Monday, August 30, 2010

Tie Dye and Apple Pie

Hi ya'll! It's great to hear from you all :) I love seeing your pretty comments. I just wish I could see your pretty faces too! I hope you are all doing wonderfully.

I think this semester is going to be great. I like four of my classes, and am not so sure about the other one. I also convinced the professor that I'm TAing for that I need to leave halfway through class every time, because I need to eat lunch. No way am I sacrificing lunch for a class I've already taken! I also got my work hours mostly straightened out. I am working 6 hours (for now) at the Audio/Visual Media Services department, and I have three hours per week of tutoring so far. I still haven't heard back from one of my tutees, but that's fine. I am holding two positions in my sorority this semester too (Parliamentarian and Assistant Secretary), but neither of those require a whole lot of work.

So I think this is going to be good! We had our first sorority recruitment event yesterday evening (Tie Dye and Apple Pie!) and it was a ton of fun. I tie dyed a shirt green and white (our sorority colors), although I have yet to see it, because it's being laundered. I also ate delicious homemade apple pie and chatted up potential new members. Lots of fun! Last semester, I hated recruitment, because I was hating my sorority and couldn't stand to see any other girls being roped into something horrible like I was. But now I'm in a better place with it, and the meds definitely help, so I'm excited for recruitment! I hope I get a little sister (finally)! I met a really cute sophomore that I definitely wouldn't mind having as a little sister :)

I have been a little weird about food lately. I gorged on chocolate last week, and I don't think it was just because of my period. I just need to not buy the chocolate, and then everything will be fine. I have also read a few pro-ED blogs in the past few days (because I miss my old friends!) and that probably wasn't the best idea. I find myself being jealous of girls who can starve and lose weight easily. While I know that it's not good for me and it doesn't make me happy, I still miss it sometimes. But I have made a commitment to not relapsing while I'm on the Lexapro (or ever, but it feels more important to not relapse on the Lexapro). I feel that starting to take antidepressants is like turning over a new leaf for me. I feel like the person I was before I got depressed and started cutting and started starving/bingeing/purging. So I will not let myself engage in unhappy behaviors while I'm happy like this! I hope that makes sense :)

Well, that's all I've got for now! I hope your day is beautiful. Stay strong <3

Friday, August 27, 2010

So busy...

Sorry I haven't been posting! I've been incredibly busy the past few days. Classes started on Tuesday, and since then I have been swamped. On top of my five classes and my TA period, I also have two jobs. I work in the audio/visual media services department at my school (despite having no skills in that area) and I am also an organizational tutor. This means that I tutor students with disabilities on how to get organized for college life. This is the first year that my school has had this program, so it's a learning experience for all of us. I've only had one tutoring session with one student so far, but I've been assigned two more and I'm just waiting to hear back from them. So basically I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I'm seriously hoping this slows down a little bit, because I don't have time for ANYTHING anymore. For example, I have been meaning to buy condoms from the health center all week, but I literally haven't been near the health center during it's open hours since Monday. Today I have work for two hours (right now), class for an hour, lunch, tutoring, and then I might do some laundry. And then hopefully I can relax a little bit! I want to get enough homework done tonight that I don't feel like I need to do homework all weekend too.

I've been doing alright food-wise. I've been eating normal meals, although I might be eating a little too much dessert. However, I do have my period this week, so I think the extra chocolate consumption is excusable. I'm trying not to worry too much about the food, and just enjoy my first week back at college.

Well I hope you are all doing fantastically! I will probably post again this weekend :-) Stay strong!

Monday, August 23, 2010


Hi guys! I just wanted to update you on my class schedule for this semester. I'm taking 5.5 credits (1 credit = 1 class at my school), which is a serious overload for most people. Normally people take 4 classes per semester. Here are my classes:

- Writing 100 – Cells, Pods, and Links
- Religious Studies 101 – Religious Traditions in a Global Context
- Math 103 – Cultural Approaches to Math
- Interdisciplinary Studies 259 – Dinosaurs: Their Lost World
- Psychology 210 – Life-Span Developmental Psych
- Teaching Assistant for Personality Psychology

I am a psychology major, and normally I take a whole lot more psych classes than this. However, this semester there are very few psych classes being offered for some reason, and the ones that are being offered are the ones I've already taken. So my options were very limited. But it's kind of a good thing, because it means that I can get some classes outside of my major! My school requires that you take a certain number of classes outside of your major, and I'm having a hard time finding enough classes that I am actually interested in. I really only like psychology, unfortunately. Grr. But hopefully these classes will be good! If I end up getting super stressed and not being able to handle all five classes, I will likely drop Writing 100. But hopefully I can handle it! Yay school!

