Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Oh. My. Goodness. It's been so long since I last posted, almost a month!! I am so, so sorry. I just got really caught up with everything else and completely forgot about this blog. I tried to go on here and blog a few weeks ago, but after catching up on everyone else's posts, I was too exhausted to write my own. It's very overwhelming to have to read weeks of posts.

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Here's a quick recap of my last month:

  • Submitted 3/4 graduate school applications. The last one is only missing my grades from this semester, which I will have in a few weeks. 
  • Around November 29th, I started to have stomach pain that was bad enough to make me want to stay in bed. I waited for a few days to make sure that it wasn't just gas or something, and found out that it was mild acute pancreatitis. Which basically means that my pancreas is inflamed. It wasn't caused be gallstones (which is the usual cause), so it was probably either caused by a) alcohol abuse, or b) something unknown. I am hoping for the 'something unknown', but whatever. I had to fast for a few days, and it started getting better this past weekend. I can finally eat good food again!
  • Because of the pancreatitis, I was fasting... and it turned into a tiny relapse. I fasted when I wasn't told to, and it was about control and weight, rather than my pancreas hurting when I ate. But I realized that I could NOT do my final papers and exams with no food, so I quit.
  • I have had some issues with depression and cutting this semester, mostly because of all the stress I've been under. But I am not currently cutting (still a bit depressed, but what else is new). I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday and an appointment with my prescriber next week. 
  • I have been elected Small Group Shepard for Christian Fellowship here at school, which is pretty cool. I will basically oversee all of the small group Bible studies, and have a study of my own. 
  • I got my thesis proposal back with some comments, and I will be ready to start running participants at the beginning of next semester! Finally!
  • My finals were last week, and they went ok. For one of them, I didn't really study till the last minute, and that one didn't go so well. And I had a paper due Saturday, which I think turned out alright. I did pull two all-nighters to finish it though...
  • I am going home tomorrow! I am half excited and half annoyed. I want to see my family and my kitties and my gramma, but I also hate family drama and rules. My parents tried to give me a curfew over the summer, which I refused to accept. My mom also won't let me drink alcohol in the house, which is stupid. It's not like I am going to get drunk! All I want is to be able to have a beer with dinner or in my room while watching TV sometimes. So I'm going to ignore both those rules and see how it goes. 
  • Saying goodbye to friends who are going abroad was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while. I am dreading graduation...
That's basically it! I am definitely leaving out some important stuff, but oh well. So yah... how are you all? Looking forward to break/holidays? Hopefully I will post more now that my life isn't so crazy! <3

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wow, I'm depressing


Ok, so I'm pretty sure that part of that last post was PMS. The funny thing is, my period never came... but I swear I had PMS. It's 5 days late at this point. No worries, I'm not preggers. Haha, that would be hilarious! I haven't been with anyone in over a year. I think it's the stress. I have never actually skipped a period before... interesting.

Speaking of sex... I have been contemplating reclaiming my virginity and not having sex again until marriage (Clarification: reclaiming my virginity doesn't mean pretending that I haven't had sex; it just means that I'm going to be a "virgin" in the sense that I won't have sex again till marriage. This is an edit, since I got a comment that made me think I needed to clarify.). My sister's going to laugh at me, I know it. I also know that she is going to say that I've gone all crazy Christian on her. Well, maybe I have. God is a huge part of my life, and that's the way I want it. Not that I'm going to get all preachy on you guys, but it's only fair that I share with you the most important thing to me. I can't talk about myself and not talk about God too. God has gotten me through some pretty tough stuff, and I trust Him to keep doing so. I am so thankful to be His child. But that's all I'll say, unless you guys want to talk about it.

Things have been better since I blogged last. Almost immediately after I blogged, stuff started calming down. I finished my thesis proposal and my grad school stuff is being put off until I receive comments from my professors on my personal statements. So I actually slept this week! I am trying to make God the center of my life, not school work. Yes, school is obviously important, but there are more important things in life. Am I really going to look back in 10 years and say, "Dang, I was so lazy! I should have tried harder." No! I will probably think, "Wow, I wish I had stressed less, slept more, and enjoyed life." So I have been trying. I had an exam that I didn't study for, and it was fine. I studied for about 30 minutes before the exam, couldn't answer half the questions, and still got a 91 percent. So you know what? It doesn't even matter. I'm not saying that I shouldn't study, but I am saying that I shouldn't freak out and not sleep and then stress after the exam about what grade I might have gotten. I can only do so much. I am only human.

So onward to the present! I am finishing up my graduate school applications during this weekend. They are due December 1st (well, the first one is, so I'm trying to get them all in by then). I am starting to have final projects and papers due, so I have to think about that. But whatever. I will get it done and not die in the process.

Today is Thanksgiving! Well, by the time I post this, it will be the day after Thanksgiving. But still. I stayed at school, which I also did last year. It is nice to have some time to myself. Of course, I actually have to start working tomorrow, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. The food was frickin delicious. My dining hall really goes all out on Thanksgiving :) Yumminess! I was briefly tempted to purge because I was so so so full (I will never eat again, that's how full I am), but it was a 30 second contemplation before I decided that a) it would be silly, and b) I was too lazy. For once, my laziness is paying off! Lol :)

Well, this blog has gotten long enough. I love you all, and I hope you had wonderful Thanksgivings too! I am thankful for you all <3

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Sooo... this weeks seems to be sucking more than last week. I have cried three times in the last twenty-four hours. I am just so burnt out. I keep going and going and going, but I'm not the Energizer Bunny and I can't go on forever. At some point, very soon, I will not be able to get back up again. I'm just so very tired. So very tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Everything seems like a struggle and I want to cry when I think about all of the things on my to-do list. And I don't even get a break. Every time I finish something, something else crops up. I am mostly finished with my thesis proposal and my grad school apps, but now it's time to think about final projects and papers and exams for my classes. It never ends. If this is what graduate school is like... I'm not going to make it! There's no way. I'm scared and I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't swim much longer before I start to sink.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Shuffling, every day I am

It's crazy that I haven't blogged in so long! It's been like 12 days! I'm so sorry, I have just been CRAAAAZY busy. The last two weeks are a blur. Let's start at the beginning. I've had a TON of stuff to do for graduate school applications. I wrote two personal statements in two days, and then another a few days later. Sleeping hasn't been happening much... I generally get 3-4 hours of sleep per night, but this week I had a period of 65 hours when I didn't sleep at all. I pulled two all-nighters, for a total of almost three days no sleep. It was super intense, and horribly exhausting (although kind of exhilarating at the same time!). I just had so much work with grad school stuff, homework, and thesis, that sleeping didn't happen. So yah, that was my last week.

Last weekend, I went to an amazing conference in Green Lake, Wisconsin. It was the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Fall Conference (aka CrossTraining). It was an awesome weekend! My track (class, basically) was called On Campus, On Purpose and it was just basics for living life as a Christian on a college campus. Kind of silly for me, since I'm a senior, but it was also good because I'm going to a difference campus for graduate school, and it had some basic stuff that I never knew about. There was some stuff about evangelism, some stuff about making sure that God is the leader of your life (not other things, like money or grades), and LOTS of worship! That's the best part :) It was an incredible weekend, and I want to go back!

So yah... that's pretty much been the last two weeks. I am hoping that this week will involve more sleep (hahaha yah right) and less crazy. Oh, and I haven't cut in over a week! I haven't really wanted to that much either :) My eating has been pretty much fine too.

Well, have a wonderful Sunday, everyone, and a great week! <3

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

This week has been... interesting. Partially because I am crazy busy, and partially because... I didn't really eat last week. For about six days, I ate salad for every meal. I ate a bit of oatmeal at breakfast twice, and a yogurt at lunch once, but otherwise salad. I skipped a lot of meals too. You might ask, what triggered this? Dude, beats me. Stress? I don't know. But the good news is that a friend was brave enough to say something about how worried she was about my behavior, which made me thing about how worried I was about myself, and that was that. My eating is alright right now, although my self-esteem is ridiculously low. Fun!

