Friday, August 13, 2010

Need for control

Sometimes I feel like going back to starving, even though I know it's not good for me. I read some of my friends' blogs here (which I shouldn't really do anyway because it's triggering, but they're my friends, I can't just abandon them!) and I miss it. I miss having control like that. I miss the accomplished feeling of losing 2 pounds in a day. I miss meeting my weight goals and being happy all day because of it. I miss knowing that I am stronger than all those people who need to eat. I miss feeling skinny.

It's not that I really want to go back, because I realize that it's not a sustainable lifestyle (for me at least). My original plan was to starve myself skinny and then go into recovery when I got home from school in December. I am going to Australia for study abroad in February, and I don't want to be obsessed with food while I'm over there. I actually want to enjoy myself, not be worried about my weight the whole time! But anyway, I just want the control back. Sometimes I feel like starving was the only thing I was good at, and now what do I have? Of course, deep down I know that's not true. I am a valued employee at my workplace. People appreciate the things I do. I'm a good student (3.76 GPA, thank you very much). I'm intelligent and semi-attractive and I'm good at many things. I just have to believe in myself, I guess.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, and that's good because I'm afraid that I've gained more. I'm definitely scared to face the scale, and I will have to look eventually. Like I've said before, if I get above 190, something will have to change. I think when I get back to school, I'm going to eat like a normal person and not worry too much about what kind of food I'm eating, but I'm going to cut back on the dessert. Last year I ate dessert with practically every meal, and that's not really alright. So I'm thinking that maybe 1 dessert or less per day would be a good start, and then once I get used to that, then I can cut back more if I feel it's necessary. But I don't want to cut it out altogether, because then I'll get obsessive again. Did you know that's what started this relapse in March? I decided to cut out dessert and soda, and within a week I was hardcore restricting and purging again. Wow. It obviously doesn't take much to trigger me, so I have to be careful.

I love you ladies, you know that. You are my sunshines :) Stay strong everyone!


  1. I'm right there with you. on the edge, on the brink of recovery/relapse. You just need to stay strong. you can do it.


  2. Is having an ed control, does it mean success? Or do you have more control when you are fighting? Do you control it or does it control you? Does it take more strength to fight or to give in? Yeah, restricting takes willpower, but is willpower the same as strength?

    I can tell you that my life is a hell of a lot harder when I am fighting for recovery, than when I am giving in. When I give in, it gives me a break from the thoughts and anxiety for a while.

  3. *Hugs* You are good at other things besides starving and making yourself feel like shit!

    Take that control learned and channel it into other things. Like BEATING those fucking demons! You are so much stronger than all the silly little girls who claw at the door to this hell. You are so courageous and amazing for taking up the fight towards getting better. Aussie guys like a girl who has a pinchable ass and boobs you can motorboat, trust me ;)

    I love you so much, you can do this!

    Mmmmm porridge. I'm gonna go get some special and eat it with milk and brown sugar and pretend you're having breakfast with me :D


  4. It's a good thing that you can tell positive things about yourself. It's good that you are aware of those things.
    And be careful about cutting down food and relapsing, honey!
    Lots of love, stay strong,

  5. 3.76 GPA! Awesome job! I completely agree that you should work on yourself before going off to Australia. You definitely want to remember the fun times you had there, not the obsessing over food that you did. And you want to be able to enjoy all that Australia has to offer, which includes different types of food! I think it's really healthy how you are approaching things right now; you know that you could still relapse, so you are taking precautions to avoid doing so. I think you should wait a while to weigh yourself, until you feel strong enough that if the number is higher than 190, you can approach it calmly and rationally, and not spin out of control over it. I really admire you for taking this step :) Love you! xoxo

  6. No, YOU'RE amazing! You are! DON'T shake your head at me young lady! :p

    I'll have a great scandalizing the family. Blue haired girl knitting at the pub :3 *Evil laughter*

    I hope you're going well today. Remember that you're stronger than the demons! They only have whatever strength they can steal from you.


  7. you are stronger than those demons!!! that those negative thoughtss!!! you are amazing and very very smart!!!! and have so much to look forward to!