Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Fast, day three, sort of...

Well, today didn't go exactly as planned, but it wasn't horrible either. I broke my fast this morning instead of this evening because there were these delicious malted milk balls... But on the bright side, I was 171 this morning! I know I say this every time, but lowest adult weight ever!
Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: Malted milk balls (200), Mike&Ikes (60), and a broccoli and cheese tray (40)
- Dinner: Pesto with whole-wheat spaghetti (270) and Jello Mousse (120)
Total calories: 690

Not awful, not good. Work was alright, but I couldn't focus because I was so exhausted from not sleeping much last night... I forgot that starving myself makes me have insomnia. I'm so tired...
I'm planning on starting my fast again tomorrow and continuing till at least Saturday. But I don't want to push myself too much, because then I start rebelling against myself and binge. So I am making the fast semi-optional, so if I eat it won't be the end of the world. Does this happen to anyone else? Do you try to rebel against yourself by binging?

I hope everyone is doing well! Stay strong :)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Fast, day 2

Hey girlies! How was your day? Mine was good, but a litle stressful. Of course, work is almost always stressful. I work at a counseling clinic right now. I am supposed to be doing in-home autism counseling, but my clients won't start being covered by their insurance until July 1st at the earliest, so I'm working in the front office in the meantime. The stressful part of the front office is that there really need to be more people working there. Usually there are only two people, and there really need to be three or four. There is so much work to be done, and not enough people to do it. Once I leave to go back to school in August, they are screwed, because they need me so badly. But luckily, they might hire someone else to replace me, yay!

But anyway, today I worked on a spreadsheet of client phone numbers. I went through every file of every client and typed their phone numbers into a spreadsheet. This took me all day, ugg. I meant to leave the office at 5 pm, but didn't get to leave until 6 pm because I had so much to do.

I fasted again today. Riki Ana is doing a fast starting today and continuing until Thursday, and I decided to join her. I won't be able to go until Thursday, because I have to eat dinner with my boyfriend's parents tomorrow night. However, I haven't eaten since Saturday night at 7 pm, so by the time I have dinner with my bf's parents tomorrow, I will have fasted for 3 days. Yay! That's my second-longest fast ever (my longest being 5 days). After I eat dinner with the rents, I might fast again until my coworker comes back from her vacation and I have to vacate her house :) We'll see though. Here is my intake for the day:

- Breakfast: Diet Dr. Pepper (0)
- Lunch: Peppermints (150) and water (0)
- Dinner: Diet Coke (0)
Total calories: 150

Stupid peppermints, but whatever. Oh hey, and I lost another pound this morning! 173, baby, lowest adult weight ever!! I hope you girls had a fabulously starving day! Stay strong :) WE CAN DO THIS!

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Hello lovelies! It's so good to be back! Is it weird that I was more excited to post again than I was to be at 175 again? The 175 just sort of happened, but the posting is something that I've missed so much! I've definitely missed you girlies :)

Today was pretty good. I've basically done nothing. I woke up at 10 am, watched TV for a while, read some of my book (Outlander by Diana Gabaldon), took a 3 hour nap, watched some more TV, talked to my boyfriend (finally!), and caught up on all your lovely blogs. It's really nice to have a relaxing weekend where I do nothing. I rarely get that.

I fasted today, but it wasn't really on purpose. I decided I wouldn't eat until dinner, but once dinner rolled around, I wasn't really interested in food. So I told myself that I could eat if I wanted to, but it wasn't necessary. And I haven't eaten all day. All I've had is a Vitamin Water Zero and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I may fast again tomorrow, at least at work. Or I might just eat dinner. Either way, I'll stay under 500 calories.

Oh, and I lost another pound this morning! I'm now 174 pounds, which is my lowest adult weight ever. WOW!

I hope you lovelies had a fabulous weekend! Love ya :)

I'M BACK!!!!!

I'm so excited to be back finally!! I've been having a really hard time with losing weight recently (as you might have noticed, since I haven't posted in 20 days, wow). I kept losing motivation and thinking that I might just be happier at a higher weight. Which is completely ridiculous, because of course I'm not happy at this weight! I was stuck at 180-185 for quite a while, but this week I motivated myself and lost 10 freaking pounds! I was 185.5 last Sunday (June 20th) and today I was 175 (June 26th). Like how does that even happen?? 10 pounds in one week! But anyway, since I got back down to 175, I am free to post again! I'm so happy :) I've missed you guys so much! I'm amazed that I didn't lose any followers while I was gone.

I've just been working really hard for the last 20 days. Life at the office has been CRAZY, so that's been stressful. My boyfriend left for his summer language intensive on the 12th, so he's been gone about 2 weeks now. I miss him a lot. I went to see Letters to Juliet last night with his mom, and I missed him a whole bunch after that. I shouldn't be allowed to watch love movies while he's gone! It makes me pissy and tearful.

