Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Life... is interesting...

I didn't make this, but it describes exactly how I feel...

Oh gosh you guys... I miss the days when school was easy and I had a life. I am officially seven weeks into the semester now, and it is HARD. Classes are starting to get crazier. The school atmosphere is interesting, at best. I'm am stressed as hell. Life is difficult.

So, the school atmosphere. I knew that social work school would be liberal, but I was hoping for acceptance too. Not the case. Social work students in general are pretty intolerant of Christianity. And if you mention religion in class, then you are attacked. Especially if you mention a conservative viewpoint, which I tend to do. So I'm just getting used to being on guard all the time. I feel like I'm always tensed and ready for the next attack on my beliefs. Fun times.

My classes are super hard and there is a TON of reading. I have a big assignment due for at least one class, every week, until the end of the semester. I can't wait for the end of the semester. I am just tired of being tired.

My mood has been up and down. I'm not depressed. I was homesick for a while, but not depressed. Now I am mostly just anxious and stressed. Which has led to... you guessed it: cutting. I have been cutting myself every few days (or every day) for a few weeks now. So that's not good. I am currently in the apathetic stage, in which I don't care about my body and what I'm doing to it. I'm moving into the 'fighting back' stage though, which is good, because then I'll start to fight my urges instead of giving into them.

I actually went to see a counselor at Student Health last week. I am training to be a social worker, so I'd like to fix my own issues first. I don't want my issues interfering with my work with clients. The counselor told me that he doesn't think that he can provide the level of care that I need. He basically said that I need long-term counseling, and that I'm not as "fixed" as I thought. I had somehow deluded myself into thinking that I was doing pretty well. And I am, considering all of thing things that I've been through. But I guess self-harm is alarming to other people. It just seems normal to me, honestly. When you have been hurting yourself for nine years (yes, that long... scary, right?), and the longest you've ever gone without hurting yourself is four months (and that was only one time), I guess it's natural to think that this is normal. But if I have a friend who is doing it... then of course I am concerned. Double standard, anyone?

So anyway, that was a slap in the face. I am considering seeing an outside counselor though. I do really want to fix my issues. I DO NOT want to still be cutting in two years, when I am done with my Master's and starting to get my license. NO NO NO. I will NOT be like this in two years!!! This is a promise. The only issue with seeing an outside counselor is that I have to tell my parents... because they will see in on insurance. Ugg. That will be a fun conversation.

So wish we luck with everything. I would really like to stop cutting. I would also like to be less stressed, but still get everything done. (Haha). I love you guys, okay? You are wonderful.


  1. Maybe they're hostile because they expect hostility and rampant assholery from Christians as a matter of course? From what I've observed and heard about American Christians they can be pretty damn nasty and intolerant of others and what they believe, and the bad ones ruin it for everyone else. They get tarred with the same brush simply for worshipping in the same way and holding similar beliefs.

    I've certainly had more strife from Christians than Presbyterians, Catholics, Salvation Army, Pagans, Jews, Mormons, Jehovas' Witnesses, Muslims and Exclusive Brethren combined. This is in New Zealand, where we pretty much take that attitude that religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one and great to be proud of it. Just don't whip it out in public or try to shove down in my/my children's throats. I think it's great to have a set of religious beliefs and practises so long as you don't try to force others to abide by what you, personally believe. I'd get extremely pissed off by a Hindu telling me I couldn't have beef steak or an Orthodox Jew telling me I couldn't eat certain combinations of food in the same meal, and they'd rightly be annoyed if I tried to force them to have bacon and eggs for breakfast or pull an all-nighter for Yule.

    They've had so much shit from some members of your faith they expect the same shit from you. Gah. Not all Christians are pricks, just like not all Atheists are pricks and not all Jehovas' Witnesses' are pushy and rude when they go door-knocking. I hope they get enough experience in life to realise this ASAP and get off your back.

    *Huggles* I'm like that too. It's ok for ME to hate myself but I want my friend to be able to tolerate themselves. Gah, cutting sucks :( If you're only going to be there another two years it would be better to see someone outside the University. This shit didn't happen over night, and while you're come so incredibly far you still have a bit to go and it could take a few months or a few more years to fully lay it to rest. It's better to have to support base in place for the latter rather than find out it's needed and not have it there.

    Would the Butterfly Project help? Nina sent me something amusing along the same lines, a monster sticker book where I put a monster sticker on a page and symbolically murder it by drawing on it a la The Bunny Suicides instead of scratching myself. It's hysterical and I love it.

    I don't like going deep, I don't want to permanenty fuck my tattoo canvas but I need the pain/punishment so I go for ripping with pins rather than cutting with blades. Pain not blood. It's why the dream creeped me out so much, because I saw the blood and liked it. Even in the dream I knew that was fucked up!

    I wouldn't mind hugs from you. I'd love to show you around Dunners and I think you'd like the view as you fly into Momona from Christchurch. You go over the back of the Pineapple Track and it looks GORGEOUS. We also have some very pretty old buildings, if you're into architecture.

    Good luck on stopping cutting. Sending you all my love and many hugs <3

  2. There is a difference between being critical and intolerant. It would be laughable to describe any Christian in America as persecuted.