My classes start tomorrow, and I have Math 103 at 8 am, then my teaching assistant class at 10 am, and then my dinosaurs class at 12 pm. And then I have my life-span psych class from 7 to 9 pm... so tomorrow will be super busy! And I'm working in the afternoon after my classes, so basically I have no free time. But it's ok, because I'm excited for my classes!!!

Well, it's really late and I have to get up at 6:30 am, so I'll talk to you all later! Stay strong <3

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I'm back at college! I'm am so excited, it's not even funny :-)
Seriously, I can't wait to start my classes, and I can't wait to see all my friends. I've seen some people so far, but not as many as I'd like to see. We have add/drop and registration tomorrow, and classes start Tuesday. My room is about half-way unpack and put away. It looks way better than it did a couple of hours ago, but it's still a total wreck. Right now I'm avoiding unpacking and waiting for my bf to call me so we can go eat dinner. FOOD!! I'm so hungry right now. I haven't eaten since breakfast. Not on purpose, it just wasn't possible, and then I forgot. Oopsies...

Well, I should stop procrastinating. I'll update you on my class dilemma when I know what I'm taking for sure! Yay school! (I know, I shouldn't be this excited, but whatever)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My little sister

So my little sister (let's call her Sally, which is not her real name but I doubt she'd want her real name on here) knows about my food issues. She doesn't really understand them though, which is fine because many people don't. I talk to her about once a week, which is great because we used to fight all the time, so it's fantastic to finally have a good relationship with her :-) Yesterday I was talking to her, and we were talking about blogs. She has a blog, which is hysterical by the way (she is hilarious!!), and she blogs pretty much every day. I mentioned that I had 91 followers on my blog, and she was like, "Why can't I read your blog?" Well, I said something about that it was an ED recovery blog and I doubted she'd be interested. But she insisted that she did want to read it and she would be interested, so I gave her the link. So now my little sister is reading this blog... I think that's ok with me, as long as she doesn't share anything she reads with anyone else (especially our parents!!).

Another thing to mention about my sister is that even though she's 18, she does NOT want to hear me talk about sex. She doesn't want any advice and she doesn't want to hear about me having sex. Lol. So I told her that I sometimes talk about sex on this blog, and she was like WHY?? I said, well some people find it interesting, plus this is MY blog and I'm anonymous so I can basically talk about whatever I want. She thought that was very weird. I dunno, I always thought that talking about sex was completely normal... maybe that's just me though :)

Well, all that said, I love my little sister. She's completely amazing and I'm glad she's in my life. Since I've gone on Lexapro, I've realized how much I used to take for granted. My life is actually pretty good: I have a great boyfriend, a caring family, I go to a good college, I have a nice job, etc. I should be really grateful, and now I am. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that I just feel like hugging everyone! Silly, but I feel that way sometimes ;-) Yesterday on the phone, I wished my sister was there so I could give her a big hug! But unfortunately, she's in Oregon and I'm in Wisconsin... sad.

Well, I gots to shower... my boyfriend's family and I are going to his cousin's wedding this afternoon, but it's four hours away so we have to leave soon. I don't really want to go (I would rather be going back to school like everyone else is today!) but obviously I don't have much of a choice. Hopefully the food will be good at least! I hope everyone's weekends go splendidly!! Stay strong lovies <3

Friday, August 20, 2010

One more day...

