Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Weird Stuff

I had a weird dream two night ago, in which I decided I was going to restrict again. However, I felt guilty so I tried to eat, but then felt guiltier about eating. I ended up purging and hating myself for going back on my word (to not relapse). It was a really odd dream, and it was so vivid that I woke up and thought it had really occurred.

I'm glad that my dream didn't really happen, because I don't want to go back to restricting. Let's face it: I like food and eating too much. That's one of the other reasons I always wanted to be seen as anorexic rather than bulimic; being anorexic meant that I had control over my desires, while being bulimic meant that I was a pig who gorged herself and then puked. I think that if I hadn't hit a few speed bumps, I could have actually gone all the way into anorexia and just skipped the bulimia. But now, I'm actually kind of glad that I was stuck with bulimia, because it's less damaging to your body. With anorexia, you end up with long-term health problems even if you recover, but with bulimia you might not have as many problems if you catch it early.

I can feel myself going into the recovery stage of my ED again, but it's not full recovery yet. This happened last time I was in recovery as well, during my junior and senior years of high school. During my senior year of high school, I gained 40 pounds because I was just trying to eat and not worry about it. I'm really afraid that will happen again. Right now, I'm at the weight I was at the beginning of senior year, and I really don't want to go back to where I was at the end of senior year. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but it makes me really nervous. I just want to skip the eat-everything-in-sight stage and go straight to the normal-healthy-eating stage. Is that possible?

Another odd thing I've noticed recently is that I still see myself as the same as I was at my highest weight. Even though I'm around 185 pounds right now (I don't know for sure, I haven't weighed myself in two weeks), I still think I look the same as I did when I was 220 pounds. My body perception is really skewed. I wish  I could see myself as I am now, because I'm sure I look a lot better than I did.

Well, that's all for now chickies. Love you all! Stay strong <3


  1. Half recovery is better than no recovery! Just stay strong, and take it slow.

  2. here check this program out it may help

  3. Love you! I'm glad you're taking one step at a time. It's all about patience :)

  4. Hey! I'm glad to hear that you'll still continue to read my blog :) And that would be great if you could not post my last comment, since it has my email and all. Don't need any crazies emailing me or anything! LOL

    It sounds like you have a healthy perception of everything right now, and I think that's all you need to be successful in this. You seem like you are concentrating on eating when hungry, and stopping when not. If you follow that logic, there is no way that you will go back to your weight at the end of senior year. Take things one day at a time. xoxo

  5. You're done it before, you can do it again. You know what will happen, so you can halt the expansion. Turning into an endlessly munching chowderbeast IS NOT INEVITABLE!

    I'm crossing my fingers for you :) Dralion is smiling in her sleep so I think the pats are getting through via kitty-net ^.^

    Love you! oxoxox!