Friday, April 30, 2010

For the next few days...

Hi guys :) So for the next few days, probably until Tuesday, I will be eating like a normal person. I know, it seems hard to believe that this is possible. I just can't focus on my exams when I'm constantly thinking about food, or berating myself for a binge, or whatever. So in order to not fail out of college, I will eat. Just until Tuesday, and then it's back to starving. I am not counting calories, because I will want to kill myself. I will not weigh myself until Wednesday, and then I will lose all the weight I've gained back. As long as I don't let it turn into a four-day binge, I shouldn't gain too much.

I got weighed at the doctor's office yesterday and I was 179, but I really needed to pee, was fully clothed, and had just eaten lunch. So it wasn't a completely accurate number. After doing my exam (annual gyno exam, yay fun) the doctor asked me, was my diet and exercise was going alright? Do I exercise? Yes, of course I exer
cise. I love it when doctors imply that you are fat without actually saying it. It was not her job to ask my those questions, but she did anyway. Like she felt justified because she had just looked in my vagina. Right.

I want to kill myself slightly less than on Wednesday, which is good. I think that eating normally for a few days will be good for me, because then I won't get really stressed and binge and hate myself.

Well, sorry I can't be more inspiring. I'll inspire you all starting again on Tuesday, when I will start to shed all the weight I gain over the next few days. Think thin!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Quizzy Quiz

Age: 19
Height: 5'7
Weight: Don't know, probably like 180 or 185

Highest Weight: 220
Lowest Weight: 140
Goal Weight: 105

Favorite Diet Food:
Mixed vegetables, rice cakes, sugar-free jello

Favorite Binge Food:
Chocolate and pasta

Favorite Exercise:
Stationary bike

Favorite Thinspo?
Anyone super skinny

Where Do You Slip Up?
When I'm depressed or stressed

When Did It Start?
When I was 12 or 13 and I thought I was fatter than all the other girls in my dance classes, so I went on a diet.

Does Anyone Know?
Yes, several people I go to school with.

Do You Want Help?
I do, but I don't want to recover. I want to be skinny, but I also want to be happy.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
I try for 200-400 per day.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Fat, ugly, stupid.

Are You In A Relationship?

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Fat one

Are You Depressed?

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
No, but I have had a plan before.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ED-NOS
[ ] bulimic

[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/​bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] Don't know I still am anorexic/​bulimic
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/​bulimic

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/​bulimic
[ ] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[ ] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public.

[] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've been suspended from school.

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-​depressants.​
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[sometimes] I'm addicted to self harm.
[ ] I've woken up crying

[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.

[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[ ] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-​depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[sometimes] I condone pro-ana/mia sites

[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food

[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment

[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I'm starting to wonder whether I can do this anymore. It started out great, and I didn't mind relapsing. But now that it's been two months, I remember why I hated it in the first place. I remember why it's a disease, not something you choose. Not that I chose to relapse; it just happened. But you know, I guess I thought I was being responsible. Now I realize that it is impossible to be responsible when you are basically killing yourself, and that it would take some serious work to recover again, and I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I can love myself again, love my body again, have a "normal" relationship with food again. And I don't know if I want to deal with everyone's reactions to my relapse until I have something to show for it. So I think I'll keep going, but I hate it. I'll keep going until I meet the full criteria for anorexia, and then I might keep going after that too. Because as we all know, it's never enough. Even if I'm dying, I won't be thin enough, and that scares me.

I hate this.
I hate me.
I hate that I'm doing this to the people who love me.
I hate my life.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Don't worry, the title has nothing to do with how my day went. I just feel off. My day was actually pretty good. I had work this morning, then my last sociology class (yes!!), and then more work. Then I went to a banquet that honored admissions office volunteers (i.e. people who host prospective students a lot), which was pretty good. And now I might go work out. Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Diet Coke (1)
- Lunch: 6 jelly beans (24) and 3 Andes Mints (80)
- Dinner: Salad with Italian dressing (120), some penne pasta with marinara sauce (113), and Diet Pepsi (1)
Total calories: 337

Not too awful. The salad was the only option at the banquet besides the pasta and some nasty-looking, greasy-ass pizza. I didn't want to look weird and not eat, because that's what the banquet was for- eating. Isn't it amazing how basically everything in college revolves around food? So odd.