On a different note, Halloween was great! I was a present! Here is my costume. The tag attached my the strap of my dress says "To" and "From" on it.
Golf (see last post) went pretty well. Having my friend keep me accountable helped, and I only had about half a drink at each hole, so my level of drunkness was about perfect. I was at a good level when I got to the parties, and I sobered up around 2 am, just in time to eat food/drink lots of water and watch TV till I was completely sober. I had a slight hangover on Sunday, but that could have also been from the fact that my body has decided it doesn't feel like digesting food. It's been a struggle. It's better now that it was since Friday, when I started eating again, but it's still not back to normal. It's not until your body doesn't do it very well, that you realize how much you need it.

Other than that... stress stress stress stress. Graduate school applications plus thesis = death. Deadlines soon = death. We'll see how that sleeping thing goes...
Well, gotta go work out. See you later!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Halloween is soon!

Hello! It's been exactly a week since I posted. Good news: I have been feeling a bit better and not cutting. Yay! Fall break got to me, I guess. Graduate school applications are still weighing down on me, but I'm not working on them every day, so I think that helps me to not get so overwhelmed.

Since I last posted... I got my personal statement for Washington University School of Social Work done, at least a good draft. Now I just have to translate and squish it into three other applications and answer their random questions too. But it's a good start. My plan is to work on that some tonight. Homework... it seems to be easing up a bit, although I'm sure that will change very soon. Right now I feel less stressed out than usual.

I am super tired all the time, so I started taking a multivitamin. We'll see if that helps. I just started today! Hopefully if I take it most of the time (I will forget, it's only natural), then it will be good for me. I'm definitely vitamin/mineral deficient in some ways. I am also trying to be a bit healthier with my eating and not eat so much junk. Maybe cut back on the diet soda and drink more herbal tea as a substitute. And stop eating so much dessert (especially when I'm not hungry or don't like it much, but eat it anyway). Yay healthy eating! Let's see how long this lasts...

It's Halloween this weekend! My sorority is playing this drinking game called golf on Saturday night. I've done this many times before, and it generally ends in disaster and me being ridiculously drunk. You have 8 or 10 "holes" which are in different people's room, and there is a different drink in each hole. Generally people do a hole in pairs or groups. For example, if I did a hole, I would have a partner and we would make jello shots. People would come and drink/eat the shots, and the depart to the next hole. It gets you drunk suuuuper fast. So I've enlisted a buddy. I asked a sub-free friend to check in on me in the middle of the event to see how drunk I am. My plan is to only drink a little bit at each hole, but we know how well that works... so if I'm too drunk, she can come rescue me.  The theme is Halloween, of course, and I am going to be a present. As in, I bought a bow (like for a birthday present) at Walmart and I am going to put it on my head. Classy, I know :)

Ok, I should really get some work done. Ya'll are awesome for reading my boring ramblings! Love ya <3

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hello! I'm sorry it's been so long... almost two weeks. I've been avoiding blogging, partially because of so much freaking homework and partially because of shame. Sometimes I feel like I can't write on here because there are so many people in real life who read it now. Don't get me wrong: I like having people read this. I love that I don't even have to say anything, because the people in my life already know what's going on. Especially since I NEVER see anyone anymore. I only see people if they are a) eating a meal with me, or b) doing homework with me. SAD. But sometimes I feel like if I post something bad, I will get a flurry of phone calls and texts as soon as people read it. It's a catch 22.

So here's the scoop: I've been cutting again. Oops. I don't even remember why I started. It was probably about a week and a half ago, maybe slightly less. And I've been cutting a lot, pretty much every day. I haven't cut in a few days now though :) I think a lot of it is stress. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. Homework, graduate school stuff, sorority stuff, thesis stuff. I think I'm just psyching myself out too. I get freaked out, I start thinking I can't do it, I start beating myself up because I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right, I'm a failure, no one loves me (not true, I know), I suck at life. Rational me realizes that most of this is false, but in-the-moment me thinks it's all true.

The other day, a friend today me that I had betrayed her confidence. I didn't even remember what she was talking about, because it was a long time ago, but it hurt me so much that I had hurt her. I hated myself. I still hate myself for that. I need to not talk about other people. It's a bad habit and I need to stop. But that whole situation was triggering too...

Ok, this is depressing. Sorry! Happy things: It's fall break right now, which is awesome! I have been sleeping in till 11 am every day. On Sunday, my best friend and I watched Castle (a TV show) all day and didn't do any homework. Today I worked on my graduate school applications and personal statement. Uggg. It sucked, but I have a page! That's better than this morning, so that's a victory right there. Tomorrow I should make more progress and I will have it finished by the end of the week. Yay! After break, things will speed up again, and I will get super stressed out/not sleeping much again. I hope this week is a good break, because crazy is coming back soon...

Well, I'm wiped out. I'm going to sleep :) Love you all!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Hey :) I'm doing quite a bit better than my last post. I continued to not sleep last week, and part of this week (oops...). But tonight, I will sleep some! I am back home from the Psych Ward (aka the psychology lounge) and it's before 1 am!! That's pretty amazing, let me tell you. Now that my thesis research is done and I've moved on to the methods and such, things are getting a lot easier. But I don't want to get cocky: things could get a lot harder tomorrow. I still have hard classes, and things are about to get a little tougher because midterms are next week... I think I have two. Ew.

Other than school.... oh wait, there is nothing else. Just kidding! Here's something else incredible: I have stopped taking pain medication. Some background: I have chronic Achilles tendonitis, which causes me to be in pain all day, every day. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. Walking sucks. Sitting sometimes sucks. Standing really sucks. So I take a lot of ibuprofen. I also get headaches every day. And because of these two combined pain factors, I take A LOT of pain medication. I usually take at least 4 ibuprofen per day, and if that doesn't work for my headache, I will take Excedrin or something else. I am the queen of pain medication. I have a stash on me at all times. I also get migraines, but that's not as related to this.

Something to note: NSAIDs are super bad for you in large quantities. They can damage your liver, give you ulcers, and KILL YOU. BADDDDDD.

So the point is that I am basically dependent on NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs). And when you take NSAIDs like ibuprofen for headaches at least once daily for years, you get these things called rebound headaches. It's kind of like caffeine withdrawal. The original cause of the headache is no longer present, and eventually you are just treating the ibuprofen withdrawal headache. I know that I have these, but it's scary going off all pain medications! Well, NSAIDs. But I decided that enough is enough. I have to take care of myself for once! So I stopped taking them five days ago... and all hell broke loose. Day 1 wasn't too good, but I could handle it. Regular headache. Days 2 and 3: migraines almost all day, both days. Around 2 or 3 pm on both days, it hit me like a truck. I got almost no homework done this weekend. BUT... after day 3, nothing bad! On day 4, I had a small headache but it went away (which NEVER happens- I have to take pain meds to make headaches go away EVERY TIME). And today was day 5: NO HEADACHE AT ALL. WHAAAAAAT??!!? So weird! I am not used to not hurting. Of course, my Achilles tendons hurt, but whatever. They always hurt.

So that's great! It's nice to be free from pain meds, or at least almost free. I don't know if the migraines will pop back up later this week. Taking migraine medication is fine though, because it's not an NSAID. But yah, that's pretty much it. I got ridiculously drunk the weekend before last... don't remember much. I also drank last weekend, but it was controlled-ish. My friend got suuuuper sick, so that sobered me up pretty quick.

I don't know what else! Love you all <3

Thursday, September 22, 2011


So I guess the last time I posted was a week ago. It's been a really, really, really long week. I feel like each day is a week in itself, yet I never seem to get anything done. And I am so so tired all the time. I'm sleeping an average of 4 hours per night. I might have been averaging 6 hours per night during the first week of classes, but it's been pretty consistently 4 or 5 hours averaged since then. I'm a zombie. I'm an emotional wreck because I'm so tired. I'm overwhelmed by all the things I need to get done in the next three weeks. I cry a lot. My hands shake more than usual and my handwriting is getting significantly worse because of that. My stress level is through the roof.

