Sunday, April 4, 2010

First post

Hi all, this is my first post. I have recently relapsed into my eating disorder again, but this time it seems to be more anorexic than bulimic, which is what I had last time. That's totally fine with me though! I have already lost 16 pounds, and want to lose about 54 more, at least. Here is a journal entry that I wrote today:

I’m in the car, coming back from Easter. Yesterday was a DISASTER. I didn’t eat any snacks before lunch at Gramma's house, and lunch was alright as well. I had four asparagus spears (delicious!), a bunch of carrots, a tiny bit of cheesy potatoes, a tiny bit of sweet potatoes, some spinach with a sweet dressing on it, a bunch of strawberries, and a tiny amount of custard for dessert. The whole meal probably came to 150 or 200 calories at the most. But then it all went downhill from there. After lunch, we watched some TV and had an Easter egg hunt. And after the hunt, I for some reason decided that I needed some candy. So I grabbed a Reese’s peanut butter egg out of a bowl on the table. Big mistake. Once I had one, I wanted another one. But it was chill. I looked it up, and each egg probably has 15 to 20 calories. So I allotted 100 calories for candy. No big deal. Then we had dinner.

Dinner was good too. I had a little bit of the spinach, a crap ton of carrots, and some sweet potatoes. That equaled out to maybe 100 calories. So I was at a total of 500 to 600 calories for the day when I left the house. But then we got home, and that stupid giant frosted cookie looked delicious. So, I snuck a small piece of it. And it was the most amazing thing I ever tasted. So I snuck another piece, and another piece, and another piece. I estimate that I probably had somewhere between 800 and 1000 calories yesterday. That is COMPLETELY unacceptable. I yelled at myself all the way home from Gramma's house and all last night when I was trying to sleep. But I guess it’s ok. I mean, even the anorexic girl whose blog I read has cheat days. When she reaches big goals for herself, she cheats for a day and has whatever she wants. Sure, she gains a few pounds, but she loses them quickly again. So I am just thinking of yesterday as my cheat day. And 1000 calories for a cheat day is not bad, really. When the blogger cheats, she takes in 3000 or 4000 calories in a day, so I did pretty well. I will definitely not lose the four pounds I wanted to over the weekend, but that’s alright. I will be satisfied with losing 20 pounds in a month instead of in 3 and a half weeks.

So I guess that I will be ok. I am angry with myself for losing control, but I will survive. This makes me worried, however, about how this summer is going to go. The reason I do so well at school is because I only eat in the dining hall during meal times. What if this same thing happens this summer? I am glad I am staying with T and N, because they are also on healthy diets, so it should be pretty easy to stay away from sweets. I can just buy certain things for myself that will be ok to cheat with. Here are some things I will buy this summer:

Sugar-free jello

Sugar-free pudding

Cheese sticks



That looks good for now. I think it will be ok. I just have to limit the amount of time I spend around sugary foods. And if I feel like I’m going to lose control, I will do one of three things: 1) Look at thinspo and watch thinspo videos, 2) Go to the bathroom and give myself a pep talk about being thin, or 3) If I really can’t control myself, cut my thighs or ankles. The cutting part will only work once A (my boyfriend) leaves for his summer school thing, and then I have to stop doing that a few weeks before he comes back. Hopefully I will be able to avoid doing that, but now that I will have a car to drive myself to the grocery store, I can buy real razor blades! That will be nice, if I need to do it. I hate those dumb shaving razors. They never get as deep as I want to. Well, I should probably do some homework. Loves,


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