It's official- I'm single

It's really weird too. I haven't been single in two years. Yesterday, also our two year anniversary, I broke up with him. I told him that we were clearly in different places in our lives (I want a long-term relationship and he's just not ready) and that it wasn't good for either of us. I said that I thought I was putting a lot more work into the relationship that he was, and that wasn't fair for me. He agreed, and said he was sorry for not trying harder. He also said that he finally realizes that he needs to stop talking to Sara so much (his 14 year-old friend), because this could be a problem with future partners too. DUH. But I'm glad he finally realizes it. I think this break-up is a wake up call for him. He thought he would have me for as long as he wanted, but that wasn't true. He thought he could just coast and let me do all the work, but that's not true either. I'm really glad I finally came to my senses and did what was right for me.

I just remember that I was considering breaking up with him in June (see this post) for the exact same reasons. But I didn't do it because I had a summer job with his parents, I loved him, etc.
I am just glad it's over. Sunday and Monday were really horrible because I put all of his stuff in the corner of my room and then I just kept looking at it and feeling guilty. But I made a list of why I should break up with him (I love lists, they help me a lot). Here it is:

-         I have changed a ton over the last two years, and he hasn’t

o       How I’ve changed:

§         I am better able to manage my anger.

§         I am better at communicating my feelings, even in the heat of the moment.

§         I have become more of an adult.

§         I have accepted that I have some issues that I need to work on, and have actually worked on them.

o       How he hasn’t:

§         When I ask him to work on something, he generally doesn’t do it.

§         The only thing that has improved in the last two years is communication, and that’s only marginally better.

-         He feels like he can’t communicate with me

o       I feel like a partner should be able to tell their partner everything, but he can’t do that. He tells Sara more things than he tells me, and that hurts me.

-         He thinks I’m bossy and order him around, even when I don’t

o       For example, when I invited him to Oregon with me to visit my parents, I said that I would love for him to come. He took that as an order, and later blamed me for making his parents spend all that money, when he really just didn't want to go. Then I felt really guilty for a long time, which was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault.

o       I am constantly monitoring and modifying my behavior to make sure that he doesn’t feel ordered around. He doesn’t do anything to modify his behavior on this issue.

-         Sara

o       Although I don’t want him to not have friends, I also feel really uncomfortable with him hanging out with a 14 year-old who is basically in love with him. I don’t trust him to not break up with me later because he wants to be with her (especially since he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me in graduate school and that he might want to be with her eventually).

I feel like these are all really good reasons to break up with someone, so I definitely did the right thing. It started because of Sara, but now I realize that there are a lot more problems than just her. However, I don't regret dating him, even though it sucks right now. I wouldn't pick anyone else to be my first love or to lose my virginity to. He was the best boyfriend I have ever had, but we just aren't right for each other in the long run. But it was great while it lasted :)

I'm doing alright, although I've been having little mini breakdowns every day. Yesterday I had to skip work because I had a breakdown at breakfast and had to be comforted by my friend for an hour. Today I had another freakout during breakfast (Although this time it was because he came over and was angry at me for talking to his parents last night, even though they called me!! What was I supposed to do??), but I made it to class and was ok. I'm just really exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I wish this were the summer, because I have way too much homework to be dealing with this right now! Arg! I just hope I start to feel better soon.

I love you guys. I really appreciate all your advice, and I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy! Stay strong everyone <3