Basically, I need a break. But I don't have time for one. I don't even have time to be writing this.

I'm just so burnt out already. I am officially a quarter through with the semester, and I'm already dead. It feels like finals week, but it's not. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester. I still have to apply to graduate school too.

I was seriously considering self-injury last night, because I know that it helps me relax. Isn't that sad, that I consider hurting myself over school work?

Guys, I'm not going to make it. I'm scared.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Well that sucks

Oh guys... I don't even know what to say. I am swamped with homework and stressed. I am sleeping less than is desirable. Sometimes I get breaks, but they are usually unplanned and they make me feel stressed because I should be doing homework. Thesis... grr...

On another note. As you'll notice, I took down the "Time since last purge" and "Time since last self-injury" sidebars. I need to stop counting. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me realize that I'm an all-or-nothing type of person. I mean, I knew that already. But I feel like when I count things, like how many days I have resisted purging, I am making it all or nothing. And if I mess up, then it's all over, and it doesn't even matter anymore. So I am going to *try* to stop counting, and start celebrating successes and PROGRESS, rather than numbers of days.

Speaking of messing up... I messed up. I was in class yesterday and I totally screwed up a comment I was making. I basically interpreted a quote to mean the exact opposite of what it actually meant. Which doesn't sound that bad, but I feel like I'm doing a horrible job in that class anyway. It intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate. But the point is, I was really, really embarrassed and distressed. Automatic reaction? Hurt self. I didn't even think about it. I just did. (Let's back up a bit. When I was younger, before I knew what self-injury was, I used to dig my nails into the sides of my body when I had my arms crossed across my chest. I just knew that it helped me calm down if I felt distressed or punish myself if I thought I needed it. I mostly used it in dance class.) I haven't dug my nails into my skin in quite a while, but I did. And after the automatic reaction, I realized what I was doing, and didn't stop. Now, I could say that this doesn't count, because I didn't actually cut myself with a blade or anything and I didn't leave any lasting marks, but as I was discussing with that friend, it's the intent that matters. I intended to hurt myself. Therefore, it is self-injury. Unfortunately. I have no idea how many days I was up to, but I guess they're gone now...

BUT I'm trying to move on. Numbers are way, way too important to me. Days since ____, grades, weight, etc. I have a number obsession. So goodbye, numbers. I know that it will be a struggle to see them go, but I really can't keep obsessing over them. It's detrimental to my life, and I need to stop.

That's kind of all that has been happening. I seriously don't do anything besides eat, sleep (sometimes), go to meetings, go to class, and do homework. I hope you guys are having a better week than me. The whole messing-up thing kind of put a damper on my good mood.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

To clarify...

Hey guys! So I got a comment on my last blog that made me think I needed to clarify some things about my eating disorder. Here is the comment: 
"I don't think you should do anything with disordered eating if you still have an e.d. It's hypocritical and someone might find out, ya know?"

I'm just confused mostly, because I don't have an eating disorder anymore. Clearly, this is a recovery blog (since it says RECOVERY at the top, in the title description). I had bulimia and EDNOS in high school and the beginning of college, but now I'm recovering. I don't meet any sort of criteria for any clinical level of an eating disorder. I don't engage in behaviors such as restricting, purging, fasting, overexercising, etc. Yes, I did have a slip-up 36 days ago, when I purged. But really, that happens once in a blue moon, and that's just part of recovery; you win some and you lose some. But I always get it back :) And yes, I have disordered eating habits. I eat weird things. I skip dinner occasionally (but not on purpose, it just sort of happens). I eat unhealthily large amounts of chocolate and Twizzlers when I'm stressed. I dislike my body sometimes. I avoid certain clothing items because they makes me look fat(ter). But I'm not eating disordered; just a little messed up, like the rest of the world. 

Another thing: This comment mentioned that people might find out about my eating disorder. Weeeeeell, they already know. I am completely open about it. If it comes up, I will tell people. I have a tattoo of the ED recovery symbol, and if people ask me about it, I will tell them exactly what it is and why I have it. I even did a presentation in high school, after my first bout with bulimia, about my ED and general ED info. So I'm very open and honest. That's just my style. After lying and cheating and hiding for eight years, I am tired of it and I want to be free. So I tell. And it's awesome, let me tell you :)

So that's that. I just thought I'd clarify those points. Megan, person who commented, I'm not upset with you. I am curious though: how is it hypocritical for me to do an experiment about disordered eating? I am not seeing it, but perhaps I'm missing it. Just let me know, if you can. 

Ok, BEDTIME. So tired! <3

Friday, September 9, 2011

Another week...

I can't believe it's been another week! On one hand, each day seems like a week in itself, and it's hard to keep track of what happened when. But on the other hand, it seems like school is flying by already and I can't believe that I've been here for two weeks already. My classes are basically running my life, which is fine, since I am here to go to school (whaaaat? when did that happen??). I have been trying to be responsible and set goals for myself. I make a to-do list of academic/non-academic things each day. I only got the the non-academic things today. But in my defense, today is the first day all week that I haven't done something academic on my list.

Speaking of my thesis, I met with my adviser and he wants me to have narrowed down my topic area by the next time we meet, in two weeks. Which means that I get to read 75 articles between now and then. That's about 5 articles per day. So yesterday and the day before, I read my 5 articles. Today I only read one, which just means that I have to read 9 tomorrow (uuuuuuuugggg). I am doing my thesis on disordered eating, and something. I want to pull a sample of disordered eaters from my school (eating disorders and disordered eating are different, fyi) and do an experiment with them. So for example, I might make my participants anxious by making them give an oral presentation, and then have them do an ice cream taste-test and see how much ice cream they eat (compared to a control group who aren't made anxious). But I have to figure out whether I'm going to manipulate anxiety, or do something media related, or mess with body image. In the next two weeks. Yay...

Honestly, not much is happening. School is pretty much my life right now. I'm boring, I know. In terms of mental health, I think I'm doing alright. I haven't had any sort of thoughts or urges to hurt myself in weeks (I think). I have situational depression, but it doesn't last long and it's not the same as actual clinical depression. My eating has been very odd, but that's college, I guess. I keep skipping/forgetting to eat/not feeling like eating dinner. I think that's happened three times in the last two weeks. I just don't feel like leaving my room, or I'm upset and don't want to eat, or I feel like napping instead. I did it tonight again because I had a difficult day and just didn't want to be around people. But I got suuuuuper hungry around 9 pm and ordered pizza. So that's better than eating nothing, which is what I did the other times. In terms of body image, it's alright. I'm avoiding some of my clothes and I feel bloated, but what else is new?

OH! ALSO, my four months self-injury free passed last week! I totally forgot to say anything. So now I'm OVER four months without cutting! Pretty sweet :)

Yah, I think that's about it. I hope you guys have a good weekend! <3

Friday, September 2, 2011

Finally able to blog!

I'm sorry it's been so long! I have been trying to blog since I got back to school, but it hasn't been working. First, my internet was totally down. I couldn't connect with an ethernet cord (plugged into the wall) or through wireless. So I finally got it fixed on Monday, but was suuuuper busy because of classes starting. So on Tuesday, I was going to blog, but my newly fixed internet was screwed up again. And since then, every night between 9 pm and 1 am, I can't get online. I think my wireless router is really old (like 3 years, which isn't that much, but whatever) and it can't handle all the traffic. Everyone on campus is doing homework between those times, so the system gets overloaded. Which sucks, because that's when I do homework too! I guess I'll have to go somewhere else if I need the internet for homework during those times. But anyhoo, I literally haven't been able to blog until tonight, because during the day I am too busy and at night I have no internet.

Soooo, school started again! Classes began on Tuesday. But let's back up a bit. I left for school on Saturday morning and met my friend Isabel at the airport in Chicago, since she lives there now. We took the bus to my school together, because she wanted to visit. She stayed with my until Tuesday afternoon.