I ended up purging more last night, and I also took three laxatives. They didn't hurt this time, which confused me, but whatever. I can live with that! I hope they make me less fat. I hate myself for the binge last night. The goddamn pizza is still in my fridge, and I don't know what to do with it. Grr.

I joined the Livestrong site yesterday, and it has these features that allow you to track your food, exercise, and weight loss for free. And you can set a calorie goal, although it won't let me go beneath 800 (and my goal is generally 400-500 maximum). I figured out today that if I want to lose 4 pounds per week, I need to eat 550 calories per day, maximum. I think that is completely doable. I just can't mess up. I don't anticipate great losses this week, since I've already overeaten twice.

Well, I wasn't going to work out, but writing this has inspired me :) I love you guys, you make me a better person. Think thin everyone!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Binge and Purge

After I wrote the lovely post about my great day, I went and binged and purged pizza and cheese curds. Really? Why can't I let myself have one good day? Why do I have to sabatoge my success? My friend and I have been up late doing homework (I still am doing homework because I spent all my time purging), and we ordered pizza and cheese curds. I told myself that it was ok because I was just being a normal college student, but then I felt really full and out of control, so I purged. I only got about half of it though, basically just the cheese curds and none of the pizza. So I might go back in a minute and do it again. I got worried that my friend would wonder where I went, so I stopped and went back to the lounge. She didn't suspect a thing. She thought I'd just gone to my room. Dummy Liz... Well, I'm sorry I'm such a fat, ugly loser. I don't deserve nice comments like the ones you guys all gave me earlier today. I hate myself. Love,


Sorry for not posting yesterday!

Yesterday started out alright, but then it got a little weird. I don't want to say that yesterday was bad, because that would color my perceptions of my actions and probably make me upset with myself (and I just don't feel like dealing with that right now). Here is what I ate yesterday:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: Pasta (50) and peas/broccoli (50)
- Dinner: Cracker/cheese sandwich (100), Caesar salad (300), delicious homemade chocolate cake (probably like 800), and vanilla ice cream (200)
Total calories: about 1,500

I should feel bad about the chocolate cake, but I don't. I should have purged it, but I didn't because I felt that it wouldn't have been appropriate. I ate it at a party for girls in my sorority who have met academic goals this semester. I have definitely met my academic goals for this semester. In fact, I am getting an award from the psych department on Wednesday for being a "promising sophomore." Also, I just met another weight goal of 175 pounds, which is 30 pounds lost in seven weeks! Dude, SERIOUSLY?! That's ridiculously amazing. So I ate the cake. I didn't think of it as a binge and I didn't feel bad; I was rewarding myself for a semester of hard work, academic and otherwise.

So although I ate at least twice what I should have yesterday, I'm not really upset with myself. However, I will not be weighing myself until Wednesday, when I know the damage will be reversed. The group diet I'm in has a new plan for the week:
- Day 1: 300 calories + exercise
- Day 2: 250 calories in liquids + exercise
- Day 3: 200 calories of green foods and liquids + exercise
- Day 4: 150 calories + exercise
- Day 5: 250 calories + exercise
- Day 6: Whatever you want (I'm going to do 400 or less) + exercise
- Day 7: 400 calories + exercise
There is exercise every day this week, and I think I can do it. It will be good for me. I will try to do at least 30 minutes on the stationary bike each day, 45-60 minutes if I can manage it. There will be no marathon workouts, because those just don't turn out well. I may just skip the exercising on Sunday, but we will see how I feel.

My goal is to weigh 170 pounds by the time I leave campus on Tuesday, May 4th (next week). Assuming that I've gained a few pounds from the cake yesterday, I will hopefully be back to 174 or 175 by Wednesday. That gives me six days to lose 4 or 5 pounds, which is totally doable. I am going to try to eat only salad and veggies this week, unless my bf gets suspicious or something.
Ok, here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Egg whites with veggies (100) and 1/2 cup skim milk (45)
- Lunch: Salad with a few shreds of cheese and beans (10) and mixed veggies (60)
- Dinner: Salad (10), mixed veggies/corn (50), and 2 tbsp whipped cream (15)
Total calories: 290

I also worked out this afternoon for 30 minutes on the stationary bike, and burned 400 calories.
I love you girlies! Think thin, and I'll post again tomorrow :)

P.S. Madison- I wasn't sure if you meant me or not, because you basically quoted some of the things that I'd said. No worries, I'm not too offended ;) I know what you mean.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Oh Saturdays...

