Having a little trouble

Hi guys :) I've been struggling a bit lately. I haven't posted in a while because I'm not sure what to say. I ended up hooking up with a guy on Saturday night, who happened to be a friend of Tess's. Let's call him Joe. Needless to say, Tess was PISSED. Apparently they have a history together, and she was really hurt that I would do that. The words she used were that she "was just letting me into their friendship group and then I had to go and blow her best friend." I understand that she's upset, but here is where I'm coming from:

1) How was I supposed to know that they had a history?
2) I was really drunk and don't really remember most of it.
3) I wasn't the only individual involved - Joe was also there.
4) I wasn't aware that I had a received an invitation to join their group. I thought we were just hanging out.
5) Tess seemed fine with it (we were all hanging out beforehand), and she didn't say anything to stop us.

I feel like I didn't really do anything wrong. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have done it. But I did, and I can't change that. And I didn't know it would become a problem.
Anyway, this whole drama-fest plus mountains of schoolwork have led to me struggling. I almost had a relapse this morning. I planned last night that I wasn't going to eat today, so I didn't eat breakfast. But around 10 am, I was STARVING, and I realized that I can't do this anymore. I am not happy when I'm starving, and I'm not a nice person to be around. I'd rather be liked the way I am than be skinny and alone. So I got breakfast and ate it. I am also going to eat lunch and dinner.

I also started cutting again. I know, bad Liz. But sometimes you just need it. I didn't want to start again, but the urges were really strong. On Tuesday night, I really wanted to (and hadn't yet), so I texted Tess. She had told me previously to text her whenever I was struggling with that. She came right over and helped me through it. What really hurt me, though, was that she thought that I was lying about it, just to get her to come over. Really? When she said that, I told her to get the hell out of my room. But she came to her senses and stole all my sharp objects, and talked to me. However, she also told me that if she ever finds a cut on me (that I made myself), she would cut herself and it would be like I was cutting her. Way to guilt trip me! This means that I have to be really careful, because that sounds like a horrible experience. So I cut on my ankle, below my sock line, so that if she checks me then she hopefully won't find it. But let me tell you, I really miss doing my wrists and arms. I kind of wish I hadn't told her.

Well, lunch is calling my name. I hope you ladies are doing better than me :) Stay strong!

I'm a super slut

And I love it!!! It's great! I kissed two girls last night and hooked up with one. I thought it would be Amanda, but it actually wasn't. Although, we did sit next to each other, and she gave me a kiss and some flirtatious glances :) So obviously that's going somewhere, maybe tonight.

Let's start at the beginning. I got pretty drunk last night. I had probably 5 or 6 drinks, which is a good amount for me (meds or not). I felt drunk, but my mind was still quite clear. Weird, huh? At about 1 am, I was talking with two friends (let's call them Marisa and Tess) and we ended up making out with each other. Yay! Marisa is straight but makes out with girls when she's drunk. Tess has a boyfriend because it's more comfortable for her than dating girls, but she's seriously into girls and hooks up with them all the time (her boyfriend lets her). Later that night, when everyone had left, Tess and I were alone in her room. We ended up making out, and other hook-up stuff (!).

Basically it was an amazing night! I am playing golf with my sorority tonight, which should be awesome. Golf (for those who don't know) is a drinking game. You usually have anywhere between 20 and 50 people playing. Most of the people split into teams and make a different drink at their "hole." Each hole is in someone's room or lounge or whatever. Then you start at one hole, drink their special drink, and then move on to the next hole. It's a great way to get drunk quickly. Usually it has a theme, so our theme this time is "Ladies Who Lunch." Basically preppy sorority girls. I've also done Superhero themed golf and Dinosaur themed golf. You are supposed to dress up for the theme, which makes it super fun!

Ok, I have to go to a sorority breakfast, but I love you all! OH! I have 100 followers!!!!! This is so cool!!! I'm super excited. I hope your weekends are awesome. Stay strong!

Rawr means "I love you" in dinosaur

Well, life is passing by quite quickly these days. Sometimes I feel like I just want it to stop for a few minutes so I can catch my breath! I don't have any news about Amanda. I've seen her around, but she hasn't made a move yet. I made the first move by telling her that I'm interested, but now it's her turn. I'm hoping for something this weekend. Unfortunately, I have my period, so anything down there is out of the question. But I'm totally up for some making out!!

