Saturday, July 31, 2010

I think I'm doing alright

I think I'm doing rather well in recovery. I'm trying to do the whole "eat when hungry, stop when full" thing. It's never really worked for me, but I'll try it again. At around 5 pm today, I knew that we would be eating dinner at some point, but I was starving. So I ate a yogurt. Everything was fine. I did not binge. I did not spoil my dinner. I was still hungry for dinner when dinner-time came.

I have a confession to make: I counted calories today. Here's why: I want to make sure I'm not overeating. Today was the first day in my recovery that I haven't binged, and I wanted to know if I was eating enough/too much. I have an account on, and I had it calculate how many calories I should be eating per day to lose 1 pound per week. Because let's face it, I'm still 25 pounds overweight. I don't want to be obsessive about food and starve myself, but I also don't want to gain any more weight. It's not healthy for me, either way. So my Livestrong account says that I need to eat 2,010 calories per day to lose 1 pound per week. WOW. That's at TON of calories! Today I ate about 1,700 calories.

- Breakfast: Granola and skim milk
- Snack: M&M's
- Lunch: Arnold's sandwich thin with peanut butter and Nutella
- Snack: Fiber One yogurt
- Dinner: Salad (lettuce, green pepper, avocado, light Ranch) and tortellini with marinara sauce

It seems really weird that I only ate 1,700 calories. Currently I'm not hungry and I'm not overly full. I ate a little bit too much at dinner, but that's only because my boyfriend's mom wanted me to eat more. I felt full, so I stopped eating, and then she said, "Have a little bit more Liz. You barely ate anything!" So I took a few more tortellinis and ate them. No biggie. It's really nice to be told to eat more, rather than to be told to eat less. Even when I was in recovery last time, my parents would always be telling me not to eat something, or to eat less. SERIOUSLY? Who tells a person recovering from an ED that they should eat less?? Idiots, that's who.

I also weighed myself this morning. I know, I shouldn't have done that. But I really wanted to know! This morning is the first morning that I haven't felt like a complete cow. I woke up and didn't feel overly fat. I didn't feel skinny, but I didn't feel fat. So naturally, I wanted to know what I weighed. It was 185. Not horrible. That puts my BMI at 28.9, which is overweight but not obese. I'm ok with that. Obviously I'd love to be a normal weight, so I think my goal is to be anywhere between 130 and 160 pounds. I don't care where I am within that range. I just want to be happy and feel good.

This was my third day on the Lexapro, and I'm not feeling anything yet. I'm already thinking about how I'm going to tell my mother about all of this. She is one of those people who doesn't really believe in psychological illness. When I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14 years old, she completely denied it. She wouldn't believe me, even though the psychologist had just sat there and told her that I had depression. When I talk about having anxiety, she says "Come on, Liz, you don't have anxiety. You just get a little nervous sometimes." Thanks mom. Thanks for understanding.
So when I tell her that I'm taking medication for anxiety and depression, I will have to justify it. So I made a list of things that I can't do because of my anxiety. Here are a few examples:

1) I can't watch sports games because I get too anxious about who's going to score.
2) I'm afraid of going to new restaurants because I don't know their routine. Do I seat myself or do they seat me? Do I pay at the table or take the check to the front?
3) When I have something to say in class discussions, I often don't say it because I'm too anxious. It takes me too long to calm myself down and by then the discussion has often moved on and I don't get to say it.
4) I ask my boyfriend if I look ok about 10 times per day, and I freak out if he doesn't give the right response.

The actual list is 15 items long, and I'm definitely missing some things. I just can't think of everything right now. But hopefully, by arming myself with these facts, I will be able to convince her that there actually is something wrong with me. I want to get better, and I feel like these meds and some therapy (when I get to school) are my best shot. Unfortunately, I need my parents' insurance to get both of those things, so I have to tell them. Grr. I'm sure it will be fine. This is part of my anxiety too. I freak out over things that will most likely be fine in the end.

So here's the final assessment of how I'm doing, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being complete relapse and 10 being complete recovery): 5.
I am feeling good, but I also weighed myself and counted my calories. I think I'll update that number daily, and ideally it will get closer to 10 as I go on :)

Well, that's it for now. I hope you are all doing amazingly, in whatever you are pursuing! Stay strong loves <3

Friday, July 30, 2010

Psych evaluation

My psych eval went alright... it was weird though. The nurse prescriber that did it was super awkward and doesn't interview people very well. She asked very direct questions (such as "Do you have any anxiety?" and "Do you have any insight into your cutting?"). If I hadn't been a psych major and been doing her transcription for a while, I wouldn't have known how to answer a lot of them. It was SUPER weird and awkward. I also didn't feel comfortable with her, so I didn't tell her that I'm suicidal sometimes.

However, she did diagnose me with Depressive Disorder NOS. I didn't get a chance to tell her about my anxiety, or else she definitely would have diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well, but whatever. She gave me a 30 day supply of Lexapo, and I'm going back in about 2.5 weeks for a follow up. I should know if the Lexapro is working in about a week to 10 days. I hope it makes me feel better! It's usually prescribed for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression, which I basically have both of.

