Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hello! I'm sorry it's been so long... almost two weeks. I've been avoiding blogging, partially because of so much freaking homework and partially because of shame. Sometimes I feel like I can't write on here because there are so many people in real life who read it now. Don't get me wrong: I like having people read this. I love that I don't even have to say anything, because the people in my life already know what's going on. Especially since I NEVER see anyone anymore. I only see people if they are a) eating a meal with me, or b) doing homework with me. SAD. But sometimes I feel like if I post something bad, I will get a flurry of phone calls and texts as soon as people read it. It's a catch 22.

So here's the scoop: I've been cutting again. Oops. I don't even remember why I started. It was probably about a week and a half ago, maybe slightly less. And I've been cutting a lot, pretty much every day. I haven't cut in a few days now though :) I think a lot of it is stress. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. Homework, graduate school stuff, sorority stuff, thesis stuff. I think I'm just psyching myself out too. I get freaked out, I start thinking I can't do it, I start beating myself up because I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right, I'm a failure, no one loves me (not true, I know), I suck at life. Rational me realizes that most of this is false, but in-the-moment me thinks it's all true.

The other day, a friend today me that I had betrayed her confidence. I didn't even remember what she was talking about, because it was a long time ago, but it hurt me so much that I had hurt her. I hated myself. I still hate myself for that. I need to not talk about other people. It's a bad habit and I need to stop. But that whole situation was triggering too...

Ok, this is depressing. Sorry! Happy things: It's fall break right now, which is awesome! I have been sleeping in till 11 am every day. On Sunday, my best friend and I watched Castle (a TV show) all day and didn't do any homework. Today I worked on my graduate school applications and personal statement. Uggg. It sucked, but I have a page! That's better than this morning, so that's a victory right there. Tomorrow I should make more progress and I will have it finished by the end of the week. Yay! After break, things will speed up again, and I will get super stressed out/not sleeping much again. I hope this week is a good break, because crazy is coming back soon...

Well, I'm wiped out. I'm going to sleep :) Love you all!

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