(This actually is a picture taken at my college, although I'm not in it)

One more day until I go back to school... Today I'm supposed to be packing, but it's 10 am and I don't feel like starting yet. Plus my boyfriend is out shopping at Sam's for snacks for us to take back to school with us, and he has the car so I can't even get to the stuff I need to pack. So for now, I'm stuck on the couch. Poor me (haha, not!). I got to sleep in this morning, which was fantastic! I feel like I haven't gotten to sleep in all summer.

Yesterday was my last day of work! I made brownies for everyone (I'm one of those weirdos who does nice things for other people when it's my special day - on my birthday, I made coconut macaroons for everyone else). My boss and the other office girls got me a "Good Luck!" card and took me out to lunch at Noodles and Co. It was delicious! Thelma and Carly also took my boyfriend and I out to dinner at Fazoli's, which was alright. It was a little awkward because I'm still upset with Carly, but I have to pretend that I'm not.

I also made homemade cards and brownies for all of my bf's parents as a "thank you" for letting me stay at their houses all summer. Here is a picture of the card I made for Patty and Gabi:
Here are the remnants of the brownies I made them two nights ago!
I think they enjoyed them, don't you? They are my special recipe, and they are the richest, most chocolatey brownies I have ever tasted. If you want the recipe, just shoot me a comment. They are delicious! I do realize that this is an ED blog though, so I'm not sure how many of you will actually want to eat brownies :-)

I can't wait to get back to school! I am a little disappointed though, because I just found out that the Sculpture class I was trying to add is full now :-( I was really hoping to take five classes this semester, but maybe this is for the best. I'm still looking to see if there's another class I might want to add instead. But anyway, I seriously can't wait to see all my friends again! I love you guys, but I need people in real life too :)

Well, I hope your Fridays are fantastic! Keep smiling :-)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I made sushi with my boyfriend for dinner and it was delicious! Here is a picture (if you click on the pictures, they get bigger and easier to see):
 Here is my boyfriend being a super cutie :)
 And the kitty!!! This kitty is soooo cute :)

Kitty kitty kitty! I love that kitty. Her real name is Smoky Bones, but I just call her kitty.

And last but not least, my boyfriend and I. He is the love of my life <3

**Picture deleted for privacy**

In other news, I had a scare today. I had an appointment with the nurse prescriber and obtained a prescription for Lexapro. But then I was searching online and found out that a) there is no generic of Lexapro, and b) my insurance will make me pay $50 minimum for a month's supply of Lexapro. WTF??? That's completely ridiculous. There is no way my mom will pay that much money for psych meds for me. No way in hell. So I went back in to the nurse's office and they gave me 9 weeks worth of samples. Free meds! I'm fairly positive that they would give me free meds forever if I needed them. The nurse's assistant said she'd rather see me happy than keep the samples to herself ;-) I love my work, they're amazing. I feel a little bit (ok, a lot) guilty because I don't want to be a burden on anybody. I also feel really guilty for taking the samples, because they only have so many and I don't want to eat up all their resources. But the nurse's assistant told me that there were a lot of people in the office that they gave samples because they couldn't afford their meds either. So I feel a little better. But still...

Ok, that's it for now! I love you all, you are wonderful. Thanks for being amazing! Stay strong <3

Monday, August 16, 2010

100th Post!

I can't believe I've made it to 100 posts! I also have 90 followers, which is completely amazing as well. Thank you all so much for sticking with me since the beginning, or for joining me on my journey. It's crazy what has happened since my first post. I started blogging after I'd already lost 20 pounds in a month. I started blogging because I was struggling and I wanted support, and that's exactly what I found here. You guys are my best friends, and I love you all so much! I really and truly appreciate you with all my heart.

And look at me now! I am so glad I chose recovery. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I was happier. I was talking to Thelma today (bf's mom who I like) and she said that at the beginning of the summer she didn't really like me that much. She said she couldn't figure out why I seemed so unhappy, and she had assumed that she was doing something wrong. She obviously didn't know that I was so unhappy because I was torturing myself! Now that she knows, she says it makes so much more sense.

