Recovery is about feelings, not food, but we can't reason or build trust when bingeing, purging or starving.
I know this intellectually, but I find it hard to believe sometimes. When I'm eating, especially these days, I am not feeling anything in particular. I guess for me, eating is an escape from my feelings. My feelings are too much, and I don't want to deal with them. I think it started that way, at least, and now I just use food for everything (even if I can deal with it). For example, I was doing homework about 15 minutes ago, and the internet started acting up and wouldn't load anything. I got really frustrated, decided I wanted some chocolate, and ate a mini candy bar. That doesn't sound like a crisis, but I was not hungry and I didn't need the chocolate. I told myself that I was just killing time, waiting for the internet to come back again, but that's not true at all. I was frustrated, so I ate.
I eat for every emotion. If I'm happy, I eat. Bored? I am eating. Sad? Definitely eating. Angry? Food is my comfort. Stressed? FOOD!
It's completely ridiculous. I have to learn how to stop this cycle, because it's not productive. I'm supposed to be in recovery, yet I'm still using food to deal with my life. This is not how it's supposed to be.
Realistically, I recognize that this is a process and it's won't happen overnight. But seriously, why can't it?? I just want to be recovered! I want to skip all this emotional bullshit and get to the normal, healthy part. Yuck. Of course, it doesn't work that way, but I can wish.
This week, my goal is to honor my emotions instead of eating them. I will try to be conscious of what I'm putting into my mouth, and why. Hopefully I will be successful! I will take it one day at a time. Wish me luck! Stay strong <3