Sunday, July 25, 2010

*insert inappropriate string of swear words here*

This weekend has been shit, but fortunately I've only gained four pounds. I was 178 this morning, up from 174 on Thursday. I can't believe that I fucked up again. How do I let this happen? Obviously something I'm doing is NOT working and something has to change for my life to work. I have a new plan; here it is:

I will eat something small (under 100 calories) for breakfast, like yogurt or fruit or egg whites. At work, I will try not to eat anything. However, if there is something that I want to eat at work, I will allow myself one serving of whatever it is. For example, if there are donuts, I will eat one. If there is candy, I will have a piece. That way, I don't feel like I'm depriving myself, but I'm not eating too much. 
When my boyfriend comes home in two weeks, I will eat a small lunch (under 300 calories) so that he thinks I'm eating. Finally, I will eat a small dinner (under 300 calories) so that people think I'm eating. Mostly salad, hopefully. 

The total calories should be under 800 per day, which should be enough to lose a good amount of weight per week. I'm not going to push it, because when I get too extreme, I binge. THIS WILL WORK. I hope. Wish me luck!

I thought long and hard about recovery this week, and decided against it. The deciding factor was really a conversation that I had with Robin on Friday night/Saturday morning. We were talking about what we would do when we if we woke up today and had the perfect body and knew what we had to do to keep it. I said that I wouldn't be able to do it, because I would still be using my ED as a coping mechanism even if I had the body I wanted. My ED isn't about my body; it's about my life. I use food as a way to deal with the stresses in my life. I have a lot of anxiety, probably Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have very low self-esteem. Robin asked me why I didn't want to figure out other ways to deal with my anxiety and depression, and I realized that I just am not ready to let go of my ED. Even when I was "in recovery" before my relapse, I was still engaging in ED behaviors. I never really let go of it, even though I thought I did. And I'm still not ready to, therefore I can't recover just yet. But maybe someday I'll have the courage to let go of these behaviors and get better. I hope.

 I just want you guys to know that I love you :) You're the best friends I have. Thanks so much for being here for me! Stay strong <3


  1. Good luck honey, lots of love :)

    And I suppose I wouldn't want to be completely barren, but temporarily would be awesome. If I could somehow put my uterus on ice for the next few years, that would be amazing...


  2. You are very strong! You can do this :)

  3. Love you, too! Your eating plan definitely sounds like it is going to work. Stay strong! xoxo

  4. That is EXACTLY why I restrict as well. I'm glad I'm not crazy. :) Good luck with everything.

  5. You should stick to only liquids.. That's how I got from 185 to 165... Liquids Liquids Liquids.. Cream of Chicken.. Water... Milk... coffee... lemonade... I went on the lemonade diet.. and did salt water flushes etc! You can do it girl! I did it!

  6. Girlfriend, everything you say makes complete sense in it's utter insanity :) I am in the same exact place with recovery, because I know that you can't force yourself to recover. You have to really want it. And so I'm just waiting for that time to come when I do. And I know that happens, because I've seen it in plenty of other people. Until then, we just have to try to stay somewhat sane. I'm glad we have this place to share that.

    love and hugs,

  7. id hate to think i'm causing you to be unhealthy love.

    i just wanted to explore your reasons for your behaviors.

    love you, be safe and careful, ok?

  8. I've gained too! How shit is this?! But stay strong lovely we will loose it again! Loving the new plan also xx