I'm glad that I am happier now, truly. Even though recovery sucks sometimes and is super scary, it's the best thing for me. I can actually enjoy life instead of run away from it. I can't imagine living with my ED right now. This upcoming semester I'm taking 5 classes, being a TA for another class, working at three jobs, and holding two positions within my sorority. I literally don't have any time to be lost in my ED. I also can't imagine focusing on school while starving again. It got really bad last semester and I had to eat normally during finals because I just couldn't concentrate when I was so hungry and obsessed. Seriously, I am the happiest girl in the world to be a little more free than before of this evil thing called an eating disorder.

Thank you all again for sticking with me! As celebration for my 100th post, I'm posting another picture of me. This time, a healthy picture! I'm NOT starving in this picture :)

**Picture deleted for privacy reasons**

This is my boyfriend and I making silly faces! Isn't he the cutest thing you have ever seen?! He is the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides recovery of course), and he is completely supportive of me, no matter what. I want to marry him someday (shh, don't tell him, lol).

Ya'll are amazing and awesome and fantastic and I love each and every one of you. Even if I don't read your blog anymore because it would be triggering, even if I don't know you, even if you don't comment. I still love you. Stay strong lovelies <3

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The bad and the good

I had a confrontation with Carly (my bf's mom who I don't like that much) today. I went over with a peace offering (chocolate baked goods) and she cornered me. She asked if I was still upset with her, and I said yes. We had a conversation about why I was frustrated with her, and she basically tried to invalidate all my feelings about her. It was very, very frustrating. Then she told me that I had been rude to her all summer and she wasn't the only one who thought so (although she wouldn't specify who said that, so I don't know if it's really true). My feeling is that if someone has a problem with me, they should say something to my face, not tell the president of the company behind my back. I asked my direct boss (the office manager) last week if I needed to work on anything, and she said she couldn't think of anything. So is there really a problem or is she making it up? She said that Thelma agreed with her, but I haven't had a chance to talk to Thelma about it yet, so I'm not sure that's true either.

This completely sucks. I feel like every time I think things are going well, then something like this happens. What is wrong with me? Why do I always screw up when I have a good thing going? This is so frustrating. I can't even express what I'm feeling right now. Arg!

But I digress. In terms of food, I'm actually doing pretty well. I went to a church picnic today and had corn of the cob. This doesn't sound out of the ordinary, but the kicker is that I watched them dip it in a vat of butter before giving it to me. I almost had a freak-out, but I took a breath and ate it anyway. I did not think about how many calories of butter I was consuming while I was eating it. Also, I went to Old Chicago for dinner, and I had a personal pizza with Chicago-style crust. I ate half of it and was full, so I stopped. Yes! Now I have lunch for tomorrow, and I wasn't overly full.

So although I'm doing well with my food, I'm still struggling with my emotions about Carly and Thelma. What should I do? I feel like I should just be really careful about what I say, and maybe I won't offend them again. I want to work for them again next summer, but maybe it's not a good idea anymore. Help me guys! I desperately need advice. Thanks in advance!

Stay strong everyone <3

Friday, August 13, 2010

Need for control

Sometimes I feel like going back to starving, even though I know it's not good for me. I read some of my friends' blogs here (which I shouldn't really do anyway because it's triggering, but they're my friends, I can't just abandon them!) and I miss it. I miss having control like that. I miss the accomplished feeling of losing 2 pounds in a day. I miss meeting my weight goals and being happy all day because of it. I miss knowing that I am stronger than all those people who need to eat. I miss feeling skinny.

It's not that I really want to go back, because I realize that it's not a sustainable lifestyle (for me at least). My original plan was to starve myself skinny and then go into recovery when I got home from school in December. I am going to Australia for study abroad in February, and I don't want to be obsessed with food while I'm over there. I actually want to enjoy myself, not be worried about my weight the whole time! But anyway, I just want the control back. Sometimes I feel like starving was the only thing I was good at, and now what do I have? Of course, deep down I know that's not true. I am a valued employee at my workplace. People appreciate the things I do. I'm a good student (3.76 GPA, thank you very much). I'm intelligent and semi-attractive and I'm good at many things. I just have to believe in myself, I guess.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, and that's good because I'm afraid that I've gained more. I'm definitely scared to face the scale, and I will have to look eventually. Like I've said before, if I get above 190, something will have to change. I think when I get back to school, I'm going to eat like a normal person and not worry too much about what kind of food I'm eating, but I'm going to cut back on the dessert. Last year I ate dessert with practically every meal, and that's not really alright. So I'm thinking that maybe 1 dessert or less per day would be a good start, and then once I get used to that, then I can cut back more if I feel it's necessary. But I don't want to cut it out altogether, because then I'll get obsessive again. Did you know that's what started this relapse in March? I decided to cut out dessert and soda, and within a week I was hardcore restricting and purging again. Wow. It obviously doesn't take much to trigger me, so I have to be careful.