So we'll see how that goes :) I am so happy to hear that others of you read the DSM-IV-TR!! Yay!
Well, I don't have much else to say, so that's it girlies.

I was also diagnosed with ED-NOS, but I felt like that was unnecessary to mention, since it's obvious that I have an ED :) She just assumed I was telling the truth about the fact that I was already diagnosed.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

About the last post...

I should mention (about my psych eval) that since I work at the same place where I'm getting the evaluation, I know what to expect. I also routinely do transcription from the medication check and psych eval appointments that the nurses do, so I pretty much know exactly what questions they might ask and what they think is important. The psych eval that I did in my last post is pretty much taken from the same template that the one I'll get today is.

Why did I do it and will I bring it with me? I did it because I have horrible memory, so if she asked me all those questions during the eval and I was just thinking about them for the first time, I would not remember half that stuff. So a lot of it's for me to try to remember my history of symptoms, my family history, etc. I will probably not bring it with me, because I'm a little embarrassed (not with you guys, but with her) that I did it in the first place. But how can I not? I am a psych major, for crying out loud! That stuff is fun to me. I enjoy reading the DSM-IV- TR (diagnostic manual) and diagnosing myself :) I'm a weirdo, I know.

Well, have a great day everyone!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Doing my own preparatory psych eval :)

So in preparation for my psych evaluation tomorrow, here is my own psych eval of myself:

Identification: Liz is a twenty-year old Caucasian female who came in today for a medication evaluation.

History of Present Illness: Liz has had an eating disorder since age 14 and was diagnosed with severe bulimia at age 16. She was in recovery for three years, before she relapsed in March. She also has a history of self-injury, beginning at age 13 and continuing today. The last time she self-injured was two weeks ago. She admits to suicidal ideation at times, but not at the current moment. She also describes anxiety and depression symptoms. She says that she is sad and lonely a lot of the time, especially late at night. She has really low self-esteem and says she hates herself a lot of the time. When asked what she liked about herself, she said that she likes her hair color and her organizational skills.
She also gets really anxious about trivial things. She says she can't watch sports or games, such as basketball or swimming, because she gets too anxious about who is going to win or if someone will get hurt. She worries a lot about her work and schoolwork. She is frequently anxious about what people think of her, and she is constantly self-monitoring.

Previous Psychiatric Experience: Liz has never seen a psychiatrist or received psychiatric medication before. She has received counseling in Oregon for her eating disorder when she was 16.

History of Abuse/Unusual Events in Childhood: Liz has a history of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. She was physically and emotionally abused by her mother as a child. She was sexually abused by an older boyfriend when she was 16.

Pertinent Medical History: Liz has chronic Achilles tendinitis from being a dancer. She also has plantar fasciitis. These combined foot/ankle conditions cause limitations to her activity. She cannot stand up or walk around for extended periods of time, making things like shopping or taking walks difficult. She has seen a podiatrist and several physical therapists for this, and wears customized orthotics in her shoes almost daily.
Liz also has a history of migraines. She takes Excedrin Migraine, and that usually makes them go away. Additionally, she has frequent heartburn, probably caused by her bulimia. Recently she has started developing boils, which she is currently on antibiotics to prevent. Her primary care physician suspects that she may have Hidradenitis suppurativa, which may be to blame for the boils.

Family Mental Health History: Maternal mental health history is positive for depression, eating disorders, and bipolar disorder. Paternal mental health history is positive for eating disorders and depression.

Social History: Liz is currently in college and will be a junior in the fall. She is a good student who generally gets A's and B's in her classes. She is currently in a long-term relationship with a man her own age. She currently works at Innovative Counseling. During the school year, she is employed in the AV Media Services department at her college, as well as being an overnight host for prospective students and a tutor for learning disabled students. She is a high achiever. She is involved in Kappa Delta sorority and the Gay-Straight Alliance at her college. She considers herself to be Christian, but is not active in any particular church.

Substance Abuse History: Liz has used marjiuanna in the past, although is not currently using. She also uses alcohol, sometimes to excess, although she does not believe it to be a problem. She smokes occasionally.

Allergies: Liz has seasonal pollen allergies. She is not allergic to any medications that she knows of.

Current medications: Liz is currently taking birth control (Orthocyclen) and an antibiotic for boils.

Strengths and supports: Liz's support system includes her boyfriend, her family, her boyfriend's family, and her close friends (like you guys!!)

Diagnostic Impressions:

Axis I:            Eating Disorder NOS
                      Generalized Anxiety Disorder
                      Depressive Disorder NOS
Axis II:          Deferred
Axis III:        Chronic Achilles tendinitis, migraines, boils
Axis IV:        Moderate stressors
Axis V:         Current GAF: 55

Treatment Plan: I have no idea... some sort of medication, of course. Probably something like Lexapro or Prozac or maybe Topamax? Something. We'll see :) Maybe Alprazelam as needed.


