BLARG

Ok, so here's what happened last night. After I blogged, I was texting Isabel (or was that before... idk), and after I texted her about what I was confused about, she didn't text back for like two hours. During that time, shit went down. I convinced myself that no one liked me and I was a horrible person. I thought about the rape and abuse a lot, and that was bad, of course. I struggled for about an hour with thoughts about self-injury. It got to the point where I was all ready, razor out, watch off my wrist, tissues within reach. No bandaids. That's what I forgot. Spent at least 20 minutes fighting with myself. Finally, after swearing for a minute, I texted a friend. Help. As soon as I did that, it felt like I had won, and I was able to put everything away and distract myself with a movie. So that's the good news :)

Around midnight, just as I was deciding to go to sleep, Isabel called me. What our conversation comes down to is this: she didn't have feelings for me until we restarted our hooking up in April. And she didn't really admit them to herself until now. So basically, she has feelings for me but loves her boyfriend, and even if we see each other, nothing can happen. Which I kind of knew already, but it's sad to hear it. I kind of feel like I've been dumped, even though a) I already knew that nothing would come of our relationship, and b) we weren't dating or anything. Wow, I'm lame. I also feel really responsible for the whole situation. I was the one who initiated the restarting in April. I knew that it was a really bad idea for me, and I knew that I would get hurt, but I decided to do it anyway. But I figured that she was the kind of person who could have friends-with-benefits relationship and not get hurt. Oops. I have never seen this kind of relationship end well. Ever. I should have known better. I feel like it's my fault, even though she spent a good 30 minutes trying to convince me otherwise last night. Oh well.

So that's that. Nothing much to report about today. I have been watching TV, doing laundry, and thinking about doing some research. Grrr. I'm just so angry with myself. That's basically my mood for the day: frustrated and angry at myself.
<3 you all.

I am so confused

The red thing is a heart, and the other thing (holding the leash) is a brain. Get it?

I have been reading Isabel's blog (you know, my make out buddy), and it's confusing me. She just gave me the link, and I've been reading posts she wrote about me in October, November, January, April, etc. I guess I have been thinking that she has feelings for me too, since she claims to miss me a lot. But maybe I've been wrong all along. I mean, duh, she's in love with her boyfriend! They are probably going to get married! I just need to get over it. I need to move on, because this isn't healthy. I've been deceiving myself for way to long. Come on, Liz, get with it! Be realistic. You have no chance with this girl, and it's time to let go. Accept the fact that even if you do see her again, it doesn't matter; it's still the same situation as it was.

Other than that realization, things have been normal. I'm super glad that work is over for the week; only four weeks to go! My kids were super cute this week because they were 1st graders. One of the little girls kissed a little boy, and they ended up trying to hold hands and be near each other all week. It was totally adorable, but it wasn't necessarily appropriate for camp, so we had to have a talk about keeping our mouths to ourselves (lol). SO CUTE!

I have had my rape on my mind a lot this week. I've been doing a lot of work around it in therapy, and I have homework for therapy that keeps me thinking about it outside of my session. Plus I had coffee with this friend (that I mentioned in my last post, let's call her Amy) and we pretty much talked about our experiences with rape the whole time. So I've been thinking about it and having memories about it (and my sexual abuse experience too) this whole week. It pretty much sucks. I DO NOT want to be thinking about this. I want to cut. Right now. Really bad. THIS SUCKS.
That's all.

Sometimes, therapy sucks.

I need to be posting more! I just keep forgetting. Nothing much has happened since my last post. My weekend went well :) I actually did some research for my thesis yesterday! Miracle! I really need to get on that...

I had a therapy session today and we went over that list from my last post. I had two lists, one for Morgan and one for Isaac. They are both longer than the ones on my blog. I had to read them aloud, and then I had to respond to each point as if I was talking to a friend (like you did, Peri!). BLAH. IT SUCKED. I am pretty sure I cried for the whole session. FUZZMONKEYS. Even though I have been told that I'm not dirty, I didn't deserve it, it's not my fault, it's really hard to say it to myself. I guess I didn't realize until today that I am still blaming myself for what happened. And that sucks! I wish it would just go away!! Now my therapist wants me to write out those comments, like I'm talking to a friend (me), and then read it aloud to myself. FUZZMONKEYS. I DON'T WANT TO!! It's gonna suck, but I'll make it through.

