Thursday, May 6, 2010

Changing My Mind?

I'm debating whether or not to tell my boyfriend that I have been struggling with my food issues. In one way, I do want to tell him because then he will know why I've been so weird lately, and he will stop worrying about my eating habits. But in another way, I want to go back to starving as soon as he is gone. He leaves for a summer language program at our college on June 12th, and after that I can basically do whatever I want. Right now, we are together constantly. I do literally everything in his presence. We even shower together. The only thing I don't do with him in the room is pee. That is it. So when he leaves on June 12th, I am basically free. No one will watch me eat, except for at dinner. Even then, sometimes I won't have to eat with his family, because about half the time they are too busy to eat together. I could skip breakfast and lunch every day, and no one would notice. How can I pass up that opportunity?

I guess the goal between now and then is to not gain too much weight. I could change my mind about this, but right this moment, that's what I want. I mean, obviously, I have changed my mind about complete recovery since yesterday. I mean, God, how do I manage to live day to day with all of these conflicting ideas? Oh right, I don't. That's why I starve myself, binge and purge, everything else. To control my crazy thoughts. When I have something to concentrate on besides my crazy, like food, then I don't feel so crazy. But today, I was crazy. This week, I've been crazy. It must stop. Maybe I should not wait to start restricting until June 12th. I should start restricting ASAP. Not tomorrow, but maybe Monday. I start working on Tuesday, and that will make it easier as well, because no one watches me at work.

God, I am such a spaz. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so conflicted? Why am I so fucked up? Do you guys have any advice or explanations?

I am so sorry about all these crazy, crazy posts. I just feel so confused. And I feel like I'm being shunned for even suggesting that I might recover. People who normally comment on my blog every time (i.e. Charr, OhMyGosh, etc.) did not comment on the last one. Madison left a weird comment that made me feel even more conflicted about this. I'm sorry?

Whatever, I have got to stop writing. I'm driving myself nuts. Love you all :)


  1. I'm sorry, hon. I've got finals coming up:)

    It's okay to feel crazy. We ALL get like that! And if you need support you know that I will fast with you. I started eating about 500 cals per day and I need to stop eating so much. Liquid fast sounds good.

    Anyway, about your boyfriend, it is ALWAYS easier to tell people you have a problem than to let them find out (i.e. they hear you purging... that's how my ex found out). Plus, if you tell them you're doing okay they won't worry as much. I know, it's hard.

    And if you want to get help, I am 100% behind you. That means that you are a lot stronger (I hate admiting this) than me and you can see a future for yourself. I'm proud of you for that.

    Anyway, sorry for the long comment. Stay strong!

    Love you, girl!

  2. It'll be ok. Do what you think will make you happy :)
    Hope you feel better soon

  3. Oh gosh... I feel so bad. I did really not intend for my comment to come across in that way... I didn't intend for it to make you feel bad or anything... Oh goodness, I'm so sorry Liz :(
    I really didn't mean it like that... Please forgive me :(

    <33 Madz