Changing My Mind?

I'm debating whether or not to tell my boyfriend that I have been struggling with my food issues. In one way, I do want to tell him because then he will know why I've been so weird lately, and he will stop worrying about my eating habits. But in another way, I want to go back to starving as soon as he is gone. He leaves for a summer language program at our college on June 12th, and after that I can basically do whatever I want. Right now, we are together constantly. I do literally everything in his presence. We even shower together. The only thing I don't do with him in the room is pee. That is it. So when he leaves on June 12th, I am basically free. No one will watch me eat, except for at dinner. Even then, sometimes I won't have to eat with his family, because about half the time they are too busy to eat together. I could skip breakfast and lunch every day, and no one would notice. How can I pass up that opportunity?

I guess the goal between now and then is to not gain too much weight. I could change my mind about this, but right this moment, that's what I want. I mean, obviously, I have changed my mind about complete recovery since yesterday. I mean, God, how do I manage to live day to day with all of these conflicting ideas? Oh right, I don't. That's why I starve myself, binge and purge, everything else. To control my crazy thoughts. When I have something to concentrate on besides my crazy, like food, then I don't feel so crazy. But today, I was crazy. This week, I've been crazy. It must stop. Maybe I should not wait to start restricting until June 12th. I should start restricting ASAP. Not tomorrow, but maybe Monday. I start working on Tuesday, and that will make it easier as well, because no one watches me at work.

God, I am such a spaz. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so conflicted? Why am I so fucked up? Do you guys have any advice or explanations?

I am so sorry about all these crazy, crazy posts. I just feel so confused. And I feel like I'm being shunned for even suggesting that I might recover. People who normally comment on my blog every time (i.e. Charr, OhMyGosh, etc.) did not comment on the last one. Madison left a weird comment that made me feel even more conflicted about this. I'm sorry?

Whatever, I have got to stop writing. I'm driving myself nuts. Love you all :)