I love you ladies, you know that. You are my sunshines :) Stay strong everyone!

Thursday, August 12, 2010


What is love? (haha, now I've got that Haddaway song stuck in my head) There are many different kinds of love: self-love, love for your friends, love for your parents, love of a significant other, love for your pets, love of your job or hobbies, etc. So what does that make love? I've heard that love is patient and love is kind, love does not boast, is not easily angered, is not rude or self-seeking. It also always trusts, protects, hopes and perseveres. So what happens if you are experiencing something that doesn't do one or more of those things? How can you never get angry with someone that you love? How can you ALWAYS trust someone that you love? I love my boyfriend, but I get angry at him sometimes. I love my parents, but I sure as heck don't trust them very much. Love is probably the most confusing emotion ever, I think.

I wish that I could love myself more than I do. If I loved myself, I would be more free to love others, like my boyfriend and my friends, etc. I think that loving myself means taking care of myself. It also means letting myself feel emotions, even if I don't like them. It means not overeating because I'm stressed. It means standing up for myself when I feel threatened or violated. It also means liking my body just the way it is.

This is going to be my goal of this semester of school. Here are my goals, in writing so I don't forget them.

Goal #1: Take care of myself (eat healthy foods, drink enough water, get enough sleep)
Goal #2: Be assertive and don't let myself get trampled on.
Goal #3: Ask for help when I need it.
Goal #4: Work hard at school but still take time for myself.

What are your goals? What do you think love is? Do you love yourself?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Telling my mom

Thanks for all your kind comments about Thelma and Carly! I really appreciate that I'm not completely crazy and alone in thinking that Thelma would be much better without Carly :)

Did I tell you guys that I told my mom that I'm on meds? To give you some background, my mom doesn't like therapists and therapy, and she HATES psychiatric meds. So it's already really ironic that I'm a psych major and want to be a school counselor. You know what she said when I told her?

"What, did those people you're living with con you into taking meds??"

Ridiculous! Then she went on a long rant about how I don't need medication because I'm JUST FINE without it, until I finally stopped her and said, "Mom, can you just be quiet and let me talk for a minute? I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions about my mental health!"

I calmly explained to her that I have been really depressed, anxious, and having problems with my eating. She was freaking out and saying how sad she was for me and how she wished she could do something. Well let me take the freaking meds and get over it then! My mom is a firm believer in the "ignore-it-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist-and-maybe-it-will-go-away" method. It seems to work just fine for her, but it doesn't work for me anymore. Stuff doesn't just go away. That's how I ended up with chronic Achilles tendinitis instead of temporary Achilles tendinitis.

Anyhoo, my eating is going alright, but I'm eating a lot of junk unfortunately. I'm trying to not freak out about it, although it's hard sometimes. Today I ate Taco Bell for lunch, a Pay Day candy bar for snack, and pizza for dinner. Hmm, see a pattern here? I hope this pattern doesn't continue :( I haven't been counting calories though, and I haven't weighed myself... since Monday, lol. I weighed myself Monday, and I was 185 pounds. I guess that's alright. I'm not overjoyed about it, but I'm not miserable either. It's only a 10 pound gain from 175 (my cryptonite weight), so it's fine I suppose. Blarg. Recovery sucks ass sometimes, let me tell you. If I gain any more (over 190 pounds) I will definitely freak.