I'm cat-sitting for a co-worker this week, which is lots of fun. She has three cats named Dwight (white kitty with light brown patches), Holly (cute little torti), and Earl Grey (big grey cat). She is off roadtripping with another one of our co-workers until the 4th of July :) I hardly brought any food with me, so I can't binge on anything. Today I slept till 1 pm and only ate:

- Breakfast: None because I was sleeping
- Lunch: None
- Dinner: Qdoba naked grilled veggie burrito (540) and Diet Coke (0)
Total calories: 540

Pretty good! I knew I would be going out to dinner with my boyfriend's parents, so I saved all my calories for that. I can't believe how many calories Mexican food has... if I'd had the tortilla part of the burrito, I would have added 330 calories! That's completely ridiculous. After dinner, I watched Love Happens (Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckert) with my boyfriend's parents. It was really good! So today was awesome. All I did was sleep, read, go to dinner, and watch a movie.

I'm so glad to be back!! I love you, skinnies :) We can all reach our goals!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Need to be 175

I will not be posting again until I am 175 pounds. I need this. I can't keep fucking up like this!
My boyfriend is leaving on Saturday, so I can finally start restricting like I want to. I will update you again when I am 175.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I found a poem on his computer about me this morning. It was from January, and it was about how much I annoyed him (basically) and how he couldn't wait to see his friend Sara again because she didn't pester him. I confronted him about it, despite the fact that I shouldn't have been snooping around on his computer in the first place. He said, rightfully, that those were feelings that he had briefly at that time, but now he didn't feel that way anymore.
I asked him where he saw this relationship going. He said that he wasn't sure what would happen when he studied abroad in Japan in the spring, and that it could change our relationship, so he wasn't sure. Fuck me. We've been in a relationship for almost two years... how can he not see us together in a year? Like, what? Am I wasting my time?

On the drive back from the cabin this afternoon, I went over the pros and cons of our relationship in my head.
- I love him.
- I love being with him.
- I like his parents.
- He makes me feel special, beautiful, loved, safe.

- He is practically in love with his 14-year-old friend Sara. Will he cheat in the future?
- I feel like I'm always working really hard to make him happy, but I'm always apologizing for my behavior towards him. It's never good enough (this isn't necessarily his fault, because I just have an anger problem that I am constantly working on).
- He can't carry on a conversation very well- who do I talk to??

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know if staying together is the best thing for both of us. It's stressful for me to be with him because he makes me crazy and I have to not yell at him. It's stressful for him to be with me because I am crazy and yell at him. I am also not mentally sound (obviously, with this ED and my depression, not to mention my possible anxiety disorder...), so is it best for me to be in a serious relationship right now?

I want to be with him. But I don't want to hurt him or me. I love him, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But he doesn't see that... maybe it's because he's a man, and he just can see that far. Maybe it's because we aren't meant to be together. I don't know... I think I'll ride out the summer, and possibly the fall semester of the school year, and then see what happens.

Part of me wonders what it would be like to be single again... I could get drunk on the weekends and go out dancing and hook up with people. I've never had the urge to do that until the end of last semester. I could live alone (he lives with me at school), eat what and when I wanted, do what I want when I want to do it. I wouldn't have to put up with his friends (not that they are that bad, but I don't really like them).

This post is so all over the place. Sorry. I'll post again when I'm 175. Bye :)

Friday, June 4, 2010

Gone for the weekend

Hey everyone! Today was pretty awful. I am an emotional mess, and I don't really know why. I'm angry, upset, depressed, and a bunch of other things. It sucks. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

My eating has been alright so far, only 170 calories, but I haven't eaten dinner yet. After dinner, my boyfriend and I are leaving to go to his parent's cabin for the weekend. No internet, in the middle of the woods. I don't want to go, but I am humoring him because he will be leaving in a week to go to his summer language intensive thing.

I feel like bingeing, I hope I don't. Sorry guys, I don't know what else to say...
Stay strong.
I'll post again on Sunday night or Monday.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Craziest day of my life...

Today was nuts! I ate alright, but that was about the only normal thing that happened. I got a strange phone call at work which resulted in a confidentiality agreement and one of my coworkers going on an emergency leave of absence. Geez! I didn't do anything wrong, but it was the weirdest day ever. And I'm not allowed to talk about it. Also, I have basically been charged with checking over an entire filing cabinet worth of patient files. I have to look at every single progress note that has been written for the in-home, outpatient program since January 2009. Great! Not... I think I might die. Checking over these notes is so tedious, and takes forever, and I often mess up. It's a nightmare. I feel completely fried (physically, mentally, emotionally) from the odd incident combined with checking notes all day. Oh boy...

