Thursday, September 22, 2011


So I guess the last time I posted was a week ago. It's been a really, really, really long week. I feel like each day is a week in itself, yet I never seem to get anything done. And I am so so tired all the time. I'm sleeping an average of 4 hours per night. I might have been averaging 6 hours per night during the first week of classes, but it's been pretty consistently 4 or 5 hours averaged since then. I'm a zombie. I'm an emotional wreck because I'm so tired. I'm overwhelmed by all the things I need to get done in the next three weeks. I cry a lot. My hands shake more than usual and my handwriting is getting significantly worse because of that. My stress level is through the roof.

Basically, I need a break. But I don't have time for one. I don't even have time to be writing this.

I'm just so burnt out already. I am officially a quarter through with the semester, and I'm already dead. It feels like finals week, but it's not. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester. I still have to apply to graduate school too.

I was seriously considering self-injury last night, because I know that it helps me relax. Isn't that sad, that I consider hurting myself over school work?

Guys, I'm not going to make it. I'm scared.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Well that sucks

Oh guys... I don't even know what to say. I am swamped with homework and stressed. I am sleeping less than is desirable. Sometimes I get breaks, but they are usually unplanned and they make me feel stressed because I should be doing homework. Thesis... grr...

On another note. As you'll notice, I took down the "Time since last purge" and "Time since last self-injury" sidebars. I need to stop counting. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me realize that I'm an all-or-nothing type of person. I mean, I knew that already. But I feel like when I count things, like how many days I have resisted purging, I am making it all or nothing. And if I mess up, then it's all over, and it doesn't even matter anymore. So I am going to *try* to stop counting, and start celebrating successes and PROGRESS, rather than numbers of days.

Speaking of messing up... I messed up. I was in class yesterday and I totally screwed up a comment I was making. I basically interpreted a quote to mean the exact opposite of what it actually meant. Which doesn't sound that bad, but I feel like I'm doing a horrible job in that class anyway. It intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate. But the point is, I was really, really embarrassed and distressed. Automatic reaction? Hurt self. I didn't even think about it. I just did. (Let's back up a bit. When I was younger, before I knew what self-injury was, I used to dig my nails into the sides of my body when I had my arms crossed across my chest. I just knew that it helped me calm down if I felt distressed or punish myself if I thought I needed it. I mostly used it in dance class.) I haven't dug my nails into my skin in quite a while, but I did. And after the automatic reaction, I realized what I was doing, and didn't stop. Now, I could say that this doesn't count, because I didn't actually cut myself with a blade or anything and I didn't leave any lasting marks, but as I was discussing with that friend, it's the intent that matters. I intended to hurt myself. Therefore, it is self-injury. Unfortunately. I have no idea how many days I was up to, but I guess they're gone now...

BUT I'm trying to move on. Numbers are way, way too important to me. Days since ____, grades, weight, etc. I have a number obsession. So goodbye, numbers. I know that it will be a struggle to see them go, but I really can't keep obsessing over them. It's detrimental to my life, and I need to stop.

That's kind of all that has been happening. I seriously don't do anything besides eat, sleep (sometimes), go to meetings, go to class, and do homework. I hope you guys are having a better week than me. The whole messing-up thing kind of put a damper on my good mood.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

To clarify...

Hey guys! So I got a comment on my last blog that made me think I needed to clarify some things about my eating disorder. Here is the comment: 
"I don't think you should do anything with disordered eating if you still have an e.d. It's hypocritical and someone might find out, ya know?"

I'm just confused mostly, because I don't have an eating disorder anymore. Clearly, this is a recovery blog (since it says RECOVERY at the top, in the title description). I had bulimia and EDNOS in high school and the beginning of college, but now I'm recovering. I don't meet any sort of criteria for any clinical level of an eating disorder. I don't engage in behaviors such as restricting, purging, fasting, overexercising, etc. Yes, I did have a slip-up 36 days ago, when I purged. But really, that happens once in a blue moon, and that's just part of recovery; you win some and you lose some. But I always get it back :) And yes, I have disordered eating habits. I eat weird things. I skip dinner occasionally (but not on purpose, it just sort of happens). I eat unhealthily large amounts of chocolate and Twizzlers when I'm stressed. I dislike my body sometimes. I avoid certain clothing items because they makes me look fat(ter). But I'm not eating disordered; just a little messed up, like the rest of the world. 

Another thing: This comment mentioned that people might find out about my eating disorder. Weeeeeell, they already know. I am completely open about it. If it comes up, I will tell people. I have a tattoo of the ED recovery symbol, and if people ask me about it, I will tell them exactly what it is and why I have it. I even did a presentation in high school, after my first bout with bulimia, about my ED and general ED info. So I'm very open and honest. That's just my style. After lying and cheating and hiding for eight years, I am tired of it and I want to be free. So I tell. And it's awesome, let me tell you :)

So that's that. I just thought I'd clarify those points. Megan, person who commented, I'm not upset with you. I am curious though: how is it hypocritical for me to do an experiment about disordered eating? I am not seeing it, but perhaps I'm missing it. Just let me know, if you can. 

Ok, BEDTIME. So tired! <3

Friday, September 9, 2011

Another week...

