Brainzzzz

I've been doing alright. Since I wrote that last post about being fine and happy, I have been less than fine and happy. I started having flashbacks again, and since I found that razor, I have wanted to cut all the time. I lie in bed at night and think about cutting. I also have been completely unable to sleep until 3 or 4 am for about 3 days straight now. I am just so anxious that I can sit still. It's like the pit of my stomach is rising into my throat, and if I don't move, I might explode or die. Today I am running on 3 hours of sleep, I started my period, I had my stupid filling, and I had a really stressful day at work. And I have a splitting headache that might turn into a migraine (since I'm on my period, I'm expecting one any day now...). Sounds like fun, right?

My filling was actually fine. The worst part was the numbing part, when they stuck a needle into my gum and injected Novocaine. Other than that, it was just really freaky to feel the drill vibrating and hear it. THEY DRILLED INTO MY TOOTH. WTF. But it didn't and doesn't hurt. My jaw is a bit sore, and I chewed my cheek some because I couldn't feel anything, but those are my only complaints. That, and the $100 that it cost. But oh well.

This weekend, I realized how crappy junk food can make you feel. I basically only ate junk all weekend, and I felt like shit. Don't do it. It sucks. It was fun, but don't do it. Since Peri asked, you microwave s'mores by putting a marshmallow in the microwave for about 17 seconds (depending on the microwave, you want it to be squishy, but not explode) and stick it on a graham cracker with chocolate. Magic, s'more! Yay! It is DELICIOUS.

I think my brain is going to fall out. Talk later chicas :)

Weeeeek bleeeeh

Hey! I have officially finished a week of work, and it feels great. I am pretty much hating my job. I like kids, but a) my feet are killing me after a day of work because of my Achilles tendonitis, and b) the kids are fucking crazy. I am so glad it's the weekend, but I am having a hard time imagining how I'm going to get through 9 more weeks of this... My parents are out of town again this weekend, but no fun plans. Last night, and I ate Taco Bell (which I'm not really allowed to have usually, since my parents think I'm fat) and made s'mores in the microwave. DELICIOUS. Then I watched TV until 1 am. I slept till noon today, watched more TV, and I'm about to go see my gramma. We are going to shop for a new recliner for her, have dinner, and see a movie. My gramma is the coolest lady. I love her so much <3


Oh, I should mention that my hamstring is mostly fine (remember, I injured it on Saturday last week). It still bothers me some when I'm on the bike, but I'm taking it slow and trying to be careful.


In other news, I found a razor when I was cleaning my room the other day. I don't quite know what to do with it. I realize I should throw it away, but part of me wants to keep it, just in case. Stupid, I know. I'll probably throw it away this weekend. Bleh.


Also, I found this gem when reading some old journal entries: "Everything sucks balls. Life sucks balls. And that sucks, because I’m gay so I don’t like sucking balls. Lol."
Direct quote there. I am SO COOL. Ahahahaha :)


I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need therapy after all. Here's the thing: I feel good. Yes, I'm stressed out as hell because of my job. Yes, sometimes I feel like shit. Yes, sometimes I feel like self-harming, but I only think about it (briefly) and never do it. But honestly, since I got my medication dose upped, I feel great. I like myself, I'm happy, I laugh more, I don't want to kill my parents. I don't have flashbacks. I'm in therapy because I have flashbacks. And I really don't anymore. And even when I think about that bitch, I don't freak out much. I sure as hell don't forgive her, but I don't have a panic attack when I think about her. If I start thinking about exactly what might have happened, then it gets a little dicey. But otherwise, I'm good. I don't know. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I guess I'll tell her this stuff, and we'll see how it goes. 


Finally, I have a cavity. I know, big deal. But it's my first one, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I have a filling scheduled for Monday (which, oopsies, is scheduled for 2.5 hours before my therapy appointment... I hope I don't look/talk funny during that). I'm scared! I don't want a filling! I don't want a cavity!! LAME. 


Ok... I have to go. BYE! I hope your weekends are fabulous. Stay awesome. 

