Music Lover's Award

Hey girls! I got the Music Lover's Award from Sunflowerrr :)

Here are the rules:

1. List your ten favorite songs on your iPod.

2. State the color of said iPod.

3. Pass the award on to 11 fellow music-loving bloggers.

Ten Favorite Songs:

1) Blah Blah Blah- Ke$ha

2) Bad Romance- Lady Gaga

3) Her Diamonds- Rob Thomas

4) She's Falling Apart- Lisa Loeb

5) Courage- Superchick

6) Paper Bag- Fiona Apple

7) Rosario Tijeras- Juanes

8) 10,000 Miles- Mary Chapin Carpenter

9) All The Same- Sick Puppies

10) Lucky- Jason Mraz

iPod:

I have a silver iPod nano that I use pretty much every day. I also have a purple iPod shuffle that I won last year, but I have never used it because I already have my silver nano.

11 Music-Loving, Award-Winning Bloggers:

1) Wren

2) LM

3) Charr

4) Emry

5) Madz

6) J

7) OhMyGosh

8) PollyDolly

9) Windusa

10) Lola

11) PrettyWreck

I love music :) Currently, Ke$ha is my favorite, but my boyfriend hates her so I can't listen to her very often. Is it bad that I can't wait until he leaves? It's mostly for selfish reasons. Because a) I don't want him watching my food intake, b) I want to be able to do what I want, when I want to, and c) I want to sleep better (and I can't do that as well when he's in the same bed). Does anyone else experience this? I mean, I will miss him, but I also want a break.

Have a good night, and stay strong!

New beginning

Today was great! I love new beginnings :) I slept until noon, which I probably shouldn't have done. But I was up until 2 am last night (my boyfriend and I hadn't had sexy time in like 2 weeks, so it was long overdue!!). I avoided breakfast because I slept so late, and I flushed my lunch down the toilet. It was going to be a piece of toast with a fried egg in the middle (aka an "egg in the basket"), but that would have had sooo many calories! Since then, I've been watching TV and messing around online all day. I haven't even showered or changed out of my pajamas! But I guess it's good to have a lazy day every once and a while. Here is my intake for the day:

- Breakfast: None

- Lunch: Diet Mountain Dew (0)

- Dinner: 16 grapes (48), corn on the cob (155), and a Diet Pepsi (0)

Total calories: 203

Not too bad :) My boyfriend and his family are going to a drive-in movie later (Iron Man II and Shrek), but I don't want to see either of those movies so I'm not going. I'm going to have to be careful when they are gone, because I don't want to end up binging. There is a crap-ton of chocolate laying around here! My birthday cake from yesterday, some cookies, a whole basket of Reese's peanut butter cups, among other things! Agggg!!! I will just stay downstairs and be too lazy to get up and get food, lol.

I hope you ladies had a wonderful day! Thanks for all the birthday wishes :) And hello to my new followers! Stay strong.

Birthday and Plan

So I guess I should probably explain: The reason I'm not starting my restricting until Sunday is because today is my birthday. I turned 20! Not a teenager anymore :) I just didn't feel like starving on my birthday, especially since my boyfriend's parents made me a cake and stuff.

But tomorrow, it is ON! I am making a pledge to not binge AT ALL during the next three months. No binging for me. I WILL NOT BINGE. I'm hoping that if I say it enough, it will happen, lol. Here is my plan for the next two weeks (my boyfriend leaves for his summer language program in two weeks):

- Breakfast: None (or if necessary, yogurt = 60 calories)

- Lunch: 14 carrots (35) and string cheese (60)

- Dinner: Whatever is served (maximum 300 calories)

Total calories: 455

I'm hoping that I won't have to eat breakfast and lunch at all, but I will if I have to.Here is the plan for after my boyfriend leaves:

- Breakfast: None

- Lunch: None

- Dinner: Whatever is served (maximum 300 calories)

Total calories: 300

I am going to take my vitamins and stuff with my dinner so that I don't upset my stomach. THIS WILL WORK OUT!!! I WILL LOSE WEIGHT! I need to lose 12.5 pounds per month, or an average of 3 pounds per week, to get down to 105 by the beginning of December (my goal). I CAN DO THIS!

