Friday, December 24, 2010

There isn't a title to fit this post

A lot's been happening I guess. My ED is probably the least of my problems. The biggest ones are the rape and the depression/hypomania. I officially have some sort of bipolar-like mood disorder, probably Bipolar II Disorder. It's the less intense one where you get hypomanic episodes instead of full-blown manic ones. Mostly I get the depression, but being on the Lexapro earlier this year triggered a huge hypomanic episode. That definitely explains the copious amounts of hook-ups and alcohol use!

In other related news, I am not going to Australia. My college called a week ago and said that they weren't comfortable letting me go overseas. I guess I'm too unstable. I think the biggest reasons they won't let me go are a) my suicidal intent shortly before I left school in December, b) my alcohol use, and c) the lack of support available to me at the Australian university. Other reasons include a) they're covering their asses, b) they don't like me, and c) my rape. It's very frustrating that they didn't tell me all of this sooner, because I'd already purchased my plane ticket, student visa, health insurance, etc. My family is out about $1,000. The school agreed to absorb the cost of my student visa ($500), otherwise we'd be out $1,500 instead. I'm trying to fight with the airlines and the study abroad program to give me back the rest of my money. I mean, if I had a heart attack and couldn't go abroad, they would totally give me my money. This is the same thing! Hopefully something can be worked out.

I guess I'm disappointed. It's very disconcerting to have planned for something for over a year and then suddenly it's not possible anymore. They said I could go abroad in the fall if I wanted, but I have plans for senior year. I want an internship with the Admissions office and I want to do a senior thesis (which you have to be invited to do!). So going in the fall is out. However, it's not all bad news. I can minor in religious studies now, which I couldn't do before because I didn't have time with the study abroad. I also get to see my friends and have a strong support system as I recover from everything that's happened in the last year. I also get to see my crush, although I don't know if she likes me back, so that's another story I guess :)

I'm trying to look on the bright side. Mostly I'm affected by other things like the rape right now. I got an email from my school last night about the final outcome of the report that I filed. Basically, my attacker is not allowed to contact me and is not allowed on campus until after I graduate. I think that's pretty good for what I had to work with. It's hard to do anything to a person who is graduating. I think the hardest part of all of this for me is having to think about it again. I had sort of pushed it away, and I had to read her statement in the email, and that was very upsetting. I hate her so much. She lied to the school and said that I said I would hurt myself if we didn't have sex. I would NEVER say that. You guys know me! I am not manipulative with my self-injury. It's only for myself! Even my therapist said that it was the most bizarre excuse she'd ever heard, and she's worked on a lot of college campuses before. Ugg this just makes me so angry. I wish she would die.

Blarg, well I think this has been long enough. Oh, last thing. I got on a new medication because Lexapro wasn't working anymore and then it made me very suicidal when they upped my dose. So now I'm taking Lamictal. 25mg for two weeks and then 50mg for two weeks, and then we'll see. I really hope this helps! I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.

Love you all, and sorry I've been so lax in posting and commenting.


  1. heart goes out to you. I'm worried for you. Take care of yourself..even toss the ED away because you need some love! I'm sending it to you! LOVE LOVE LOVE. I'm so sorry for what happened.

  2. im sorry, and hope things get better for you.
    have a lovely christmas. <3