I can't believe it's been another week! On one hand, each day seems like a week in itself, and it's hard to keep track of what happened when. But on the other hand, it seems like school is flying by already and I can't believe that I've been here for two weeks already. My classes are basically running my life, which is fine, since I am here to go to school (whaaaat? when did that happen??). I have been trying to be responsible and set goals for myself. I make a to-do list of academic/non-academic things each day. I only got the the non-academic things today. But in my defense, today is the first day all week that I haven't done something academic on my list.

Speaking of my thesis, I met with my adviser and he wants me to have narrowed down my topic area by the next time we meet, in two weeks. Which means that I get to read 75 articles between now and then. That's about 5 articles per day. So yesterday and the day before, I read my 5 articles. Today I only read one, which just means that I have to read 9 tomorrow (uuuuuuuugggg). I am doing my thesis on disordered eating, and something. I want to pull a sample of disordered eaters from my school (eating disorders and disordered eating are different, fyi) and do an experiment with them. So for example, I might make my participants anxious by making them give an oral presentation, and then have them do an ice cream taste-test and see how much ice cream they eat (compared to a control group who aren't made anxious). But I have to figure out whether I'm going to manipulate anxiety, or do something media related, or mess with body image. In the next two weeks. Yay...

Honestly, not much is happening. School is pretty much my life right now. I'm boring, I know. In terms of mental health, I think I'm doing alright. I haven't had any sort of thoughts or urges to hurt myself in weeks (I think). I have situational depression, but it doesn't last long and it's not the same as actual clinical depression. My eating has been very odd, but that's college, I guess. I keep skipping/forgetting to eat/not feeling like eating dinner. I think that's happened three times in the last two weeks. I just don't feel like leaving my room, or I'm upset and don't want to eat, or I feel like napping instead. I did it tonight again because I had a difficult day and just didn't want to be around people. But I got suuuuuper hungry around 9 pm and ordered pizza. So that's better than eating nothing, which is what I did the other times. In terms of body image, it's alright. I'm avoiding some of my clothes and I feel bloated, but what else is new?

OH! ALSO, my four months self-injury free passed last week! I totally forgot to say anything. So now I'm OVER four months without cutting! Pretty sweet :)

Yah, I think that's about it. I hope you guys have a good weekend! <3

Friday, September 2, 2011

Finally able to blog!

I'm sorry it's been so long! I have been trying to blog since I got back to school, but it hasn't been working. First, my internet was totally down. I couldn't connect with an ethernet cord (plugged into the wall) or through wireless. So I finally got it fixed on Monday, but was suuuuper busy because of classes starting. So on Tuesday, I was going to blog, but my newly fixed internet was screwed up again. And since then, every night between 9 pm and 1 am, I can't get online. I think my wireless router is really old (like 3 years, which isn't that much, but whatever) and it can't handle all the traffic. Everyone on campus is doing homework between those times, so the system gets overloaded. Which sucks, because that's when I do homework too! I guess I'll have to go somewhere else if I need the internet for homework during those times. But anyhoo, I literally haven't been able to blog until tonight, because during the day I am too busy and at night I have no internet.

Soooo, school started again! Classes began on Tuesday. But let's back up a bit. I left for school on Saturday morning and met my friend Isabel at the airport in Chicago, since she lives there now. We took the bus to my school together, because she wanted to visit. She stayed with my until Tuesday afternoon.

So remember how she realized how she had feelings for me and we decided to just be friends, because she has a boyfriend, so we can't be more than friends? See this post. Well, we fail at that. I was prepared to be just friends, even though I was wishing that we weren't, and that didn't happen. We ended up doing non-friend stuff, but nothing explicit like making out. Just long, long hugs and snuggling and such. We talked about it, and I'm still not sure what we are going to do, because she will probably come to visit again... I can't do this anymore. We either need to be friends, or more than friends. We can't go back and forth! It's very confusing. My brain is lost.

I know that all sounded negative, but it was really nice to have her here. I LOVED seeing her again. I missed her so much! As a friend and as more. We had lots of fun together and it was really cool to have her staying with me. When she left, it felt super weird to have an empty room, because she had been here since I moved in. I miss her again already!! :-(

Besides that, I've just been having classes. And let me tell you, senior year is going to SUCK. I like my classes so far (or mostly, I guess), but there is SO MUCH READING. I am taking Advanced Social Psych, History and Systems of Psych (required for graduation...), and intro to art history. And my thesis, of course, but it's not an actual class period. All of my classes have an insane amount of reading, especially art history. I literally spent four or five hours reading the chapters that were assigned for today. AHHH!! It's not that interesting either. I'm taking it because I need another class outside of my major to graduate. But yes, I suddenly understand why the seniors last year seemed to live in the science building. It's because they had so much work to do that they could never leave! I think the science center will become my home this semester. And I haven't even worked on my thesis in two weeks... I hope this gets better, but I know it will only get worse. But I do like my classes, except art history. So that's the good news.

I guess that's pretty much it... since I've been so busy with school and a bit of sorority stuff, I haven't had time for anything else (not even sleep...). I'm sick right now, probably because of lack of sleep and stress. Just a cold. I feel like crap, so I might go to bed. Or do more homework... blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Love you guys! Have a good weekend!