I have some pretty spectacular weekend plans as well. It's Homecoming Weekend, and my sorority is having some fun activities. On Saturday we're having a breakfast and a hour tour for the alumnae, and then we're tailgating the football game all afternoon. Then on Saturday night, we're having golf (a drinking game), which should be a ton of fun! I might be hosting a hole in my room, but we haven't made official plans yet.

Oh! Also, I had one of my friends tell me that she thinks I'm super hot and sexy. Let's call her Jamie. Jamie and I have been friends since last year, and she was previously dating another girl on our floor. They broke up about two months ago, and Jamie is still getting over her. She says she doesn't want a relationship or a hook-up right now, but maybe something later. I told her that I would be around when she was over her ex, and she said she might take me up on that! So basically I have a relationship lined up for after study abroad :) Yay yay yay! I'm excited, and she's super cute.

My homework is calling to me. It's saying, "Liz, Liz, please do me!" Haha, that sounds dirty ;)
You all are amazing! Sorry I've been such a deadbeat blogger lately. I promise I will try to comment on your blogs soon (unless I don't read them anymore because they're triggering). Stay strong!

Whazzup?

Hi guys! I'm super hyper right now. This is just how I am first thing in the morning (I know, really weird). I have exciting news! I have a crush on someone. And I told her. And she is adorable.

Basically, she's bisexual, and she has a boyfriend but she basically fucks everything in sight anyway (I guess they do some sort of open relationship thing). Let's call her Amanda (not her real name). She kind of smokes a lot of weed, which is fine with me. She also smokes cigarettes, which is less fine but I can deal with it. She's super adorable and always tells me I'm amazing and wonderful.

Just to clarify, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship right now. I really just want someone to make out with. That's it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually hook up with a girl (since I've never actually done it before...) but we'll see what happens. Since Amanda gets around, she's pretty experienced, so I'm sure I'd be in good hands if I decided to go for it. Ahh! I'm just super excited! And super hyper. Wow.

Also, a friend told me that apparently you can drink alcohol while on antidepressants. I also Googled it, and it said that drinking in moderation with Lexapro is fine. So I'm testing it out. Last night I had 1 shot of vodka with flavored water thing. I was completely sober still. Tonight I might have 2 shots. I would like to work up to 4 or 5 drinks, and see what happens. Obviously, if something bad happens (like I get really sick or something) then I'll stop. But it would really be nice to drink again.

Ok, that's it! I have to go eat breakfast. Ugg. I hate breakfast because I can never find anything I like. Breakfast food is gross. Have a great day everyone!

Blarg

I feel like I should post, but I'm not sure what to say. I've been doing alright the last few days. I haven't been crying a whole ton, which is good because I HATE crying. My friends have been amazingly supportive and I'm almost constantly surrounded by love :) I have already received three letters in the mail from various sorority sisters offering their support.

I also reorganized my room, since most of my decorations were his. I received four posters that I ordered from Amazon yesterday, and they look amazing! Here are three out of the four:

You can't see it very well, but it says "It only takes a single thought to move the world."

This one says, "There is no end to the amount of things you can achieve." 

This one says, "It is not the position you stand, but the direction in which you look."

I love them! They make my room look so much better. My friends are also taking me to Wal-mart today to get some food and other things I need, since I lost my ride (Aaron has a car). Well, that's about all I have to say. I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend :) Stay strong!

It's official- I'm single

It's really weird too. I haven't been single in two years. Yesterday, also our two year anniversary, I broke up with him. I told him that we were clearly in different places in our lives (I want a long-term relationship and he's just not ready) and that it wasn't good for either of us. I said that I thought I was putting a lot more work into the relationship that he was, and that wasn't fair for me. He agreed, and said he was sorry for not trying harder. He also said that he finally realizes that he needs to stop talking to Sara so much (his 14 year-old friend), because this could be a problem with future partners too. DUH. But I'm glad he finally realizes it. I think this break-up is a wake up call for him. He thought he would have me for as long as he wanted, but that wasn't true. He thought he could just coast and let me do all the work, but that's not true either. I'm really glad I finally came to my senses and did what was right for me.