So remember how she realized how she had feelings for me and we decided to just be friends, because she has a boyfriend, so we can't be more than friends? See this post. Well, we fail at that. I was prepared to be just friends, even though I was wishing that we weren't, and that didn't happen. We ended up doing non-friend stuff, but nothing explicit like making out. Just long, long hugs and snuggling and such. We talked about it, and I'm still not sure what we are going to do, because she will probably come to visit again... I can't do this anymore. We either need to be friends, or more than friends. We can't go back and forth! It's very confusing. My brain is lost.

I know that all sounded negative, but it was really nice to have her here. I LOVED seeing her again. I missed her so much! As a friend and as more. We had lots of fun together and it was really cool to have her staying with me. When she left, it felt super weird to have an empty room, because she had been here since I moved in. I miss her again already!! :-(

Besides that, I've just been having classes. And let me tell you, senior year is going to SUCK. I like my classes so far (or mostly, I guess), but there is SO MUCH READING. I am taking Advanced Social Psych, History and Systems of Psych (required for graduation...), and intro to art history. And my thesis, of course, but it's not an actual class period. All of my classes have an insane amount of reading, especially art history. I literally spent four or five hours reading the chapters that were assigned for today. AHHH!! It's not that interesting either. I'm taking it because I need another class outside of my major to graduate. But yes, I suddenly understand why the seniors last year seemed to live in the science building. It's because they had so much work to do that they could never leave! I think the science center will become my home this semester. And I haven't even worked on my thesis in two weeks... I hope this gets better, but I know it will only get worse. But I do like my classes, except art history. So that's the good news.

I guess that's pretty much it... since I've been so busy with school and a bit of sorority stuff, I haven't had time for anything else (not even sleep...). I'm sick right now, probably because of lack of sleep and stress. Just a cold. I feel like crap, so I might go to bed. Or do more homework... blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Love you guys! Have a good weekend!

Thursday, August 25, 2011


This is how I feel right now :)

So I'm going back to school on Saturday!!! Just two more days of work to go, and then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED! I am really pumped to get back to school and see all my friends and start classes again. Also, my friend Isabel, who is currently living in Chicago because she graduated, is riding the bus to school with me. She wanted to visit my school this weekend anyway, so it just worked out that we could ride together. Yay three hours of talking! :-D

I am only taking three classes this semester, and I'm starting work on my senior thesis. As a psychology major, you have to be invited to do a thesis. This is because your thesis must be a psychological experiment, which takes department money and advisor time, and there aren't enough professors and money to let everyone do that. Everyone else gets to do Senior Seminar. So I got invited, and I'm planning to do my thesis on something related to disordered eating (shocker, right?). At this point, it is looking like anxiety, body image, or media related stuff. I don't know yet though, because I've barely started my preliminary research. I have all of first semester to plan and propose my experiment, and then I conduct it and write it up during second semester. Yay! I am nervous but excited. 

On another note, I did a TON of clothes shopping this past weekend and ended up with some great stuff!! And the good news is that I did all this shopping, and emerged with my body image and self esteem intact. I found myself blaming the clothes instead of my body when something didn't fit. I probably tried on upwards of 40 pairs of jeans before I found some that fit, but I acknowledged that this was not my body's fault, but just indicative of the way jeans are mass-produced. So yay! It's been quite a while since I've shopped and felt good about my body while doing so. I ended up with two pairs of jeans and about seven shirts. Plus a pair of heels (yay!) and a pair of flats, both black. This is a pic of the heels: 
So pretty! :) I'm excited, because I can NEVER find heels that fit my feet. Awesomeness!

Ok, that's about it. I'm going to go back to freaking out about when I'm going to pack... Love you all! <3

Friday, August 19, 2011


Not much to report here. I have my period, which makes me a raging bitch. Grr! It's funny, when I was on birth control, I had more cramps, longer and heavier periods, but less bitchiness. Off birth control now, and I have less cramps, shorter and lighter periods, but a crapton more bitchiness. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, at least for the cramps and length and heaviness? Weird.

I've been baking non-stop recently, making tons of cupcakes and brownies for various events and people. I finally found a sub for when I'm gone (cuz I go back to school in a week, so I'm missing the last week of the kid's classes). Thank goodness! I had to offer baked goods, which reeled someone in. Speaking of baked goods, ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW IS CHOCOLATE! PLEASE FEED ME!

Still no let-up in the flashbacks while driving. LAME. I made a new playlist on my iPod for non-triggering songs. Too bad they are mostly lame songs... But on another note, my body. It sucks. I just feel gross and pudgy. I'm back at the weight I was when I was a freshman in college, which was gross. I feel fat in all my clothes and especially fat because I'm bloated from my period. I am really hoping that going back to school will be good for me and my eating. Here are my goals for the semester (food and non-food):

Food Goals (NOT RULES)

  • Eat one dessert per day, max.
  • Don't drink soda unless I'm out to eat or ordering food on a Sunday night (no dinner is served in the dining halls on Sunday nights, so we have to find our own food). 
  • Work out at least twice a week (preferably with my workout buddy!). 
  • Avoid obsessing over these goals, food in general, working out, and my body. 
  • When going to Walgreens or Walmart, do not get large amounts of chocolate or junk food; pick healthier snacks that would be good for late night hunger. 
  • When bored while studying, only eat when actually hungry (shocking, I know!). 
Non-food Goals
  • Obsess less over grades and GPA. 
  • That being said, try to get good grades and impress professors. 
  • Try to convince professors to let me knit in class (I have all new professors/a professor that won't let me knit; tragedy!!!!). 
  • Get all my homework done early so that I can either a) get ahead, or b) hang with friends more. 
  • Before the semester gets too hard (aka, before spring break), figure out which graduate schools to apply to and write a draft of my personal statement. 
That looks good for now! Ok, there's a cat sleeping on half of my computer, and I have to shower before my therapy appointment. Love you all!

Monday, August 15, 2011


Sometimes I am terrified to go back to school because I don't know what will happen this next semester, whether I will start drinking and hooking up again or if I will be a normal person for once.

Sometimes I feel triggered and I don't know what exactly did it.

Sometimes I do things to intentionally trigger myself, so that maybe it won't be so bad next time.

Sometimes I'm triggered and want to cut so badly that the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed.

Sometimes I wish that my rape wasn't so lame; I wish that I could prove it, or at least remember it, and then maybe it would feel more real.

Sometimes I wish that I had my eating disorder back, because it gave me something to focus on and control.

Sometimes I want to sleep for a month.

Sometimes I just want to be a "normal" person who doesn't need drugs or therapy.

Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I should be better than I am, like I should be a better person, friend, daughter, sister, victim, student, employee, a better everything.

Sometimes I'm happy though. Perhaps more than sometimes :)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Noooooo, stop it, flashbacks! YOU SUCK!

Since I've been talking about the rape SO MUCH all the time, I've been having more flashbacks. This is probably normal. When you think about something more, it also invades your unconscious mind more as well. The sucky thing about this is that I get flashbacks when I listen to music. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I love singing in the car! But unfortunately, a lot of the songs that are on the radio/that I love are about getting drunk, dancing, hooking up. And all of those things are things that I associate with being raped. For example, there is this song that I love called Give Me Everything Tonight by Pitbull. I absolutely adore it. Mostly because it's fun to sing. I like catchy songs that I can sing along to. But there are a few lines that always trigger me.

But I might drink a little more than I should tonight,
And I might take you home with me if I could tonight,
And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight,
Cuz we might not get tomorrow. 

Sounds fine, right? Nope. The part about drinking a little more than I should, and the taking you home if I could, is triggering. Because I did drink (a lot) more than I should have, and I did take her home with me.

This isn't the only song that triggers me. Others include Last Friday Night by Katy Perry and E.T. by Katy Perry. Actually, come to think of it, basically all Katy Perry songs. Firework is ok, but there are a lot that mention getting drunk (Last Friday Night) or hint at nonconsenual sex (E.T., during the intro when he says "Imma disrobe you, then Imma probe you, see I've abducted you, so I'll tell you what to do...").