I love you ladies. Stay strong <3

Monday, August 9, 2010

Crazy parents

My boyfriend's parents are driving me NUTS! Let me just clarify something before I rant: my boyfriend has four moms. I live with one pair (let's call them Thelma and Carly) and I visit the other pair about once a week (let's call them Patty and Gabi). Thelma and Carly are the ones I live with, and they are starting to get on my nerves. Specifically, Carly is getting on my nerves. She and Thelma own the counseling business that I work for together. Carly is the owner and Thelma is the clinical director. I'm already in an awkward position because I work for them, but I hear things that others don't because I live with them. So when I'm having a personal issue with one of them, I can't say anything to anyone at work because that would be inappropriate.

Anyway, Carly sits on her ass all day while Thelma does all the work. For example, all Carly has done today is take my bf shopping and mess around with her computer. She rarely ever goes to work. Thelma has dealt with countless clients, and is still at work even though it's 7 pm. She'll probably still be there at 8 pm, and then she'll get to come home if she's lucky. Thelma has battled through a divorce, a mentally disabled child, and breast cancer, among other things. She is one of the strongest people I know. After Thelma gets home from work, most nights she still has to cook dinner and clean up the house, because Carly can't be bothered.

Carly sits on her ass all day long, and complains about how much she hurts. She has severe Restless Legs Syndrome and some sort of neurological disorder, but the doctors can't figure out what's wrong. Her body hurts many days, but some days it doesn't. She is constantly complaining about it, and when she does feel good, she'll go and overexert herself and then feel even worse the next day. She never does anything that Thelma asks her to do, even simple things like unloading the dishwasher! Thelma does EVERYTHING. On top of that, she treats Thelma like shit, and treats Thelma's daughter like she's not part of the family. Thelma has told me on numerous occasions that she wants to leave Carly.

The point of this long background story is that Carly is driving me nuts. On top of being lazy, she's also annoying. Her personality is grating, and if I'm in any sort of bad mood, she'll drive me up the wall. On Friday, I accidentally read a text from her to my boyfriend, saying that I was in hot water at work with my boss and that I was getting cocky and bossy. Of course, I know that's not true. And just to be sure, I asked my boss at work today if there is anything I need to work on, and she couldn't think of ANYTHING. So obviously she's lying, trying to turn my bf against me. Seriously lady, if you have a problem with me, say it to ME, not my boyfriend!! God...

I am so glad I'm going back to school in less than two weeks. I only have this week with Thelma and Carly, and then my boyfriend and I will go to live with Patty and Gabi on Saturday this week, until we leave for school. Only four more days with Carly!! I will miss Thelma though. She and I have become close, and we're a lot alike.

Well, I congratulate you if you got through all that!! It was long and possibly boring :) I love you guys, you know that. Stay strong <3

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I used to go to Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) meetings when I was in high school. Portland, OR used to have a great meeting, started by a good friend of mine, and I went every week. Unfortunately, the meeting had irregular attendance and it dissolved around Christmas last year :( Anyway, the reason I'm telling you all this is because in EDA, there is a saying that I really like.

Be an adult. This takes training and practice. Get some.

I love that! It's completely true. When you turn 18, you are legally an adult. But I think it's very rare that 18 year-olds actually act like adults. I mean, think about it: most 18 year-olds are in college, partying their asses off and acting like idiots. Even those college students who don't party will still be making some irresponsible decisions. According to a study done by the National Institutes of Health, the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. So 18 year-olds are definitely not adequately equipped to be making responsible decisions!

What this means is that people our age (I'm assuming that most of you are near age 18, or older) have to practice being adults, because it obviously doesn't come naturally. And yet, we are expected to act like adults when we turn 18, whether we are ready or not. So what can you do to practice being an adult? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Use appropriate language and tone when having conversations. Don't let your emotions get the best of you, and stay calm in sticky situations. Be polite under every circumstance.
2) Always be thinking about how people would interpret your actions, and act accordingly. Act like the person you want to be perceived as.
3) Learn how to communicate. This may seem obvious, but lack of communication is the biggest problem in most relationships.
4) Know when to be serious and when to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play.
5) Be open and honest about your faults and shortcomings. People will respect you more if you own up to your mistakes.
6) Go after what you want. Be assertive, but not aggressive or arrogant.