This morning I woke up early to meet a friend to study. Unfortunately, she slept through her alarms and didn't show, but I was still really productive and wrote half of a take-home exam that is due Tuesday. I'm sure it's a piece of shit, but at least I have a draft :) I talked to the friend, and we are meeting at 6 pm tonight, to make up for this morning. On the bright side, I skipped breakfast and lunch because of this meeting with the friend (I said I'd eat lunch with her, and I never eat breakfast on weekends). I am also going to get to skip dinner, because I am studying with this friend again :) Also today, I have a sorority event that I have to set up for, go to, and clean up. So busy!

Last night I had a little incident with some cheese and crackers at one of the parties I went to, which was really unfortunate. However, I woke up this morning and have been fasting all day, and I weighed myself this afternoon and am 175! That's my next goal weight, and I'm four days ahead of schedule, so I am super excited! I guess the binge revved up my metabolism or something. Anyhoo, I'm super thrilled and can't wait to hit my next goal. In anticipation of meeting my goal sometime this weekend, I went to a movie with friends last night (that was the reward for weighing 175). We saw The Back-Up Plan, which was great! I love Jennifer Lopez, she is sooo pretty.

I also worked out today for an hour and a half. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes, the stationary bike for 30 minutes, and stretching/sit-ups for the rest. I burned about 900 calories. Here is what I've eaten today:

- Breakfast: Nothing
- Lunch: Nothing
- Dinner: Not consumed yet, but will be nothing
Total calories: That's right, zero!

Lol, so it's been a really good day. I have a ton to do today and the rest of the weekend, and I seriously don't want to do it. Well, I should go do some homework :( Think thin, ladies!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Another Friday

Hi guys! How is everyone? My day was alright. I didn't end up working out like I wanted to, just because I'm so tired. I took a nap instead. Those laxatives that I took last night were killer! I haven't taken laxatives in almost four years, and I'd forgotten what happens, lol. They didn't do anything until my classes this morning, and then I was in agony all throughout my first two classes, until they finally stopped torturing my intestines and I could go to the bathroom. Yuck. But on the bright side, I feel flushed out and clean! And I lost another pound! I'm down to 176, and I feel like at this rate, I will definitely be at 175 by Sunday. The only problem is that I don't have access to a scale until Monday, unless I go bug my friend and borrow hers. I might do that...

I think I'm going to cut back on my work outs. Eating less than 300 calories all week and working out every day is starting to wear on me. I think that it works better when I work out 3-4 times per week instead of 5-6. But the calories this week were really good :) Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: 4 medium strawberries (16) and an orange Crystal Light packet (10)
- Lunch: Pasta (50) and mixed vegetables (50)
- Dinner: 1 grilled Portabello mushroom cap (50) and corn/broccoli (75)
Total calories: 251

Not too bad, but more than I wanted to eat. I have to go to two parties later tonight too, and I'm afraid that I might end up eating or drinking something. I will bring a Diet Pepsi to both things and sip on it the whole time. I might also be going out with friends to get half-priced appetizers from Applebee's, but I won't eat anything. Just sip on Diet Pepsi! I'm glad I'm drinking soda again, because I seriously missed it :) I didn't drink it for almost two months.

Well, I need to go to the first party soon, so I will wish you all goodnight. Love you all, you are all such inspirations to me! Think thin :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Almost done...

Almost done with the semester, not with the weight loss. Does anyone ever just wish they could be normal? I usually think these things when I really want to eat something that I shouldn't. Like tonight at dinner, it was pasta and garlic bread plus some delicious-looking dessert, and I seriously wanted it. I had more pasta than I should have because I wanted it so bad. I just took three laxatives to compensate, although I really didn't eat that much. Still, I feel better having taken the laxatives. Three is still within the recommended dose, so it's fine. Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: 4 medium strawberries (16) and 2 slivers of cantaloupe (5)
- Lunch: Diet Pepsi (1) and 2 chocolate Pockey sticks (22)
- Dinner: Pasta (120) and mixed vegetables (30)
Total calories: 194

Not too bad. I also worked out this afternoon for a little over an hour. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes, and then my ankles started to hurt (I have Achilles tendinitis from dancing in high school), so I switched to the stationary bike and did that for 30 minutes. I burned about 500 calories, which is not bad. I've been super tired and weak-feeling recently, which makes it hard to motivate myself to work out, and also makes it hard to actually work out. I tried to push myself to 45 minutes on the bike, but couldn't do it. I'm just so tired! I feel like this is partly me being lazy, and partly being exhausted. I've just got to get more sleep, and I'll be fine.