On a similar note, I am having coffee on Thursday with a friend who was also assaulted around the same time I was. She doesn't go to my school, and we're actually not close friends at all. But I heard from someone else that she had been assaulted, and I made sure to tell her that she could talk to me if she needed anything. We did end up talking in December (during winter break), and now we're going to have coffee! I am excited to catch up with her and see how she's doing :) You want to know something else? When I was talking to "myself" today in therapy, I was imagining that it was her. I know that the things I was saying to myself are things that she needs to hear too. I hope we have a wonderful coffee date!! :-D

Weeeellll, that's about it. I'm going to sleep now! Well, let's be realistic: I'm going to consider going to sleep now, lol. Bye! Love you all!!!

Focusing on the positive

Sup? I can't believe how long it's been! 8 days... I've just been really busy and I always seem to have something else to do. I have thought about blogging a bunch of times, but then I never get around to it. Odd...

Work is good, but stressful. Yesterday we had a woman try to take a child without her photo ID. We make the parents (or whoever is picking up) show photo ID so that we know that they are approved to pick up. It's a security thing. This woman didn't have any ID (how is she driving without her license??), and she tried to take her kid three times while I was calling my supervisor. I almost had to call the police on her! Ridiculous. Other than that, no specific drama to mention.

My friend Diana (name has been changed, as with all the people I mention on this blog) came to visit me this weekend, which was fantastic! We hung out and visited some places around my city, and had a wonderful time. We also talked about some pretty intense stuff, which was good for both of us. I wish she hadn't had to go home! I miss her already :(

My therapist and I have been talking about the ways in which my trauma experiences have affected me, and I thought I'd share some of what I've been journaling about. This stuff is about Morgan, the woman who raped me.

Positives

-         I know that I have the strength to do the right thing (like report her).

-         I haven’t retaliated against her or any of the friends that sided with her.

-         I found out who my true friends were because of what happened.

-         It made me stop wanting to hook up with people so much.

-         It made me stop drinking so much (i.e. I might have 4 drinks now instead of 10).

Negatives

-         I never want to have sex or do anything that involves below-the-waist contact EVER AGAIN.

-         I feel like a dirty skank.

-         I often wonder if what she said is true, and if I am crazier than I thought.

-         I have enemies at my school, and I know that people judge me by it.

-         I feel like maybe it didn't count as much because I don’t remember.

-         I HATE that I can’t remember, and the made-up memories of what might have happened are worse than the real ones.

-         The whole situation makes me want to cut.

So that's some of my thoughts on the situation. I hadn't realized there were so many positives that came from it! You should see the positives list about Isaac! It's even longer, which is amazing, since I only focused on the massive amounts of negatives for a long time. I like this exercise, because it makes me realize that not all impacts are bad. Yes, there is some bad stuff that has come from being raped, but not all of it is bad. Some of it has made me a stronger, more capable person, and I'm grateful for that. Does that mean I forgive her? Haha, yah right. But I'm working on it. Hate is not good, and I don't want to walk around for my whole life hating her. 

Wellllll, I should sleep. Boo. Sleep is for wimps. 

Forgetting to eat??

Today is Tuesday... I wish it were Friday. I'm just so tired this week! I hope I survive until Friday. But anyways... The week has been alright so far, even though I'm tired. My weekend was nice, and much needed. My mother and I went to a baseball game on Saturday night, which I thought would be torture, but was in fact quite fun :) Here are some lovely pictures:

Pitcher Sequence

Cracker Jacks!

The ending score: We won!

It was great! I had TONS of fun taking those pictures. Action shots are hard! Anyhoo, Sunday was pretty chill. Yesterday I had therapy again. We talked about my anxiety. Talking about my childhood (related to anxiety) makes me realize how little I really remember of it. I don't have feelings or thoughts of my childhood until age 12. I only have images. LAME. So frustrating.

