Monday, December 13, 2010

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

This is something I got in the hospital, and I love it. It's by Portia Nelson.

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever  to find a way out. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still take a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. 
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately. 

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

This describes eating disorders to a T. My depression and my self-injury are just like this. I like to pretend that I don't think they're a problem, but I'm just ignoring the problem. I actually have to walk AROUND the hole (my problems) and do something differently to solve them. I have to call a friend instead of cutting again. I have to go to the hospital instead of crying myself to sleep, holding a bottle of Tylenol. I have to face my rapist instead of ignoring the issues I'm having.

Speaking of that last point...
I was raped.
December 3rd.
I was drunk.
She was attractive.
She was supposed to be taking me home and putting me to bed.
Instead we had sex.
I didn't consent. I was FAR too drunk to be capable of consent. 
I wouldn't have consented if I'd been sober.
I woke up naked, wet, and completely confused.
I remember nothing.
I reported the incident to my school, after I found out what really happened.
I am still waiting to find out what happens to her. 
I should know tomorrow.
I hate her so much.
I can't sleep.
I have no appetite.
I am afraid to leave my room.
I have panic attacks.
I have lost many friends (the ones who are siding with her).
I just want to go home.

But this time, unlike last time, I reported it. I didn't ignore it and pretend that it didn't happen for four years. I faced it. YES! That's the victory in all of this.


  1. I like the Portia Nelson thing. Sorry to hear that happened to you, but it is great that you reported it & I hope that you find some peace in dealing with it, through your own way or some sort of justice concerning her.

  2. Wow. That takes a lot of courage to do what you did and report it. Especially because it sounds like you and the girl might have mutual friends? I commend you for doing the right thing. I hope that your feelings of anxiety and panic begin to subside. xoxo

  3. im glad you face your problems, and get better soon. :/