Oh hey, I'm down another pound! I was 177 when I weighed today. I hope to be 175 by Sunday, although I would be happy with 175 by next Wednesday (the 28th) too. That's my goal date for 175.

My semester is finally winding down. All I have left is a presentation tomorrow, a take-home final that is due Tuesday, a final draft of a paper due Friday, a final on next Saturday, and a final on next Tuesday. It sounds like a lot, but after tomorrow and the take-home final, the rest should be relatively easy. I've had so much work this semester, you have no idea... I'm so glad to get to relax for a few days after school gets out, before I start working.

Ok, so I just want to make a comment. Pretty much everyone who comments on my blog says things like "I wish I were as strong as you!" and "You are such an inspiration!". Well, you guys are too!! You are all super inspirational to me, and I couldn't do this without you.

I love you girlies to bits. Xoxoxo.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dinosaurs are the shit!

Hey ladies! How is everyone doing? My day was pretty good. Two of my three classes had presentation days today, so it was a pretty chill day. Here is what I ate:

- Breakfast: 5 tiny strawberries (15) and 4 grapes (14)
- Lunch: Diet Pepsi (1)
- Dinner: A bit of veggie lasagna (200- It looked super full of calories, so I rounded up to be safe) and carrots (20)
Total calories: 250

Not too shabby. I also worked out just now. I did the stationary bike for 45 minutes and the stair-stepper for 10 minutes, plus some sit-ups and stretching. I burned about 580 calories, which is good :) Dude, the stair-stepper machine is killer! I have been having trouble getting my heart rate up on the bike and elliptical, but my heart rate shot up almost immediately on the stair-stepper and my glutes and thighs burned the whole time. That thing is evil! I was basically just curious about it, and decided to try it, and I'm not sure if I will again, lol.

About the dinosaurs class: I AM SUPER STOKED! I didn't say it in my last post, but I was so excited when I saw that the class was being offered. Apparently it isn't offered very often, and everyone wants to get into it when it is. I am pretty sure that like 100 people signed up for it, but only 30 got in (including me!!). I am super excited, you have no idea :) I wish it was fall semester right now, just so I could take that class.

Oh, guess what? I lost a pound! I'm down to 178. I wish it was lower, but oh well. It may be slightly off too, because I weighed myself at 7:15 pm, and I bet my dinner was affecting the weight. I've said this before, but I HATE not having my own scale. It is such a pain.

I just want to personally thank everyone for their wonderful comments, especially (in no particular order) Charr, Sottile, Laur, OhMyGosh, LovelyyBonees, Madison, and Gigi. You guys are the ones who keep me going, and I super love you all!
Well, here is some lovely model thinspo to keep you girlies going! Think thin, xoxo.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Craving food...

Does anyone ever just want FOOD? Not vegetables, not a tiny bit of something, not a binge, just REAL FOOD. PASTA, RICE, basically I just want some hearty carbohydrates. I ate dinner tonight and the whole time I was thinking: I seriously want some pasta right now. It was so bad. I don't even want chocolate or ice cream or anything with sugar. I just want some pasta or a muffin or something.

Well, now that I got that out of my system, here is what I ate today:
- Breakfast: 4 medium strawberries (16)
- Lunch: None
- Dinner: Some beans/rice concoction (100) and some peas/carrots (40)
Total calories: 156

I stayed under the 250 calorie limit for the day easily. The only problem is that I don't have time to work out. I have a group meeting for my sociology class in 30 minutes, and then after that I am supposed to have sex with my boyfriend. Does sex count as exercise? What do you all think?

