Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wow, I'm depressing


Ok, so I'm pretty sure that part of that last post was PMS. The funny thing is, my period never came... but I swear I had PMS. It's 5 days late at this point. No worries, I'm not preggers. Haha, that would be hilarious! I haven't been with anyone in over a year. I think it's the stress. I have never actually skipped a period before... interesting.

Speaking of sex... I have been contemplating reclaiming my virginity and not having sex again until marriage (Clarification: reclaiming my virginity doesn't mean pretending that I haven't had sex; it just means that I'm going to be a "virgin" in the sense that I won't have sex again till marriage. This is an edit, since I got a comment that made me think I needed to clarify.). My sister's going to laugh at me, I know it. I also know that she is going to say that I've gone all crazy Christian on her. Well, maybe I have. God is a huge part of my life, and that's the way I want it. Not that I'm going to get all preachy on you guys, but it's only fair that I share with you the most important thing to me. I can't talk about myself and not talk about God too. God has gotten me through some pretty tough stuff, and I trust Him to keep doing so. I am so thankful to be His child. But that's all I'll say, unless you guys want to talk about it.

Things have been better since I blogged last. Almost immediately after I blogged, stuff started calming down. I finished my thesis proposal and my grad school stuff is being put off until I receive comments from my professors on my personal statements. So I actually slept this week! I am trying to make God the center of my life, not school work. Yes, school is obviously important, but there are more important things in life. Am I really going to look back in 10 years and say, "Dang, I was so lazy! I should have tried harder." No! I will probably think, "Wow, I wish I had stressed less, slept more, and enjoyed life." So I have been trying. I had an exam that I didn't study for, and it was fine. I studied for about 30 minutes before the exam, couldn't answer half the questions, and still got a 91 percent. So you know what? It doesn't even matter. I'm not saying that I shouldn't study, but I am saying that I shouldn't freak out and not sleep and then stress after the exam about what grade I might have gotten. I can only do so much. I am only human.

So onward to the present! I am finishing up my graduate school applications during this weekend. They are due December 1st (well, the first one is, so I'm trying to get them all in by then). I am starting to have final projects and papers due, so I have to think about that. But whatever. I will get it done and not die in the process.

Today is Thanksgiving! Well, by the time I post this, it will be the day after Thanksgiving. But still. I stayed at school, which I also did last year. It is nice to have some time to myself. Of course, I actually have to start working tomorrow, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. The food was frickin delicious. My dining hall really goes all out on Thanksgiving :) Yumminess! I was briefly tempted to purge because I was so so so full (I will never eat again, that's how full I am), but it was a 30 second contemplation before I decided that a) it would be silly, and b) I was too lazy. For once, my laziness is paying off! Lol :)

Well, this blog has gotten long enough. I love you all, and I hope you had wonderful Thanksgivings too! I am thankful for you all <3

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Sooo... this weeks seems to be sucking more than last week. I have cried three times in the last twenty-four hours. I am just so burnt out. I keep going and going and going, but I'm not the Energizer Bunny and I can't go on forever. At some point, very soon, I will not be able to get back up again. I'm just so very tired. So very tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Everything seems like a struggle and I want to cry when I think about all of the things on my to-do list. And I don't even get a break. Every time I finish something, something else crops up. I am mostly finished with my thesis proposal and my grad school apps, but now it's time to think about final projects and papers and exams for my classes. It never ends. If this is what graduate school is like... I'm not going to make it! There's no way. I'm scared and I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't swim much longer before I start to sink.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Shuffling, every day I am

It's crazy that I haven't blogged in so long! It's been like 12 days! I'm so sorry, I have just been CRAAAAZY busy. The last two weeks are a blur. Let's start at the beginning. I've had a TON of stuff to do for graduate school applications. I wrote two personal statements in two days, and then another a few days later. Sleeping hasn't been happening much... I generally get 3-4 hours of sleep per night, but this week I had a period of 65 hours when I didn't sleep at all. I pulled two all-nighters, for a total of almost three days no sleep. It was super intense, and horribly exhausting (although kind of exhilarating at the same time!). I just had so much work with grad school stuff, homework, and thesis, that sleeping didn't happen. So yah, that was my last week.

Last weekend, I went to an amazing conference in Green Lake, Wisconsin. It was the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Fall Conference (aka CrossTraining). It was an awesome weekend! My track (class, basically) was called On Campus, On Purpose and it was just basics for living life as a Christian on a college campus. Kind of silly for me, since I'm a senior, but it was also good because I'm going to a difference campus for graduate school, and it had some basic stuff that I never knew about. There was some stuff about evangelism, some stuff about making sure that God is the leader of your life (not other things, like money or grades), and LOTS of worship! That's the best part :) It was an incredible weekend, and I want to go back!

So yah... that's pretty much been the last two weeks. I am hoping that this week will involve more sleep (hahaha yah right) and less crazy. Oh, and I haven't cut in over a week! I haven't really wanted to that much either :) My eating has been pretty much fine too.

Well, have a wonderful Sunday, everyone, and a great week! <3

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

This week has been... interesting. Partially because I am crazy busy, and partially because... I didn't really eat last week. For about six days, I ate salad for every meal. I ate a bit of oatmeal at breakfast twice, and a yogurt at lunch once, but otherwise salad. I skipped a lot of meals too. You might ask, what triggered this? Dude, beats me. Stress? I don't know. But the good news is that a friend was brave enough to say something about how worried she was about my behavior, which made me thing about how worried I was about myself, and that was that. My eating is alright right now, although my self-esteem is ridiculously low. Fun!

On a different note, Halloween was great! I was a present! Here is my costume. The tag attached my the strap of my dress says "To" and "From" on it.
Golf (see last post) went pretty well. Having my friend keep me accountable helped, and I only had about half a drink at each hole, so my level of drunkness was about perfect. I was at a good level when I got to the parties, and I sobered up around 2 am, just in time to eat food/drink lots of water and watch TV till I was completely sober. I had a slight hangover on Sunday, but that could have also been from the fact that my body has decided it doesn't feel like digesting food. It's been a struggle. It's better now that it was since Friday, when I started eating again, but it's still not back to normal. It's not until your body doesn't do it very well, that you realize how much you need it.

Other than that... stress stress stress stress. Graduate school applications plus thesis = death. Deadlines soon = death. We'll see how that sleeping thing goes...
Well, gotta go work out. See you later!