Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I'm glad that my dream didn't really happen, because I don't want to go back to restricting. Let's face it: I like food and eating too much. That's one of the other reasons I always wanted to be seen as anorexic rather than bulimic; being anorexic meant that I had control over my desires, while being bulimic meant that I was a pig who gorged herself and then puked. I think that if I hadn't hit a few speed bumps, I could have actually gone all the way into anorexia and just skipped the bulimia. But now, I'm actually kind of glad that I was stuck with bulimia, because it's less damaging to your body. With anorexia, you end up with long-term health problems even if you recover, but with bulimia you might not have as many problems if you catch it early.
I can feel myself going into the recovery stage of my ED again, but it's not full recovery yet. This happened last time I was in recovery as well, during my junior and senior years of high school. During my senior year of high school, I gained 40 pounds because I was just trying to eat and not worry about it. I'm really afraid that will happen again. Right now, I'm at the weight I was at the beginning of senior year, and I really don't want to go back to where I was at the end of senior year. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but it makes me really nervous. I just want to skip the eat-everything-in-sight stage and go straight to the normal-healthy-eating stage. Is that possible?
Another odd thing I've noticed recently is that I still see myself as the same as I was at my highest weight. Even though I'm around 185 pounds right now (I don't know for sure, I haven't weighed myself in two weeks), I still think I look the same as I did when I was 220 pounds. My body perception is really skewed. I wish I could see myself as I am now, because I'm sure I look a lot better than I did.
Well, that's all for now chickies. Love you all! Stay strong <3