Hate

Yesterday couldn't have gotten worse. The daytime was ok. I hung out with some friends and had some delicious challah (Jewish braided bread, sooooo goood!). Then I played Monopoly with my friends Jamie and Dana. That's when stuff started going downhill.

During Monopoly, we decided as a group to go to some parties because there was this cool Traffic Light Party. You are supposed to wear green if you're single, yellow/orange if it's complicated, and red if you're taken. We discussed what we could wear, etc. I started drinking a rum and coke because I can't go to parties without drinking; I just get bored and I leave after 2 minutes (literally). My friends also started drinking. We finished playing Monopoly (I lost hardcore, lol) and then it got ugly. We were discussing what to do next, and Jamie said that she was tired and didn't want to go to the party. I was kind of pissed, because this is not the first time that she's backed out of plans. She claimed that the plans weren't definite and we should just do something else. But I drank just because we were going to the party! I told her that it was ok if she and Dana didn't want to party; I would just find another friend to go with. I was fairly drunk at this point, but not ridiculously so, and my judgment was still good and I wasn't falling over or anything.

We ended up having a HUGE argument over the situation. Jamie and Dana ganged up on me and claimed that I was being extremely selfish by saying that I wanted to go to the party with someone else. We had plans, and I was ditching them. I said that NO, I was not ditching them; our plans were to play Monopoly. We played Monopoly. If anything, they were being unfair because we had planned to go the party and they backed out. But apparently I'm selfish and I ditch my friends whenever they don't want to do what I want to do. What??

I also think that if I were in a similar situation and my friend didn't want to do what I wanted to do, I would be ok with that. I would not freak out because "they were being selfish." Uuug.

We argued for at least 2 hours, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. Jamie made it clear that she didn't want to drink with me ever again. I made it clear that I couldn't be friends with someone who was going to back out of plans repeatedly and then call ME selfish. She wouldn't give me back my alcohol. I was pissed. I left.

I went to my room. I was really angry, at myself and at them. I felt like I was a horrible person and maybe they were right. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am self-centered. I feel like I am sometimes. I talk about myself a lot, but really, how can you have a conversation without bringing your personal experiences into it?

I cut myself.

I couldn't stop sobbing.

I called my other best friends and they came over and stayed with me until I had stopped crying and felt a little better. I sobered up and drank at TON of water, and passed out. This morning it still hurts, but I know that after what happened, our friendship can't be repaired.

Last night I lost one of my oldest friends and my BEST best friend. I can't believe this is happening. I also can't believe that I cut again. During the fight, I knew that as soon as I left, I was going to cut.

This is so dumb. I hate it.