Blahdeblahdeblah

(I took this picture in my friend's car. Pretty great, right?)

Again, sorry for the long hiatus. I can't seem to blog regularly, can I?

Picking up where I left off in my last post! I did end up quitting my last therapist. Ugg. So that's three therapists that I've tried and failed to click with. (Not including the two that I saw at Student Health! Am I missing something here?). But on a whim, (and with some encouragement from my psychiatrist and some friends), I started seeing another therapist. I was very skeptical of her, because she is part of a Christian counseling agency, which is based out of a church. The church is relatively conservative, and I was worried that I might be judged for my sexual orientation. But so far, things are good. I think I've seen her three or four times, and I really, really like her. Last week, she had me make a timeline of my life. Which was ridiculously intense but also very interesting. So we've been exploring that. I'm hopeful that this therapist will actually help me!

Changing the subject. So you guys know that I have migraines. Or you do now. Since starting the Wellbutrin in March, they have been getting more frequent, and I'm having about 2 per week now. Which is really annoying. I have a prescription for Imitrex, which stops them once they start. And I can usually catch them before they get too bad. But still, annoying. So I was at Student Health anyway and I asked my doctor if we could do anything to prevent my migraines. I remembered that when I was taking Lamictal in 2010/2011 for mood stabilization, that my migraines totally disappeared. Well, for some reason, he decided that Lamictal wasn't the right drug (even though it had worked in the past... so okay...) and he decided to start me on Topamax.
He didn't warn me about any side effects, and I figured that if anything was dangerous or scary, he would tell me. WRONG. The six days that I was taking Topamax, and the 5 days that it took to get it out of my system, were the worst days of my life. Seriously. Here are the side effects that I experienced (all of which are relatively common):

• Fatigue (actually, constant exhaustion, no matter how much sleep I got)
• Upset stomach, nausea, loss of appetite (resulting in me stopping eating for about a week; I'm just now eating again)
• Weight loss (I lost a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time, without trying)
• Taste changes (soda tasted like ass)
• Feeling of pins and needles in my fingertips
• Dry eyes
• Extreme thirst (I am drinking SO MUCH WATER)
• Slowed motor functioning/reaction time (which made driving a little scary)
• Cognitive and memory impairments (forgetting words, forgetting how to spell, not being able to remember a sentence long enough to write it down, feeling stupid all the time)
• Decreased attention span (aka Liz had temporary ADD)
• Anxiety and panic attacks
• Generally feeling like I was losing my mind

I have never felt so terrible in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. I felt so unlike myself. It was like I was a totally different person for 1.5 weeks! Awful. Never take this drug, if you can avoid it. It is used for migraines, seizures, and mood stabilization. 

Other than that, things are okay. Life chugs on. I finished summer classes last week, and I start my fall classes on August 27th. Yay. I am so tired of school. 

I'll try to write more later. I worked 11 hours today and I have to work again at 8am tomorrow, so I should probably sleep. Love you all! 

Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy

WARNING: This post is being written on the worst day of my period (aka the day that I go crazy and emotional everywhere). Beware. This could get ugly and does not represent my normal headspace.

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?

I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm

These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!

So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.

Love you guys :)

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Hello all, sorry for being MIA for a month and a half. Life happens, you know?

About the last post: the group did end up coming to a decision, and half of the leaders (the ones who think that homosexuals shouldn't be in leadership) stepped down. The other half, including me, are the new leadership team and our group is now officially open and affirming to the LGBT community. We'll see how that goes.

The shitty part is that the whole process led to depression for me. It started as simple depression related to discrimination, but it didn't go away. So now I've been officially depressed for about 1.5 or 2 months. And it's probably the worst depression that I've ever had. It's terrible. Like, I've been depressed before, but nothing like this. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't care about school or work or life. I don't want to eat, which is new for me. I want to sleep all the time. Blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

It's gotten to the point where I just can't wait anymore. I don't have time to be depressed, because I'm in grad school! I have shit to do! Plus I'm doing an internship at a hospital, so I can't be depressed. It's weird for me to assess patients for depression and suicidal ideation, when I'm experiencing the same things.

As a result, I went to a psychiatrist about a week ago, and she prescribed Wellbutrin. I started taking it 5 days ago, but nothing has happened so far. Because of the bad reaction that I had to Lexapro (back in 2010), she started me on 1/3 of the regular dose, to hopefully avoid any negative side effects or hypomania. So far, no side effects, which I appreciate. But it will take 2-6 weeks for the full effects to kick in. I think she will probably raise the dose when I see her in a week. We'll see how that goes... I'll try to keep you updated.

I have been trying to stay positive. I got a gym membership for Christmas, and I've been going 2-4 times per week. Supposedly, exercise helps depression. I'm not feeling it, but maybe it will come. I have been trying not to isolate myself from people, but that's hard. I have also been battling with urges to cut myself. So far, no cutting. And I have pretty high confidence in my abilities to resist. So that's good.

Other than that, nothing much is new. School sucks. I hate my classes. I hate most of my professors. The only thing that I like is my internship. But that's a little weird, since my job is to assess people for suicidal ideation and other mental illness, and I am currently experiencing a mental illness myself. Of course, my supervisor and coworkers don't know that I'm depressed. But it's still a bit weird for me. However, I do love it. I've seen so many interesting people and so many disorders already. I assessed a person with trichotillomania on Thursday! I never thought I'd see that disorder in real life. So interesting :)

Have a good week everyone <3>

So sick and tired.