I have been so tired recently. I think that this is partly because I haven't been getting enough sleep and partly because of not eating enough and exercising a lot. I just need to get through the next two weeks and then I am officially on summer break. Unfortunately, I have to start working almost immediately, but that's alright. At least there aren't any readings or papers for work, right? Also, I am going home for a week starting May 22nd, and I want to be at least 170 by then. I calculated, and if I lose 3 lbs per week, I will be 167 lbs by May 22nd. But potentially I could lose up to 5 lbs per week, putting me at 159 lbs by May 22nd. That would be so great!! I have to get a new driver's license, so I want to look skinny :)

Oh hey, I got my class schedule for the fall semester confirmed today! Here is what I'm taking:
- Dinosaurs: Their Lost World
- Cultural Approaches to Math
- Writing 100: Cells, Pods, Links
- Life-Span Developmental Psychology
- TA for Personality Psychology
- Maybe Sculpture

That's more classes that usual, but I think that Writing 100 and Cultural Approaches should be a piece of cake, as should the TA thing, so it should be fine. I'm super excited for the fall! I wish it was the fall now. Well, except for the fact that I want to be skinny by the fall, and I'm not right now.

Well, take care ladies! Think thin.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Busiest Day of My Life! And weight loss!

So today was the craziest day I've ever had. Actually, that's not true. But it was definitely the day filled with the most big projects/exams that I've ever had. I had a presentation in my first class which went great (got a 97%), a quiz in my second class which went horribly (70%) but it's ok because I can drop my lowest quiz score, and an exam in my last class which seemed to go alright. So overall, I'm just super glad that today is over. Unfortunately, this whole week will be a little crazy for me, so that should be interesting. I have a paper due on Wednesday, a presentation and a portfolio (basically a bunch of papers) due Thursday, and another presentation on Friday. Yay... not.

Well, along with the diet group that I'm in on PrettyThin, I just joined a 4 week diet. Here is the plan for this week, beginning with today:
Day 1 (Monday): 200 calories + exercise
Day 2 (Tuesday): 250 calories + exercise
Day 3 (Wednesday): 400 calories
Day 4 (Thursday): 200 calories + exercise
Day 5 (Friday): 300 calories + exercise
Day 6 (Saturday): 370 calories + exercise
Day 7 (Sunday): Under 200 calories or fast

It shouldn't be too hard, except for maybe Sunday. Today went pretty well. Here is what I ate:
- Breakfast: 4 medium strawberries (16)
- Lunch: Lots of veggies (75)
- Dinner: 1/2 a vegan tamale (75) and veggies (25)
Total calories: 191

I also worked out for an hour doing the elliptical and weights/sit-ups and burned about 600 calories. I wanted to stay for longer, but my boyfriend didn't bring his keys so he needed me to let him back into our room. Ok, so this is sort of changing topics suddenly, but I feel the need. So I have a tattoo on my left shoulder blade of the National Eating Disorders Association recovery symbol. Here is what it looks like (except the smaller line is purple and the bigger line is red):

I feel sort of guilty, because when I got it a year and a half ago, I promised myself that I would never go back to my eating disorder. I got it as a reminder of how much my ED sucked. So now when I see it, I feel kind of bad because I'm clearly relapsed. Hmm.

Oh hey, guess what? I lost another pound!! I'm down to 179. I haven't been below 180 since right before my senior year of high school, so 2.5 years ago! This is awesome :) Well, I need to do some serious homework. Love you all! Stay strong.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

More Prospies

Hey guys! So today was alright. I had to deal with a lot of sorority meetings and more prospies. I haven't really studied all day, and I have two exams and a presentation tomorrow. I think I'm going to fail... Food-wise, today was ok. Here is what I ate:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: Pasta (100) and veggies (50)
- Snack: 1 airhead (47) and Diet Pepsi (0)
- Dinner: Pasta (200) and veggies (20)
Total calories: 417

So at least I kept it under 500. I didn't work out today, but I did run around a bit with my sorority this afternoon, and I walked all over campus, so I must have burned at least some calories. Well, I'm not sure what else to say about today. I really hope that this week is better than last week!! Think thin ladies :)

Saturday, April 17, 2010


Ok, so I was all set to do my fast. I had even figured out how to make it last until Tuesday morning! But then, this afternoon, I got a call from the Admissions office at my college. A little background: I work for the Admissions office and I host prospective students when they can't find anyone else. Basically, I am the last resort if absolutely no one volunteers. So today I got called not once, but twice, for prospies (that's what we call prospective students) that needed hosting. I already knew I was hosting on Sunday night, but I wasn't expecting it for tonight. So unfortunately I had to eat dinner with them, because I didn't want to look eating disordered. They will also be here with me for all three meals tomorrow. So basically, the fast is not possible anymore. I will just restrict to the MAX. I am upset about this, because I was so excited to finally get to do a fast! Well, here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: None
- Dinner: A few veggies (20)
Total calories: 20