Wish me luck tomorrow!! I hope it goes well :) Oh also, I want to mention that I'm a vegetarian, so that's why my food plan is devoid of meat.
I love you guys!! You're amazing :) Stay strong everyone <3

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Thank you guys so much!

You guys have been so amazing. I never dreamed that I'd find so much support, although I guess I should have known, since you were all so amazing when I was starving! I am so glad to have you all :)

Today went alright, although I ended up eating a lot of candy... I figure that it's ok to give myself a couple of free days before I make myself not binge. If I keep trying to deprive myself of things I want, like candy, then I'll just binge more later I think.

I didn't count calories today (well, a little bit, but then I stopped myself). I didn't weigh myself this morning, although I really wanted to. I went grocery shopping this evening, and I stocked up on healthy things that I can eat for my meals. Here is my food plan:

- Granola with skim milk or vanilla yogurt
- Peanut butter and banana sandwich
- Low fat yogurt
- 1 Bartlett pear
- Red grapes
- Baby carrots
- Mixed nuts
Dinner (example, since every day will be different)
- Whole wheat pasta with marinara sauce
- Salad with low fat dressing
- Diet Coke
- Lots of WATER
- Vitamin Water Zero

I hope this will be good for me. I made the food plan with my boyfriend's mom. She follows a modified Weight Watchers plan, so these meals are based on a certain number of items in each food group, not calories. I feel like if I knew how many calories I was eating, I would get obsessive about it.

In other exciting news, I am going to get an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation! As you know, I work at a counseling clinic, and my bf's mom offered to get me in to see the psychiatric nurse. She can give me a psych evaluation and get me medications for my depression and anxiety disorders. I am really nervous, but hopeful that it will be helpful.

I really want this to work for me. My long-term goals are to a) be happy at whatever weight I'm at and b) to not use food to stuff down my feelings or deal with my problems.

Like I said, you guys are amazing. I love you so much, and I really appreciate you. THANK YOU. Stay strong everyone <3

**When I say "stay strong," I mean stay strong in whatever you are doing, whether that may be starving or recovery.

Monday, July 26, 2010


I have decided to get better. I know that yesterday I said that I didn't want to, but I think that it's the best decision for me now. Here is why:

- I can't concentrate when I'm using my ED symptoms. It affects my work and my school work. And I care more about my grades than being skinny.
- I have WAAAAY less sex drive when I'm using my symptoms, and it makes my romantic relationship with my bf suffer. And that makes our relationship suffer generally, which is bad.
- I have a hard time focusing on my other personal relationships when I'm starving/bingeing because I'm consumed with thinking about my ED and how fat I am, and therefore I isolate myself and have no friends.
- I lie all the time when I'm using my symptoms, and it makes me feel like crap because I'm deceiving those closest to me.
- I hate myself all the time when I'm using my symptoms, and that makes it hard to love anyone else  (like my bf).
- I am really moody and my mood depends upon my weight and how my diet is going. That makes me seem like a crazy person to my friends and family.
- My ED is fucking up my body. I really want to have kids some day and be healthy when I'm old. That's not as possible when I'm starving myself and destroying my organs.

The only things that my ED has done for me are:
a) Helped me organize and control my life
b) Helped me lose weight

So therefore, I need to get better. I want to have a life outside of my ED, and that's really hard right now. I want to enjoy life, to love my boyfriend, to do well in school, and to have children someday.

I will still post on here, but this will become a recovery blog rather than a pro-ED blog. I hope you guys will still follow me and comment, but I obviously understand if you don't want to anymore. I love you guys, and I won't encourage you to recover if you don't want to. I completely understand what you're doing (obviously, since I've done it too), and I know that most of you know that it's unhealthy. I just hope you're careful and don't end up dead :)

Stay strong everyone <3

Sunday, July 25, 2010

*insert inappropriate string of swear words here*

This weekend has been shit, but fortunately I've only gained four pounds. I was 178 this morning, up from 174 on Thursday. I can't believe that I fucked up again. How do I let this happen? Obviously something I'm doing is NOT working and something has to change for my life to work. I have a new plan; here it is:

I will eat something small (under 100 calories) for breakfast, like yogurt or fruit or egg whites. At work, I will try not to eat anything. However, if there is something that I want to eat at work, I will allow myself one serving of whatever it is. For example, if there are donuts, I will eat one. If there is candy, I will have a piece. That way, I don't feel like I'm depriving myself, but I'm not eating too much. 
When my boyfriend comes home in two weeks, I will eat a small lunch (under 300 calories) so that he thinks I'm eating. Finally, I will eat a small dinner (under 300 calories) so that people think I'm eating. Mostly salad, hopefully. 

The total calories should be under 800 per day, which should be enough to lose a good amount of weight per week. I'm not going to push it, because when I get too extreme, I binge. THIS WILL WORK. I hope. Wish me luck!

