Sunday, June 6, 2010

Need to be 175

I will not be posting again until I am 175 pounds. I need this. I can't keep fucking up like this!
My boyfriend is leaving on Saturday, so I can finally start restricting like I want to. I will update you again when I am 175.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I found a poem on his computer about me this morning. It was from January, and it was about how much I annoyed him (basically) and how he couldn't wait to see his friend Sara again because she didn't pester him. I confronted him about it, despite the fact that I shouldn't have been snooping around on his computer in the first place. He said, rightfully, that those were feelings that he had briefly at that time, but now he didn't feel that way anymore.
I asked him where he saw this relationship going. He said that he wasn't sure what would happen when he studied abroad in Japan in the spring, and that it could change our relationship, so he wasn't sure. Fuck me. We've been in a relationship for almost two years... how can he not see us together in a year? Like, what? Am I wasting my time?

On the drive back from the cabin this afternoon, I went over the pros and cons of our relationship in my head.
- I love him.
- I love being with him.
- I like his parents.
- He makes me feel special, beautiful, loved, safe.

- He is practically in love with his 14-year-old friend Sara. Will he cheat in the future?
- I feel like I'm always working really hard to make him happy, but I'm always apologizing for my behavior towards him. It's never good enough (this isn't necessarily his fault, because I just have an anger problem that I am constantly working on).
- He can't carry on a conversation very well- who do I talk to??

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know if staying together is the best thing for both of us. It's stressful for me to be with him because he makes me crazy and I have to not yell at him. It's stressful for him to be with me because I am crazy and yell at him. I am also not mentally sound (obviously, with this ED and my depression, not to mention my possible anxiety disorder...), so is it best for me to be in a serious relationship right now?

I want to be with him. But I don't want to hurt him or me. I love him, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But he doesn't see that... maybe it's because he's a man, and he just can see that far. Maybe it's because we aren't meant to be together. I don't know... I think I'll ride out the summer, and possibly the fall semester of the school year, and then see what happens.

Part of me wonders what it would be like to be single again... I could get drunk on the weekends and go out dancing and hook up with people. I've never had the urge to do that until the end of last semester. I could live alone (he lives with me at school), eat what and when I wanted, do what I want when I want to do it. I wouldn't have to put up with his friends (not that they are that bad, but I don't really like them).

This post is so all over the place. Sorry. I'll post again when I'm 175. Bye :)


  1. Good luck, I hope you reach your goal & return soon!

  2. fucking men just mess with our minds.

    put your energy into getting to 175! You can do it :)

  3. Yargh, sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I'm quite rubbish, i know. I just haven't really been er, functioning like normal social human being recently. Thanks for your comment though, twas awesome to know conclusively that someone else is in a similar boat to me. Sigh, my BF is so nice about it as well, and it's not that i don't want to, i just cant stop being paralysed by self loathing long enough to relax. It's so fucking frustrating.

    Bah, trying to coordinate eating disorders and boyfriends is so complex. Though i will give him the credit for being honest enough to tell you that he wasn't sure how your relationship would survive his year in Japan, rather than pretending everything is fine then potentially dumping you via long-distance phonecall. An ex of mine did something similar - after a fight, he claimed everything was fine, then dumped me three days later.

    *hugs* Looking forwards to when you come back :)


  4. I agree that you should wait out the summer and maybe the fall... it might give you a new perspective... I hope you reach 175 soon... I miss you already lol

  5. I completely get the urge for singledom. Often, men take up too much mind, money, emotions, etc

    Better of using that on something else.

    Good luck on the 175