Meowwww

Sorry it's been so long (5 WHOLE DAYS)! Things have been good. I officially started my job today, which is pretty sweet. I found out that my counterpart (the other person doing aftercare) was also hired a week ago, so there must have been a bunch of people who backed out of the job at the last minute! Weird... Today was good. I watched the kids during lunch, helped with the classes, retrieved twenty million basketballs from out of bounds on the playground (the kids can't go past a certain point), and hung out with the kids after classes. My feet are KILLING me though. Lame! I think this whole summer will be a ton of pain for my feet and Achilles tendons. Boooo. But it's money! I'm getting $9.89 per hour, 30 hours per week, plus extra hours if they need me (which they said they will periodically). YAY!

I had a sleepover with my best friend this weekend, which was pretty fantabulous. My parents were out of town, so we got to be ALONE for a whole evening! We drank cocktails (and stayed totally sober), read My Immortal (a ridiculously bad Harry Potter fanfiction that everyone loves to laugh at; there's a drinking game for it too!) and died laughing, and watched No Strings Attached. It was a great night! Sometimes my bestie and I have weird, non-interactive sleepovers because we don't have as much in common as we did when we were 13, but I'd say that this was our best one yet :)

I also injured myself while working out on Saturday (dumb dumb de-dumb dumb). I did the stationary bike for 45 minutes instead of 30, and I decided that since I was feeling so good on the bike, I would up the resistance too. Bad move. I'm not sure which one of those things was the tipping point, but after I left the gym, I realized that my right inner thigh and butt muscles were really hurt. I was limping and couldn't even walk up the stairs using my right leg! Oops... I wish I'd realized it sooner, and then I could have stopped my workout. But even after I stopped biking, I did my physical therapy stuff and some weights and felt no pain. Grr! Stupid body. So I took Sunday and Monday (today) off, and tomorrow I will carefully try the bike again. Hope it goes well!

Oh! I found this great recipe for Sweet Potato Fries that's super healthy.
- You take a sweet potato, cut it into strips or rounds (I cut into rounds because it is SO much easier).
- Lightly coat with olive oil (I just dip my fingers in the olive oil a bit and spread it on each piece of sweet potato).
- Sprinkle with cumin, salt, chili powder, and onion powder (I only use cumin and salt, but I think just salt would be delicious too!).
- Place on a wax paper-lined cookie sheet (parchment paper is good too) and bake in the oven at 425 degrees Fahrenheit for 15-18 minutes.
- Take out when the sweet potato rounds are slightly browned on the tops. Some of them may be burnt, which is fine.

It's SO GOOD! It is very healthy and low in calories, for those of you who are concerned. I wouldn't normally share recipes on here, but this one is too good to not share.
Ok, that's it. Have a wonderful evening guys! xoxoxo

Therapy appointment :)

Wazzup? So I had my therapy appointment yesterday (Tuesday). It was pretty good! She seems nice. Her name is Sarah. We mostly talked about all the forms I filled out and my history. She seemed really focused on my cutting, which was weird. I guess it's bad or something. I don't know, I just think of it as normal, I guess. She said that a lot of times, women who self-harm have unresolved pain from their past. That sounds about right for me, so perhaps it is true. I mostly want to work on the stuff surrounding my rape, so she made me tell her what happened. We didn't get all the way through the story, but we did get to the part where I had to say exactly what that bitch did to me. Fuck. I HATE talking about that part. I am very open about everything else, but I am NOT open about a) what she specifically did to my body (or I guess, what she said she did, since I blacked out), and b) what she said happened (see this post for details). I DO NOT want to talk about that, especially to a stranger. It's funny, I have never had a problem telling complete strangers intimate details about myself. But something about my rape (and about my sexual abuse too, now that I think about it) makes me close off. I don't know why.

The other thing she said was that falling down the stairs and hitting your head can cause serious brain damage. She mentioned this because I told her that I fell down the stairs A LOT during the fall semester. I also fell and hit my head against the wall on the night I was raped. I fell down the stairs too that night. I guess I never realized that it was that serious... But anyway. We didn't get very far, but I have another appointment in about 1.5 weeks. I was supposed to schedule it sooner, but my schedule didn't mesh with hers.

This morning I participated in that study that I mentioned in my last post. It was fun! She just asked questions about my blog and stuff. You should all do it! She said that the more people she talks to, the better. She is just fascinated by the online community for people with eating disorders. I am fascinated by it too, so I can relate. I just think it's really cool that I could come here and talk about what I wanted, and people would listen and support me. So thank you, guys. You have no idea how much I appreciate you all and your feedback. I LOVE YOU! <3

YAY!!