I am so tired of all of this stuff. Can I please, dear God please, just be who I am and not be hated?

Let me start over. I am part of a Christian group at my grad school. In case you didn't know, I am a strong Christian and it is an extremely important part of my life. I am also gay. I like girls, and very occasionally boys. But since it is very rare that I will like a boy (as more than a friend), I find it easier to say that I'm gay. Plus people seem to hate bisexuals, but that's another story.

This Christian group that I'm part of, called JSJ, is currently embroiled in a discussion about its beliefs about homosexuality. We are semi-affiliated with an organization called Intervarsity, which does not allow homosexuals to be in leadership. But we are fully affiliated with our school, which is a school of social work, which does not allow its groups to discriminate against people because of their sexuality. Therefore, we are being forced to take a stance on homosexuality, and either affiliate with our school or with Intervarsity.

As the only homosexual member of the JSJ leadership team, this issue affects me personally. And I am freaking sick of it. Can't I just be who I am, and be a normal member of society, and not have to think about all of this? I hate it when controversy centers around me. This is horrible.

I can't really blame people for their beliefs. About two months ago, I believed that homosexuality was sinful as well, and I was trying to "repent of my sin." But I just couldn't do it, and I didn't think it was healthy or right for me. Obviously, I also have evidence from the Bible and other Christian theologians that suggests that I am not sinning by being gay. I don't take this decision lightly. So now I am trying to accept myself for who I am, but this is extremely difficult, since other people don't accept me. And NO, I am not going to stop being a Christian or believing in God, simply because some people aren't accepting of me. So don't even try that one on me. I just wanted to express my frustration with the whole thing, in this safe format.

So that's it. That's my main thing right now. I have also just started my second semester of grad school, which adds another layer of stress to my life.

Love you guys. Take care <3>

Foooood stuffs

Hello! I am sorry that it's been so long; grad school got crazy and there was very little sleeping, let alone blogging.  But I am finally on break, at my parents' house, and relaxing. And I figured it was time for an update.

About my last post, about social services: Everything got fixed! A few days after I posted my enraged post about the idiotic system, I got more mail from Social Services. The last one that I got explained everything. Basically, they have an electronic system that sends out mail automatically. When it doesn't receive the authorization that it needs, it sends you mail, even if it's not your fault. I finally got a letter approving me for $200 of benefits per month, which is awesome. After three months, they are going to check up on me and make sure that that is an appropriate amount. Thank goodness that's over!

So, I'm at my parents' house. I am making a conscious effort to call it 'my parents' house' instead of 'home', because it is not my home anymore. I live in Missouri, not Oregon. I will live there for two years, only coming to Oregon for Christmas and other random times. And I don't want my parents' house to be my house! I want to be independent, not strapped to them. Unfortunately, I am still relying on them for lots of funding and support, which kinda sucks. But soon, I will be able to have a real live job and make real live money that is alllll miiiiiine, muahahaha.

Speaking of my parents' house, it is always challenging to be here. Especially with food stuff. My mother is incredibly controlling about food, with herself and with others. I didn't notice that she controlled other people (well, besides me) until this week. Normally, I am so focused on how she is controlling toward my food intake, that I have failed to notice that she controls my dad too. For example, last night, we went to dinner at this nice Lebanese place, before going to see the Nutcracker. My dad ordered a Gyro sandwich, but then also ate a whole bunch of my food and my mom's food. (This was fine with me, because I had the stomach flu on Tuesday and wasn't feeling well enough to eat very much on Wednesday night at dinner, so he was welcome to my food). But my mom was piiiiissssed. She got all up in his face about it, and accused him of being selfish and eating all of her food and then his food. It was completely ridiculous. My dad is a hungry guy. He doesn't eat very good lunches sometimes, so by the time dinner comes, he is hungry. And he's a big guy, so he isn't going to eat the same amount as my mother, who is average sized. The amount of shaming that was happening was outrageous, but I couldn't say anything, because she would have gotten angry at me too. (Of course, I did numerous things to make her angry that night anyway, so whatever...). The whole thing made me realize a) how concerned my mother is about appearances, b) how concerned she is about food consumption, and c) how she needs to be in control at all times. I am amazing that she doesn't have a full-blown eating disorder. It's no wonder that I have eating issues...

I just can't wait to go back home, to Missouri. Please God, take me home! I want my friends and my own bed and my apartment and all of my stuff back. January can't come soon enough!

Here, have some pictures of my apartment :)

 This is my messy, messy bedroom ;)

 The other side of my bedroom with my dresser and cute shelves.

My kitchen!

My living room :)

I HATE SOCIAL SERVICES

I am so freaking fed up with the Social Services people here. Let me start at the beginning, and you can share in the immense frustration that I am feeling right now.

