Friday, March 23, 2012

Diet Update

This is Mocha; he's my kitty :)

Oh hay! It's been far too long. I have been busy and I honestly forgot about this blog. That seems to happen to me a lot. Things have been pretty great. It seems that there is no end to the amount of procrastination that I can accomplish. I haven't touched my thesis since spring break, and I want to have a draft done by Sunday... we'll see how that goes. I'm sure it's going to be fine; I just find myself with a serious lack of motivation and a paralyzing fear when it comes to writing my thesis.

My diet is going well. I had a friend confront me a little bit about it, because I don't have the best track record with dieting (hint: eating disorder relapse every time). And she's right; in my last post, I did sound a little more disordered than I meant to. But I feel like I have things under control, and I know what to do if things get out of control. I have to admit that I was counting calories for a few days. I mean, really, it's hard not to. But I've stopped. And I'm not obsessed with it or anything. I have definitely had some slip-ups, in terms of not following the "rules" of the diet. But I am not upset about them. I am really trying to look at this as more of a lifestyle change than anything else. Normal, healthy people don't eat dessert with every meal, plus candy in between. Normal, healthy people don't lose control and binge on a weekly basis. I want to be a normal, healthy person. And I think that starts with realizing that my eating isn't healthy. The changes that I've made to my diet have been legitimately healthy changes: less fried food, no sugar (like candy and such), no snacking unless actually hungry, less alcohol consumption. And I think I'm doing okay with everything. I haven't had the urge to starve myself, or to binge and purge. I'm not doing anything unhealthy with the food that I'm eating. And I haven't been getting obsessive about my exercise. I was going to exercise every day, but that is unrealistic, I realized. And I accidentally injured myself this week, so I have had to take time off. And that's okay with me, because I care more about my health than my exercise regime. So on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely relapsed and 10 is completely healthy, I would say I'm at around a 7. And that's pretty good for me.

In terms of my graduate school decision... I am no closer to deciding where to attend than I was two weeks ago. Both schools that I'm looking at have their pluses and minuses, and I just don't know yet which one has more pluses. I'll keep you posted.

Weeeelll, that's about it, I guess. Everyone have a great weekend! <3

Monday, March 12, 2012


I have decided that I want to end my senior year of college on a healthy note. So I'm starting a healthy diet and exercise plan today. My friend and I are doing it together. Basically, we aren't eating sugar (like desserts and candy, which I shouldn't eat anyway because I gave up dessert for Lent) or fried food (like french fries), and trying to eat healthy stuff besides that. But nothing too crazy or restrictive, and NO COUNTING CALORIES. I have to admit, I am super tempted to count. But I'm not going to do it! I do NOT need a relapse right now. Or ever. I am super determined to stay in recovery.

As for the exercise, I am going to try to work out every day for 30 minutes. Maybe not Sunday. But again, I'm not going to stress out if I miss a day or can't do the full 30 minutes. I'm also going to make an effort to pace myself, so I don't injure myself or get crazy. I got a little obsessed with over-exercising during my last big relapse (March 2010), and I don't need that happening now either. I need to be healthy for grad school!

I have to admit though: I do want to lose weight. This isn't just for being healthy. I mean, I want to lose weight to be healthy. But I do want to lose weight. I want to lose 10 or 15 pounds before my sorority's formal on April 28th. It would be great if I could look hot in my dress! But either way, feeling healthier is the ultimate goal. And I'm not going to weigh myself all the time, I swear.

Sooo.... Peri gave me the idea to set some goals for this month! I like goals; they keep me motivated. So here they are:

  1. Stop eating candy/desserts, unless absolutely necessary (like in dire emotional situations, like a failed exam, lol). 
  2. Work out at least 3 times per week, but preferably every day.
  3. Stop drinking so much! Only drink (alcohol) once this month max, and don't get too crazy. 
  4. Finish a draft of my thesis by March 25th.
  5. Figure out which graduate school I am going to (but if this goal doesn't happen, it is not the end of the world, since I don't have to tell WashU until May 1st). 
That's it! I will update ya'll and tell you how everything is going. 
Have a great week!

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Hey! It's spring break! Yay! Except for the fact that it's Thursday and I haven't really done anything productive. I have mostly been a slug and watched a lot of TV. That's okay though. I worked on my thesis a little bit yesterday and today. I still have to write a stupid short story for creative writing. Why did I sign up for this class again?

I am officially off my medication! I did it a little fast, which wasn't perhaps the smartest idea ever. From 400 mg to zero in 17 days! I had minor side effects from withdrawal (dizziness, loss of focus, etc.) but nothing major. Today is day four without medication. I feel normal. Like actually normal. Like a real person. Not sad, not overly happy. Not depressed, not hypomanic. Isn't it sad that I think something is wrong when I'm not depressed? I have been depressed for so long that it freaks me out to be normal. It makes me feel out of whack, weird, off-balance. I mean, don't get me wrong; it's nice! I like wanting to be alive! I DO NOT miss wanting to die all the time! I really like being able to enjoy life! And it's for real this time. There is no antidepressant or mood stabilizer behind my good mood. It's all me, baby. Weird, right?

Other than my medication, things are going well. Well, mostly. I got my period today and it's making me feel like a blob of fat. So that sucks. I hit a high weight this morning, and freaked out a little. There is a certain weight that I refuse to go above. This isn't one of those eating disorder things. I am not a tiny waif who needs to gain weight so she won't die. I am honestly obese. You wouldn't know it to look at me; I just look overweight. But my BMI is in the obese range. And when I go over this particular weight, I am NOT okay with it. NOT OKAY. I wanted to purge today, but I didn't. Mostly because a) I had just finished telling a friend that purging wasn't worth it, and b) I didn't feel like going back down that road. I feel confident that with the help of my friends, I can stay on the recovery path throughout my period. I am always a bloated, cranky bitch during my period, and this month is no exception. I will survive though!

Have a wonderful week guys :) Also, you should all watch Demi Lovato's new documentary about her eating disorder, self-harm, etc. It is wonderful!