Ya'll are awesome :) Stay strong!

Failure and Picture

I've decided it's time for a picture. This picture is from a sorority event. So here I am, in my full and fat glory. In this picture, I'm probably about 175 or 180 pounds.

**Picture deleted for privacy**

My eating has been out of control these past few days... It doesn't help that a) I'm on my period and b) I'm at my parent's house so it's difficult to restrict anyway. I just gave up on Wednesday, because it was just too hard. I'm a loser.

Starting on Sunday, I'm going to be good again. There should be no interruptions (like trips or holidays) that will ruin my diet again until school starts in August. I WILL LOSE 40 POUNDS!!!!

Love you all :)

Not a good day

Hey girls. I didn't do as well today :( I had a little binge this afternoon. This is why you can't leave me alone with food! I need to be busy at all times, or else I eat. Luckily, I will be really busy for the rest of the week, so it will be ok.

Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with my whole family and my grandma at Olive Garden for my birthday. My birthday isn't actually until Saturday, but my sister is leaving for Canada on Thursday and she wants to be there for the birthday dinner. We are celebrating my boyfriend's birthday too, since his is on Monday. I'm turning 20 :) I wish it was 21 though! I can't wait until I'm legal...

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I are going to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry for the day to check out the new exhibits and see a movie. I also have an eye doctor appointment. On Thursday my boyfriend and I are going to see Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge (it's this beautiful waterfall). And on Friday we are going to the Ape Caves, which is a lava tube that was created when Mount Saint Helens erupted a long time ago. So I should be pretty much busy all day until I leave on Saturday morning. Thank goodness! I can't wait to get back to work and have a more normal eating schedule.

That's all I've got. I hope tomorrow goes better...

10 pounds in one week

Today was fun :) I woke up this morning and was 175! So I've lost 10 pounds in the last week... wow.

I went to the DMV this morning and got a temporary license, so now I can finally start driving legally! If you're wondering why I was driving illegally, it's because I lost my license over spring break and haven't been home to get a new one since then.

After I got my license, I met up with an old friend to have lunch. We went to Olive Garden, and then to Starbucks. Since then, I've been watching TV and surfing the web. Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Light yogurt (110)

- Lunch: Minestrone soup (100), salad (100), and unsweetened black iced tea (0)

- Snack: Sugar-free jell-O (20) and Fiber One cereal (120)

- Dinner: Lasagna (300)

Total calories: 750

I had too much Fiber One for a snack. I got hungry and bored, and just got carried away. I'm annoyed with myself. I am really bad at sticking to my diet plan when a) I'm at home and b) when I'm not busy. I've been sitting around for the last part of today, and that's when I slipped up. Well, I'm sorry. I think that this week my goal should be to just maintain my weight. I'd love to stay at 175. I don't know if I can lose weight when I'm eating my dad's cooking all the time and eating over 600-800 calories per day. Uggg.....

I hope everyone is doing well! Here's another question for you: When do you slip up? What makes you tempted to slip up or makes you slip up?

Purge

*****This is not me. I just really like the picture. I wish it was me!
Hey guys! Today was alright. I woke up at 6:30 am to go to my sister's swimming thing, which turned out to be not that exciting. And I was so cold the whole time! It was really cold and windy, and we were outside in the wind for 5 hours. But I guess I was burning calories because I was cold!

I ate kind of crappy today.

- Breakfast: 1 current scone (250)

- Lunch: 1/2 cup Fiber One cereal (60)

- Dinner: Lasagna (500)

Total calories: 810

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to purge the lasagna after I ate it, and I got most of it.

Weight this morning: 175.6 (down 1.4 pounds from yesterday!)