I thought long and hard about recovery this week, and decided against it. The deciding factor was really a conversation that I had with Robin on Friday night/Saturday morning. We were talking about what we would do when we if we woke up today and had the perfect body and knew what we had to do to keep it. I said that I wouldn't be able to do it, because I would still be using my ED as a coping mechanism even if I had the body I wanted. My ED isn't about my body; it's about my life. I use food as a way to deal with the stresses in my life. I have a lot of anxiety, probably Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have very low self-esteem. Robin asked me why I didn't want to figure out other ways to deal with my anxiety and depression, and I realized that I just am not ready to let go of my ED. Even when I was "in recovery" before my relapse, I was still engaging in ED behaviors. I never really let go of it, even though I thought I did. And I'm still not ready to, therefore I can't recover just yet. But maybe someday I'll have the courage to let go of these behaviors and get better. I hope.

 I just want you guys to know that I love you :) You're the best friends I have. Thanks so much for being here for me! Stay strong <3

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 2 of fast- success!

Today was fabulous. Well, at least my intake was fabulous :) I have only had Diet Coke, water, and one sugar-free Popsicle (25 calories). So that's great!

I was really productive at work. I actually got everything done and had nothing else to do... how does that happen?? Unfortunately, I was still nauseated all day (although not as bad as last night) and my head hurt on and off. But the good news is that I have 9 hours of work tomorrow and then I have Friday off!! Yay :)

I was going to fast until Monday night, but I just made plans with a friend for a "pizza and movie night" for Friday night. So I'll be fasting for 4 days still :) Not too shabby! I am serious about the weight loss this time. No fuck ups. I must get thin.

Speaking of thin, I lost five freaking pounds in one day! I was 181.6 yesterday (Tuesday morning) and I was 176.0 this morning (Wednesday morning). OMG!! How is that possible?? Amazing.

Btw, I love you guys! I absolutely LOVE seeing your comments :) It completely makes my day. You are all amazing!! I <3 you.

Stay strong everyone :) Have a fantastic evening.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Migraines suck

Seriously, I hate them. Normally mine aren't that bad, but today is probably the worst one I've ever had. My head doesn't hurt that much, but the nausea is killing me. I feel like I'm going to hurl everywhere, and nothing makes it better. For a while I thought that maybe I needed to eat something to make it go away, so I had a sugar-free Popsicle, but that didn't help. Ugg :(

I've decided to fast until Monday night. So today was Day 1. Here is my intake:
- Breakfast: Water (0)
- Lunch: Diet Coke (0)
- Dinner: Strawberry Popsicle (25)
Total calories: 25

I still feel like I'm going to puke...
In other news, I got the Blogger Addict Award again from Emry! Thanks babe :) The rules are: five things you love, five things you hate, and five blogger addicts.

5 Things I Love
1) Diet Coke- Even if I wasn't on a diet, I would still love Diet Coke. It's completely delicious :)
2) Knitting- My stress relief. And it makes pretty stuff!
3) Music- Although my favorite singer changes frequently, I will always love rocking out to a song while I drive or work out.
4) My sister- We've had our differences in the past, but during the last few years I've realized how much I appreciate and love her <3
5) Losing weight- Of course, how could I not include this? I love seeing that number on the scale go down, and I love seeing the difference in my body. Why else would I go to such great lengths?

5 Things I Hate
1) Nausea- I might just be saying this because I'm nauseated right now, but it completely sucks! I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up, but not actually doing it.
2) Dry skin- My hands are constantly dry, and it feels so gross! It makes me cringe.
3) Waffles- They have always made me gag, even before I had an ED.
4) Hot weather- If it's cold, you can put on more layers and be warm again. But if it's too hot, there's only so many layers you can take off before you're naked... and you're still hot.
5) Rude people- Really, why are you being rude? What did I ever do to you?

5 Addicted Bloggers
1) Peridot
2) Pointe
3) Pixiestix_014
4) Lauren
5) Robin

Remember girls, just because I didn't name you, doesn't mean I don't love you! I can only pick five, but you're all in my heart <3
Ok, I have to go to sleep, before I really do barf... Stay strong!
Oh hey, and I got a Formspring! Ask me questions, anything!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Back on track again... when will this stupid cycle stop???

Really, I just want to starve. Can I please just skip the bingeing and just starve myself thin?? I am back on track today, but I just wish I could have been on track all weekend...

Here is my intake for the day:
- Breakfast: Fiber One yogurt (50)
- Lunch: Candy (180) and Green Giant broccoli and cheese tray (40)
- Dinner: Mac and cheese (290)
Total calories: 560

Oh man, that mac and cheese was delicious and it didn't have a huge amount of calories :) Yummy yum yum...

I hope you guys are doing fabulously! I just want to thank you for all your lovely comments :) They make me smile and squee every time I get one! I love you guys, really. Stay strong!

Here is some beautiful thinspo, sports-themed:

This girl (above) is a friend of mine. WHY AM I NOT AS SKINNY AS HER??? Sooo jealous...