I want to mention that just because I am talking about acting like an adult, doesn't mean that I always do it. I'm not an expert. Just like eating disorder recovery, becoming an adult is a process. I celebrate progress, not perfection (in both recovery and adulthood). I hope you all will practice being adults, because practice makes progress.

You know I love you all <3 Stay strong, my little adults!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Date night

I went on a great date with my boyfriend tonight :) We went to Noodles and Company for dinner, then to a movie (Inception, which I've already seen but he wanted to see it so I went with him), and then we got Ben&Jerry's ice cream and chatted. It was fantastic :) All during the movie, we kissed periodically and whispered in each other ears. He is such a sweetheart. I'm so glad I have him! I don't think I could have found a better guy.

I also went shopping today with my bf's mom. We went to Lane Bryant, which I barely fit into anymore because I've lost so much weight. For those of you who don't know, Lane Bryant is a plus-size clothing store. Most of my shirts are from there, and I LOVE it. Their clothes are so cute, and they were the first clothes that actually fit me and looked good after I gained weight in high school. They can be a little pricey, but it's totally worth it because the clothes last forever. The only problem now is that their smallest size is 14/16, and I'm probably a 12 now, so stuff is a little bit sometimes. Anyway, I got four shirts from there. I also went to to Old Navy and got some cute dark-wash jeans. It's amazing when I can go shopping and find exactly what I want, fast! How does that happen??

I don't want to make it seem like my life is all roses and teacups, because it's definitely NOT. My boyfriend's parents are talking about splitting up, and I can't tell my boyfriend about it because he'll get really upset. And his parents keep telling me all about it... it's lots of fun (insert sarcasm here).

Also, I'm super broke. I have a bunch of money in my bank account, but I'm supposed to be saving it for the school year and study abroad. I'm really worried that I won't have enough money to actually have fun while I'm in Australia. I mean, what's the fun in studying abroad if you don't have enough money to buy food or do any touristy things? I hope it all works out...

Ok guys, I'm going to have lots of hot sex with my boyfriend now ;) Stay strong girlies <3

Friday, August 6, 2010


I love it. Seriously, I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was with my boyfriend again. Let me just say, I have bite marks all over my upper back, and two hickeys on the right side of my neck ;D

So basically all I did today was eat, sleep, and have sex. I'm about to have dinner with my bf's parents, his stepsister, and her son. It's a dinner for one of his mom's birthdays (which was actually on Wednesday, but she wanted to wait to celebrate until he got home). We're having yummy vegetable stir fry, and a Dairy Queen cake. I've only eaten two donuts and a little bit of Fiber One cereal today, so I'm super hungry. I didn't not eat on purpose, but I took a nap between noon and 4 pm, and by then it was too late to eat anything! Oopsies...

I hope you all are having a great day!! Thank you for all your wonderful comments. Love you to bits <3 Stay strong!

P.S. Peri, I totally gave him and high five from you, and he laughed :) It was great!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My boyfriend is coming home!!

My bf is coming home tonight, probably around 9 pm, and I am soooo excited! He sent me this really cute text today that said, "I can wait to see you... naked!" Lol. I can't wait to see him naked either ;) I am seriously deprived. And now that I'm not really depressed anymore (because of the meds and because I'm eating again), I actually have a sex drive! It's great.

I have been doing alright, foodwise, but I've been eating a whole bunch of crap. Like yesterday I ate four cupcakes. Really?? But the good news about that is that I don't really care all that much. I ate the cupcakes and didn't feel guilty about it. Normally I would be beating myself up like crazy over something like that, so this is good news! Also, I mentioned that I ate four cupcakes to my coworker, and she was all like "Oh, you should have had something healthier instead," and I totally didn't mind or care that she knew that I ate so many cupcakes. Normally I would NEVER tell anyone what I ate, and I would be humiliated if they knew. But I didn't really care. It's great!! I don't have the same amount of social anxiety that I used to, and it's fabulous.

So I only have two weeks until I go back to school! Two weeks from tomorrow will be my last day of work. Thank goodness! I love the people I work with, but sometimes the job is just horrible. Not always, but sometimes. However, I got this great phone call today from this lady who wanted therapy who told me that I would make a great therapist someday :) That was good. Today actually went pretty well, compared to the rest of the week. I barely had anything to do, so I actually got to sit around and chat for a bit. I also went to lunch at Panera Bread with my coworkers, which was a lot of fun.