Weight before dinner: 175.6

Weight after dinner: 178.8

Weight after purging: 176.6

So I mostly got it. I got worried that someone would hear my purging, even though I had the fan on and the faucet running. I was trying to be really quiet. I almost gave up after nothing came up after three tries, but I washed my hands and tried again. Thank goodness, because then everything started coming up magically! I know, I know, purging is bad. But I had to do it! I am losing weight really rapidly, and I don't want that to stop.

Seriously, I have lost 9.4 pounds since Monday! If I lose more than 0.4 pounds by tomorrow, I will have lost more than 10 pounds in a week! WOW. It took me three or four weeks to gain it, but one week to lose it again. Isn't that supposed to be the other way? Aren't you supposed to gain quickly but lose slowly? Whatever. I'm happy with the loss, and I hope it isn't reversed because of the lasagna.

Well, I have a question for you guys. What is the most weight you have lost in a week before? How about a month?

Think thin! See you tomorrow :)

Traveling Day

Today was all traveling! I skipped breakfast this morning and didn't eat anything until 4:30 pm when I was on the plane. Traveled all day, and just got home about an hour ago. It's past midnight on Wisconsin time, but it's only 10:42 pm in Oregon time. Ugg. My boyfriend and I have to get up at 6:30 am to go see my sister swim in the morning, which will suck. But I guess we can come back and nap if we want to :)

Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: None
- Lunch: 13 mini pretzels (72)

- Dinner: Fruit and granola yogurt parfait (320)

Total calories: 392

Better than I expected! I had lower calorie options for dinner, but the parfait just look soooo delicious, and I had calories to spare. Yummmmmmmm!!!! Sorry, I'm a little loopy from lack of sleep. Have a great night/morning girlies! Think thin :)

P.S. Weighed myself just now (after eating all day) and I was 177.6. That's a good sign because it means that I was probably lower this morning. I'm hoping for 177 or lower in the morning!!! I also started my period today, ugg. But clearly that's not affecting my weight too much!

Going home tomorrow :)

Hey girls! How is everyone? No one has been commenting on my blogs, which makes me really sad. What happened to everyone? I used to get six or seven comments per blog. I haven't lost any followers... Hey, I lost another pound! I'm down to 178 :)

Today was pretty good. I worked in the front office of my work for the first time today. I learned the correct way to answer the phones, two different filing systems, and how to make appointment reminder calls. On Thursday June 3rd, I will have to run the front office by myself because the other two office workers will be at a conference. I hope I can do it! My food was alright:

- Breakfast: Yogurt (100)

- Lunch: 12 carrots (30)

- Dinner: Veggie fajitas (200), a bit of rice (50), 3 chips (50), and Diet Coke (0)

Total calories: 430

I had to go out to dinner with my boyfriend's parents, so that's why I ate all that Mexican food. I really didn't eat that much though. I'm flying home tomorrow with my bf for a week, and I hope my parents don't make me eat too much... I'm worried they'll catch on to my ED.

That's it, I don't have much to say today. I have to go pack :/ Stay strong!

More weight loss!

Today was alright. My calories were pretty low, I guess. And I lost two more pounds this morning! Down to 179 :) Here is what I ate:

- Breakfast: Yogurt (100)

- Lunch: 12 carrots (30)

- Dinner: 14 carrots (35) and salad with light Ranch dressing (55)

Total calories: 220

I don't want to eat anymore, but if I have to eat I will have a 100 calorie bread thing with some light butter spread (45 calories). So total, if I eat again I will have had 365 calories. That's still pretty good.

Today at work, I found out that I will be working in the front office until I get enough autism clients to fill 40 hours per week. That's good because I don't want to keep coloring for 40 hours per week, but unfortunately it means that I have to dress up for work. This wouldn't be a problem, except I don't have any dress pants anymore. The ones I bought last year are WAAAAY too big now, because of my weight loss. I'm hoping that the ones I have at home in Oregon (I think a size 14) will fit, or else I'll be wearing dresses for the summer. I don't have enough dresses to do that consistently. Grr.