Sunday, July 18, 2010


This is the new plan. It will work.

- Breakfast: Fiber One yogurt (50) or Sugar-free Carnation Instant Breakfast (60)
- Lunch: None (0) or Green Giant broccoli and cheese tray (40)
- Dinner: Salad (50) and whatever else I'm forced to eat (200)
Total calories: 300-350

I will exercise at least 3 times a week. I will not be alone in the house (because then I binge). If I am left alone, I will go out and shop (motivation to lose weight, because I can't fit into anything). I will stay at work as long as possible each night, so as to avoid being at home too much.

When I go back to school on August 21st, here is the plan:
- Breakfast: 4 strawberries (16)
- Lunch: Salad (100)
- Dinner: Salad (100) and whatever else I'm forced to eat
Calories: Maximum 400

I have to lose 70 pounds by December 1st, which is 4 pounds per week. Totally doable! Of course, this assumes that I'm 175 pounds right now... which I'm probably not. This morning I was 179, and I binged again. But I just need to get to 171 by next Monday, and I'll be back on track.

WE CAN DO THIS. Who's with me??

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Well, it couldn't last forever...

Waz up?? How are you all doing? I hope you're doing better than me. I was down to 174 this morning (only 0.8 pounds lost, but oh well). Unfortunately I blew it and binged/purged butter pecan ice cream this afternoon. I definitely got it all out, because after I finished puking all the cold, white goo into the toilet, I started puking up granola chunks that were soaked in Diet Sierra Mist (which is what I ate before I binged). I purged immediately after eating (so immediately that it was still cold when it came back up, wow...), so I probably got it all. But still, I'm crazy so I just want to be sure.

However, after my binge/purge this afternoon, instead of trying to salvage my day I ate a whole bunch for dinner at the moms' house... so I'm thinking that I had around 1500 to 2000 calories for the day :( Why am I so weak?? I will try to fast tomorrow, at least until dinner time. I may need to eat dinner with the moms tomorrow, but I'm sure I can eat lightly.

I am staying at the other moms' house this week (starting tonight). Normally I'd be thrilled that I could be alone, but I always binge like crazy in this house. I am terrified that I will mess up all the hard work I've done in the last week. I definitely already gained from what I ate today :( God, why the hell am I so weak???

I hate myself.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Is it normal to be afraid of food?

I don't think that is normal... Today was an odd day. I got up at 6:30 am, even though I could have slept till 7:30 am, because the dogs barking woke me up. I was down a pound this morning to 174.8, which mad me happy :)

I went to work, and was less dizzy and lightheaded than usual. For the last week, since I started taking the green tea pills, I've been lightheaded after I take them. However, even though I didn't get as dizzy today, something else horrible happened.

Promise to not laugh?? Ok, here it is:
I lost control of my bowels. I pooped my pants. Thank god I was wearing a pad anyway (because of my period), or else my underwear would have been totally soaked instead of partially soaked. I ran to the bathroom as soon as it happened, and washed my underwear. It was horribly humiliating, and I am sooooo lucky that no one came in while I was doing it. I am so embarrassed. How does this happen? I'm not a baby! I have control of myself!

This has happened twice before, but once I was fasting (and therefore my body hadn't had anything solid to poop out in a few days, hence the liquid poop) and the other time I was abusing laxatives (nuff said). So why did this happen now?? Ugg. I ended up going home early because I felt humiliated, on top of feeling cold, shaky, and nauseated. I took an hour nap and now I'm feeling a little better, but I just can't get over the fact that I pooped my pants!

I know it's likely because of a) the green tea pills, b) the fact that I haven't been eating a whole lot, or c) all the soda I've been drinking and the gum I've been chewing (aspartame has a laxative effect). But if it's the green tea pills, why didn't it happen before today? Today was the fourth day of taking those pills. I just don't want this to happen again, which is why I'm trying to figure out why it's happening.

Sorry for the overshare...
Here is my intake for the day:
- Breakfast: 3 gummy vitamins (23) and Diet Sierra Mist (0)
- Lunch: 2 grapes (6) and Diet Coke (0)
- Dinner: Not yet consumed, but probably 200 calories of something
Total calories: 229

Or I might not eat any dinner, in which case the total calories would be 29. Who knows... I know I should probably eat something, but I'm scared to. Isn't that dumb?

I love you guys :) Sorry I'm not more upbeat today. Stay strong <3

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I just want to take a nap

Do you ever get so tired that you just want to nap forever? I'm not even that physically tired, but my job tires me out so much mentally, that sometimes I just want to go to bed when I get home. Grr... However, I was 175.8 this morning, so I lost 1.8 pounds since yesterday!! That's exciting :)

Here is my intake for today:
- Breakfast: String cheese (60) and Diet Coke (0)
- Lunch: Diet Coke (0) and Starbucks shaken black iced tea (130)
- Dinner: Spaghetti (255)
Total calories: 445

I asked my coworker to bring me an UNSWEETENED black iced tea from Starbucks, but the fuckers at Starbucks messed up and put sugar in it. So I got 130 calories instead of 0. But overall, not a horrible intake for the day. Although it would have been 130 calories less if those idiots had listened! Sometimes I feel really freaking crazy. I mean, who really cares if it's sweetened or not??? Well, a person with an eating disorder, that's who!