I'm not upset about my calorie intake, because it's actually really good. I'm just annoyed that these prospies had to ruin my fast. Grr. Other than that, my day was alright. I got some homework done, although I still need to do a ton more. I have two exams and a presentation on Monday, so I've really got to buckle down. And tomorrow will be really busy with both sorority things and prospie things, so tonight is my only chance to do any homework. I sent my prospies to watch a play that is being put on by the school, so I have a few hours to do some homework now. Oh, I also worked out for 2 hours this morning. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical, 45 minutes on the bike, and 30 minutes of stretching/weights/sit-ups. I burned about 1,200 calories, which is fabulous! Well, I should get to that homework. I hope everyone had a great day! Think thin :)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Fasting for the next 44 hours!

Ok, so after my mediocre day of eating, I decided to binge and purge. Great. But it's ok, because I got most of it out. And I've decided that I'm going to fast this weekend. My boyfriend isn't sleeping in my room this weekend like he usually does. Tonight it's because there is a party at his house and he has to do security until late. Tomorrow there's no particular reason, other than it just seems dumb to spend every other day in his own room. And Sunday I am hosting several prospective students, so he can't sleep over. Also tomorrow, he is going to Madison to visit a friend ALL DAY. So I don't have to eat at all. And since he is not sleeping over tomorrow night, I don't need to eat until dinner on Sunday. I can just say that I went to brunch early and I missed him, if he asks why I didn't see him at brunch on Sunday.

I am so excited for this fast! I haven't been able to fast in such a long time.. Once, when I was 16, I fasted for 6 days straight, and it was fabulous. 44 hours is not nearly as good, but it will do. Also tomorrow, to atone for my binge, I will do a killer workout. The sports center doesn't open till 10 am, so I plan on waking up at 9 am to get ready and do a little stretching/push-ups/sit-ups beforehand. I think I'm going to do 45 minutes on the elliptical, 45 minutes on the stationary bike, 20-30 minutes weights, and then perhaps something else if I have any energy left. I may even do a workout in the morning and then do another one in the evening. That sounds like a great idea!

Well, I'm sorry for letting everyone down :( I feel like you all count on me to be perfect, and I'm just not. I hope you will all still read my blog. You are all amazing!

Fridays Suck

I hate Fridays. I didn't used to, but now that I don't eat, they are awful. First, there is macaroni and cheese for lunch on Fridays, and I'm expected to eat it because I used to love it. Second, there is an ice cream sundae bar at dinner on Fridays, and it always tortures me to see everyone else enjoying their ice cream. On that note, here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: 3 medium strawberries (12) and 5 grapes (17)
- Lunch: Macaroni and cheese (200)
- Snack (ugg): Pretzels (100)
- Dinner: Pasta (50) and veggies (50)
Total calories: 429

So not awful, but Friday's are always higher in calories than I want them to be. I weighed myself this afternoon and I was 181. I really wanted to be 180, and I know I should be happy that I lost a pound, but I really, really wanted to be 180! I was so good this week! This brings me to my next annoyance: I hate not having my own scale. Despite the fact that it's embarrassing to have to use the scale in the athletic training room, something I won't even be able to do next semester, I can only weigh myself in the afternoon or evening. The training room doesn't open until 12:30 pm, so I usually just weigh before I work out. I can't wait for this summer, when I can weigh whenever I want!

I had to battle some serious cravings today. I didn't work out because I'm exhausted and my back somehow got injured, so I took a three hour nap instead. And when I woke up, all I could think about were pretzels. In fact, that's all I can think about now too :( I'm not even hungry!

Well, I think that's all I have to say. I wish this semester were over...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Strawberries and Kristen Stewart

I found out today that strawberries speed up your metabolism and have a diuretic effect! Sweet, I've been eating them this whole time and not knowing how great they were! Also, Kristen Stewart is super thin and pretty, even though she can't act to save her life.