Anyhoo, this sucks, because I love Katy Perry and I love singing songs like that! But when I have them on and/or am singing to them, I get flashbacks and have to change the station. LAAAAAAAME. Hopefully that will stop, cuz it suuuuuuucks.

Ok, bedtime. Oh, also, today marks 100 days with no cutting!! YAY! <3

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

My happy place

This is from The Sound of Music. Please say that you guys knew that! :)

I realized something yesterday, as I was driving home. I am at my happiest, most excited, when I am driving and listening to the radio and singing. I get really giddy and sometimes can't sing half the song because I'm giggling. It's a wonderful way to start off the work day, because it makes me feel like it will be a good day. It's also a pick-me-up at the end of the day, when I'm super exhausted from working with the kids. Unfortunately, singing in my room or the shower doesn't have quite the same effect (wonder why?), but I still feel happy when I'm doing that too. Anyway, I thought that was very interesting and potentially useful for future reference.

Yesterday and today were good. No purging, no restricting, no cutting. I feel like a fat cow, but that can't be helped. I mean, it can, but it will take longer than 5 minutes to make my brain believe that I'm not a fat cow. Anyhoo, my family decided to drive back from California in one day instead of two, so we spent 11 hours driving yesterday. Fun! Not. I was super bitchy all weekend for some reason, including and especially yesterday, but I'm doing ok today. It is suuuuuper nice to have a whole day off from work to do nothing. This week I will only work 3 days instead of 5, since I was gone yesterday and today, which sounds heavenly. And after this week, only 2 more to go before I go back to school!!!

The only hiccup is that since my sister is back, she wants to use my car. And of course, she is probably going to get her way. Which means that I will probably have to drive my dad's car to work every day. I hate my dad's car. It's a stick shift, which is fine, except I just hate his particular stick shift. It just feels wrong and I hate driving it. I will seriously take the bus to work, which would take hours, to avoid having to drive that car. Ugg. I'm hoping that I can convince my parents to let me use my mom's car, which is still not my favorite, but is alright. Either way they would be carpooling, so why does it matter which car they take? I don't know. What I really want is for them to make my sister drive mom's car, but that probably won't happen.

I have to babysit for my neighbor tonight, which I am slightly terrified of. I am good with kids, but not little kids. She 3 girls: a 4-year-old and 2-year-old twins. I am hoping that things will go smoothly. Their mom said that it would probably be an easy, pizza-movie-popcorn night, which sounds doable. Wish me luck!

Talk to ya'll later :)

Monday, August 8, 2011

My brain... on psychology!

Hey guys! So this weekend has been good. Since I purged on Thursday, I've been having eating disordered thoughts, but nothing I can't handle. I visited a friend while in San Francisco yesterday and she helped me get a grip on some of the things going through my head. My sister actually just called me out on counting calories... she's right, obviously. I shouldn't be counting, and I'm going to stop. Sometimes it just freaks me out to not know what I'm eating!! I'm sure you guys can understand that. Bleh. But no more. I am trying to do better and I know that I can get things back to normal. Yay for recovery!

Speaking of recovery, I was talking to a friend the other day who said that before she was hospitalized for her eating disorder, she wasn't even aware that she had one. When she was in the hospital, they gave her parents information on eating disorders and she asked to read them too, because she didn't really understand what she was being diagnosed with. I just find that so so fascinating, because I can't remember a time when I wasn't aware that my eating habits were disordered. There might have been a time at the beginning of my eating disorder, when I was 13 or so, when I thought that everyone was dieting and bingeing and that stuff. But I quickly realized that I had an issue. I just couldn't stop using my ED behaviors because I was so terrified of being fat. This is probably the psychology major in me too; I've known the DSM diagnoses for eating disorders ever since I knew that you could be diagnosed. I know what weight I would have to be for my BMI to be "anorexic." I know how many times per week you have to purge (or fast, or use laxatives, or whatever), and for how many months, to be considered bulimic.

And I felt A LOT of pressure to meet those standards. I didn't want to be EDNOS, because I felt like it was a wimpy diagnosis for people who didn't really have eating disorders. So I did my best to meet the standards I needed to, so that I would be taken seriously in treatment. I mean, it's not like I decided to throw up a certain number of times per week. That sounds silly. But I did feel like I had to learn to purge in order to be considered bulimic. What I was missing was that I was already fasting, overexercising, and using laxatives: all things that are considered bulimic when combined with bingeing. Oops. So when I finally got into treatment, I didn't have a mild case of bulimia; I had severe bulimia. Partly because of the pressure to fit a diagnosis, and partly because I was so scared to recover (read: get fat) that I had waited until my ED behaviors were super out of control. Ladies, never learn to purge. It only comes back to bite you in the ass. Once you can do it, it's always in the back of your mind as an option. And you think you can control when you do it, but really, it's controlling you. LAME.

By the way, all of the above refers to my first round of eating disorder stuff, ages 13 to 16/17. I had that relapse in February 2010, when I started this blog, and didn't quite make it to the bulimia diagnosis. But that was different, because I knew new tricks and ways to hide and ways to avoid bulimic behaviors in favor of restricting. So yes, different than high school.

Ok, enough of that. In conclusion, the weekend was good, if not stressful because of family dynamics. I'm looking forward to driving back home tomorrow (driving all day sounds suuuuper fun... not) and having a day off to do nothing :-D I hope your weekends were awesome too!

Saturday, August 6, 2011


It's ok, I'm fine. I guess I had a lot of things going on, and the stress built up. I haven't talked to my therapist specifically about the purging, but she says that stuff like wanting to cut is normal when people are overloaded, like I am now. I mean, I have rape crap on my mind, Isaac crap, stressful work, pressure because school is starting soon and I haven't done much research and haven't started applying to grad school, and I feel fat and gross. Is that enough yet? How much more can I handle? I'm also exhausted all the time because of my job, so that doesn't help. But the good news about that is that I never have the energy to cut myself. I really want to sometimes, but I usually am waaay too tired to drag myself out of bed. So that's good!

I didn't purge yesterday (Friday), but I wanted to. I mostly wanted to cut though. Idk what is going on currently, but the cutting urge is stronger than usual. It's probably related to the aforementioned stuff. Bleh. I'm so tired of this! I miss when I was feeling happier, when my meds were first kicking in. I know that my medication is working still, or else I would actually be cutting and/or purging, but I'm still annoyed. I hope that once I get to school and stop thinking about the rape, stop working, etc. then I will be less crazy.

Weeeeelll, I should go. I'm at the airport, waiting for my flight to board. I'm flying down to California to see my sister :) She is swimming at US Nationals right now. Well, she finished swimming yesterday. And GUESS WHAT?? She's a superstar; she made her Olympic Trials cut in 200 backstroke! She is going to the OLYMPIC TRIALS! My sister is so cool. I'm so so so proud of her! :-D
So anyhoo, I'm sure she's even more excited than I am (or not, who knows ;) ). My parents are already down there. They left on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like missing a whole week of work (read: $300), so I stayed and am flying out today. We will spend the weekend together in San Francisco and then drive back to Oregon on Monday and Tuesday (15 hours of torture). So I'm missing 2 days of work, but hopefully I will be refreshed and ready for 2.5 more weeks of work before I go back to school!

That's right folks! I go back to school in 3 weeks exactly! SO EXCITED! I miss my friends and I actually MISS SCHOOL. After working for 7 weeks (and 3 more to go), I am so excited to do schoolwork. School is something I can do. I'm good at it. It's my thing. Working with kids = not my calling. Adolescents, young adults, and adults, yes. Kids, no. Bleh.

Ok, enough chatter. Gotta pee before I board for my flight. Love you all!! I will update over the weekend (maybe) and let you know that I haven't purged or cut. NO CUTTING. NO PURGING. NOOOOOO. :-D

Thursday, August 4, 2011


I purged. I have no idea why. 'Nuff said.

