A journey through eating disorder and self-injury recovery, one second at a time...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I'm starting to wonder whether I can do this anymore. It started out great, and I didn't mind relapsing. But now that it's been two months, I remember why I hated it in the first place. I remember why it's a disease, not something you choose. Not that I chose to relapse; it just happened. But you know, I guess I thought I was being responsible. Now I realize that it is impossible to be responsible when you are basically killing yourself, and that it would take some serious work to recover again, and I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure I can love myself again, love my body again, have a "normal" relationship with food again. And I don't know if I want to deal with everyone's reactions to my relapse until I have something to show for it. So I think I'll keep going, but I hate it. I'll keep going until I meet the full criteria for anorexia, and then I might keep going after that too. Because as we all know, it's never enough. Even if I'm dying, I won't be thin enough, and that scares me.
I hate this.
I hate me.
I hate that I'm doing this to the people who love me.
Good luck! I'm always here for you if you need anything.
If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to email me at:
22 years old, graduate student in social work, recovering from EDNOS. I was bulimic in high school and recovered successfully. I relapsed in February 2010, and began recovery again in August 2010. I also struggle with depression and self-injury. But despite these things, I'm trying my best at recovery, and taking it one step at a time.