Something that's been bugging me: I am eating weird. Not on purpose, I swear! I have to be at work at noon, and so I leave at 11 or 11:15 am, because there is a ton of traffic usually (WHY???). This means that I'm generally eating lunch at 10:30 or 10:45 am, if at all. Lots of times, I have an appointment or something right before I have to leave for work, so I don't have time for lunch. Like today: for some reason, I just forgot to plan in time for lunch, so I didn't eat it. I had cereal for breakfast, and then I had a few pretzels at work, but that was it until 7:30 pm. And the odd thing is that I'm not really hungry at work. However, I can tell when I haven't eaten, because I get bitchier than usual. So I don't really know what to make of the whole situation. I'm not starving myself on purpose, but I just forget to eat. This is so weird for me. I never used to forget to eat. Huh.

Well, I'm off to veg in front of the TV. Love you all!

My week, so far

Yo! I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged! I honestly forgot about this blog until this morning. This week has been so crazy, that I haven't had a chance to breathe. Monday was wonderful, since there was no work. Tuesday was good. I had an appointment with my therapist. She has a theory for my broken brain! For those of you just catching up, my brain has issues. I have very few memories of my life. What I do have is in flashes and pictures. Generally black and white. And very few and far between. I'm missing all of my childhood (except for a few pictures), most of high school, and a lot of college. See this post for more details.

So my therapist's theory is that since I have a very high anxiety level, and I had an extremely high anxiety level when I was younger, I can't focus on much else. When my brain is so preoccupied with being anxious and dealing with that, it has a hard time processing and storing the other information coming in, like life events and such. It's an interesting theory, I think. My theory was that I am permanently stuck in fight-or-flight mode, because of all the trauma I have been through. In fight-or-flight, you either remember everything super clearly, or you block out everything. Clearly, I would have the blocking out type. I don't know who is right here, but they are both viable theories :)

So on with my week. Tuesday at work was good, but a bit crazy, since it was the "Monday" of the week (no work Monday cuz of the 4th of July). Wednesday, I only worked two hours, and then took the rest of the day off to go to an info session on the graduate program I want to attend. It was a great session and I definitely want to do this program (it's a Masters in Social Work program). Now I just have to get in... they only accept 150 students out of the 700 applications they receive each year! Yuck.

I also got in trouble at work on Wednesday. I neglected to remind my supervisors that I would be leaving early, so they neglected to find me a sub. When I got to work on Wednesday, I assumed that they would have found someone, so I left after two hours, like I'd planned. And apparently, I should have a) reminded them more often, and b) found a sub (even though they said they would take care of it). Ugg. They didn't mention it today, so whatever. I'm sure it's fine. It does raise the amount of pressure I'm under though. Now I feel like I have to be even more perfect.

Today was a good, easy day. I didn't do much at work, and tonight, all I did was watch TV and paint my nails :) Yay for relaxation! I also went to the doctor today to talk about my breathing issues. He said that I have temporary asthma caused by an allergic reaction to whatever was in the box. My lung function is down 30%, which is fairly significant. He gave me some pills that should take care of it in a few weeks, so yay! I'm glad that I'm not broken forever. I'm tired of coughing and not being able to breathe.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm super glad. I need a weekend. I hope you guys have a great Friday and weekend too! <3

Updates! On really old stuff too.

I haven't cut myself, which is good. My period is coming to an end, and I think the hormones are letting up. I was not a raging bitch at work on Thursday (on Wednesday, I was a crazy person) and Friday was a good day. Yesterday (Sunday) I was a bit bitchy, but that was for good reasons. First, my dad got freaked out at me for eating some whipped cream (his words were, "Stop eating that! Save some for the rest of us!"), when he didn't even want me to buy it in the first place! I was already a little emotional before that happened, because the church message was about forgiving those who have hurt you, and of course my mind went straight to Morgan and Isaac (the two people who have sexually assaulted/abused me). Crying in church sucks.

But anyway, after I recovered from my anger at my dad, I went shopping. Yay for 4th of July sales! I was trying to get to a specific shopping center, but I didn't know where it was and I forgot to ask the parents before I left. So after calling them 10 times and being convinced that they'd been murdered while I was gone, I spent 30 minutes driving aimlessly around the same area before finally finding it. But the good news is that I got a beautiful shirt for only $10! Of course, my parents were not dead when I got home, but I was still pretty angry with them. I hid out in my room for a while, and felt better.

