Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Halloween is soon!

Hello! It's been exactly a week since I posted. Good news: I have been feeling a bit better and not cutting. Yay! Fall break got to me, I guess. Graduate school applications are still weighing down on me, but I'm not working on them every day, so I think that helps me to not get so overwhelmed.

Since I last posted... I got my personal statement for Washington University School of Social Work done, at least a good draft. Now I just have to translate and squish it into three other applications and answer their random questions too. But it's a good start. My plan is to work on that some tonight. Homework... it seems to be easing up a bit, although I'm sure that will change very soon. Right now I feel less stressed out than usual.

I am super tired all the time, so I started taking a multivitamin. We'll see if that helps. I just started today! Hopefully if I take it most of the time (I will forget, it's only natural), then it will be good for me. I'm definitely vitamin/mineral deficient in some ways. I am also trying to be a bit healthier with my eating and not eat so much junk. Maybe cut back on the diet soda and drink more herbal tea as a substitute. And stop eating so much dessert (especially when I'm not hungry or don't like it much, but eat it anyway). Yay healthy eating! Let's see how long this lasts...

It's Halloween this weekend! My sorority is playing this drinking game called golf on Saturday night. I've done this many times before, and it generally ends in disaster and me being ridiculously drunk. You have 8 or 10 "holes" which are in different people's room, and there is a different drink in each hole. Generally people do a hole in pairs or groups. For example, if I did a hole, I would have a partner and we would make jello shots. People would come and drink/eat the shots, and the depart to the next hole. It gets you drunk suuuuper fast. So I've enlisted a buddy. I asked a sub-free friend to check in on me in the middle of the event to see how drunk I am. My plan is to only drink a little bit at each hole, but we know how well that works... so if I'm too drunk, she can come rescue me.  The theme is Halloween, of course, and I am going to be a present. As in, I bought a bow (like for a birthday present) at Walmart and I am going to put it on my head. Classy, I know :)

Ok, I should really get some work done. Ya'll are awesome for reading my boring ramblings! Love ya <3

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hello! I'm sorry it's been so long... almost two weeks. I've been avoiding blogging, partially because of so much freaking homework and partially because of shame. Sometimes I feel like I can't write on here because there are so many people in real life who read it now. Don't get me wrong: I like having people read this. I love that I don't even have to say anything, because the people in my life already know what's going on. Especially since I NEVER see anyone anymore. I only see people if they are a) eating a meal with me, or b) doing homework with me. SAD. But sometimes I feel like if I post something bad, I will get a flurry of phone calls and texts as soon as people read it. It's a catch 22.

So here's the scoop: I've been cutting again. Oops. I don't even remember why I started. It was probably about a week and a half ago, maybe slightly less. And I've been cutting a lot, pretty much every day. I haven't cut in a few days now though :) I think a lot of it is stress. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. Homework, graduate school stuff, sorority stuff, thesis stuff. I think I'm just psyching myself out too. I get freaked out, I start thinking I can't do it, I start beating myself up because I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right, I'm a failure, no one loves me (not true, I know), I suck at life. Rational me realizes that most of this is false, but in-the-moment me thinks it's all true.

The other day, a friend today me that I had betrayed her confidence. I didn't even remember what she was talking about, because it was a long time ago, but it hurt me so much that I had hurt her. I hated myself. I still hate myself for that. I need to not talk about other people. It's a bad habit and I need to stop. But that whole situation was triggering too...

Ok, this is depressing. Sorry! Happy things: It's fall break right now, which is awesome! I have been sleeping in till 11 am every day. On Sunday, my best friend and I watched Castle (a TV show) all day and didn't do any homework. Today I worked on my graduate school applications and personal statement. Uggg. It sucked, but I have a page! That's better than this morning, so that's a victory right there. Tomorrow I should make more progress and I will have it finished by the end of the week. Yay! After break, things will speed up again, and I will get super stressed out/not sleeping much again. I hope this week is a good break, because crazy is coming back soon...

Well, I'm wiped out. I'm going to sleep :) Love you all!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Hey :) I'm doing quite a bit better than my last post. I continued to not sleep last week, and part of this week (oops...). But tonight, I will sleep some! I am back home from the Psych Ward (aka the psychology lounge) and it's before 1 am!! That's pretty amazing, let me tell you. Now that my thesis research is done and I've moved on to the methods and such, things are getting a lot easier. But I don't want to get cocky: things could get a lot harder tomorrow. I still have hard classes, and things are about to get a little tougher because midterms are next week... I think I have two. Ew.

Other than school.... oh wait, there is nothing else. Just kidding! Here's something else incredible: I have stopped taking pain medication. Some background: I have chronic Achilles tendonitis, which causes me to be in pain all day, every day. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. Walking sucks. Sitting sometimes sucks. Standing really sucks. So I take a lot of ibuprofen. I also get headaches every day. And because of these two combined pain factors, I take A LOT of pain medication. I usually take at least 4 ibuprofen per day, and if that doesn't work for my headache, I will take Excedrin or something else. I am the queen of pain medication. I have a stash on me at all times. I also get migraines, but that's not as related to this.

Something to note: NSAIDs are super bad for you in large quantities. They can damage your liver, give you ulcers, and KILL YOU. BADDDDDD.

So the point is that I am basically dependent on NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs). And when you take NSAIDs like ibuprofen for headaches at least once daily for years, you get these things called rebound headaches. It's kind of like caffeine withdrawal. The original cause of the headache is no longer present, and eventually you are just treating the ibuprofen withdrawal headache. I know that I have these, but it's scary going off all pain medications! Well, NSAIDs. But I decided that enough is enough. I have to take care of myself for once! So I stopped taking them five days ago... and all hell broke loose. Day 1 wasn't too good, but I could handle it. Regular headache. Days 2 and 3: migraines almost all day, both days. Around 2 or 3 pm on both days, it hit me like a truck. I got almost no homework done this weekend. BUT... after day 3, nothing bad! On day 4, I had a small headache but it went away (which NEVER happens- I have to take pain meds to make headaches go away EVERY TIME). And today was day 5: NO HEADACHE AT ALL. WHAAAAAAT??!!? So weird! I am not used to not hurting. Of course, my Achilles tendons hurt, but whatever. They always hurt.

So that's great! It's nice to be free from pain meds, or at least almost free. I don't know if the migraines will pop back up later this week. Taking migraine medication is fine though, because it's not an NSAID. But yah, that's pretty much it. I got ridiculously drunk the weekend before last... don't remember much. I also drank last weekend, but it was controlled-ish. My friend got suuuuper sick, so that sobered me up pretty quick.

I don't know what else! Love you all <3