I just remember that I was considering breaking up with him in June (see this post) for the exact same reasons. But I didn't do it because I had a summer job with his parents, I loved him, etc.
I am just glad it's over. Sunday and Monday were really horrible because I put all of his stuff in the corner of my room and then I just kept looking at it and feeling guilty. But I made a list of why I should break up with him (I love lists, they help me a lot). Here it is:

-         I have changed a ton over the last two years, and he hasn’t

o       How I’ve changed:

§         I am better able to manage my anger.

§         I am better at communicating my feelings, even in the heat of the moment.

§         I have become more of an adult.

§         I have accepted that I have some issues that I need to work on, and have actually worked on them.

o       How he hasn’t:

§         When I ask him to work on something, he generally doesn’t do it.

§         The only thing that has improved in the last two years is communication, and that’s only marginally better.

-         He feels like he can’t communicate with me

o       I feel like a partner should be able to tell their partner everything, but he can’t do that. He tells Sara more things than he tells me, and that hurts me.

-         He thinks I’m bossy and order him around, even when I don’t

o       For example, when I invited him to Oregon with me to visit my parents, I said that I would love for him to come. He took that as an order, and later blamed me for making his parents spend all that money, when he really just didn't want to go. Then I felt really guilty for a long time, which was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault.

o       I am constantly monitoring and modifying my behavior to make sure that he doesn’t feel ordered around. He doesn’t do anything to modify his behavior on this issue.

-         Sara

o       Although I don’t want him to not have friends, I also feel really uncomfortable with him hanging out with a 14 year-old who is basically in love with him. I don’t trust him to not break up with me later because he wants to be with her (especially since he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me in graduate school and that he might want to be with her eventually).

I feel like these are all really good reasons to break up with someone, so I definitely did the right thing. It started because of Sara, but now I realize that there are a lot more problems than just her. However, I don't regret dating him, even though it sucks right now. I wouldn't pick anyone else to be my first love or to lose my virginity to. He was the best boyfriend I have ever had, but we just aren't right for each other in the long run. But it was great while it lasted :)

I'm doing alright, although I've been having little mini breakdowns every day. Yesterday I had to skip work because I had a breakdown at breakfast and had to be comforted by my friend for an hour. Today I had another freakout during breakfast (Although this time it was because he came over and was angry at me for talking to his parents last night, even though they called me!! What was I supposed to do??), but I made it to class and was ok. I'm just really exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I wish this were the summer, because I have way too much homework to be dealing with this right now! Arg! I just hope I start to feel better soon.

I love you guys. I really appreciate all your advice, and I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy! Stay strong everyone <3

I think my boyfriend and I are breaking up...

I need your guys' advice on this. I need to know if I'm being rational about this, because I don't want to end a good thing if I don't have to.

My boyfriend Aaron has this 14 year old friend named Sara. They've been going to this summer camp together since they were really little and they're best friends. Unfortunately, Sara is completely in love with Aaron, and he has feelings for her sometimes too. Two summers ago, when we had been dating for about six months, he went to camp and came back thinking he had feelings for her. He also texts her constantly and tells her a lot of stuff that he doesn't tell me. He goes to Madison to visit her a lot too.

Yesterday was one of those visits, and he was gone all day. He came back last night around midnight, and we were going to have some sexy time and sleep over at his room. In the middle of making out, I suddenly had a thought and asked him if he still had feelings for Sara. He said that he didn't have sexual feelings but he felt like he needed to protect her. I asked him if he felt that way about me, and he said no, he didn't think I needed protecting. Then I asked him if he wanted to be with her, and he said not now. Meaning he does want to be with her in the future. Then we talked a lot about our relationship and he mentioned that he didn't think we would still be together in graduate school. He doesn't think that he wants to have a long-term relationship with me, and he doesn't like living with me. Last year we lived together and I was really unhappy and we fought a lot, but that was mostly because of my ED and depression. I asked him if he wanted to try living together again, now that I'm happier, but he said he didn't think it would work out.