Ok, so remember: If you're having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, it could be worse. You could look like an old penis with buck teeth! Stay strong <3
(this is a naked mole rat, btw)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Today was fantastic! I did a lot at work and was really productive, but also didn't work too hard. The office put out a job advertisement this morning, and by 5 pm we already had 45 resumes! Jeez, people must be really desperate. I spent the last hour of work going through the resumes and making piles: yes, no, and maybe. The "yes" pile already has at least 10 resumes of people we want to interview. WOW.

Ok, so here is my fabulous intake:
- Breakfast: 7 raspberries (7) and Diet Coke (0)
- Lunch: Diet Sierra Mist (0)
- Dinner: HUGE salad (30) with fat-free Italian dressing (20) and croutons (30)
Total calories: 87

How is that possible?? I wasn't even hungry until like 5 pm!! I think the green tea pills are working, honestly. I had a ton of energy almost all day, and I wasn't hungry at all until the evening. Wow! Sorry, I'm just so amazed at this...

After work, a bunch of coworkers and I had a craft night at the office. It was super fun! We ordered dinner and chatted (and it was super easy to just order a salad, because they all know I'm on a diet, and my other coworker is also dieting), and I am almost finished knitting my sock now! I've been trying to finish this dumb sock all summer, so thank goodness it's almost finished :)

OH! Also, I just want to mention that I was 177.6 this morning! I lost 1.6 pounds (down from 179.2 yesterday). I'm really hoping to be 175.something tomorrow, but we'll see how that goes. After only having 87 calories today, it might be possible... I hope!! :) :) :)

On another note, I've been doing something this week that I really like. I got the idea from Wren; I've been trying to integrate a new habit into my life each week. So this is week 1, and my goal is to take all my pills every day. I take an antibiotic pill, an allergy pill, a green tea pill, and a multivitamin every morning. I take another green tea pill at lunch, and another antibiotic pill at dinner. So far (it's day 3), I've taken all my pills every day! Yay for that :) I don't know what next week's goal will be, but I'll figure it out.

Ok, how about some thinspo?? These are all pictures of supermodel Candice Swanepoel (warning, partial nudity on the last pic). Enjoy! She's hot and gorgeous and skinny :) Stay strong <3

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Can't sleep, earwigs will eat me

I couldn't sleep last night, so I spent an hour on blogger reading people's old blogs :) It was a great way to beat insomnia. I had a freaky dream that I was being attacked by spiders, and then I woke up and thought one was crawling on me. I tried to calm myself down and convince myself that I was fine, but then I thought, what if there are earwigs crawling on me??? That totally freaked me out, so I got up and went to the bathroom. Just a little background on the earwigs: apparently, there is a huge population of earwigs invading the Midwest this summer. When I was cat-sitting a few weeks ago, the house was full of them, and they completely freak me out. They are so creepy! So anyway, that's why I couldn't sleep (earwigs will eat me). Fucking earwigs...

I'm sorry, I'm a little nutso. But we already knew that, didn't we?
On a slightly more sane note, here is my intake:
- Breakfast: 10 raspberries (10)
- Lunch: Diet Coke (0)
- Dinner: Small Med salad from Noodles & Co (150) and Diet Sierra Mist (0)
Total calories: 160

Yep, that's pretty amazing! I'm really proud of myself :) I hope this pays off tomorrow! I was going to work out, but I'm so tired from working all day... I think I'll be alright without a workout. Bleh.

Hey, guess what? Well, I have three exciting bits of news.
Exciting news #1: I got a scale yesterday! It's beautiful! I love it. It's a Health-o-Meter. I know it works correctly, because I weighed myself on it and my old scale at two different times, and they're almost the same. Yay! I'm super excited. It saves the last five weigh-ins you do, and then compares them and tells you how much you've lost since each weigh-in. Pretty sweet.
Exciting news #2: I got green tea diet pills! I know, I said I wouldn't get any, but I changed my mind. I mean, it's Green Tea. It's basically just herbs. I already am feeling a difference. I took one this morning and one at lunch, and I had more energy and was less hungry all day. I have 120 pills, or a 60 day supply ($10 at Wal-Mart!). The only side effect that I'm noticing so far is that about 4 hours after I take a pill, I start to feel a little lightheaded and spacey, and that lasts for about an hour. For example, I took my first pill at 4 am (I was awake from the earwig dream), and around 8 am I was feeling really spacey and lightheaded. But by 9 or 10 am, it was gone. Odd...
Exciting news #3: I lost three pounds! I was 179.2 this morning. Oh my gosh, how does that happen?? I thought I did pretty poorly yesterday, so how on earth did I lose three pounds?? Well, 2.8 pounds, but whatever. I love it, either way.

