Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?
I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.
Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm
These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!
So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.
Love you guys :)
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Grad school has been crazy. The semester is ending and I only have one more final exam before I'm FREEEE :) Then my summer classes start in a month, haha. But it will be nice to have a month without classes, although I'm still doing my internship and working. This summer, I am taking Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Treatment of Mental Disorders, and another class. The other class will be either Motivational Interviewing or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. But I haven't decided yet, so TBD.
My internship is still awesome. I love every minute of it. Sometimes, though, it makes me sad. These kids come into my office and are so young, and yet have so many issues already. It breaks my heart to hospitalize 5 year olds. And the teenagers are the saddest for me, especially the ones who self-injure and are suicidal. I got a really sad 14 year old girl last week, depressed and cutting her stomach every day. Usually, I can handle stuff like that. But to hear this beautiful girl tell me that she cuts herself because she feels ugly and wants her outside to match her inside... that was heartbreaking. Poor kid. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this profession. I hope that I am. I really hope that I can do this.
The depression has been getting better. We've been upping my dose of Wellbutrin steadily for the past two months, so I'm at 200 mg right now. The physical symptoms have been getting better (concentration, sleep, fatigue), and the mental symptoms are starting to improve. I spend less time being miserable and suicidal, and more time being able to function. I have happy days. So things are good. I did cut myself several times, but that was over a month ago, and it wasn't too bad.
Overall, I'm optimistic. Life is difficult, but this will pass. I am just looking forward to Wednesday night, when my final exam is over and I'm finally done with my first year of graduate school. YAY! It's going to be awesome.
Love you guys :) Thanks for sticking with me.