I applied for food stamps about a month and a half ago. For those of you who don't know, food stamps are government assistance to help you buy food. You apply for benefits, and if you qualify (i.e. you are poor enough and other random-ass qualifications are met), they give you free money for groceries. I applied and never heard back... until I got a random letter in the mail saying that I had missed my scheduled interview and was required to interview with them by November 9th or lose my eligibility. And I was like, "Um, I never scheduled an interview, so how could I have possibly missed it?" I called my case worker, but she was unreachable and I kept getting redirected to other phone lines. So I finally went down to the office, which was a pain in the butt and took three hours total. I interviewed with another woman (not my case worker), who took all of my income verification and other stuff, and told me that I would qualify. She asked me to mail my last few pay stubs to them, to verify that my income was steady. She wanted pay stubs from September and October. When I arrived home, I realized that I didn't have any pay stubs from September, because I was unemployed then. So I mailed the other pay stubs to my case worker, with a note saying that I didn't have any from September.

Then about a week ago, I got a letter with my brand new EBT (food stamps) card and my pin number, and found out that I had been approved for $140 per month of benefits. Yay! I was so excited! Grocery shopping has never been more fun!

But THEN I got this ridiculous letter in the mail from Social Services yesterday saying:
"Based on information reported to us, your food stamps benefits have been closed effective 11/30/12 because: requested verification was not provided."
What the fuck.
What fucking verification did you request?
I don't know what they want from me! I just want my freaking free money! And because the office is virtually unreachable by phone, I would have to go back down there again, to sort this all out. I don't have time for this! I don't have transportation! This is such bullshit.

I am annoyed in general, because this is a waste of my time, but I am also annoyed at the system. Think about this: what if I was not a student of social work, but a single mother working three jobs to stay afloat? Would I have time to go down to the social services office twice, missing almost a whole day of work, to get these food stamps benefits? I think not. This is so messed up; the people who these food stamps should be benefiting are unable to get them, because of how screwed up the system is! This is unbelievable.

GRR.

Update

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in forever! It has been crazy busy over here, and I just haven't had time. I barely have time to sleep, let alone blog.

Things are fine. I had my meeting with the school counselor lady, who is also my academic adviser. She was pretty much completely useless. I was hoping that she could help me get a sooner counseling appointment, but she couldn't even do that. The meeting was literally 5 minutes long, and she asked me maybe three questions (Are you safe? Do you have plans to see a counselor? Is there anything that I can do for you?). Dumbest meeting ever. Part of me is glad that she didn't pry, and part of me is pissed off. If this were my friend who was suicidal, I would want this lady to ask her more questions and actually be helpful. But since it's me who was suicidal, I am grateful that she didn't get up in my business. I wouldn't have told her anything anyway.

My professor and teaching assistant have been fine too. My professor is acting like she doesn't know, which is great, because I was worried that she would treat me differently. I talked to my TA about it yesterday, and he assured me that he didn't think of me differently. He has been treating me the same too, so that's been nice. As for my friends, I am still pissed at them. I will probably never trust them again. Actually I will probably never trust anyone ever again, but whatever. I am being civil to my friends and pretending that it didn't happen, and that's working for me right now.

I haven't been suicidal since I told my friends about it. That night, they actually came to my apartment with me and took away my pills (that I had bought specifically for killing myself). And not having access to my means of suicide anymore relieved a lot of the pressure. I think that having the pills there in my room was freaking me out, and it made it more real. I felt like I needed to continue with my plan, because I had that crucial piece figured out. And the more I continued with the plan, the scarier it got, and the closer I came to actually doing it. So having the pills gone is great, and I have felt normal since then.

Other than that, life chugs on. School is crazy busy and I am really excited for the semester to be over soon-ish. I seriously need a break.

Ya'll are awesome. Keep being cool :)

Grad School, OMG

So sorry about the long delay between posts! I would say that I will post more often... but I'm afraid that it's not true. I am starting graduate school classes tomorrow, and I feel like I will be more busy and have less time for blogging than before. LAME SAUCE. I'm in a weird mood, sorry.

So grad school! I finished up my summer job about two weeks ago, THANK GOODNESS. I was going a little crazy with the children and my supervisor. He was not the most fun person to work with, let me tell you. I am so glad that it's over, and that I will probably not have to do that job ever again, YAY! And then last week, I moved to St. Louis, Missouri! It was a little crazy and I had to do a lot of stuff in a short period of time, but I made it. My apartment is AMAZING. It's really cute and way bigger than I expected and awesome! I love my room and all my new furniture. I officially own a couch, a smaller couch chair thing, a bed, and various drawers and shelves. I have been cooking for myself and have officially cooked spaghetti and beans and rice. And they both tasted good! Amazing, haha. Not having a car has been an adventure, but my school provides a free bus/metro pass, which I have been using TONS. I took the bus to school today and then to Walgreens to get more allergy medication. And yesterday I took the bus to the grocery store and to a pizza place that was a few miles away. It is suuuper hot and humid here, and I am grateful for the air conditioned bus and not having to walk tons.

So classes start tomorrow, and I have Research Methods and Social Welfare Policies and Services. Sounds exciting, right? I think Tuesdays will be the most boring days. But I am excited to start classes and get a taste of grad school (orientation doesn't count).

Food stuff... is going okay. I didn't bring my scale, which I kind of regret. I have no idea what weight I am at. I know that I have been eating much healthier since I got here, mostly because I have no access to junk food. Going to the grocery store is too difficult to do every time I want chocolate. And when I do go to the grocery store, I purposely avoid buying candy and sugary things. So far, so good. But I am worried for when I get stressed... that's usually when I binge or eat lots of sugar.