Well, that's about it. I hope I lose some more weight tomorrow! Stay skinny girls.

Job Training- Day 2

Today didn't go awful, but it didn't go well either. My training was good, and after that I worked some more in the office, so I got 7.5 hours of work today. If I work from 9 am to 5 pm on Thursday and Friday, I will have 39 hours total this week, so about $300 before taxes! Yay money :) Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Yogurt (100)

- Snack: 1 twizzler (25)

- Lunch: 1 piece of Papa John's cheese pizza (280) and Diet Coke (0)

- Dinner: Salad with light dressing (25), tortellini with marinara sauce (45), and 10 baby carrots (25)

Total calories: 600

I really didn't want to eat the pizza, but I was afraid that people at my training would think I was weird if I didn't eat anything. That was the only option available. Remember, I work at a counseling center, so any signs of an eating disorder would likely be noticed right away. It kind of sucks.

I lost another pound today! I'm down to 181, which means I only have 6 more pounds to go before I'm back where I was. I can do this!!

I picked up my books at the library today! I got Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, The Best Little Girl in the World by Steven Levenkron, Skinny by Ibi Kaslik, Purge by Sarah Littman, and Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff. I have read most of them before, but it's been a really long time. Unfortunately, it's hard to get time by myself to read them, because my bf would be suspicious and think I was relapsing (which I am, duh).

I'm leaving for a visit home on Saturday, and I really hope my parents don't catch on to my ED! I had a hard enough time at dinner tonight. My bf's parents tried to make me eat more tonight, but I lied and said I ate a lot for lunch. They had a crap-ton of pizza, pasta, and other food at the office today, so it's a plausible story.

Stay strong girls! Do better than me :)

Job Training- Day 1

Today was pretty good! Not perfect, but pretty good. I had my job training for my real summer job, and that was good. Now I finally have an idea of what I might be doing at my job. My boyfriend is still sick, which means another night on the couch... oh joy. And I was woken up at 7:15 am this morning (when I was supposed to be able to sleep till 8:45 am) because of the dogs. Ugg!!

My food today was alright. The food options at my training were not ideal, but they weren't awful either. Here is what I ate:

- Breakfast: Yogurt (100) and Smart Water Zero (0)

- Morning snack: 1 twizzler (25) and 1 Swedish fish (7)

- Lunch: 1/4 Subway sandwich (58), fruit (20), and a Diet Pepsi (1)

- Dinner: Salad with Olive Garden Italian dressing (95) and a Diet Pepsi (1)

Total calories: 307

Not too bad :) Tomorrow, there might be pizza for lunch, which would be awful... I will only eat one piece, if that. Tomorrow I plan on going to the grocery store to get salad and carrots, and also to the library to pick up all the ED books that I have on hold!

Oh, I weighed myself this morning and I was 182! That's not good, but it's down 3 pounds from yesterday (185). I haven't been 182 pounds in a month, so it's disappointing to be back where I was a month ago. But still, not too bad considering that I ate normally for almost four weeks. Well, that's it for today :) Love you all!

P.S. Ariana- I can't comment on your blog because your comment box is broken or something. But I wanted to say congrats on graduating and good luck on your plan!!

Finally, a good day!!

Today was great! Last night my boyfriends parents got home at 3 am from Mexico. It's bittersweet, because I am glad that they will be home to cook and take the dogs out, etc. But I'm sad that they're back because I can't walk around naked or watch whatever TV shows I want anymore. Also, I can't have really loud sex with my boyfriend anymore ;) I will miss that the most, I think! It was a great week (well in that aspect, not in the eating aspect).

My boyfriend got really sick last night. He had a fever of 102 degrees F and he was throwing up. I really can't afford to be sick like that right now, so I really hope I don't get it! But anyway, I slept on the couch instead of in the bed with him, which meant that I was woken up at 3 am when his parents got home. And the couch is not nearly as comfortable as the bed, let me tell you. So I only got about 6 hours of sleep, if that. I was pretty sleepy today.