Creepy Old Guy

It's been a challenging few days. One main thing to report is that I found Isaac, aka Creepy Old Guy, on Facebook. Have I talked about him before? I don't think I have. Here's the general story.

I was 16 and I went to an underage gay bar with friends one night; my first and last time there. I was sitting by the bar, resting my feet, and this guy came and sat next to me. We started talking, and eventually he gave me his number. I was super flattered, especially because I had really low self-esteem due to my ED and had never had a serious boyfriend before. At this point, I didn't really know/admit to myself that I was gay. So anyway, I texted him the next day. Originally, he claimed to be 21, but after we texted for a bit, he admitted to being 28. This should have been my cue to run away fast, but I didn't for some reason. We started dating, and things quickly progressed, in terms of sexual stuff. At first, I thought it was great. I felt like I was being a grownup and having a real relationship. But of course, I didn't tell any of my friends that I was dating him, because I knew they would say that I shouldn't do it.

After only a little while of dating, maybe two or three weeks, he started to tell me that he loved me, that we should get married someday, that he wanted to follow me to college, etc. I thought that it was kind of creepy and  sketchy, but I went with it because I didn't know what else to say. I felt like I had to reciprocate, because isn't that what adults do? Now I know better, but my 16-year-old self wasn't as smart as my 21-year-old self. Around the same time that he started getting creepy, I started to get tired of doing the sexual stuff that he wanted. We didn't have official intercourse, in case you were curious. But I didn't want to do it anymore, whatever it was. However, I thought that if people loved each other (I had convinced myself that I did love him), then they did what the other partner asked. He said things like, "If you loved me, you would...." so that I would do what he wanted. He didn't use force or threats, but it was an unspoken rule that 'no' wasn't really an ok answer. So I never really said no, but I never said yes either, and I didn't want it.

We dated for four months before I finally worked up the courage to break it off. I was really desperate for someone to love me (besides my parents), and that made it hard to dump the only person who said that he loved me. But I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I ended it. After that, I realized that I was really messed up because of what he did. I would drive by his street and hyperventilate and have flashbacks. I would see someone who looked slightly like him and freak out. When I got to college, I was hypervigilant because he had said that he would follow me to college, and I was paranoid that he really would. This was five years ago now, and I still have flashbacks. I can't do certain sexual activities because I get flashbacks or they remind me of him. My ex helped with that a bit, but you can't undo everything in a short period of time.

So yes, that's Isaac. After we broke up, I broke off all contact. I unfriended him on Myspace and deleted all the pictures of him, etc. But every so often, I wondered what he was up to, if he was victimizing any other underage girls. So I would look for him, but I was never able to find him again. Until now. I randomly decided to look again on Monday, and I found him. As soon as I saw his picture, I felt a jolt go through my body, and I knew. I knew it was him, even though he has more facial hair now, and he looks older. I guess he's 33 now... weird. Since I found him, I can't stop looking! I think that part of me thinks if I look at his picture enough, I will desensitize myself, and it won't bother me as much. I don't know if that's true, but whatever. Whatever the cause, I need to stop looking. NOT GOOD!

The good news is that he lives in Texas now, not Oregon or Wisconsin, so I don't have to worry about running into him. For the longest time, I was super paranoid that I would see him somewhere. The bad news is that now I have a very real face to put on my fuzzy memories, which makes them more vivid and distressing. But that's ok; I needed to face them anyway, right? I'll be fine :)

So that's my big thing for the week. There is more, but this post is SUUUUPER long now, so I'll talk to you all later! <3

Saturday, July 30, 2011


Ok, so here's what happened last night. After I blogged, I was texting Isabel (or was that before... idk), and after I texted her about what I was confused about, she didn't text back for like two hours. During that time, shit went down. I convinced myself that no one liked me and I was a horrible person. I thought about the rape and abuse a lot, and that was bad, of course. I struggled for about an hour with thoughts about self-injury. It got to the point where I was all ready, razor out, watch off my wrist, tissues within reach. No bandaids. That's what I forgot. Spent at least 20 minutes fighting with myself. Finally, after swearing for a minute, I texted a friend. Help. As soon as I did that, it felt like I had won, and I was able to put everything away and distract myself with a movie. So that's the good news :)

Around midnight, just as I was deciding to go to sleep, Isabel called me. What our conversation comes down to is this: she didn't have feelings for me until we restarted our hooking up in April. And she didn't really admit them to herself until now. So basically, she has feelings for me but loves her boyfriend, and even if we see each other, nothing can happen. Which I kind of knew already, but it's sad to hear it. I kind of feel like I've been dumped, even though a) I already knew that nothing would come of our relationship, and b) we weren't dating or anything. Wow, I'm lame. I also feel really responsible for the whole situation. I was the one who initiated the restarting in April. I knew that it was a really bad idea for me, and I knew that I would get hurt, but I decided to do it anyway. But I figured that she was the kind of person who could have friends-with-benefits relationship and not get hurt. Oops. I have never seen this kind of relationship end well. Ever. I should have known better. I feel like it's my fault, even though she spent a good 30 minutes trying to convince me otherwise last night. Oh well.

So that's that. Nothing much to report about today. I have been watching TV, doing laundry, and thinking about doing some research. Grrr. I'm just so angry with myself. That's basically my mood for the day: frustrated and angry at myself.
<3 you all.

I am so confused

The red thing is a heart, and the other thing (holding the leash) is a brain. Get it?

I have been reading Isabel's blog (you know, my make out buddy), and it's confusing me. She just gave me the link, and I've been reading posts she wrote about me in October, November, January, April, etc. I guess I have been thinking that she has feelings for me too, since she claims to miss me a lot. But maybe I've been wrong all along. I mean, duh, she's in love with her boyfriend! They are probably going to get married! I just need to get over it. I need to move on, because this isn't healthy. I've been deceiving myself for way to long. Come on, Liz, get with it! Be realistic. You have no chance with this girl, and it's time to let go. Accept the fact that even if you do see her again, it doesn't matter; it's still the same situation as it was.

Other than that realization, things have been normal. I'm super glad that work is over for the week; only four weeks to go! My kids were super cute this week because they were 1st graders. One of the little girls kissed a little boy, and they ended up trying to hold hands and be near each other all week. It was totally adorable, but it wasn't necessarily appropriate for camp, so we had to have a talk about keeping our mouths to ourselves (lol). SO CUTE!

I have had my rape on my mind a lot this week. I've been doing a lot of work around it in therapy, and I have homework for therapy that keeps me thinking about it outside of my session. Plus I had coffee with this friend (that I mentioned in my last post, let's call her Amy) and we pretty much talked about our experiences with rape the whole time. So I've been thinking about it and having memories about it (and my sexual abuse experience too) this whole week. It pretty much sucks. I DO NOT want to be thinking about this. I want to cut. Right now. Really bad. THIS SUCKS.
That's all.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sometimes, therapy sucks.

I need to be posting more! I just keep forgetting. Nothing much has happened since my last post. My weekend went well :) I actually did some research for my thesis yesterday! Miracle! I really need to get on that...

I had a therapy session today and we went over that list from my last post. I had two lists, one for Morgan and one for Isaac. They are both longer than the ones on my blog. I had to read them aloud, and then I had to respond to each point as if I was talking to a friend (like you did, Peri!). BLAH. IT SUCKED. I am pretty sure I cried for the whole session. FUZZMONKEYS. Even though I have been told that I'm not dirty, I didn't deserve it, it's not my fault, it's really hard to say it to myself. I guess I didn't realize until today that I am still blaming myself for what happened. And that sucks! I wish it would just go away!! Now my therapist wants me to write out those comments, like I'm talking to a friend (me), and then read it aloud to myself. FUZZMONKEYS. I DON'T WANT TO!! It's gonna suck, but I'll make it through.

