Wondering...

I'm starting to wonder whether I can do this anymore. It started out great, and I didn't mind relapsing. But now that it's been two months, I remember why I hated it in the first place. I remember why it's a disease, not something you choose. Not that I chose to relapse; it just happened. But you know, I guess I thought I was being responsible. Now I realize that it is impossible to be responsible when you are basically killing yourself, and that it would take some serious work to recover again, and I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I can love myself again, love my body again, have a "normal" relationship with food again. And I don't know if I want to deal with everyone's reactions to my relapse until I have something to show for it. So I think I'll keep going, but I hate it. I'll keep going until I meet the full criteria for anorexia, and then I might keep going after that too. Because as we all know, it's never enough. Even if I'm dying, I won't be thin enough, and that scares me.

I hate this.

I hate me.

I hate that I'm doing this to the people who love me.

I hate my life.