Today was not too bad. I had work for four hours and class for two hours. I worked out first thing this morning. I did 30 minutes on the bike, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and 15 minutes of stretching/sit-ups. I burned about 800 calories, which is pretty good.

I've been thinking lately about this summer and how I won't have access to a gym like I do at school. Boo :( But I think what I'll do is swim all the time. I was on the swim team this past year, and it was a blast, but then I got injured (rotator cuffs in my shoulders), and it wasn't fun anymore. But now I'm better, thanks to rehab and resting, so I can swim again. I was looking up gym pricing today, and figured out that it would be a lot cheaper to swim at this pool by my boyfriend's parent's house than to get a gym membership for four months. The pool has 10-pass punch cards for $12, so my total for the summer would be something like $120 for the whole summer, and that's if I swim every single day (which I doubt I will, maybe like 5-6 days per week). And getting a gym membership would cost about $35 per month, plus an enrollment fee of anywhere between $20 and $70, equaling out to between $160 and $210. So I think swimming is the better option, and it's a full-body workout too. Plus my boyfriend's parents have some weights in their basement, so I could use those too if I wanted. Anyone have any input? Will I get tired of having to go at certain lap-swim-designated times, and doing the same thing every time? What would you do?

Well, here is what I ate today:

-Breakfast: 4 medium strawberries (16)
- Lunch: None
- Dinner: Pasta (50), peas (30), and some grilled veggies (30)
Total calories: 126, yay!

Great calorie intake today :) I love having good days! I think I only mess up when there is a group activity that involves food, like a sorority event or a family holiday. I hope there aren't any of those things soon, because I can't afford any more mess-ups. I am weighing myself tomorrow afternoon before my workout, and I'm hoping for 180. That would be so fabulous!

I have my period this week, and I just want to share a funny story (I think it's funny, but it might just be me). I was working out on Wednesday, which was the first day of my period, and I was doing the elliptical machine. Just for some background, I use a DivaCup instead of tampons, but I have a lot of problems with it, like it wanting to fall out a lot of the time (but it never actually does). During my workout on the elliptical, I seriously felt like my DivaCup was falling out, like WAY more than usual! I was seriously concerned that it would end up in my underwear. I was really uncomfortable for half the workout, but didn't want to stop. Sometimes, being a woman is such a hassle! Luckily, I did the elliptical again today and my DivaCup stayed put. Thank goodness!

Well, I feel like I have successfully overshared for the day, so I will go do some homework now. I seriously wish the semester was over!!! Think thin everyone!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Spring Day

Keira Knightley is so hot....

So today was Spring Day at school, but I didn't end up doing many of the activities. I basically spent half my day in the gym, working my butt off for two hours. That doesn't sound like the whole day, I know, but I didn't wake up until 10 am, and then there's also the time it takes to shower after the gym, etc. I did the elliptical for 45 minutes, the stationary bike for 45 minutes, and lifted weights/did sit-ups for 30 minutes. It was a great workout, but I was sooo tired afterward! And in other good news - I lost three pounds since Monday! Right now I'm at 182, which puts me below my previous recent low weight (which was 183). So I'm super excited and hoping that this means that I'm back on track. I decided that I will reward myself for not slipping up and bingeing/eating the wrong things by allowing myself to have ice cream on Friday if I have been good that week. This week I have not been good, so no ice cream, but maybe next week. Ok, so here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: Rice (50) and carrots (50)
- Dinner: Rice (50), mixed fruit (25) and carrots (25)
Total calories: 200

That's pretty good. I had an incident with some chips last night while I was drunk/high (weed always makes me hungry, so I probably should have avoided it, but whatever). I don't think I will be drinking for the rest of the semester and the summer, because a) there are way too many calories in alcohol, and b) I tend to eat or do stupid shit when I'm drunk. So the next time I drink will probably be the first weekend of the fall semester.

Today I was sitting on the ground waiting for friends, and when they came over, I got up quickly, and I almost passed out. I get lightheaded sometimes and spots intrude upon my visual field, but this time they almost covered it entirely. Is this bad? I don't really want to be passing out, because that would alert people to my eating disorder.