On a similar note, I am having coffee on Thursday with a friend who was also assaulted around the same time I was. She doesn't go to my school, and we're actually not close friends at all. But I heard from someone else that she had been assaulted, and I made sure to tell her that she could talk to me if she needed anything. We did end up talking in December (during winter break), and now we're going to have coffee! I am excited to catch up with her and see how she's doing :) You want to know something else? When I was talking to "myself" today in therapy, I was imagining that it was her. I know that the things I was saying to myself are things that she needs to hear too. I hope we have a wonderful coffee date!! :-D

Weeeellll, that's about it. I'm going to sleep now! Well, let's be realistic: I'm going to consider going to sleep now, lol. Bye! Love you all!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Focusing on the positive

Sup? I can't believe how long it's been! 8 days... I've just been really busy and I always seem to have something else to do. I have thought about blogging a bunch of times, but then I never get around to it. Odd...

Work is good, but stressful. Yesterday we had a woman try to take a child without her photo ID. We make the parents (or whoever is picking up) show photo ID so that we know that they are approved to pick up. It's a security thing. This woman didn't have any ID (how is she driving without her license??), and she tried to take her kid three times while I was calling my supervisor. I almost had to call the police on her! Ridiculous. Other than that, no specific drama to mention.

My friend Diana (name has been changed, as with all the people I mention on this blog) came to visit me this weekend, which was fantastic! We hung out and visited some places around my city, and had a wonderful time. We also talked about some pretty intense stuff, which was good for both of us. I wish she hadn't had to go home! I miss her already :(

My therapist and I have been talking about the ways in which my trauma experiences have affected me, and I thought I'd share some of what I've been journaling about. This stuff is about Morgan, the woman who raped me.

-         I know that I have the strength to do the right thing (like report her).
-         I haven’t retaliated against her or any of the friends that sided with her.
-         I found out who my true friends were because of what happened.
-         It made me stop wanting to hook up with people so much.
-         It made me stop drinking so much (i.e. I might have 4 drinks now instead of 10).

-         I never want to have sex or do anything that involves below-the-waist contact EVER AGAIN.
-         I feel like a dirty skank.
-         I often wonder if what she said is true, and if I am crazier than I thought.
-         I have enemies at my school, and I know that people judge me by it.
-         I feel like maybe it didn't count as much because I don’t remember.
-         I HATE that I can’t remember, and the made-up memories of what might have happened are worse than the real ones.
-         The whole situation makes me want to cut.

So that's some of my thoughts on the situation. I hadn't realized there were so many positives that came from it! You should see the positives list about Isaac! It's even longer, which is amazing, since I only focused on the massive amounts of negatives for a long time. I like this exercise, because it makes me realize that not all impacts are bad. Yes, there is some bad stuff that has come from being raped, but not all of it is bad. Some of it has made me a stronger, more capable person, and I'm grateful for that. Does that mean I forgive her? Haha, yah right. But I'm working on it. Hate is not good, and I don't want to walk around for my whole life hating her. 

Wellllll, I should sleep. Boo. Sleep is for wimps. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Forgetting to eat??

Today is Tuesday... I wish it were Friday. I'm just so tired this week! I hope I survive until Friday. But anyways... The week has been alright so far, even though I'm tired. My weekend was nice, and much needed. My mother and I went to a baseball game on Saturday night, which I thought would be torture, but was in fact quite fun :) Here are some lovely pictures:
Pitcher Sequence

Cracker Jacks!

The ending score: We won!

It was great! I had TONS of fun taking those pictures. Action shots are hard! Anyhoo, Sunday was pretty chill. Yesterday I had therapy again. We talked about my anxiety. Talking about my childhood (related to anxiety) makes me realize how little I really remember of it. I don't have feelings or thoughts of my childhood until age 12. I only have images. LAME. So frustrating.

Something that's been bugging me: I am eating weird. Not on purpose, I swear! I have to be at work at noon, and so I leave at 11 or 11:15 am, because there is a ton of traffic usually (WHY???). This means that I'm generally eating lunch at 10:30 or 10:45 am, if at all. Lots of times, I have an appointment or something right before I have to leave for work, so I don't have time for lunch. Like today: for some reason, I just forgot to plan in time for lunch, so I didn't eat it. I had cereal for breakfast, and then I had a few pretzels at work, but that was it until 7:30 pm. And the odd thing is that I'm not really hungry at work. However, I can tell when I haven't eaten, because I get bitchier than usual. So I don't really know what to make of the whole situation. I'm not starving myself on purpose, but I just forget to eat. This is so weird for me. I never used to forget to eat. Huh.

Well, I'm off to veg in front of the TV. Love you all!

Friday, July 8, 2011

My week, so far

Yo! I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged! I honestly forgot about this blog until this morning. This week has been so crazy, that I haven't had a chance to breathe. Monday was wonderful, since there was no work. Tuesday was good. I had an appointment with my therapist. She has a theory for my broken brain! For those of you just catching up, my brain has issues. I have very few memories of my life. What I do have is in flashes and pictures. Generally black and white. And very few and far between. I'm missing all of my childhood (except for a few pictures), most of high school, and a lot of college. See this post for more details.

So my therapist's theory is that since I have a very high anxiety level, and I had an extremely high anxiety level when I was younger, I can't focus on much else. When my brain is so preoccupied with being anxious and dealing with that, it has a hard time processing and storing the other information coming in, like life events and such. It's an interesting theory, I think. My theory was that I am permanently stuck in fight-or-flight mode, because of all the trauma I have been through. In fight-or-flight, you either remember everything super clearly, or you block out everything. Clearly, I would have the blocking out type. I don't know who is right here, but they are both viable theories :)

So on with my week. Tuesday at work was good, but a bit crazy, since it was the "Monday" of the week (no work Monday cuz of the 4th of July). Wednesday, I only worked two hours, and then took the rest of the day off to go to an info session on the graduate program I want to attend. It was a great session and I definitely want to do this program (it's a Masters in Social Work program). Now I just have to get in... they only accept 150 students out of the 700 applications they receive each year! Yuck.

I also got in trouble at work on Wednesday. I neglected to remind my supervisors that I would be leaving early, so they neglected to find me a sub. When I got to work on Wednesday, I assumed that they would have found someone, so I left after two hours, like I'd planned. And apparently, I should have a) reminded them more often, and b) found a sub (even though they said they would take care of it). Ugg. They didn't mention it today, so whatever. I'm sure it's fine. It does raise the amount of pressure I'm under though. Now I feel like I have to be even more perfect.

Today was a good, easy day. I didn't do much at work, and tonight, all I did was watch TV and paint my nails :) Yay for relaxation! I also went to the doctor today to talk about my breathing issues. He said that I have temporary asthma caused by an allergic reaction to whatever was in the box. My lung function is down 30%, which is fairly significant. He gave me some pills that should take care of it in a few weeks, so yay! I'm glad that I'm not broken forever. I'm tired of coughing and not being able to breathe.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm super glad. I need a weekend. I hope you guys have a great Friday and weekend too! <3

Monday, July 4, 2011

Updates! On really old stuff too.

I haven't cut myself, which is good. My period is coming to an end, and I think the hormones are letting up. I was not a raging bitch at work on Thursday (on Wednesday, I was a crazy person) and Friday was a good day. Yesterday (Sunday) I was a bit bitchy, but that was for good reasons. First, my dad got freaked out at me for eating some whipped cream (his words were, "Stop eating that! Save some for the rest of us!"), when he didn't even want me to buy it in the first place! I was already a little emotional before that happened, because the church message was about forgiving those who have hurt you, and of course my mind went straight to Morgan and Isaac (the two people who have sexually assaulted/abused me). Crying in church sucks.

But anyway, after I recovered from my anger at my dad, I went shopping. Yay for 4th of July sales! I was trying to get to a specific shopping center, but I didn't know where it was and I forgot to ask the parents before I left. So after calling them 10 times and being convinced that they'd been murdered while I was gone, I spent 30 minutes driving aimlessly around the same area before finally finding it. But the good news is that I got a beautiful shirt for only $10! Of course, my parents were not dead when I got home, but I was still pretty angry with them. I hid out in my room for a while, and felt better.