At this point, his meds wore off and he started freaking out, so the conversation pretty much ended. The impression I get is that I am just an in-between relationship while he waits for Sara to get older. I don't want to be in a relationship that I know is going to end in two years. I also don't want to be used like that.

We talked again this morning, and he apologized and took back some of the things he said last night. But they can't be unsaid. He can't just say he's sorry and expect me to be alright with everything again. I've been ignoring the Sara situation since the first month of our relationship, but I just can't anymore. We've been together for two years at this point. Monday is our anniversary. When he talks to her, it's like he's having an emotional affair, and that's not fair to me. I told him that if he wants to stay with me, he has to cease all contact with Sara. Of course, he said he couldn't do that. So I told him that I wanted to take a break for a couple of days, and think things over. But I think I need to end it.

I really need some advice here guys. What do you think? Am I looking at this situation rationally? Thanks :)

Exercise and Weight

This morning I went to work out with my friend at school. She wants to go regularly but wants a workout buddy because she knows she'll never go on her own. I have been thinking about getting a workout buddy or just going alone for a while, but haven't really acted on it. We were doing homework together last night, when she mentioned that she should really work out sometime. I suggested that we work out together, and we agreed to start with twice a week: Saturdays and Mondays. The workout this morning felt really good. I just did 30 minutes on the stationary bike, plus some stretching. I didn't push myself too hard, and I read a textbook while I biked. My heart rate still got pretty high for me, so I felt like it was a successful workout. I didn't do any weights or anything, because my friend wanted to go after we did the cardio. I had planned to do some weights, but I was fine with leaving without doing them. I used to panic when I didn't get my whole workout done, but I was fine this time.

I think the difference this time is that I'm exercising for my health, not to lose weight. Yes, losing weight would be a nice side effect, but working out is also really good for you, and that's why I'm doing it. I think having a workout buddy will be really good for me too, because she can recognize if I'm getting a little obsessive and reign me in.

While I was at the gym, I also weighed myself. I know, I really shouldn't have done that, and I'm regretting it. The gym has two scales, although neither is really accurate. The digital scale is about 10 pounds off (makes you look lighter than you are) and the doctor-style scale is about five pounds off (makes you look heavier). I weighed myself on both and came to the conclusion that I'm 195 pounds.
Eeek!
When I saw that number, I was not happy. Remember a while back, I said that I would freak out if I was over 190 pounds? Well, I'm there. And I'm freaking out a little. I DO NOT want to be 200 pounds again. I worked really freaking hard to get below 200 pounds, and I'm not going to wreck that. I want to lose a little weight and get back to 185, but I also don't want to trigger myself into relapse. I think the key is that I am eating a lot of dessert, and I need to cut back on that. Would it be alright to limit myself to only having dessert at dinner? I don't know. I'm nervous about that.

Ok, I have a shit-ton of homework, so I better get on it. I think taking five classes, having two jobs, and being  in a sorority was a mistake... Love you guys! I really appreciate you, and I just want you to know that. Stay strong <3

Rawr

Courtesy of Google Images!

The last few days have been alright. My eating has been good, although I've been eating more sugar than the days before these. But you know what, I'm totally fine with that. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, and I am not going to be concerned about what I'm eating, just how I'm eating it and when. That seems like the best course of action.

Today I donated blood, which was good. Last time I donated blood, which I think was before I started this blog, I was fasting and it didn't work out well. I didn't eat anything before or after I donated, and I almost puked/passed out afterwards during a class presentation. It was horrible! But this time, it went really well and I feel great. I'm glad that I'm not doing any fasting anymore.

I also had a big exam in my Dinosaurs class today, which was alright. I studied super hard, but I am not sure how well I did on the exam. Some of the questions were worded kind of weird, and one of them questions I had never heard of before and had no idea how to answer! But overall I did my best, so that's the only thing I can do.

I guess that's pretty much all I have to say :) It hasn't been a super good week, but it hasn't been a bad week either. I am really glad that tomorrow is Friday though! It's been a long week, and I need a weekend. Also, I have a ton of homework that I need to get done between now and Sunday and Monday. Yuck! I hope your Thursdays and Fridays are fantabulous! Love you all <3

Did I mention I hate migraines??