I will update more later. I am sooo tired today! I love you all. I am sorry for neglecting you :(

Blarggggggggg

This is Meg <3

Sorry for not posting for such a long time; I think time just gets away from me, and I forget how long it's been. Lots of things have happened in the last month and a half. But I will talk about the following: 1) my job, 2) my school stuff, and 3) my food stuff.

My job. I started working five weeks ago, and it feels like FOREVER. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But sometimes, it is just extremely exhausting and I can get burnt out quickly. This is why I don't want to work with kids full-time or for my real job. I can't handle them except for in small doses, and 30 hours/week is waaay more than small doses. I only have four weeks left, but I really wish it were less than that. I will be really excited to stop working and start school.

School stuff. I leave for St. Louis on August 17th, and it can't come fast enough. I registered for classes a few weeks ago, which was so exciting! I am taking five classes, which is apparently average, but I think it will be quite challenging. They are: Human Behavior, Research Methods, Social Justice and Human Diversity, Social Welfare Policies and Services, and Social Work Practice with Individuals/Families/Groups. I have taken classes in human behavior and research methods before, so my hope is that I can breeze through those and focus on the other three. Changing the subject slightly, my housemate moved into our apartment a few weeks ago, and it looks amazing! It is sooo much bigger than I expected, and everything looks brand new. I can't wait to move in :)

Food stuff. Sucks. Still at my highest weight ever, higher than last month. Hate. Don't know what to do.

We interrupt this blog post to bring you some sad news. Remember Meg, my cat who was sick last month? We had to put her to sleep. She had some sort of cancer, and it was growing very rapidly, and she was suffering. There was no treatment available and no money for treatment anyway, so we had to do it. I am really sad that she's gone, and I miss her tons, but I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore. I petted her and held her as she died, and I hope she knows that I loved her.

I guess that's about it. I love you guys, and I will try to keep you more updated. <3
Now look at this video of my cat Ginny (Meg's sister).

Pillssssssssss

Ok, let's be real. I am hiding. I feel like I am perpetually hiding my feelings from others, because I don't want to get in trouble. And that's freaking ridiculous. Why should I have to hide?? They're my feelings! But unfortunately, people don't see them that way. People feel the need to share my feelings with others. My feelings aren't theirs to share.

No, nothing like this has happened recently, but I have been keeping many secrets in order to avoid this happening. And that's frustrating, because when I feel like I need to talk to someone, I find that I can't think of who would be safe to talk to. It sucks when you are scared to tell your friends anything.

I mentioned that my thesis has been relatively unhealthy for me. Because of the topic of my thesis, disordered eating, I come into contact with a lot of data about people's disordered habits. And I start to miss my own disordered habits. This has led to four or five almost relapses, one of which I chronicled in my last post. It has also led to depression. The depression I'm currently experiencing is due to a few things.

1. I'm stressed. My thesis is stressful.
2. I feel kind of hopeless about my future. I mean, I have been depressed or eating disordered or cutting or suicidal since I was 13. Eight years. Is this ever going to get better? What else is there that I haven't tried? I'm tired of this.
3. The obvious one: I have chemical depression. Duh. 

I'll be honest with you; I have been suicidal. And that both freaks me out and frustrates me. I'm so sick of this! So I have decided to do something about it. I have decided to try something new.
I'm going off my medication. 
I can see your reaction coming from a mile away. A million questions. Why? How? Are you consulting a doctor? Are you an idiot? Do you really think this will help?

Why? Because the meds aren't helping. I started Lamictal last December (2010) at 100 mg. I am at 400 mg and feel the same. This is not normal. I am still depressed. Nothing has changed.

How? I have a plan. I have both 200 mg and 150 mg tablets. I can use a combination of these (splitting the pills in half if needed) to taper down to 75 mg. At 75 mg, I am not completely positive what to do, because I can't evenly spit anything lower than that. I will figure it out when I get there. I am going to do this slowly, because I have read horror stories about the side effects of tapering too quickly off Lamictal. If you go cold turkey, you can have a seizure! No thanks. I am going to try to do this right. Obviously, if I have bad side effects, I will go slower or stop. And if I have severe depression or whatever, I will stop too.

Are you consulting a doctor? Nope. Is this stupid? Maybe. I just don't want to talk to my prescriber. She would probably tell me to wait till I see her next, which is at the end of May. I want to feel better NOW, not in three months. And even if this doesn't make me feel better, at least I will have tried something. Honestly, feeling hopeless is what is making me the most depressed. Trying to taper off my meds gives me hope.

Are you an idiot? We kind of already covered this one. Yes, I probably am. But I know my limits and I know when to quit. What do I have to lose?

Do you really think this will help? I have no clue. I hope so. If it doesn't help, then at least I tried!

I hope this is going to go well. I will keep you all updated, obviously. I took my regular dose, 400 mg, this morning. I will try 350 mg tomorrow. I should be able to tell by Monday if I am going to have bad side effects. We'll see what happens!
<3

This week has been... interesting. Partially because I am crazy busy, and partially because... I didn't really eat last week. For about six days, I ate salad for every meal. I ate a bit of oatmeal at breakfast twice, and a yogurt at lunch once, but otherwise salad. I skipped a lot of meals too. You might ask, what triggered this? Dude, beats me. Stress? I don't know. But the good news is that a friend was brave enough to say something about how worried she was about my behavior, which made me thing about how worried I was about myself, and that was that. My eating is alright right now, although my self-esteem is ridiculously low. Fun!

