Friday, August 13, 2010
Need for control
It's not that I really want to go back, because I realize that it's not a sustainable lifestyle (for me at least). My original plan was to starve myself skinny and then go into recovery when I got home from school in December. I am going to Australia for study abroad in February, and I don't want to be obsessed with food while I'm over there. I actually want to enjoy myself, not be worried about my weight the whole time! But anyway, I just want the control back. Sometimes I feel like starving was the only thing I was good at, and now what do I have? Of course, deep down I know that's not true. I am a valued employee at my workplace. People appreciate the things I do. I'm a good student (3.76 GPA, thank you very much). I'm intelligent and semi-attractive and I'm good at many things. I just have to believe in myself, I guess.
I haven't weighed myself in a while, and that's good because I'm afraid that I've gained more. I'm definitely scared to face the scale, and I will have to look eventually. Like I've said before, if I get above 190, something will have to change. I think when I get back to school, I'm going to eat like a normal person and not worry too much about what kind of food I'm eating, but I'm going to cut back on the dessert. Last year I ate dessert with practically every meal, and that's not really alright. So I'm thinking that maybe 1 dessert or less per day would be a good start, and then once I get used to that, then I can cut back more if I feel it's necessary. But I don't want to cut it out altogether, because then I'll get obsessive again. Did you know that's what started this relapse in March? I decided to cut out dessert and soda, and within a week I was hardcore restricting and purging again. Wow. It obviously doesn't take much to trigger me, so I have to be careful.
I love you ladies, you know that. You are my sunshines :) Stay strong everyone!