Courtesy of Google Images :-)

I hate them, seriously. Last night I could feel myself getting a migraine. It started around 5 pm, and got steadily worse. At 6 pm I took some Excedrin Migraine to see if I could make it go away before it got bad, but it had gotten worse at 7 pm, and I knew the meds weren't going to work. By 8 pm, I was so nauseated that I though I was going to throw up, but then I got up and walked around and that helped a lot. I went to bed and was able to sleep from 10 pm to 12 am. At 12 am, I got up to pee and the light in the hallway and bathroom triggered horrible pain. After that, I was awake with the worst headache pain I've had in my life and awful nausea. At three points between 3 am and 5 am, I was sobbing because it hurt so bad. I thought I was dying, seriously. I even told my boyfriend that I loved him and wanted to be with him forever, and if I died then I just wanted him to know that. Luckily he wasn't too fazed by that and he was really good at distracting me from the pain. At 4 am I took some more Excedrin Migraine, which didn't help. Finally at 5:30 am, that pain dulled enough that I was able to get to sleep. By the time I woke up at 6:30 am for class this morning, the pain was gone. I was still nauseated until after lunch, but it wasn't nearly as bad. I was also really shaky until after lunch, even though I ate a good breakfast. Right now I'm still not 100% because I'm super sleep-deprived.

In other new (good news, not bad), my food is going rather well. I ate half a bagel and a pastry for breakfast. I ate the pastry first, and then couldn't finish the bagel because I could feel that I was full. Yay for listening to my body! I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, French fries (I know, not the healthiest choice), and pretzels for lunch. That must have been a lot of food for me, even though I didn't feel overly full, because I wasn't hungry for dinner 6 hours later. However, I ate anyway, because I wouldn't have had time later. For dinner I had a beans-and-rice concoction (I always make it when the food really sucks at the dining hall), some mashed potatoes, and peas&corn. It was a good dinner! Oh, and I had milk with every meal. I'm trying to get as much calcium as possible, to build up my strong bones.

So overall it was a good food day! I wanted some dessert at dinner, but it was cherry pie (which I like but not that much) and so I didn't get any. If it had been something chocolate, I probably would have gotten it and that would have been ok too. I am doing well by taking this one meal at a time. I don't think about the other meals I've eaten during the day when I'm eating a meal, because that makes me freak out a little bit. I just think about what looks tasty and how hungry I am.

Well, I really need to get some sleep because I'm seriously exhausted. I hope your days all went well! Remember, if you need anything you can always email me :) Stay strong lovelies!

Eeek, a talking muffin!

Courtesy of Keeks at Babeled.com

I think today was good, foodwise. I ate a bagel for breakfast, and that lasted me until lunchtime. After breakfast, I was getting ready in my room and had the urge to eat a mini candy bar, but I recognized that I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat it. It seems like a small thing, but it's a victory for me! I ate a hummus wrap and a bran muffin for lunch, but I guess that wasn't enough food because I was starving about 3 hours later. Because I was so hungry, I grabbed a peanut butter granola bar thing from the vending machine after my last class and ate it on my way to the library for a tutoring session. I didn't even look at the calories! I did look at the protein, because I wanted to know if it would fill me up a lot and hold me till dinner. Then after my tutoring session, I had dinner: a scoop of peas and three squares of pizza, plus milk. Afterward, I wasn't hungry and I wasn't overly full. I haven't eaten anything since then, and I don't think I will eat anything else until tomorrow. I have TA hours (Teaching Assistant) for the class I'm helping with right now, then I have a bible study group, and then I have to go to the TA hours for my math class. And then I'll go to bed!

So today was really busy, but I think the food went really well. I just have to listen to my body. I think it will be a day-by-day process, but I can do it. I just have to concentrate on it, and not let myself slip.

Ya'll are amazing! I love seeing your wonderful comments :)
Stay strong!!

It's about feelings, not food

Eating Disorders Anonymous has this saying that I heard time and time again in meetings:

Recovery is about feelings, not food, but we can't reason or build trust when bingeing, purging or starving. 