On a different note, Halloween was great! I was a present! Here is my costume. The tag attached my the strap of my dress says "To" and "From" on it.

Golf (see last post) went pretty well. Having my friend keep me accountable helped, and I only had about half a drink at each hole, so my level of drunkness was about perfect. I was at a good level when I got to the parties, and I sobered up around 2 am, just in time to eat food/drink lots of water and watch TV till I was completely sober. I had a slight hangover on Sunday, but that could have also been from the fact that my body has decided it doesn't feel like digesting food. It's been a struggle. It's better now that it was since Friday, when I started eating again, but it's still not back to normal. It's not until your body doesn't do it very well, that you realize how much you need it.

Other than that... stress stress stress stress. Graduate school applications plus thesis = death. Deadlines soon = death. We'll see how that sleeping thing goes...
Well, gotta go work out. See you later!

FREEEEEEEEE

Hey :) I'm doing quite a bit better than my last post. I continued to not sleep last week, and part of this week (oops...). But tonight, I will sleep some! I am back home from the Psych Ward (aka the psychology lounge) and it's before 1 am!! That's pretty amazing, let me tell you. Now that my thesis research is done and I've moved on to the methods and such, things are getting a lot easier. But I don't want to get cocky: things could get a lot harder tomorrow. I still have hard classes, and things are about to get a little tougher because midterms are next week... I think I have two. Ew.

Other than school.... oh wait, there is nothing else. Just kidding! Here's something else incredible: I have stopped taking pain medication. Some background: I have chronic Achilles tendonitis, which causes me to be in pain all day, every day. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. Walking sucks. Sitting sometimes sucks. Standing really sucks. So I take a lot of ibuprofen. I also get headaches every day. And because of these two combined pain factors, I take A LOT of pain medication. I usually take at least 4 ibuprofen per day, and if that doesn't work for my headache, I will take Excedrin or something else. I am the queen of pain medication. I have a stash on me at all times. I also get migraines, but that's not as related to this.

Something to note: NSAIDs are super bad for you in large quantities. They can damage your liver, give you ulcers, and KILL YOU. BADDDDDD.

So the point is that I am basically dependent on NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs). And when you take NSAIDs like ibuprofen for headaches at least once daily for years, you get these things called rebound headaches. It's kind of like caffeine withdrawal. The original cause of the headache is no longer present, and eventually you are just treating the ibuprofen withdrawal headache. I know that I have these, but it's scary going off all pain medications! Well, NSAIDs. But I decided that enough is enough. I have to take care of myself for once! So I stopped taking them five days ago... and all hell broke loose. Day 1 wasn't too good, but I could handle it. Regular headache. Days 2 and 3: migraines almost all day, both days. Around 2 or 3 pm on both days, it hit me like a truck. I got almost no homework done this weekend. BUT... after day 3, nothing bad! On day 4, I had a small headache but it went away (which NEVER happens- I have to take pain meds to make headaches go away EVERY TIME). And today was day 5: NO HEADACHE AT ALL. WHAAAAAAT??!!? So weird! I am not used to not hurting. Of course, my Achilles tendons hurt, but whatever. They always hurt.

So that's great! It's nice to be free from pain meds, or at least almost free. I don't know if the migraines will pop back up later this week. Taking migraine medication is fine though, because it's not an NSAID. But yah, that's pretty much it. I got ridiculously drunk the weekend before last... don't remember much. I also drank last weekend, but it was controlled-ish. My friend got suuuuper sick, so that sobered me up pretty quick.

I don't know what else! Love you all <3

Well that sucks

Oh guys... I don't even know what to say. I am swamped with homework and stressed. I am sleeping less than is desirable. Sometimes I get breaks, but they are usually unplanned and they make me feel stressed because I should be doing homework. Thesis... grr...

On another note. As you'll notice, I took down the "Time since last purge" and "Time since last self-injury" sidebars. I need to stop counting. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me realize that I'm an all-or-nothing type of person. I mean, I knew that already. But I feel like when I count things, like how many days I have resisted purging, I am making it all or nothing. And if I mess up, then it's all over, and it doesn't even matter anymore. So I am going to *try* to stop counting, and start celebrating successes and PROGRESS, rather than numbers of days.

Speaking of messing up... I messed up. I was in class yesterday and I totally screwed up a comment I was making. I basically interpreted a quote to mean the exact opposite of what it actually meant. Which doesn't sound that bad, but I feel like I'm doing a horrible job in that class anyway. It intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate. But the point is, I was really, really embarrassed and distressed. Automatic reaction? Hurt self. I didn't even think about it. I just did. (Let's back up a bit. When I was younger, before I knew what self-injury was, I used to dig my nails into the sides of my body when I had my arms crossed across my chest. I just knew that it helped me calm down if I felt distressed or punish myself if I thought I needed it. I mostly used it in dance class.) I haven't dug my nails into my skin in quite a while, but I did. And after the automatic reaction, I realized what I was doing, and didn't stop. Now, I could say that this doesn't count, because I didn't actually cut myself with a blade or anything and I didn't leave any lasting marks, but as I was discussing with that friend, it's the intent that matters. I intended to hurt myself. Therefore, it is self-injury. Unfortunately. I have no idea how many days I was up to, but I guess they're gone now...