On a completely different note, I realized that I never ended the best friend saga! If you look at these posts: one, two, three, four, and five, you'll see the crazy saga of my best friend Jamie and our epic fights. Some of the posts also include conflicts with my other friend Dana, but mostly this is about Jamie. Sooo, now that you're all caught up, here's what happened: Jamie and I got in another HUGE fight at the beginning of May. It was Jamie's birthday, and we took her out to dinner. Or rather, she forced us to go to an expensive place with her. I didn't get her a card or anything, because she had said that she didn't want anything. Plus I forgot. She seemed cool with that.

Then I found out that my paternal grandmother died, and I told Jamie and Dana the next day at dinner. When I told them that, Jamie's only response was, "On my birthday??? That makes it 10x worse!" My response to that was to tell her that she was so incredibly selfish for making this all about her, when really she should be asking how I was doing. She got pissed about that and left. I went to my room and blocked her on Facebook (immature, I know) because I was done. I was just done with our friendship. I was fed up with being abused, mistreated, trampled on, and blamed for everything. Then Jamie came over and yelled at me for not getting her a bday card! Like, seriously? What the hell. When she finished yelling, I told her that I was done. I told her that I couldn't be in this friendship anymore because it made me feel like crap all the time. She said that if she left my room, then we could never speak again. I almost decided to take her back, but thankfully, my better sense kicked in and I kicked her out.

Jamie and I spoke briefly over Facebook message after that, mostly to make sure that neither of us would talk about the other to other friends. Dana and I remained friends, and now we are basically best friends. For real though, not for fake, like with Jamie. We're still working on getting close, like I am with my other friends, but we are WAY closer than Jamie and I ever were.

The reason I thought of this is because I sent Jamie a Facebook message yesterday to wish her a happy summer and 4th of July. I figured that I could still be nice to her, because hating people just sucks. We've been talking a lot during the past 24 hours, and it's nice to be on good terms with her. Yay!

So that's it! I still can't breathe very well from the incident that happened at work (see my last post). If I can't breathe tomorrow, I am reporting it to my supervisor and going to the doctor. I haven't been able to sing in my car! Torture! I also can't do cardio, which is less of a torture, lol.
Oh, also, I've lost weight. Not on purpose, it just happened. I think I've gained muscle and lost fat from all the working out :) Just thought I'd notify you all. It's not much, but people can tell. I've gotten comments.

Sorry this is such a long post! Anyhoo, I gotta go to a lunch with my gramma and parents now! Should be fun :) Love you all!!!! <3

I HATE BEING A WOMAN

Hey :) I have been so incredibly lazy this week. I have my period, and it's screwing with my life. Firstly, it's making me a huge bitch, which is not good for work. I am more prone to yell at the kids and get in trouble with my bosses. NOT GOOD. Secondly, I just don't want to do anything. Ever. All I want to do is sleep. And thirdly, it's making me really moody and depressed. I want to cut all the time. I take little things and make them into mountains. THIS SUCKS. I hate my period. It needs to go away NOW. NOWWWW.

Thank goodness that tomorrow is Friday. I don't know if I could take any more of this week! AND it's a holiday weekend (4th of July, Independence Day, for those of you who don't live in the U.S.), so I have no work on Monday. THREE DAY WEEKEND, FUCK YES! I need this weekend. I am so tired.

Today at work, I managed to injure myself in two ways. First, I got stabbed in the finger by one of those sharp leaves when I was retrieving a ball during recess. And second, I inhaled some cardboard dust while I was helping one of the kids build a lava tube from a cardboard box, and now I can't breathe very well. I keep coughing and I can't take deep breaths at all. I think I should not work out tomorrow (not that I was going to anyway, but whatever). Besides getting hurt, today was actually a pretty good day at work. I didn't kill any children. Always a plus.

That's pretty much it. The bottom line is this: my period sucks and it's screwing with my life. And I want to hurt myself. Right now. A lot. Grr.

I think that the only thing stopping me is that I have not cut in 62 days, as of today. I thought that today was 60 days, but I've been counting wrong this whole time. Over 2 months! That's a lot. And I don't want to screw it up. I hope that I don't screw it up.