So today was pretty great. My job was crazy, because of the office manager quitting yesterday (btw, Wren, I didn't get promoted, but I now have more responsibility). I took at least 6 referrals, I think, which is an insane amount!

Ok, well I hope everyone is doing well! Stay strong ladies <3

Monday, July 12, 2010

Crazy day at work

Today at work, the office manager quit. I've been fed up with her behavior for a while, because she never does any work. She only had two responsibilities: checking private insurance and making appointment reminder calls. And she only did one (checking private insurance), while I did the other for her. I was hoping she'd be fired, but she flipped out today and quit. I will miss her, because she's a nice person, but I'm glad she's gone. After she left, I learned how to check insurance and take referrals, thank goodness, because the other office worker can't do everything by herself! Gosh, so much drama!

My intake was alright, but not great. Here it is:
- Breakfast: 10 raspberries (10)
- Lunch: Snow peas and water chestnuts (48), veggie lo mien (220), and 2 fortune cookies (70)
- Snack: Mini Crunch bar (52) and mini Butterfinger (45)
- Dinner: 1 piece of Schwan's pizza (240)
Total calories: 685

I was hoping to stay under 500 calories, but I was coerced into buying lunch at work, so I ended up eating more than I should have. However, I'm still under 800 calories, so it's ok :) I was going to work out, but I wanted to get home in time to go to Sam's Club with my bf's mom... but then we didn't even go! So I'll work out tomorrow... or maybe I'll drive over there tonight. I haven't decided yet. Either way, there is a work out in my future.

I finally weighed myself this morning, and I'm 182. However, this is likely due to both my Saturday binge day and the fact that I'm on my period. I feel nasty and bloated :( But I'm sure I can lose it quickly. I want to be 175 next Monday (July 19th).

Stay strong ladies! I love you all <3

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Getting a scale today!

I'm getting a new scale today, because I'm tired of not being able to weigh myself. I thought about getting some diet pills too, but I'm aways afraid that I won't be able to lose weight without them if I stopped taking them. So I think I won't get any.

I ended up eating a lot yesterday at 6 Flags, which is unfortunate. But I also sat in the car for 10 hours (burning 1,569 calories) and walked around for 7 hours (burning 1,648 calories). Plus I sweated up a storm! So hopefully there isn't too much damage. But I had a ton of fun! 6 Flags is awesome. Unfortunately, my feet hurt a ton all day (because of my Achilles tendinitis and plantar fasciitis), so I couldn't ride as many rides as I wanted to.

But anyway, here is what I've eaten so far today/plan to eat:
- Breakfast: None (sleeping)
- Lunch (already eaten): 4 pancakes (180)
- Dinner (not eaten yet): None (I'm planning on telling one family that I'm eating with the other family, and vice versa, thereby skipping dinner altogether)
Total planned calories: 180

I texted Robin all yesterday. Robin, I just want to say that you are awesome! Thanks for being there to support me.

I have a goal that I want to meet. I am probably around 180 right now, so I want to be 150 by August 23rd (the day of school registration). That requires that I lose 5 pounds per week between now and then, which is completely doable. Especially since I usually lose 10 pounds in the week after a binge (like next week). So then I'd be ahead of schedule! Let's hope that happens. Between now and August 23rd, I will eat under 500 calories per day. NO EXCUSES. There will be no fuck ups. None. Zip. Nada.

LET'S DO THIS. Game on.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wow, I'm totally nutso...

It's true, you know it ;) Today at work, I had a coworker get me a large Diet Coke from Burger King. When it came, I started drinking it and realized it tasted a little odd. Then I thought, what if it isn't really  Diet?? The more I thought about it, the more I thought it tasted like regular Coke instead of Diet Coke. I had two other coworkers taste it, and they both said it tasted like a mixture of Diet and regular, because it wasn't strong enough to be all regular Coke. I'm thinking it was about half-and-half, and I tried to forget about it and drink it, but I couldn't finish it. I couldn't stop thinking about how many calories it could be if it were regular Coke! A large Coke from Burger King has 390 calories in it, while a large Diet Coke has 0. So if it were half-and-half, it would have 195 calories. I'm thinking that the BK worker started putting regular Coke in my cup, then realized it was supposed to be a Diet Coke, so switched it to Diet Coke, and that's how it got mixed. Arg! I am a woman-obsessed... totally nutso.

In other news, here is my intake:
- Breakfast: Diet Dr. Pepper (0)
- Lunch: Coke/Diet Coke (195) and a broccoli and cheese tray (40)
- Snack: 1 Andes Creme de Menthe (47), 1 marshmallow (25), and 3 chips (35)
- Dinner: Veggie fried rice (130)
Total calories: 473

I wish I could have just dumped the Coke/Diet Coke out, but a) I didn't want to look crazy and b) I really needed the caffeine. Grr. Tomorrow I'm going to Six Flags Great America with my bf's family and my bf, so I should be walking around a whole lot :) However, because of my foot injury, I can't walk too much. Gotta be careful.