Well, that's about it. Ya'll are great :) Stay strong lovies <3

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


The last few days have been alright. Well, at least on average. Yesterday was great and today sucked, so it averages out to alright. Yesterday I worked thirteen hours, which seems like it would have sucked, but I was in such a good mood that I didn't really care. My autism session was a little rough, because my client didn't want to do anything. And I was starving by the time I got home, but I was happy so it was alright :)

Today was horrible. This morning at 1 am, my boyfriend's mom burst into my room and asked to borrow my car (which isn't really mine, it's my boyfriend's other parent's car) because her grown-up daughter was sick and needed to go to the ER. The first thing I asked was, "Why can't you take your partner's car?" The cryptic answer to that was something about the partner needing to go to Sam's in the morning so she didn't want to lend the car out. WHAT? So I said yes, immediately regretting it. It's not my car, and she's a horrible driver, and it was the middle of the night. Plus, do I really want a sick person in my backseat, potentially puking or something?? Then I found out (after my bf's mom left with my car) that her partner doesn't want to lend her the car because she doesn't like that my bf's mom supports her daughter (who is grown and has a four year old son, but is developmentally disabled and bipolar). SO now I'm stuck in the middle of this fight between them, which will likely end in one of them leaving... fabulous.

I only got about four hours of sleep because of this fiasco, so I was exhausted this morning. Then I got to work, and a series of events occurred:
1) I had a confrontation with the psychiatric clinic coordinator, in which I yelled at her and thought I might lose my job (although I didn't, my boss backed me up).
2) My boyfriend's mom told me that the Google calendar system that I put into place might have to be pulled or completely changed, because she didn't think it through before she let me put it into place the first time. Fuck my life.
3) I kept getting dragged into the whole fight between my boyfriend's parents during the whole day, which doesn't sound like much, but I work for them and live with them, AND I can't say anything about their fight to my friends at the office because they work for my bf's parents too, so it would be inappropriate.

Plus I just got hassled by clients and generally hated my day. Death.
But the good news is, I know I can have bad days too! I was a little worried when I started the Lexapro that I wouldn't be able to have bad days, only good days, and that's not how life works. But now I know :) There's still me here, underneath all the happiness and energy!

Well, everyone have a great evening! I love you all :) Stay strong <3

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I have so much freaking energy...

Today was good too! No binge :) I went to Sam's Club with my bf's mom and got a lot of healthy food. We got bananas, strawberries, grapes, pineapple, watermelon, sugar snap peas, granola, yogurt, and granola bars. It's good when I'm excited about the food I get to eat! I'm actually looking forward to lunch tomorrow because it looks so tasty. Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Yogurt and 2 pieces of toast
- Lunch: Granola with skim milk and a granola bar
- Snack: Banana
- Dinner: Spaghetti with marinara sauce

I started to count calories this morning, but I stopped myself. It's really tempting though... I also really wanted to weigh myself before I showered, but I didn't. I miss counting calories... it's very comforting, and I need that.

I'm hoping the Lexapro kicks in soon. I had a freak-out this morning over my hair. I was going to church with my bf's mom for the first time, and I wanted to look nice. And of course, I decided that this morning would be a great time to cut my bangs, and they turned out funny. I cut off the tail on the end, and they turned out more straight across than sweeping to the side... it just looks off. So I had to put them up, and they need to grow out a bit before I can try to fix them. Ugg!! I'm hoping that once the meds kick in, I will get less anxious about things like that. I shouldn't get so anxious about meeting new people.

I have so much freaking energy today, it's not even funny. I've gotten so much done! Wow. If this is the Lexapro, jeez! I can't stop moving. I might just be insane, who know ;)

My boyfriend comes home on Thursday night!! I'm super excited. My period should be over by then (I hate being a woman sometimes, don't you?), so we can have some nice sexy time :) Yay yay yay!

I hope your weekends were lovely. Thanks again for all your support :) Stay strong <3