Well, I didn't get nearly enough homework done today, so I should do some of that. Ok, here's some thinspo!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The "Perfect" Day

Hello lovelies! Today was fabulous :) I had work for 6 hours, and a two hour class. During my 6 hours of work (in which my only task is to answer the phone and get the mail occasionally), I got a crapton of homework done, including a draft of a paper due Friday. Yay! There is also no class tomorrow because of this thing my college does called Spring Day, when there is no class and you basically play all day. There will be laser tag, free tshirts and tie die, free food (which I will not eat), and other fun things. It's the best day ever, but I will most likely spend it doing homework and working out. I do, however, plan to get a tshirt and tie die it, and perhaps play some laser tag (which will also burn calories!). Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: 4 medium strawberries (16)
- Lunch: None
- Dinner: None
Total calories: 16!

So far. I am also planning on drinking tonight, because there is no class tomorrow, but I think that since I haven't eaten all day, I shouldn't need to much alcohol to get pretty drunk. Maximum, I will drink 400 calories, which would still put me under 500 calories for the day. I also worked out for an hour today. I biked for 45 minutes, and did sit-ups and stretched for 15 minutes. I burned 450 calories, which is pretty good. The whole time, I was totally pushing myself too. I wanted to quit after 30 minutes, but I kept going, so I'm proud of myself. So basically, this day rocked.

I also keep forgetting to mention that I joined this site called Pretty Thin, and I'm part of a group diet and a spring challenge there. The group diet isn't anything specific, but basically it's just 12 of us supporting one another and losing weight for the summer. The spring challenge involves making four promises: a) Giving up some food (I chose chocolate), b) Giving up some drink (I chose soda), c) Trying to fix a personal flaw (I chose procrastination), and d) Punishing yourself if you mess up (I will do one sit-up and one push-up for every extra calorie of forbidden foods I eat). The group diet is working out great, and I am receiving a TON of support that is fabulous.

So anyway, tomorrow is supposed to be your "Perfect Day" for the group diet. I decided that I would get a lot of homework done, exercise for 2 hours, eat less than 300 calories, and socialize with at least one person. But I'm sort of thinking- I did almost all of these things today too! If I wasn't drinking, I would only have consumed 16 calories. I exercised, did a ton of homework, and will be socializing later. So I guess I get two perfect days! Oh yah, and I didn't get to weigh myself today, but I'm hoping that I will be back down to 183 when I weigh tomorrow. I ballooned up to 185 after the weekend. Well, that's all I have for now. You are all amazing!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Sunshine Awards and My Day :)


1. Post this logo within your blog or post.
2. Pass the award onto 5 fellow bloggers.
3. Link to the nominees within your post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received an award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link the person whom you received this blog award.

#1: OhMyGosh (Starving for Beauty), because she is amazing. She always has these great posts that inspire me to be better. I am so thankful for her!

#2: PrettyWreck (Control), because I feel like I'm reading my own writing when she posts. We think alike and it helps me stay on track to read her stuff :)

#3: Buu (Eat No Evil), because she always has great thinspo and she motivates me to eat less and exercise more.

#4: Charr (All I Ever Wanted Was This), because although I just started reading her blog, she makes so much sense and I love her! And she has commented on my posts, which I always love :)

#5: Laur (Il Faut Souffrir Pour Etre Belle), because of her awesome thinspo and her down-to-earth posts. Also, we seem to have similar stats, and it's nice to have someone that is near you in that respect.

I love all of you, and I'm so glad I know you/read your blog!

My day was pretty darn fabulous. I only got four hours of sleep last night, which is bad, but it was totally worth it. I talked out my crisis with a couple of friends, and it helped a ton. Now I'm actually able to focus on homework! Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: 5 grapes (17) and 3 strawberries (18)
- Lunch: A bit of macaroni and cheese (100) and mixed vegetables (50)
- Dinner: A little bit of spaghetti (50) and mixed vegetables (50)
Total calories: 285

Awesome! I also worked out for an hour and a half today. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes, then lifted weights for 30 minutes, and then did the stationary bike for 30 minutes. I burned 900 calories, which is excellent. It felt great! Speaking of food (not that we were, lol), I love mixed veggies! I love the mix of the corn and peas and carrots. It's really delicious, and low calorie, so I can enjoy it all I want.

I had an exam and a quiz today. My exam was great, and I totally aced it. The quiz didn't go as well, but they almost never do. On top of that, I told a friend about my eating disorder (she basically forced me to), and she's all worried, but she won't say anything. Well, I feel like some thinspo! Love you all, and think thin!