Monday, May 16, 2011


I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I have a serious memory issue. I remember basically nothing from my life. It sounds dramatic, but it's pretty much true. Childhood and middle school are completely missing, except from random flashes of events - a picture of me and my kindergarten boyfriend at my ballerina birthday party; me reading in my doorway after bedtime and getting in trouble; me sitting at the table for hours because I didn't want to eat my breakfast but was being forced to. There's more than that, but you get the idea. Middle school is completely missing except for a few key events, like switching schools, losing my friends, etc. High school is more vivid, but not by much. The events blur together, and I couldn't tell you how old I was or anything like that. College is better than all of that, but only because I just did it. And I still don't remember a lot.

I measure my life by what kind of crisis I'm having at the time. I know that my friend Jackie caught me cutting at school when I was a sophomore in high school because that's when my cutting really took off. I remember Halloween when I was 16 because I learned to purge that night. I remember last semester (fall) because of my crazy cutting, suicidal behavior, etc. I call myself a goldfish, because I was under the impression that they had a short memory span... but I just googled it and they have a memory span of at least three months. Crap. So let's go with Dory (you know, from Finding Nemo). Some people call me that too. It's kind of a running joke with my friend group that I won't remember tomorrow what we are talking about today. But really, it's probably true. I forget EVERYTHING. Really important things. How my friends and I met. Information that I just learned. Conversations that I had five minutes ago. It's really, really frustrating and embarrassing.

On that same note, I just had a very odd, unexpected flashback. I was looking at this slideshow that my parents have playing on their screensaver and I saw a picture of me in this cute pinafore dress thing. It looked a lot like this one:
I loved this pinafore. I used to pretend that I was Laura from Little House on the Prairie and I would play in my treehouse for hours. But at some point, it stopped fitting. I was really upset, because I really loved it. And my assumption was this: it doesn't fit anymore because I got fat. Not, it doesn't fit anymore because I am still a growing girl who should be getting bigger. No, I got fat. I couldn't have been more than 9 years old when this happened. My eating disorder didn't take off until I was 13, but I can see warning signs all throughout my childhood, and this is a new one that I just remembered. Weird, right?

In other news, I am home! Yay! I miss college and my friends already, but I'm glad to be done with all my stupid papers. I already know that I got an A in my religious studies class and I aced that paper (!). I'm waiting on my other grades, and it might be a week or so until I know. I really, really, really, really miss my friend Isabel. You know, the one that I have been hooking up with and have feelings for. It was crushing when we had to say goodbye. Horrible. She wrote me this wonderful letter, and I cry every time I read it. She misses me a lot too. We've been texting a TON. But I hope that in time, it won't hurt as much.

Ok, enough. I have to go to Costco and buy snacks and such, since my parents don't keep any food in the house (why???). Love you all!

1 comment:

  1. I'd offer to make you a now-sized replica of that dress, but that would involve awkward measurement questions :/

    (And I'm a lazy sewer)

    YAY you're home! Away from the Drama Llamas! Oooh the alpacalypse is coming tomorrow. You ready?

    Sadface at being away from Isabel. Hopefully this is a case where being apart brings you closer together :)

    OKOKOKGEEZE Imma email you now, ok? Look out for a peridot in your inbox :)

    Thank you so much for that comment, it was super awesome. I've been far too nice to myself and really need to get cracking on the study.