Sunday, July 25, 2010
*insert inappropriate string of swear words here*
I will eat something small (under 100 calories) for breakfast, like yogurt or fruit or egg whites. At work, I will try not to eat anything. However, if there is something that I want to eat at work, I will allow myself one serving of whatever it is. For example, if there are donuts, I will eat one. If there is candy, I will have a piece. That way, I don't feel like I'm depriving myself, but I'm not eating too much.
When my boyfriend comes home in two weeks, I will eat a small lunch (under 300 calories) so that he thinks I'm eating. Finally, I will eat a small dinner (under 300 calories) so that people think I'm eating. Mostly salad, hopefully.
The total calories should be under 800 per day, which should be enough to lose a good amount of weight per week. I'm not going to push it, because when I get too extreme, I binge. THIS WILL WORK. I hope. Wish me luck!
I thought long and hard about recovery this week, and decided against it. The deciding factor was really a conversation that I had with Robin on Friday night/Saturday morning. We were talking about what we would do when we if we woke up today and had the perfect body and knew what we had to do to keep it. I said that I wouldn't be able to do it, because I would still be using my ED as a coping mechanism even if I had the body I wanted. My ED isn't about my body; it's about my life. I use food as a way to deal with the stresses in my life. I have a lot of anxiety, probably Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have very low self-esteem. Robin asked me why I didn't want to figure out other ways to deal with my anxiety and depression, and I realized that I just am not ready to let go of my ED. Even when I was "in recovery" before my relapse, I was still engaging in ED behaviors. I never really let go of it, even though I thought I did. And I'm still not ready to, therefore I can't recover just yet. But maybe someday I'll have the courage to let go of these behaviors and get better. I hope.
I just want you guys to know that I love you :) You're the best friends I have. Thanks so much for being here for me! Stay strong <3