I went to work at 10 am this morning. Since my boyfriend was sick, I drove myself!! I am learning to drive his stick-shift car, because I will need to drive it to work once he leaves, and today was the first time that I have driven the car by myself (without him in the passenger's seat). I stayed at work until 5 pm (yay 7 hours of pay!), but almost the only thing I did ALL DAY was color. Seriously, I colored with crayons almost all day. I was making games for play therapy for autistic children, so it was productive, but I can't believe that I got paid for coloring for 6 hours... lol. So anyways, here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: String cheese (80)

- Lunch: None

- Dinner: 1 piece of Schwan's pizza (240)

Total calories: 320

So today was great! I am so glad to be restricting again. Unfortunately, I have a headache now, even though I drank three bottles of water (almost 6 cups). That's more water than I've drank in the last two weeks. I think I'm just tired. I have a training for my real job tomorrow and Wednesday, and they are feeding us Subway (at least tomorrow, not sure about Wednesday). I hope there are veggie options with no fatty stuff!!! Btw, my real job is as a "line therapist" for an intensive, in-home autism program for children. I will be doing in-home therapy with autistic kids for 40 hours per week, all summer. I've never had any experience with autism, so I'm really nervous, but I guess that's what the training is for. Ahh!!!

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for being awesome (especially OhMyGosh, I really love texting with you)! Stay strong :)

**EDIT** I lost a follower! WTF?

New Plan!

Ok, so here is my plan for the next eight months:

Monday, May 17th-Friday, May 21st: The week before my trip home

- Stay under 800 calories

- Minimal eating, but look normal

Saturday, May 22nd-Saturday, May 29th: My trip home to Oregon

- Stay under 800 calories

My parents will know if I'm restricting too much, because they've seen me do it before, so I have to be careful.

Sunday, May 30th-Friday, June 11th: The 2 weeks before my bf leaves

- Stay under 500 calories

- Avoid eating with people, look normal

Saturday, June 12th-Friday, August 8th: My bf is gone during this time

- Stay as low as possible (500 cals max)

- Skip lunch, avoid dinner

Saturday, August 9th-Friday, August 20th: Time before I go back to school

- Stay under 500 calories

- Restrict, look normal

Saturday, August 21st-Wednesday, December 15th: Fall 2010 semester

- Stay as low as possible

- No lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays

I hope this works out. I'm tired of being a fat pig, and I want to lose weight. I must be thin!

I hope you are all doing well. Stay strong!

Beautiful Blogger Award :)

Madison gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award! Yay, thanks :) I haven't been posting at all lately, so I don't know if I deserve it, but whatev. Here are my seven nominees:

OhMyGosh

Sottile

Sunflowerrr

Charr

Mimi

Kemper

PrettyWreck

Now, 7 unusual facts about myself/things you didn't know about me:

1) I love to knit, especially knitting socks.

2) I used to really like reading, but now that I've been in college for two years, I can't read for fun anymore because it feels like work (because of all the reading I do for my classes).

3) I hate showering because I think that getting wet and then drying off again is a waste of time. I mean really, why bother? If I didn't feel/look gross and smelly, then I wouldn't shower.

4) I have a serious pregnancy obsession. I really, really want to be pregnant and have a baby. I don't know why, but it's something I dream about frequently. When I was younger, I used to imagine that I was pregnant.

5) I got married in kindergarten, and my husband and I stayed together until 6th grade. The only reason we broke up was because I moved across the country.

6) Although I'm currently dating a man and will probably marry him, I generally like women (not men). My boyfriend is the exception, not the rule.

7) In high school I almost had a 4.0 GPA and was ranked third in my class. Now in college, it is really difficult for me to get used to having a 3.7 GPA, and sometimes getting B's. That's probably dumb, but getting good grades has always come easily to me, and in college I actually have to work for them.