On the bright side, three good things happened today! First, my boss finally talked to me about getting some in-home training for my counseling job. I am meeting with her next week to discuss a training schedule. Yay! I've been waiting to get trained for a month. Second, I got my pay scale straightened out. I checked with my boyfriend's moms after dinner last night (who are, coincidentally, the owners of the company I work for), and apparently I'm supposed to get paid $8.50 for EVERYTHING I do for the office this summer, not just my autism counseling work. So today I got reimbursed for all the money I didn't get paid (that I was supposed to get paid). Yay money! I'm happy :) Finally, I lost two more pounds this morning! I only have 4 more pounds to lose before I hit my lowest adult weight EVER. I haven't been under 175 pounds since I was 16 years old. I want to hit 174 before Monday. I can do it!!!

Ok, here is what I ate today:
- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: 14 baby carrots (35) and a large Diet Coke from Burger King (5)
- Dinner: French bread (230), grilled veggies with Hawaiian marinade (76), and acorn squash (34)
Total calories: 380

I wanted to do better, but I got a little carried away with the bread at dinner. If I hadn't had that bread, I would have only had 150 calories today!! God, why did I have that bread???
It's really sick that I'm beating myself up for eating bread...

Question for you all: What is your biggest food weakness?
I love you girls! Stay strong :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I have such an annoying headache today... I woke up with it yesterday morning, and it continued (despite medication, which usually works for me) all throughout yesterday. I took some more ibuprofen this morning at like 3 am when it got really bad, but it was still there when I woke up. It got progressively worse all day, and now I feel like death. I stopped taking ibuprofen, since it's obviously not working, but my boyfriend's parents offered me some Excedrin Migraine about 30 minutes ago to see if that would help. I don't know if it's a migraine, since it's not that bad, but it does make me feel nauseated. All I want to do is sleep. After I post this, I'm going to curl up in my bed and read until I fall asleep. No TV for me tonight (unless the headache  magically goes away, which I doubt it will). Once I had a continuous headache for a whole month, so I really hope that that isn't happening again!

Here is what I ate today:
- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: Yogurt (100), 14 baby carrots (35), and 20 grapes (60)
- Dinner: Grilled cheese sandwich (440, ugg)
Total calories: 635

I have got to start skipping lunch so that I can afford to eat dinner! I can never avoid higher calorie dinners, because I don't want my boyfriend's (therapist) mothers to get suspicious.

I lost two pounds this morning! I won't tell you my weight, but it's still above 175 unfortunately. Once I get back to 175, I will post my weight again. It shouldn't take too long. Today at lunch, there was birthday cake for a coworker's birthday... I hate cake. I mean, I love cake, but I HATE CAKE. It sat in the front office (where I work) ALL FUCKING DAY (I said "fuck" just for you, Madz), and it was staring at me the whole time, saying "Eat me, please! Just one bite. You know you want me!" It was horrible. I hate birthdays. And tomorrow it's someone else's birthday at the office, so there might be MORE cake. Ahhh!!!!

On another, rant-y note, I am really annoyed at my boss. I was hired by my workplace to do counseling with children with autism. But am I doing that? NO. I still haven't done any in-home training, and I've been working at the office for a month. My boss is super, super flaky. She is really busy all the time, and keeps forgetting to schedule me for in-home training. It's not that I don't like working in the front office and filing, but I want to do the job I was hired for! Also (although I know that this shouldn't matter that much), I get paid WAY less when I work in the front office. I only get paid minimum wage ($7.25 per hour) when I work in the front office, but if I was doing my autism job I would get paid $8.50 per hour. I WANT MY MONEY, GODDAMMIT! Grr. I really need this money, because I am studying abroad in Australia during spring semester, and at the present moment I am $4,000 short. I will probably make $4,000 this summer, but only if I actually start doing my autism job. See what I mean?

I hate cake. I love you all! Stay strong :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Good Day, plus Blogger Addict Award!

Today was great! I had work, finally (I've been soooo bored). I basically filed things all day :) Is it weird that I love filing?? Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: 14 baby carrots (35) and 25 grapes (75)
- Dinner: 1 piece of pizza (240)
Total calories: 350

I pretended to eat a cheese stick for breakfast while my boyfriend was in the shower. I also took a yogurt to work for lunch, but threw it out before lunch time so I wouldn't have to eat it. I escaped 180 calories :)
In other news, Madz gave me the Blogger Addict Award! Here are the rules:
1) List 5 things that piss you the fuck off
2) List 5 things you love
3) Name as many awesome bloggers to give the award to as you want :)

5 Things That Piss Me the Fuck Off
1) Flaky people
2) People commenting on my eating or weight
3) Dirty dishes left in the sink overnight
4) People who say "meh" instead of "me" when typing something or talking
5) People who talk too much about stuff I don't care about at all

5 Things I Love
1) Gum- I'm a serious gum addict
2) Reading- I love reading!!
3) Knitting and sock yarn :)
4) Sleeping
5) Lotion- I can't survive without my lotion

Awesome, Blog-Addicted Bloggers

Ya'll are awesome! I hope your days went good as well :) Stay strong everyone!