BUT I'm trying to move on. Numbers are way, way too important to me. Days since ____, grades, weight, etc. I have a number obsession. So goodbye, numbers. I know that it will be a struggle to see them go, but I really can't keep obsessing over them. It's detrimental to my life, and I need to stop.

That's kind of all that has been happening. I seriously don't do anything besides eat, sleep (sometimes), go to meetings, go to class, and do homework. I hope you guys are having a better week than me. The whole messing-up thing kind of put a damper on my good mood.

Finally able to blog!

I'm sorry it's been so long! I have been trying to blog since I got back to school, but it hasn't been working. First, my internet was totally down. I couldn't connect with an ethernet cord (plugged into the wall) or through wireless. So I finally got it fixed on Monday, but was suuuuper busy because of classes starting. So on Tuesday, I was going to blog, but my newly fixed internet was screwed up again. And since then, every night between 9 pm and 1 am, I can't get online. I think my wireless router is really old (like 3 years, which isn't that much, but whatever) and it can't handle all the traffic. Everyone on campus is doing homework between those times, so the system gets overloaded. Which sucks, because that's when I do homework too! I guess I'll have to go somewhere else if I need the internet for homework during those times. But anyhoo, I literally haven't been able to blog until tonight, because during the day I am too busy and at night I have no internet.

Soooo, school started again! Classes began on Tuesday. But let's back up a bit. I left for school on Saturday morning and met my friend Isabel at the airport in Chicago, since she lives there now. We took the bus to my school together, because she wanted to visit. She stayed with my until Tuesday afternoon.

So remember how she realized how she had feelings for me and we decided to just be friends, because she has a boyfriend, so we can't be more than friends? See this post. Well, we fail at that. I was prepared to be just friends, even though I was wishing that we weren't, and that didn't happen. We ended up doing non-friend stuff, but nothing explicit like making out. Just long, long hugs and snuggling and such. We talked about it, and I'm still not sure what we are going to do, because she will probably come to visit again... I can't do this anymore. We either need to be friends, or more than friends. We can't go back and forth! It's very confusing. My brain is lost.

I know that all sounded negative, but it was really nice to have her here. I LOVED seeing her again. I missed her so much! As a friend and as more. We had lots of fun together and it was really cool to have her staying with me. When she left, it felt super weird to have an empty room, because she had been here since I moved in. I miss her again already!! :-(

Besides that, I've just been having classes. And let me tell you, senior year is going to SUCK. I like my classes so far (or mostly, I guess), but there is SO MUCH READING. I am taking Advanced Social Psych, History and Systems of Psych (required for graduation...), and intro to art history. And my thesis, of course, but it's not an actual class period. All of my classes have an insane amount of reading, especially art history. I literally spent four or five hours reading the chapters that were assigned for today. AHHH!! It's not that interesting either. I'm taking it because I need another class outside of my major to graduate. But yes, I suddenly understand why the seniors last year seemed to live in the science building. It's because they had so much work to do that they could never leave! I think the science center will become my home this semester. And I haven't even worked on my thesis in two weeks... I hope this gets better, but I know it will only get worse. But I do like my classes, except art history. So that's the good news.

I guess that's pretty much it... since I've been so busy with school and a bit of sorority stuff, I haven't had time for anything else (not even sleep...). I'm sick right now, probably because of lack of sleep and stress. Just a cold. I feel like crap, so I might go to bed. Or do more homework... blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Love you guys! Have a good weekend!

Noooooo, stop it, flashbacks! YOU SUCK!

Since I've been talking about the rape SO MUCH all the time, I've been having more flashbacks. This is probably normal. When you think about something more, it also invades your unconscious mind more as well. The sucky thing about this is that I get flashbacks when I listen to music. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I love singing in the car! But unfortunately, a lot of the songs that are on the radio/that I love are about getting drunk, dancing, hooking up. And all of those things are things that I associate with being raped. For example, there is this song that I love called Give Me Everything Tonight by Pitbull. I absolutely adore it. Mostly because it's fun to sing. I like catchy songs that I can sing along to. But there are a few lines that always trigger me.

But I might drink a little more than I should tonight,
And I might take you home with me if I could tonight,
And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight,
Cuz we might not get tomorrow. 

Sounds fine, right? Nope. The part about drinking a little more than I should, and the taking you home if I could, is triggering. Because I did drink (a lot) more than I should have, and I did take her home with me.

This isn't the only song that triggers me. Others include Last Friday Night by Katy Perry and E.T. by Katy Perry. Actually, come to think of it, basically all Katy Perry songs. Firework is ok, but there are a lot that mention getting drunk (Last Friday Night) or hint at nonconsenual sex (E.T., during the intro when he says "Imma disrobe you, then Imma probe you, see I've abducted you, so I'll tell you what to do...").

Anyhoo, this sucks, because I love Katy Perry and I love singing songs like that! But when I have them on and/or am singing to them, I get flashbacks and have to change the station. LAAAAAAAME. Hopefully that will stop, cuz it suuuuuuucks.

Ok, bedtime. Oh, also, today marks 100 days with no cutting!! YAY! <3

Creepy Old Guy

It's been a challenging few days. One main thing to report is that I found Isaac, aka Creepy Old Guy, on Facebook. Have I talked about him before? I don't think I have. Here's the general story.