Thanks again, Madz, for the award!

Couldn't Do It!

Ok, I couldn't do it. I can't leave you guys for a whole week! I admit it, I started reading your blogs again on Tuesday. I only made it three days. I have thought about recovery a lot this week (ok, the past four days, lol), and this is what I came up with. First, I made two food plans - one for restricting and one for recovery:

Restricting Plan:

- Breakfast: 4 strawberries (16 calories)

- Lunch: 1/2 cup Fiber One cereal (60), sugar-free Jell-O (10), string cheese (50), and 14 carrots (35)

- Dinner: 2 cups of salad mix (15) and 10 sprays of Wishbone Italian Vinaigrette dressing

If necessary, eat sugar free Jell-O and/or Fiber One cereal for a snack, and 100-200 calories of whatever food is being served.

Total calories: 474 calories maximum (with snacks and extra dinner)

Recovery Plan:

- Breakfast: Cheerios with skim milk (145)

- Lunch: Vegetarian burrito (fat-free refried beans, salsa, cheese, sour cream) (310)

- Dinner: Whatever is served, and skim milk (450 calories max)

Total calories: 1,025 calories

This isn't a lot of calories because I still want to lose weight, but maybe in the healthy way instead. This also leave room for snacks and cheating (ice cream, etc).

Both plans are tempting, and I kept going back and forth between them. Then I made pro/con lists of recovery and restricting, and I've italicized the important pros/cons:

Recovery Pros:

- Get my health back

- Feel happier

- Get to eat whatever I want

- People won't worry about my eating habits

Recovery Cons:

- Turn into a big binge

- Gain all the weight back

- Not know how to lose weight any other way

- Feel out of control

- Turn to other methods of control (cutting, etc)

Restricting Pros:

- Get thinner, and fast!

- Only way I know how to get thin

- Compliments from others

- Feel in control, superior, powerful

- Feel great to get skinnier

Restricting Cons:

- Not healthy for body and mind

- People worried about eating habits

- Hungry all the time

- Have to resist foods I love

- Uncomfortable a lot (because of laxatives, feeling dizzy, etc)

In the end, there were more important pros for restricting and cons for recovery. So starting on Sunday or Monday (don't know which one yet), I will start restricting again. I weighed myself on Sunday, and I was 180 lbs. That's actually pretty impressive, because I've basically been eating normally for three weeks, and have only gained five pounds. Not too horrible.

Well, this post is long enough. I'm glad to be posting again! Love you girls :)

Going to Stop Posting for a Bit

Hey guys, I've got to stop posting for a while. It's just confusing me. I will wait at least a week before I read anyone's blog or post a new post again.

I hope you are all doing well! Love you :)

Ugggggggg

I'm doing alright. I'm thinking about starting to restrict tomorrow instead of Monday. Ugg, I hate being a fatty. I probably had about 1800 calories today, which is soooo many. I hate me.

I've just been sitting around too. I have been watching TV and playing Monopoly all day. Literally. I feel like such a piggy, lazy fat-ass.

I will post more when I a) know my weight, or b) have started restricting again. Love you all :)

Changing My Mind?

I'm debating whether or not to tell my boyfriend that I have been struggling with my food issues. In one way, I do want to tell him because then he will know why I've been so weird lately, and he will stop worrying about my eating habits. But in another way, I want to go back to starving as soon as he is gone. He leaves for a summer language program at our college on June 12th, and after that I can basically do whatever I want. Right now, we are together constantly. I do literally everything in his presence. We even shower together. The only thing I don't do with him in the room is pee. That is it. So when he leaves on June 12th, I am basically free. No one will watch me eat, except for at dinner. Even then, sometimes I won't have to eat with his family, because about half the time they are too busy to eat together. I could skip breakfast and lunch every day, and no one would notice. How can I pass up that opportunity?

