was helpful during the last few weeks (friends, sister, parents, etc). I love you all! THANK YOU.