We had a talk on Saturday. She initiated it, and asked what I thought we were doing, where it was going, how I felt, etc. I told her that I had some feelings but that it was fine because I knew exactly what I was doing (it's all for her, it's her big lesbian college experience, she's basically using me for sexual favors). I do know exactly what I'm doing. I'm just not sure I should be doing it. I'm dumb. Really, really dumb.
After our talk, which we had on the way to this dance show, I cut myself. 26 days down the drain. Fuck. And since then, I've cut at least three times per day. Saturday, Sunday, today. Well, today I've only cut twice but I'm about to do it again. And I went to Walgreens today and bought real razors. The really sharp, scary ones that I shouldn't be allowed to have because I freak myself out with them and usually need stitches (but never get stitches). I'm a dumbass. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Dumb.
Life. It sucks. I'm depressed. And suicidal. Not much, but enough that it's not just a passing fancy. I think my therapist and I have some sort of agreement that I call her when I feel suicidal, or else she won't treat me. But I can't remember. So better not tell her about this. I can't tell anyone. I can't have anyone tell on me. I'm supposed to be fucking past this! What the fuck? And going back to the hospital would be a waste of time and money (plus I'm not that far gone yet). The hospital was stupid. Didn't help. I'm stupid. I could call a friend but I never do. I could pray to God to help me, but I never do. I could actually care, but I never do.
Dumb.
Also, Lent is over, so I can eat chocolate! That is the one bright spot this week. Yummmmmmmmmm.
awww :( you are so not a failure hun. Get help, tell your therapist. You CAN get better, you jus have to try. Keep going. I'm so sorry that all this is happening :(
ReplyDeleteI was 7 months without cutting and it all went down the drain. Just be proud of yourself for going 26 days, that's amazing! Keep trying to stop, it will be worth it. Please please please be careful with those razors...
THROW THE FUCKING RAZORS OUT AND CALL YOUR THERAPIST.
ReplyDeleteRIGHT FUCKING NOW.
P.S.
ReplyDeleteI love you ohsomuch. One day I want to take you and some hot lez friends I think you'd like on a trip down the peninsula (Big green hilly thing in the photos) to visit the albatross colony. Totally subtle setup there.
You doing ok? *Is veryveryveryworried*
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI read this a few days before but I didn't want to think about it too much (guilt and that stupid avoidance/compartmentalization thing I do) then.
I'm sorry for things I said or phrased words that were really upsetting or unnecessary.