Wish me luck for restricting while being with my bf's family all day! Stay strong <3

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Another good day!!

Rawr! That's what I have to say :)

Today I had work from 8 am to 6 pm, so a VERY long day. The office manager has been sick all week with a kidney infection, so I've been sitting in her spot and greeting all the clients. This, combined with answering the phones and having a ton of work anyway, has made this week (and today especially) really busy and stressful. Also today, I had a doctor appointment. Luckily he didn't call me obese this time or comment on my weight! Lol.

My intake was alright today:
- Breakfast: Fiber One yogurt (50) and Diet Coke (0)
- Lunch: Nerd Rope (90), Sour Patch Kids (44), and Diet Coke (0)
- Dinner: 2 marshmallows (50) and veggie fried rice (350)
Total calories: 584

Not horrible, not fabulous either. I might work out later (45 minutes on the stationary bike), but I haven't decided yet. I hope you all have a great evening! Stay strong <3

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

A little better today...

Hey girlies! Today was a lot better than the last few days, but not as good as it could be :) Here is my intake:

- Breakfast: Vitamin Water Zero (0)
- Lunch: 3 fudge cookies (330), broccoli and cheese tray (40), Diet Coke (0)
- Dinner: Alfredo pasta with mushrooms (330) and Vitamin Water Zero (0)
Total calories: 700

I wanted to stay below 500, but if I go above that then staying below 800 is a must. And I did that, so it's still alright. I really shouldn't have had those cookies, but they looked so good! I also worked out on the stationary bike for 45 minutes and did 100 crunches. That burned off 445 calories :)

I should mention that the house I'm staying at this week doesn't have a scale, so I have no idea what I weigh. Last time I weighed myself (on Saturday), I was 179 pounds. So I'm hoping that by the time I go back to the house with the scale, I will be back to 171. Although with the kind of days I've been having, I doubt that will happen. I will probably go back to the other house on Sunday evening, so I will be able to weigh again on Monday morning.

How have you all been doing??
Here is a hilarious video: please watch!
Israeli Soldiers Dancing to Ke$ha

Have a fantastic evening!! Stay strong <3

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Still not doing well...

WHY??? Why can't I just do well, for once??? So frustrated!

I binged on s'mores (1300 calories), and purged about half of it. So I'd say I kept 700 calories in me. I would have purged more, but I didn't drink any water during my binge, so after a few purges I couldn't get anything up anymore. And then my bf's parents came home, so that was the end of that.

I work at a counseling clinic, and today I was unmotivated to work so I diagnosed myself. Here it is:

Axis I:      300.02     Generalized Anxiety Disorder
                311          Depressive Disorder- NOS
                307.5       Eating Disorder- NOS
Axis II:                     Deferred
Axis III:                   Chronic Achilles tendinitis
Axis IV:                   Moderate stressors
Axis V:                    Current GAF = 55

To decifer this for you:
Axis I is pretty obvious- I have Generalized Anxiety, depression, and EDNOS.
Axis II is for personality disorders and mental retardation, which I don't think I have.
Axis III is for general medical conditions. I have chronic Achilles tendinitis from being a dancer, and it makes it hard for me to function in daily life. For example, I can't do any exercise besides biking, swimming, and occasionally the elliptical machine. I can't stand up for long periods of time, so I can't go shopping or hiking. Basically, it sucks.
Axis IV is psychosocial and environmental factors, such as problems with the primary support system, problems with social environment, educational problems, housing problems, economic problems, occupational difficulties, legal difficulties, and transportation difficulties. I don't have enough of an understanding of Axis IV to fully diagnose myself, but I'd say that I have moderate stressors, especially in the social environment area.
Finally, Axis V is the GAF: Global Assessment of Functioning. Scores range from 1 to 100. 1 to 10 means persistent danger of hurting self or others OR persistent inability to maintain minimal personal hygiene OR serious suicidal act with clear expectation of death. 51 to 60 means moderate symptoms OR moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning. 100 means you function perfectly and don't need any therapy at all. I'd say that I'm about 55, but I can't tell without the actual scale. And trust me, I tried to get the scale, but it is not available.

So, there it is. Those are my self-diagnoses. As I am a psychology major, I feel that these diagnoses are pretty accurate. I bet you $10 that once I actually see a shrink, these will be my diagnoses, lol.

Well, let's hope that tomorrow is better than the last few days have been! Love you skinnies :)

*** EDIT ****
Just did the stationary bike for 45 minutes, plus 200 crunches, 20 jumping jacks, 10 push-ups, and 5 minutes of free weights. Burned 564 calories according to! That counteracts my binge a bit, so I'm happy again :) Stay strong lovelies!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Not doing so well...

Feeling self-destructive. I binged and purged tonight. That's something I haven't done in months. I also started smoking today... as if my throat needed any more torture.

I hope everyone is doing better than me :) Stay strong.