I was 16 and I went to an underage gay bar with friends one night; my first and last time there. I was sitting by the bar, resting my feet, and this guy came and sat next to me. We started talking, and eventually he gave me his number. I was super flattered, especially because I had really low self-esteem due to my ED and had never had a serious boyfriend before. At this point, I didn't really know/admit to myself that I was gay. So anyway, I texted him the next day. Originally, he claimed to be 21, but after we texted for a bit, he admitted to being 28. This should have been my cue to run away fast, but I didn't for some reason. We started dating, and things quickly progressed, in terms of sexual stuff. At first, I thought it was great. I felt like I was being a grownup and having a real relationship. But of course, I didn't tell any of my friends that I was dating him, because I knew they would say that I shouldn't do it.

After only a little while of dating, maybe two or three weeks, he started to tell me that he loved me, that we should get married someday, that he wanted to follow me to college, etc. I thought that it was kind of creepy and  sketchy, but I went with it because I didn't know what else to say. I felt like I had to reciprocate, because isn't that what adults do? Now I know better, but my 16-year-old self wasn't as smart as my 21-year-old self. Around the same time that he started getting creepy, I started to get tired of doing the sexual stuff that he wanted. We didn't have official intercourse, in case you were curious. But I didn't want to do it anymore, whatever it was. However, I thought that if people loved each other (I had convinced myself that I did love him), then they did what the other partner asked. He said things like, "If you loved me, you would...." so that I would do what he wanted. He didn't use force or threats, but it was an unspoken rule that 'no' wasn't really an ok answer. So I never really said no, but I never said yes either, and I didn't want it.

We dated for four months before I finally worked up the courage to break it off. I was really desperate for someone to love me (besides my parents), and that made it hard to dump the only person who said that he loved me. But I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I ended it. After that, I realized that I was really messed up because of what he did. I would drive by his street and hyperventilate and have flashbacks. I would see someone who looked slightly like him and freak out. When I got to college, I was hypervigilant because he had said that he would follow me to college, and I was paranoid that he really would. This was five years ago now, and I still have flashbacks. I can't do certain sexual activities because I get flashbacks or they remind me of him. My ex helped with that a bit, but you can't undo everything in a short period of time.

So yes, that's Isaac. After we broke up, I broke off all contact. I unfriended him on Myspace and deleted all the pictures of him, etc. But every so often, I wondered what he was up to, if he was victimizing any other underage girls. So I would look for him, but I was never able to find him again. Until now. I randomly decided to look again on Monday, and I found him. As soon as I saw his picture, I felt a jolt go through my body, and I knew. I knew it was him, even though he has more facial hair now, and he looks older. I guess he's 33 now... weird. Since I found him, I can't stop looking! I think that part of me thinks if I look at his picture enough, I will desensitize myself, and it won't bother me as much. I don't know if that's true, but whatever. Whatever the cause, I need to stop looking. NOT GOOD!

The good news is that he lives in Texas now, not Oregon or Wisconsin, so I don't have to worry about running into him. For the longest time, I was super paranoid that I would see him somewhere. The bad news is that now I have a very real face to put on my fuzzy memories, which makes them more vivid and distressing. But that's ok; I needed to face them anyway, right? I'll be fine :)

So that's my big thing for the week. There is more, but this post is SUUUUPER long now, so I'll talk to you all later! <3

Forgetting to eat??

Today is Tuesday... I wish it were Friday. I'm just so tired this week! I hope I survive until Friday. But anyways... The week has been alright so far, even though I'm tired. My weekend was nice, and much needed. My mother and I went to a baseball game on Saturday night, which I thought would be torture, but was in fact quite fun :) Here are some lovely pictures:

Pitcher Sequence

Cracker Jacks!

The ending score: We won!

It was great! I had TONS of fun taking those pictures. Action shots are hard! Anyhoo, Sunday was pretty chill. Yesterday I had therapy again. We talked about my anxiety. Talking about my childhood (related to anxiety) makes me realize how little I really remember of it. I don't have feelings or thoughts of my childhood until age 12. I only have images. LAME. So frustrating.

Something that's been bugging me: I am eating weird. Not on purpose, I swear! I have to be at work at noon, and so I leave at 11 or 11:15 am, because there is a ton of traffic usually (WHY???). This means that I'm generally eating lunch at 10:30 or 10:45 am, if at all. Lots of times, I have an appointment or something right before I have to leave for work, so I don't have time for lunch. Like today: for some reason, I just forgot to plan in time for lunch, so I didn't eat it. I had cereal for breakfast, and then I had a few pretzels at work, but that was it until 7:30 pm. And the odd thing is that I'm not really hungry at work. However, I can tell when I haven't eaten, because I get bitchier than usual. So I don't really know what to make of the whole situation. I'm not starving myself on purpose, but I just forget to eat. This is so weird for me. I never used to forget to eat. Huh.

Well, I'm off to veg in front of the TV. Love you all!

I HATE BEING A WOMAN

Hey :) I have been so incredibly lazy this week. I have my period, and it's screwing with my life. Firstly, it's making me a huge bitch, which is not good for work. I am more prone to yell at the kids and get in trouble with my bosses. NOT GOOD. Secondly, I just don't want to do anything. Ever. All I want to do is sleep. And thirdly, it's making me really moody and depressed. I want to cut all the time. I take little things and make them into mountains. THIS SUCKS. I hate my period. It needs to go away NOW. NOWWWW.

