My boyfriend Aaron has this 14 year old friend named Sara. They've been going to this summer camp together since they were really little and they're best friends. Unfortunately, Sara is completely in love with Aaron, and he has feelings for her sometimes too. Two summers ago, when we had been dating for about six months, he went to camp and came back thinking he had feelings for her. He also texts her constantly and tells her a lot of stuff that he doesn't tell me. He goes to Madison to visit her a lot too.
Yesterday was one of those visits, and he was gone all day. He came back last night around midnight, and we were going to have some sexy time and sleep over at his room. In the middle of making out, I suddenly had a thought and asked him if he still had feelings for Sara. He said that he didn't have sexual feelings but he felt like he needed to protect her. I asked him if he felt that way about me, and he said no, he didn't think I needed protecting. Then I asked him if he wanted to be with her, and he said not now. Meaning he does want to be with her in the future. Then we talked a lot about our relationship and he mentioned that he didn't think we would still be together in graduate school. He doesn't think that he wants to have a long-term relationship with me, and he doesn't like living with me. Last year we lived together and I was really unhappy and we fought a lot, but that was mostly because of my ED and depression. I asked him if he wanted to try living together again, now that I'm happier, but he said he didn't think it would work out.
At this point, his meds wore off and he started freaking out, so the conversation pretty much ended. The impression I get is that I am just an in-between relationship while he waits for Sara to get older. I don't want to be in a relationship that I know is going to end in two years. I also don't want to be used like that.
We talked again this morning, and he apologized and took back some of the things he said last night. But they can't be unsaid. He can't just say he's sorry and expect me to be alright with everything again. I've been ignoring the Sara situation since the first month of our relationship, but I just can't anymore. We've been together for two years at this point. Monday is our anniversary. When he talks to her, it's like he's having an emotional affair, and that's not fair to me. I told him that if he wants to stay with me, he has to cease all contact with Sara. Of course, he said he couldn't do that. So I told him that I wanted to take a break for a couple of days, and think things over. But I think I need to end it.
I really need some advice here guys. What do you think? Am I looking at this situation rationally? Thanks :)
I can't help you with the boy stuff, as I'm a bit (read: very) irrational about stuff like that, but I had to ask: Madison? Where are you?! My sister goes to a private college in Madison, and I live just an hour or so away.
ReplyDeleteUmmmm...wow...I think you are finally looking at this rationally. First off, he's not respecting you and treating you the way you deserve...he already told you he doesn't see a future with you. RED FLAG! I'm so sorry love...but if I were in your shoes, I would cut him off...you deserve someone who wants to be with just you, someone who talks to you and dreams with you. You deserve happiness...I'm here for you...I'm so sorry. Much love
ReplyDeleteAww sweetie, that is such a hard situation to be in. I think the things he said to you were a little out of line, and you have a right to be hurt. It's hard to know that someone else might have a little piece of his heart, too. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but he does deserve to be able to see and talk to Sara. I KNOW this is hard, I know. But if you try looking form his side, how much would it suck if your significant other gave you such an ultimatum like that, especially involving someone who he has known for so long. However, this does not give him the right to go off and cheat on you with Sara, or just "wait it out" with you as she gets older, and then dump you for her. That is completely wrong. If you don't feel like you can trust him not to do that to you, then you need to end it, I think.
ReplyDeleteBefore you do that, sit down, and ask him seriously, is his plan to be with her in the future, when she gets older, and would he break up with you for her? Tell him that you need to know, because that is unfair to you if those are his plans, and you just need to know for the sake of your future. Just you, not the two of you together. Liz's future. You don't want to stay in a relationship when there is no future for you in it.
If you do legitimately want to try to keep this relationship, you need to ask these questions. I know it will be a hard conversation to have, but for your sake and sanity, you need to know where he stands with you and Sara. I hope things work out the best they can :) xoxo
Liz :( I'm sorry... but I'll talk you through this and I'm usually good at this stuff... so here we go.
ReplyDeleteTrust your gut. If you honestly feel like he is having an "emotional affair" or is attached to her in a way that will keep you two from remaining close then honey your gut is right. Especially if he isn't willing to "let her go" The need to take care of someone is very psychological and it's not something you can fix, and if she is head over heels for him she'll do anything to make herself look and seem helpless and in need of him. It's the Superman/damsel in distress shit... Every man wants to be the Superman, and every girl wants to be the princess in the tower.
Tell him that she might need him because she's weak and delusional and yea it's great that he has friends but there ARE limits, then tell him that you DON'T need him because you are strong and smart and beautiful and capable of facing reality and you've learned to grow up. Ask him if what he really wants in life, and a relationship. If he wants to take care of something tell him to get a puppy and keep the chick out of his life...or at least at a distance, but if he wants something real and love that is conscious then he needs to stay with you and prove that he wants it. You love him, he knows the..he also knows that she loves him. Love can be worthless if it's delusional..she's being a nimwit and immature. Any woman who has experienced love knows that guys who are in a relationship cannot be extensive friends with another female.
You don't need him, but he thinks you'll stay no matter what because of love.. Staying through shit because you truly believe it'll be better is called faith, staying because you think it'll change magically and being miserable is called wasting life! I thought my ex husband could change, and the reason we got together was the Superman/damsel concept.. I learned I'm strong enough to fix myself, and he continued to be controlling and guilted me every day. It got worse and worse..he mis treated me, called me names, wouldn't let me go to college because he thought I needed to be at his beck and call..wanted me to have his baby at 18 yrs old because he wanted to make sure I'd never leave...after the disrepect, abuse, yelling, and hitting I left him. I told him as I walked out that I sure as hell didn't need to be hit one more time and I sure as hell don't need him. I thank tyler because he woke me up from that life and showed me that I am worth something, I fell in love with him and realized my ex was abusing me. I left him and I'm with a man that has NEVER called me anything less than perfect,or beautiful, NEVER hit me, NEVER disrespected me. He helped me start school and be myself. You deserve to be treated right! And so does he...if it can happen between you two then fight to keep. If not, tell him to hit the road and put the toilet seat down as he leaves lol. sit down with him or go for a walk.. how happy are you to just look at him? To just be around him? If you aren't content naturally then its not meant to be.. But if you just love the love around you two then stay in it!Work it out! make him be active.. don't settle for "I'm sorry" or "I'll try" You two have to be serious about it and start NOW on fixing it. If you two split and he gives you crap just say you life is worth something and if he cant respect it then say you don't give a FUCK with your middle finger UP!
Love is worth EVERYTHING if it's right. I personally couldn't live if I thought I couldn't breath the same air as Tyler for one day. Take time to think for yourself and your heart.
How old is your bf? And is Sara still 14? I feel like he shouldn't be harbouring feelings for someone that much younger to begin with.
ReplyDeleteI'm not good with relationships, so I don't know if it's really my place to give you advice on yours, but I think if someone is not making you happy, then maybe it is time to end it. If he doesn't think you guys living together, or just you guys in general is going to work in the long term, then he shouldn't be toying with your emotions the way it sounds like he is.
In the end, it's really your decision, and doing what you think is right FOR YOU. And you're definitely thinking rationally.
Hope everything works out for the better!! :-*
xXx