Hey guys! Guess what?? I got a job! It's at the science museum that I used to work at. I quit that job to work at a mental health clinic last summer, but now I have it again! I used to be an assistant teacher for the summer classes (for kids ages 5 to 14, separated into classes by grade), but now I will be watching the kids after the classes end and helping out as needed during the second half of the day. So my shift is 12 pm to 6 pm. That means 30 hours per week at about $9.50 per hour (I'm guessing on this, since I haven't been offered a specific salary yet). I haven't officially been offered the job yet, but that's because I was only interviewed yesterday and my boss has to submit the paperwork to Human Resources. By the end of the week, I should know my schedule! The classes are each a week long, so it's different kids every week. I didn't originally get the job, because I kinda sucked at it last time, but someone backed out at the last minute so my boss needed someone who was already trained. So that's me! Classes officially start next week. So YAY!! I'm excited to make some money and get more experience working with kids.

The only thing about having a job is that a) I will have less time to bum around the house (i.e. do research for my thesis, watch a ton of TV, knit a lot), and b) I can't go to my pilates class anymore! The class is at noon, and I have to be at work at noon. Poo. I'm sad about that. But whatever, I'll survive.

Finally, I got an email from a researcher who is doing a study on pro-ana bloggers. She asked that I forward the info to other bloggers that might be interested, so here it is: 

Hello,

My name is Daphna Yeshua-Katz and I am a graduate student in the Department of Telecommunications at Indiana University. I have read your blog and would like to invite you to participate in my study about pro-ana bloggers. I am very interested in learning about your motivations for publishing your blog, as well as the benefits the blog may provide to both you and your readers.

Ideally, the interview would take place over the phone or via Skype. However, if you don’t feel comfortable with either of these approaches, I would be happy to send my questions to you via email. I can schedule the interview at convenient day and time for you. Whichever method you choose, please know that your identity will be kept anonymous and your answers will stay strictly confidential. 

You are also welcome to ask me any questions about the study at any time. You can contact me by email at dyeshuak@indiana.edu, phone +1- 812-3204517. In the meantime, you can learn more about me here:  http://www.indiana.edu/~telecom/people/grads/dyeshuak.shtml . I hope to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

Daphna Yeshua-Katz

P.S. If you know more pro-ana bloggers that would be interested in participating in this study please feel free to forward them this invitation.

If you're interested, contact her! I'm participating, and it should be fun! I love studies. I think that's the psychology major in me talking, lol. 

Well, I'm off. I have my first appointment with my new therapist in about two hours. I'll post tomorrow to let you know how it went!

Love you all <3

Lalalalalalala

I'm doing much better with the food. I think I just needed to recognized that I was getting a little obsessed, and then snap out of it. As I get further and further into recovery, I am much more able to recognize when I am slipping and then fix it quickly. I hope that I won't have anything like what happened last spring (when I relapsed and lost a ton of weight and then was miserable for six months), cuz that suuuuuucked. But in a way, I'm glad it happened, because a) it made me a lot stronger, and b) it made me start this blog! And without it, I wouldn't have you guys! That would be so sad.

My friend (who was suicidal) is doing alright. She hasn't mentioned anything about trying again, and I've been checking in on her a lot. I hope she stays ok! She asked for my blog link once, and I almost gave it to her, but then I realized that it would be suuuuper embarrassing because I talk about her a lot. So I'm not doing that.

The big thing going on right now is that I'm totally unmotivated to work out. I was so gung-ho about doing it at first, and now I'm not. I took two days off because I was sore the first day and not feeling well the second day, and now I just don't want to. I worked out yesterday, and I was just really tired and unmotivated and not able to do as much as I usually do. I don't know what's up with that. It's more than just lack of motivation; I'm just tired! For no reason! Weird...

Ooh my parents are going out of town next weekend, so my bestie and I are going to have a sleepover ALONE! We are going to buy alcohol (since we're both 21 now, so we can legally do it!) and eat junk food and have dance parties to really loud music. It's going to be so awesome! I am so excited.

SOOOONG!

Life is pretty good. I think the higher dose of medication is good for me, don't you? I haven't felt really sad (for no reason, at least) or like hurting myself in quite a while. Yay!

