Thursday, July 21, 2011

Focusing on the positive

Sup? I can't believe how long it's been! 8 days... I've just been really busy and I always seem to have something else to do. I have thought about blogging a bunch of times, but then I never get around to it. Odd...

Work is good, but stressful. Yesterday we had a woman try to take a child without her photo ID. We make the parents (or whoever is picking up) show photo ID so that we know that they are approved to pick up. It's a security thing. This woman didn't have any ID (how is she driving without her license??), and she tried to take her kid three times while I was calling my supervisor. I almost had to call the police on her! Ridiculous. Other than that, no specific drama to mention.

My friend Diana (name has been changed, as with all the people I mention on this blog) came to visit me this weekend, which was fantastic! We hung out and visited some places around my city, and had a wonderful time. We also talked about some pretty intense stuff, which was good for both of us. I wish she hadn't had to go home! I miss her already :(

My therapist and I have been talking about the ways in which my trauma experiences have affected me, and I thought I'd share some of what I've been journaling about. This stuff is about Morgan, the woman who raped me.

-         I know that I have the strength to do the right thing (like report her).
-         I haven’t retaliated against her or any of the friends that sided with her.
-         I found out who my true friends were because of what happened.
-         It made me stop wanting to hook up with people so much.
-         It made me stop drinking so much (i.e. I might have 4 drinks now instead of 10).

-         I never want to have sex or do anything that involves below-the-waist contact EVER AGAIN.
-         I feel like a dirty skank.
-         I often wonder if what she said is true, and if I am crazier than I thought.
-         I have enemies at my school, and I know that people judge me by it.
-         I feel like maybe it didn't count as much because I don’t remember.
-         I HATE that I can’t remember, and the made-up memories of what might have happened are worse than the real ones.
-         The whole situation makes me want to cut.

So that's some of my thoughts on the situation. I hadn't realized there were so many positives that came from it! You should see the positives list about Isaac! It's even longer, which is amazing, since I only focused on the massive amounts of negatives for a long time. I like this exercise, because it makes me realize that not all impacts are bad. Yes, there is some bad stuff that has come from being raped, but not all of it is bad. Some of it has made me a stronger, more capable person, and I'm grateful for that. Does that mean I forgive her? Haha, yah right. But I'm working on it. Hate is not good, and I don't want to walk around for my whole life hating her. 

Wellllll, I should sleep. Boo. Sleep is for wimps. 


  1. Hi,
    I am new to this blog thing I have enjoyed reading yours it is funny how just a simply post makes some people feel a little connected. Look forward to reading more.

  2. I'm so glad places like your work check for id. I know places my son has been do that too, at least until they get to know/recognize you. I never minded showing his new/sub teachers @ head start my id because I knew that meant the children were safe there.

    I think it's great that you can find positives from a situation that would be so much easier to find all the negatives. :)

  3. OMFG is that Dralion's fraternal twin in that pic??? 0.0

    ID check=DAMN good idea.

    Replies to your negatives:
    -I hope not! Somethign tells me you could turn the straightest chick on earth to the 'dark side' of skirt lovin' :p
    -That's a normal feeling. But it's pure BULLSHIT.
    -She's trying to attack you, undermine and make you feel worse. Ignore her.
    -That tells me there are a whole bunch of total FUCKWADS at your school. Now you know who are the dipshits its best to avoid wasting time on.
    -Still counts.
    -*Shudders* The cockroach you can't see is worse than the 10 you can. Try not to think about the gory details so much, if you can? *Huggles*
    -Don't let that bitch put more marks on you than she already has.