Thank goodness that tomorrow is Friday. I don't know if I could take any more of this week! AND it's a holiday weekend (4th of July, Independence Day, for those of you who don't live in the U.S.), so I have no work on Monday. THREE DAY WEEKEND, FUCK YES! I need this weekend. I am so tired.

Today at work, I managed to injure myself in two ways. First, I got stabbed in the finger by one of those sharp leaves when I was retrieving a ball during recess. And second, I inhaled some cardboard dust while I was helping one of the kids build a lava tube from a cardboard box, and now I can't breathe very well. I keep coughing and I can't take deep breaths at all. I think I should not work out tomorrow (not that I was going to anyway, but whatever). Besides getting hurt, today was actually a pretty good day at work. I didn't kill any children. Always a plus.

That's pretty much it. The bottom line is this: my period sucks and it's screwing with my life. And I want to hurt myself. Right now. A lot. Grr.

I think that the only thing stopping me is that I have not cut in 62 days, as of today. I thought that today was 60 days, but I've been counting wrong this whole time. Over 2 months! That's a lot. And I don't want to screw it up. I hope that I don't screw it up.

Brainzzzz

I've been doing alright. Since I wrote that last post about being fine and happy, I have been less than fine and happy. I started having flashbacks again, and since I found that razor, I have wanted to cut all the time. I lie in bed at night and think about cutting. I also have been completely unable to sleep until 3 or 4 am for about 3 days straight now. I am just so anxious that I can sit still. It's like the pit of my stomach is rising into my throat, and if I don't move, I might explode or die. Today I am running on 3 hours of sleep, I started my period, I had my stupid filling, and I had a really stressful day at work. And I have a splitting headache that might turn into a migraine (since I'm on my period, I'm expecting one any day now...). Sounds like fun, right?

My filling was actually fine. The worst part was the numbing part, when they stuck a needle into my gum and injected Novocaine. Other than that, it was just really freaky to feel the drill vibrating and hear it. THEY DRILLED INTO MY TOOTH. WTF. But it didn't and doesn't hurt. My jaw is a bit sore, and I chewed my cheek some because I couldn't feel anything, but those are my only complaints. That, and the $100 that it cost. But oh well.

This weekend, I realized how crappy junk food can make you feel. I basically only ate junk all weekend, and I felt like shit. Don't do it. It sucks. It was fun, but don't do it. Since Peri asked, you microwave s'mores by putting a marshmallow in the microwave for about 17 seconds (depending on the microwave, you want it to be squishy, but not explode) and stick it on a graham cracker with chocolate. Magic, s'more! Yay! It is DELICIOUS.

I think my brain is going to fall out. Talk later chicas :)

Weeeeek bleeeeh

Hey! I have officially finished a week of work, and it feels great. I am pretty much hating my job. I like kids, but a) my feet are killing me after a day of work because of my Achilles tendonitis, and b) the kids are fucking crazy. I am so glad it's the weekend, but I am having a hard time imagining how I'm going to get through 9 more weeks of this... My parents are out of town again this weekend, but no fun plans. Last night, and I ate Taco Bell (which I'm not really allowed to have usually, since my parents think I'm fat) and made s'mores in the microwave. DELICIOUS. Then I watched TV until 1 am. I slept till noon today, watched more TV, and I'm about to go see my gramma. We are going to shop for a new recliner for her, have dinner, and see a movie. My gramma is the coolest lady. I love her so much <3


Oh, I should mention that my hamstring is mostly fine (remember, I injured it on Saturday last week). It still bothers me some when I'm on the bike, but I'm taking it slow and trying to be careful.


In other news, I found a razor when I was cleaning my room the other day. I don't quite know what to do with it. I realize I should throw it away, but part of me wants to keep it, just in case. Stupid, I know. I'll probably throw it away this weekend. Bleh.


Also, I found this gem when reading some old journal entries: "Everything sucks balls. Life sucks balls. And that sucks, because I’m gay so I don’t like sucking balls. Lol."
Direct quote there. I am SO COOL. Ahahahaha :)


I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need therapy after all. Here's the thing: I feel good. Yes, I'm stressed out as hell because of my job. Yes, sometimes I feel like shit. Yes, sometimes I feel like self-harming, but I only think about it (briefly) and never do it. But honestly, since I got my medication dose upped, I feel great. I like myself, I'm happy, I laugh more, I don't want to kill my parents. I don't have flashbacks. I'm in therapy because I have flashbacks. And I really don't anymore. And even when I think about that bitch, I don't freak out much. I sure as hell don't forgive her, but I don't have a panic attack when I think about her. If I start thinking about exactly what might have happened, then it gets a little dicey. But otherwise, I'm good. I don't know. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I guess I'll tell her this stuff, and we'll see how it goes. 


Finally, I have a cavity. I know, big deal. But it's my first one, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I have a filling scheduled for Monday (which, oopsies, is scheduled for 2.5 hours before my therapy appointment... I hope I don't look/talk funny during that). I'm scared! I don't want a filling! I don't want a cavity!! LAME. 


Ok... I have to go. BYE! I hope your weekends are fabulous. Stay awesome.