BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?
I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.
Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm
These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!
So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.
Love you guys :)
I think what you are feeling is normal when you quit therapy. I only went twice hated the chick that was suppose to be helping me and yep felt guilty, like a failure, even more confused then before. I try to psychoanalyze myself with my college classes too. lol I know want to get my brain scanned so I can see it I have the mind of a killer. Last weeks topic. If you have the option of someone else maybe try it I mean couldnt hurt. I had no option it was either this 22 year old just out of school bad dressing newbie or nothing. Take care and keep posting we are all here for you!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't like your therapist I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did! I've refused to go back to two people because they didn't actually listen and talked down to me. At least this ones gives me some credit for good sense!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't like the therapist, you won't engage and get decent stuff out of it and you're wasting precious time that could be better spent at the pet shop cuddling kittens/SPCA walking dogs/have a fucking bubblebath.
Those are four big things. The last two can be worked on by noticing the urge to do it and not acting on it/doing something more constructive to deal with the emotions. The urge doesn't go away, but you can deal with it better.
The first two: Keep telling yourself that you're fucking AWESOME and sexual assault is NEVER the victim's fault. It's the fault of the weak-willed douchebomb agressor and the people who victim-blame and slutchame. Tell yourself until you believe it.
I fucking HATE how our culture tacitly condones rape. It drives me up the wall. I've been doing a lot of tumblr-inspired reading into the problems of rape culture and what we can do about it. (I follow a LOT of womens' rights blogs. You might like some of the feminist writings at Skepchick, apart from the accasional rabid atheist. Rabid atheists scare me as much as rabid theists. People don't all have to think the same fucking things! Greta at FTB does amazing mental health-related posts too. She's another of the Depression Brainspaz Peebs) I'm on your side ALWAYS.
LOVE YOU TO BITS LIZZEH *Huggles*