AAAAAAND finally, there's this super cool new blogger that you should check out! Her name is Corey and she's really nice. We've been texting a lot. SO CHECK HER OUT! :-D

Have a great day peeps!

Counting calories... :(

I have a confession: I'm counting calories. But I'm not sure it's in a bad, eating disordered way. Since I started working out, I've been thinking that I need to be healthier overall. So I joined this site called SparkPeople a few days ago, and it's been helping me track my calories eaten and burned. But I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't such a good idea. Here's why:

Tonight I went to my gramma's house to watch a movie and eat pizza. And when I remembered that we were eating pizza, I immediately panicked and was worried about the extra calories. Which is stupid, because I AM ALLOWED TO EAT PIZZA! I shouldn't be worried about the calories in the pizza; I should be worried about how hungry or full I am when I'm eating the pizza. I also had an experience a few nights ago where I couldn't sleep because I was super hungry, but I was afraid to eat because I had already had my allotted calories for the day. Soooo, I think that this counting thing is a bad idea. It's not super obsessive yet, but it is getting there.

But the good thing that has come out of this is some healthier meal habits forming. Instead of eating a large portion of granola for breakfast, I am going to start making peanut butter/banana smoothies, which sounds WAAAY better (and healthier, and has protein!). I'm also switching to fruits and veggies for snacks instead of tons of wheat thins. Not that I can't have wheat thins, but I should not eat half a bag of them in one sitting.

OH HEY, I might have a job opportunity! I met a girl last night at a church group who said that Old Navy is hiring some people for the summer (she works there). So I'm going to apply! YAY! I really hope I get it. NEEEEED MONEY!

Finally, I had a scare yesterday. Remember Isabel, the amazing woman that I was hooking up with and had feelings for? She texted me yesterday and told me that she had attempted suicide the previous day. She wasn't trying too hard, because she could have taken a lot more pills than she did. I think she didn't completely want to die. But still, it totally freaked me out. I'm really, really, really worried about her. I would be completely devastated if she died. I can't deal with this! NOT OK. I'm keeping a close eye on her (at least the best I can, since she's in Illinois and I'm in Oregon), just in case. I just can't lose her. I can't do it. I wouldn't survive.

Ok, lovies. It is sleepy time for me! I'm totally exhausted today. Have a great Friday!!

Oh, Rebecca Black...

Good news!

Wazzup! Good news: I finally found a therapist! She's part of a Christian counseling center, which I thought might be interesting. I don't necessarily need to incorporate my faith into my treatment, but I've found that some of the most helpful comments from my friend have been faith-related. Knowing that God has a plan for my life and that He is watching out for me is comforting and makes situations seem less hopeless. But anyway, sorry for the religious tangent. Don't worry, I'm not going to try to convert you, and I don't usually talk about my faith on this blog. I actually have another blog where I talk about that!

Getting back to the point: I have an appointment with her in a week. The clinic that she works at is very close to my house, which is nice. She is also covered by my insurance, which is a must, although it will still be about $22 per session for me to pay. I think that seeing her every week would freak my parents out (about the money), so after the first few sessions, I hope that she will be ok with moving to every two weeks. That is, if I like her. This first appointment or so is a test-run, and if I don't mesh with her style, then I can find someone else. However, I REALLY, REALLY hope that we mesh. I'm freaking tired of calling therapists.

Other than that, things have been really chill. Since I've given up on finding a job, I've resigned myself to sitting around the house all the time. My neighbor might need help with her kids, so if she calls, then I'd be happy to make some cash that way. I'm thinking about finding some way to volunteer, but I don't know who I would volunteer for. It would have to be something that I'm interested in, obviously. I used to volunteer with the library, but I didn't like that much. We'll see, I guess.

The other thing that is going on is my workout schedule. I have been spending about 45 minutes on cardio, plenty of time stretching (because I know that if I don't stretch enough, then I get injured), and then I generally wander around and decide which weight machines I feel like using. I usually spend about 2 hours at the gym, which is a huge time-suck. Yesterday I tried out pilates, which was KILLER. I'm suuuuuper sore today. And that brings me to the point of this: I'm getting a little obsessive about the number of days per week that I work out. Someone suggested that four days per week would be a good number, but the American College of Sports Medicine says that you really need 200 minutes of exercise per week to be healthy - if you're actually overweight or obese, by BMI standards, not just feeling like you're overweight or obese (which averages out to about 40 minutes, 5 days per week OR 50 minutes, 4 days per week). That's moderate-intensity exercise, so basically cardio, but not killer cardio. So this all makes me think that I need to be working out more. I have actually worked out four times per week since I got this gym membership, but it doesn't feel like enough. In fact, it's only Monday (which is when I'm starting the week), and I'm already worried that I won't get my four days in. It's so stupid.

