Thursday, September 30, 2010
Having a little trouble
1) How was I supposed to know that they had a history?
2) I was really drunk and don't really remember most of it.
3) I wasn't the only individual involved - Joe was also there.
4) I wasn't aware that I had a received an invitation to join their group. I thought we were just hanging out.
5) Tess seemed fine with it (we were all hanging out beforehand), and she didn't say anything to stop us.
I feel like I didn't really do anything wrong. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have done it. But I did, and I can't change that. And I didn't know it would become a problem.
Anyway, this whole drama-fest plus mountains of schoolwork have led to me struggling. I almost had a relapse this morning. I planned last night that I wasn't going to eat today, so I didn't eat breakfast. But around 10 am, I was STARVING, and I realized that I can't do this anymore. I am not happy when I'm starving, and I'm not a nice person to be around. I'd rather be liked the way I am than be skinny and alone. So I got breakfast and ate it. I am also going to eat lunch and dinner.
I also started cutting again. I know, bad Liz. But sometimes you just need it. I didn't want to start again, but the urges were really strong. On Tuesday night, I really wanted to (and hadn't yet), so I texted Tess. She had told me previously to text her whenever I was struggling with that. She came right over and helped me through it. What really hurt me, though, was that she thought that I was lying about it, just to get her to come over. Really? When she said that, I told her to get the hell out of my room. But she came to her senses and stole all my sharp objects, and talked to me. However, she also told me that if she ever finds a cut on me (that I made myself), she would cut herself and it would be like I was cutting her. Way to guilt trip me! This means that I have to be really careful, because that sounds like a horrible experience. So I cut on my ankle, below my sock line, so that if she checks me then she hopefully won't find it. But let me tell you, I really miss doing my wrists and arms. I kind of wish I hadn't told her.
Well, lunch is calling my name. I hope you ladies are doing better than me :) Stay strong!