On a completely different note, I realized that I never ended the best friend saga! If you look at these posts: one, two, three, four, and five, you'll see the crazy saga of my best friend Jamie and our epic fights. Some of the posts also include conflicts with my other friend Dana, but mostly this is about Jamie. Sooo, now that you're all caught up, here's what happened: Jamie and I got in another HUGE fight at the beginning of May. It was Jamie's birthday, and we took her out to dinner. Or rather, she forced us to go to an expensive place with her. I didn't get her a card or anything, because she had said that she didn't want anything. Plus I forgot. She seemed cool with that.

Then I found out that my paternal grandmother died, and I told Jamie and Dana the next day at dinner. When I told them that, Jamie's only response was, "On my birthday??? That makes it 10x worse!" My response to that was to tell her that she was so incredibly selfish for making this all about her, when really she should be asking how I was doing. She got pissed about that and left. I went to my room and blocked her on Facebook (immature, I know) because I was done. I was just done with our friendship. I was fed up with being abused, mistreated, trampled on, and blamed for everything. Then Jamie came over and yelled at me for not getting her a bday card! Like, seriously? What the hell. When she finished yelling, I told her that I was done. I told her that I couldn't be in this friendship anymore because it made me feel like crap all the time. She said that if she left my room, then we could never speak again. I almost decided to take her back, but thankfully, my better sense kicked in and I kicked her out.

Jamie and I spoke briefly over Facebook message after that, mostly to make sure that neither of us would talk about the other to other friends. Dana and I remained friends, and now we are basically best friends. For real though, not for fake, like with Jamie. We're still working on getting close, like I am with my other friends, but we are WAY closer than Jamie and I ever were.

The reason I thought of this is because I sent Jamie a Facebook message yesterday to wish her a happy summer and 4th of July. I figured that I could still be nice to her, because hating people just sucks. We've been talking a lot during the past 24 hours, and it's nice to be on good terms with her. Yay!

So that's it! I still can't breathe very well from the incident that happened at work (see my last post). If I can't breathe tomorrow, I am reporting it to my supervisor and going to the doctor. I haven't been able to sing in my car! Torture! I also can't do cardio, which is less of a torture, lol.
Oh, also, I've lost weight. Not on purpose, it just happened. I think I've gained muscle and lost fat from all the working out :) Just thought I'd notify you all. It's not much, but people can tell. I've gotten comments.

Sorry this is such a long post! Anyhoo, I gotta go to a lunch with my gramma and parents now! Should be fun :) Love you all!!!! <3

Friday, July 1, 2011


Hey :) I have been so incredibly lazy this week. I have my period, and it's screwing with my life. Firstly, it's making me a huge bitch, which is not good for work. I am more prone to yell at the kids and get in trouble with my bosses. NOT GOOD. Secondly, I just don't want to do anything. Ever. All I want to do is sleep. And thirdly, it's making me really moody and depressed. I want to cut all the time. I take little things and make them into mountains. THIS SUCKS. I hate my period. It needs to go away NOW. NOWWWW.

Thank goodness that tomorrow is Friday. I don't know if I could take any more of this week! AND it's a holiday weekend (4th of July, Independence Day, for those of you who don't live in the U.S.), so I have no work on Monday. THREE DAY WEEKEND, FUCK YES! I need this weekend. I am so tired.

Today at work, I managed to injure myself in two ways. First, I got stabbed in the finger by one of those sharp leaves when I was retrieving a ball during recess. And second, I inhaled some cardboard dust while I was helping one of the kids build a lava tube from a cardboard box, and now I can't breathe very well. I keep coughing and I can't take deep breaths at all. I think I should not work out tomorrow (not that I was going to anyway, but whatever). Besides getting hurt, today was actually a pretty good day at work. I didn't kill any children. Always a plus.

That's pretty much it. The bottom line is this: my period sucks and it's screwing with my life. And I want to hurt myself. Right now. A lot. Grr.

I think that the only thing stopping me is that I have not cut in 62 days, as of today. I thought that today was 60 days, but I've been counting wrong this whole time. Over 2 months! That's a lot. And I don't want to screw it up. I hope that I don't screw it up.

Monday, June 27, 2011


I've been doing alright. Since I wrote that last post about being fine and happy, I have been less than fine and happy. I started having flashbacks again, and since I found that razor, I have wanted to cut all the time. I lie in bed at night and think about cutting. I also have been completely unable to sleep until 3 or 4 am for about 3 days straight now. I am just so anxious that I can sit still. It's like the pit of my stomach is rising into my throat, and if I don't move, I might explode or die. Today I am running on 3 hours of sleep, I started my period, I had my stupid filling, and I had a really stressful day at work. And I have a splitting headache that might turn into a migraine (since I'm on my period, I'm expecting one any day now...). Sounds like fun, right?

My filling was actually fine. The worst part was the numbing part, when they stuck a needle into my gum and injected Novocaine. Other than that, it was just really freaky to feel the drill vibrating and hear it. THEY DRILLED INTO MY TOOTH. WTF. But it didn't and doesn't hurt. My jaw is a bit sore, and I chewed my cheek some because I couldn't feel anything, but those are my only complaints. That, and the $100 that it cost. But oh well.

This weekend, I realized how crappy junk food can make you feel. I basically only ate junk all weekend, and I felt like shit. Don't do it. It sucks. It was fun, but don't do it. Since Peri asked, you microwave s'mores by putting a marshmallow in the microwave for about 17 seconds (depending on the microwave, you want it to be squishy, but not explode) and stick it on a graham cracker with chocolate. Magic, s'more! Yay! It is DELICIOUS.

I think my brain is going to fall out. Talk later chicas :)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Weeeeek bleeeeh

Hey! I have officially finished a week of work, and it feels great. I am pretty much hating my job. I like kids, but a) my feet are killing me after a day of work because of my Achilles tendonitis, and b) the kids are fucking crazy. I am so glad it's the weekend, but I am having a hard time imagining how I'm going to get through 9 more weeks of this... My parents are out of town again this weekend, but no fun plans. Last night, and I ate Taco Bell (which I'm not really allowed to have usually, since my parents think I'm fat) and made s'mores in the microwave. DELICIOUS. Then I watched TV until 1 am. I slept till noon today, watched more TV, and I'm about to go see my gramma. We are going to shop for a new recliner for her, have dinner, and see a movie. My gramma is the coolest lady. I love her so much <3

Oh, I should mention that my hamstring is mostly fine (remember, I injured it on Saturday last week). It still bothers me some when I'm on the bike, but I'm taking it slow and trying to be careful.

In other news, I found a razor when I was cleaning my room the other day. I don't quite know what to do with it. I realize I should throw it away, but part of me wants to keep it, just in case. Stupid, I know. I'll probably throw it away this weekend. Bleh.

Also, I found this gem when reading some old journal entries: "Everything sucks balls. Life sucks balls. And that sucks, because I’m gay so I don’t like sucking balls. Lol."
Direct quote there. I am SO COOL. Ahahahaha :)

I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need therapy after all. Here's the thing: I feel good. Yes, I'm stressed out as hell because of my job. Yes, sometimes I feel like shit. Yes, sometimes I feel like self-harming, but I only think about it (briefly) and never do it. But honestly, since I got my medication dose upped, I feel great. I like myself, I'm happy, I laugh more, I don't want to kill my parents. I don't have flashbacks. I'm in therapy because I have flashbacks. And I really don't anymore. And even when I think about that bitch, I don't freak out much. I sure as hell don't forgive her, but I don't have a panic attack when I think about her. If I start thinking about exactly what might have happened, then it gets a little dicey. But otherwise, I'm good. I don't know. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I guess I'll tell her this stuff, and we'll see how it goes. 

Finally, I have a cavity. I know, big deal. But it's my first one, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I have a filling scheduled for Monday (which, oopsies, is scheduled for 2.5 hours before my therapy appointment... I hope I don't look/talk funny during that). I'm scared! I don't want a filling! I don't want a cavity!! LAME. 

Ok... I have to go. BYE! I hope your weekends are fabulous. Stay awesome.