I guess the goal between now and then is to not gain too much weight. I could change my mind about this, but right this moment, that's what I want. I mean, obviously, I have changed my mind about complete recovery since yesterday. I mean, God, how do I manage to live day to day with all of these conflicting ideas? Oh right, I don't. That's why I starve myself, binge and purge, everything else. To control my crazy thoughts. When I have something to concentrate on besides my crazy, like food, then I don't feel so crazy. But today, I was crazy. This week, I've been crazy. It must stop. Maybe I should not wait to start restricting until June 12th. I should start restricting ASAP. Not tomorrow, but maybe Monday. I start working on Tuesday, and that will make it easier as well, because no one watches me at work.

God, I am such a spaz. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so conflicted? Why am I so fucked up? Do you guys have any advice or explanations?

I am so sorry about all these crazy, crazy posts. I just feel so confused. And I feel like I'm being shunned for even suggesting that I might recover. People who normally comment on my blog every time (i.e. Charr, OhMyGosh, etc.) did not comment on the last one. Madison left a weird comment that made me feel even more conflicted about this. I'm sorry?

Whatever, I have got to stop writing. I'm driving myself nuts. Love you all :)

I don't know anymore...

Hey guys :) I've been having a lot confusing thoughts lately. I have been eating normally for about a week, and it feels good. Once I got past the binge phase (I was so hungry and feeling deprived at first that I basically ate everything in sight), it was actually good. I have no idea what I weigh, and I don't want to know.

I tried to restrict today, and it almost worked out. Then I started thinking, why am I doing this? I am so unhappy right now. I become a different person when I am starving. I am withdrawn, unfriendly, and exhausted all the time. I am preoccupied with calories and counting and figuring out how much I want to weigh. It is just ridiculous. I think I will try to be normal for a bit. It might not work out, but I want to try to be happy again. I don't know why I try to self-destruct all the time. Is weight really everything?

I'm sorry to let you all down. I just hate my life right now and I want it to change. I love you guys :)

Back to Restricting, and It Feels GREAT!

That's right, it feels AMAZING. I missed it so much! I love being in control again. True, there is still food I want to eat that I can't, but I know it's for the best. As OhMyGosh said yesterday, if I really want this, I will do it. I really want this, and I know I can do it. I just have to tell myself every time I want some food: Do I want to be thin, or do I want food? Duh, I want to be thin!

So today was great. I did pretty much everything I needed to. I woke up, didn't eat, and ran a bunch of errands instead. I turned in my study abroad application, so I don't have to worry about that anymore. I had my mail forwarded to my summer address, so I will get all my magazines and stuff still. I went to the college bookstore and sold back a bunch of textbooks, cashing in at $95.75! Granted, I probably paid $400 for all those books originally, but I still feel rich. I love having 95 extra dollars that I didn't expect to have! This is the first time since my first semester, freshman year that the bookstore has actually taken any of my books, so that is awesome as well. I also got my mom a Mother's Day card and sent it to her, so it should get there in the next few days. Overall, I feel pretty accomplished. I am about to go watch a movie with one of my sorority sisters, and later I will study with some friends for my last exam (which is tomorrow). So today was a pretty good day. All I have left to do is take my exam tomorrow morning (9 am - 12 pm), pack up my stuff (after lunch), and put it in storage (6 pm). Then I'm done!! Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: None

- Lunch: Salad with Light Toasted Sesame Dressing and a few beans (61) and some green beans/carrots (35)

- Dinner: Penne Vodka pasta (82), a tiny bit of fried rice (14), and corn (55)

Total calories: 247

Not too bad! I'm feeling very motivated, and I want to continue to be motivated. I WILL NOT have another bad week like the last week. I want to lose 20 pounds this month. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I'm running on the assumption that I have gotten back up to 185 again. Therefore, I want to be at 165 by the beginning of June, regardless if I am 185 now or not. If I get to 165 by the beginning of June, then I will be only slightly behind on my weight goals, and I can catch up. I CAN DO THIS!