But the good news is that I haven't been pushing it too far. Because I know that I will get injured, I haven't been killing myself with the cardio, and I've been trying to switch between leg days and arm days for weights. But I think I do need a break for a day. And I feel guilty taking it. So I don't know if I'll end up working out today... time will tell.

What is a binge, really?

Hey ya'll. So I didn't end up going to the gym on Thursday night. When I finished blogging, I realized that the headache I had was really the beginnings of a migraine. So I took a migraine pill and watched TV until I was tired enough to sleep. I did work out yesterday though. I tried the stairmaster, which is an evil, evil machine. I could only stay on for eight minutes before I died. I also went today and swam. I did a whole 300 yards (12 laps) without stopping! Last time I swam, I could only do half that. So yay! I am super wiped out now though.

So I was thinking earlier today about the concept of bingeing. When I was a bulimic (in high school), my binges were pretty standard for the DSM definition. I would eat a ridiculous amount of food in one sitting (i.e. whole quart of ice cream, a box of cereal, and a pan of brownies) and then purge (or use laxatives, or fast, or whatever). But when I had my relapse last spring, a binge for me was quite different. If I hadn't been eating much that day, a binge would be if I ate too much corn at dinner, or if I had over 300 calories in one sitting, or if I ate chocolate. It's interesting how the concept of bingeing is so different at different times.

I was thinking about this because, as you might have noticed, I have a thing on the side of my blog page that says how long it's been since I last binged. Right now it's at 10 months. And sometimes I feel guilty, because I feel like I have been bingeing, yet the binge counter is staying at 10 months. But then I realized today that I haven't been bingeing at all. When I would binge in high school, I would feel completely out of control, like I couldn't stop eating. I would eat to feel better, to reward myself for something, any excuse. And I would feel incredibly guilty afterwards. Sometimes now, I eat more than I should. But there is no component of feeling out of control or feeling guilty. And that's how I know that it's not really a binge. So if I eat a whole bag of Cheetos, it wasn't a binge; I should just really watch how many Cheetos I'm eating next time.

So tired...

Hey girlies :) I'm doing better than I was a few days ago, which is good. I got a burst of inspiration and motivation yesterday evening, which led to me cleaning my room for 5 hours today. Why would it take five hours? Because I'm a pack rat who thinks that I might need everything at some point, so I don't throw things away. But today I recycled and threw away a shit ton of stuff, and I have another two bags of things that I don't want anymore to sort through/give to Goodwill. I'm exhausted now though.

I'm contemplating going to the gym, but I am so tired. I didn't get a ton of sleep last night because I was cleaning (I know, I'm weird), and I got up pretty earlier to go to this knitting circle thing. I had an eye doctor appointment and am trying a different brand of contacts for a week. And then I cleaned! So in short, I feel like I should work out, but I'm really sore from yesterday (I did some really hard cardio and had physical therapy) and I'm exhausted from cleaning. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Here's the thing: I think a normal person would say, "Ok, I cleaned a bunch today and I'm tired. I'll just skip the gym. That's fine." But since I'm not a normal person, I say, "Well, I did clean today, but that didn't burn as many calories as cardio and didn't get my heart rate up. And who cares of I'm sore? I should just push through it. Plus I'll feel guilty if I don't work out!" That's the kicker right there: guilt. Guilt gets me every time. I don't know if I should or shouldn't work out, but I probably will end up working out anyway because I'll feel guilty if I don't. Not healthy, I know.

See, this is the kind of thing that worries me. I really, really don't want this gym membership thing to get obsessive. But I can't change who I am. I will probably always feel guilty for not working out if I'd planned to, and for not going the full time that I'd planned for cardio (i.e. I did 32 minutes of biking instead of 35. Big deal, right? For me it is.). All I'm saying is, I have to watch it.

Ok, I'll go away now. I have a headache and I'm super tired. So long!