Thursday, April 21, 2011
- I don't trust her as much as I trust my other friends.
- She would be my second or third call if I needed help with something (ED, cutting, rape related).
- We fight about stupid stuff all the time.
- I feel like she is always judging me.
- Every time we have an argument, she manages to make it all my fault. She is never doing anything wrong.
- She makes me feel like a bad person when we fight.
- She doesn't know what I need (in freak-out situations), and doesn't tend to listen when I tell her.
All of this makes me question if we should be friends. The other thing is that we are basically best friends by default. She doesn't have any other friends and I don't have any other friends who don't already have a best friend. I hate being the third wheel, and I'm not with her. But that shouldn't make us best friends... I don't know. This sucks. Thankfully, she's studying in Chicago next semester, so I won't see her as much.
In other news, I forgot to tell ya'll that I purged... yah. I don't know what to make of it. I think this was a few weeks ago, but I can't remember exactly when. I was drinking and it was the end of the night. I was trying to sober up, and thus was eating cheetos and drinking a crap-ton of water. I was feeling like I was going to barf anyway, so I made myself throw up to hurry the process along. But unfortunately, it didn't stop there. I did that several times during the following two hours. I don't know what I was thinking, but I don't think it was a good idea all around. I don't think I needed to keep barfing, so I'm not sure what my thought process was. So like I said, I'm not sure what to make of that.
And finally... I had another hook-up. No, not with Isabel. I went to a party on Tuesday night (we didn't have class on Wednesday because it was Spring Day, which is a day every year where we just get to have fun- bouncy castle, water balloon fight, laser tag, dunk tank, etc.) and I met this guy. He wasn't that attractive, but he started grinding on me on the dance floor and I didn't stop him. Eventually, we ended up making out and I brought him back to my room. He was kind of a douche... he dissed Greek life, which pissed me off, but I let it slide. But when we were hooking up (making out topless, basically), I was just BORED. He was a bad kisser and I was bored. My body was responding, but my brain was somewhere else. Instead of thinking about the hook-up, I was thinking about my laundry... lol. So I finally kicked him out. I told him that I was too sober, haha. And I was, I was totally sober. Also, he gave me this huge hickey, but I'm a MASTER at getting rid of hickey's, so it was gone the next day (ha!). But after he left, I showered because I felt dirty. He was gross and I should have known better. Ew ew ew ew.
All of this kind of worries me. I'm hooking up with people, drinking more, feeling happier and more confident for no reason... does this sound familiar? It sounds like last semester to me. I really don't need a hypomanic episode right now. Please go away, hypomania... grr. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Idk.