I love you ladies :) Thanks for putting up with me! Think thin.

Scariest Moment of My Life...

So this morning I commented on my sister's blog, and accidentally commented as Liz (this blog) instead of my other blog. So I'm on the phone with her, and she says, "Why did you change your user name?"
And I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
And she says, "Well you used to be ****, but now you're Liz [ED]."

FREAK OUT! I tried to keep my cool, but then she said, "And I'm really confused about your profile. Please tell me it's not true. Is your ED really back?"

FUCK. Like really, how could I be this stupid? How could I accidentally comment through this blog? Ugg!

I managed to convince her that I was having a few eating problems, but they were pretty normal and it was just because I was stressed out. I think she believes me. I promised to tell her next time it happened. Yah, right.

I feel bad, but I just can't have anything mess this up right now. I won't be seeing my family for pretty much the whole summer, so it is the perfect opportunity for me to lose weight without them getting suspicious.

Other than that, everything is going pretty well. Decided to start restricting tomorrow. Yay, so excited to feel empty again! I hurt everywhere, and I'm always tired, and I'm convinced it's because I'm eating again. I felt so much better when I wasn't eating.

I gotta go. Do you guys know, is there any way for my sister to find this blog again? I made my profile private. Can she search for me or anything? Love you all, and think thin! <3

Finals suck

Hey guys! I'm doing alright. I hate this normal eating thing. I feel like such a pig. And the horrible part is that I like it too! I was so excited that I got to eat things I've been craving, like cheerios and pasta. Is that bad?

I had a social psychology final this morning. It was one of those finals where I got the questions (5 questions) beforehand, and three questions were actually on the final, and I had to answer two. I could also write notes on the back of the question sheet and bring it to the final. Normally I would have prepared the heck out of it, but even though I'm eating, I still can't seem to concentrate. Even during the final this morning, I still felt lazy-as-fuck and didn't want to do it! What the fuck? The point is that I only prepared for the first two questions, and unfortunately, the last three questions were the ones that showed up on the exam itself. So I spent my two hours trying to formulate correct answers instead of having already prepared semi-coherent answers. I hope I did alright, because I need at least a 70 percent on the final to get an A- in the class. Thank god I have a bunch of extra credit, because if I didn't, I would need an 80 percent on the final, and I'm fairly sure that isn't going to happen. However, since I just got a psychology award, maybe my professor will like me more. I don't know.

Anyhoo, I only have one final left, and it's on Tuesday. I calculated my grade in that class, and I only need a 60 percent on the final to get an A- in the class. So basically, I don't care about the final. There is a review session tomorrow, which I think will help. But I doubt I will study a whole lot more than at the review session. I mean, why waste my time?

I'm thinking about starting restricting again tomorrow instead of Tuesday, but I don't know. I desperately want to, because I feel like a fat cow and basically want to die because I'm so fat. Last night I was trying to write my final exam at 1 am and I realized that I wanted to die. I think it might have been because I was so tired of writing my exam and I just wanted to go to sleep, but still. But then I thought, no, I don't want to die, because then I would be fat forever. I mean, who wants a fat corpse? Isn't that sad? I also had this thought last time I was in my eating disorder (when I was about 16), so it's nothing new. But I still was hoping that this time I wouldn't hate myself as much.

I also just wanted to thank you all for being so supportive of me :) I was afraid you would all think I was a fraud because I couldn't starve through finals, but you were all very nice. Madison, I would eat a burger for you, but I've a vegetarian :) I had a veggie burger the other day though, and it was delicious! Thanks, everyone, for all the exam good wishes. I hope I do well too.

Oh, and the gyno exam wasn't that bad. It was slightly awkward, but not painful and not horrible. Just thought I'd tell you all that :)

Think thin ladies! Hopefully I will be restricting again tomorrow. <3

EDIT: Oh hey, there's a new poll, you should check it out!! Love you all :)