I know this intellectually, but I find it hard to believe sometimes. When I'm eating, especially these days, I am not feeling anything in particular. I guess for me, eating is an escape from my feelings. My feelings are too much, and I don't want to deal with them. I think it started that way, at least, and now I just use food for everything (even if I can deal with it). For example, I was doing homework about 15 minutes ago, and the internet started acting up and wouldn't load anything. I got really frustrated, decided I wanted some chocolate, and ate a mini candy bar. That doesn't sound like a crisis, but I was not hungry and I didn't need the chocolate. I told myself that I was just killing time, waiting for the internet to come back again, but that's not true at all. I was frustrated, so I ate.

I eat for every emotion. If I'm happy, I eat. Bored? I am eating. Sad? Definitely eating. Angry? Food is my comfort. Stressed? FOOD!

It's completely ridiculous. I have to learn how to stop this cycle, because it's not productive. I'm supposed to be in recovery, yet I'm still using food to deal with my life. This is not how it's supposed to be.

Realistically, I recognize that this is a process and it's won't happen overnight. But seriously, why can't it?? I just want to be recovered! I want to skip all this emotional bullshit and get to the normal, healthy part. Yuck. Of course, it doesn't work that way, but I can wish.

This week, my goal is to honor my emotions instead of eating them. I will try to be conscious of what I'm putting into my mouth, and why. Hopefully I will be successful! I will take it one day at a time. Wish me luck! Stay strong <3

Good stuff is happening :)

Last night, I have a long talk with one of my friends that is in the Christian Fellowship with me. She's a sophomore (I'm a junior) and she is recovering from an ED too. I don't know exactly which one, but I am guessing anorexia because she said she was hospitalized and she's still pretty skinny. She offered me a lot of support last night, and I'm really grateful for her. She's amazing! It's nice to have someone in real life that can relate to what you are struggling with, you know?

On another cheerful note, I am seriously loving my Religious Studies class. It's called Understanding Religious Traditions in a Global Context, and it's amazing. Right now we are studying Hinduism, and it's totally fascinating! After only having this class for two weeks, I am already considering a Religious Studies minor. I don't know if I have time for it, but I might :)

Lastly, my little sister is going to college tomorrow!!! Like, WHAT? She shouldn't be going to college! She's still a baby to me! I am having a hard time accepting that she is an "adult" now. What happened?? How did I get so old??? It's crazy.

I love you all (and sister, if you're reading this, I love you too)!! Stay strong cuties <3

Weird Stuff

I had a weird dream two night ago, in which I decided I was going to restrict again. However, I felt guilty so I tried to eat, but then felt guiltier about eating. I ended up purging and hating myself for going back on my word (to not relapse). It was a really odd dream, and it was so vivid that I woke up and thought it had really occurred.

I'm glad that my dream didn't really happen, because I don't want to go back to restricting. Let's face it: I like food and eating too much. That's one of the other reasons I always wanted to be seen as anorexic rather than bulimic; being anorexic meant that I had control over my desires, while being bulimic meant that I was a pig who gorged herself and then puked. I think that if I hadn't hit a few speed bumps, I could have actually gone all the way into anorexia and just skipped the bulimia. But now, I'm actually kind of glad that I was stuck with bulimia, because it's less damaging to your body. With anorexia, you end up with long-term health problems even if you recover, but with bulimia you might not have as many problems if you catch it early.

I can feel myself going into the recovery stage of my ED again, but it's not full recovery yet. This happened last time I was in recovery as well, during my junior and senior years of high school. During my senior year of high school, I gained 40 pounds because I was just trying to eat and not worry about it. I'm really afraid that will happen again. Right now, I'm at the weight I was at the beginning of senior year, and I really don't want to go back to where I was at the end of senior year. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but it makes me really nervous. I just want to skip the eat-everything-in-sight stage and go straight to the normal-healthy-eating stage. Is that possible?

Another odd thing I've noticed recently is that I still see myself as the same as I was at my highest weight. Even though I'm around 185 pounds right now (I don't know for sure, I haven't weighed myself in two weeks), I still think I look the same as I did when I was 220 pounds. My body perception is really skewed. I wish  I could see myself as I am now, because I'm sure I look a lot better than I did.

Well, that's all for now chickies. Love you all! Stay strong <3