Saturday, April 30, 2011
I messed up
Me #1- happy me
Me #2- hurting me
Me #2: You could just cut. Why does this matter? It's helping you.
Me #1: Yes, but then I would disappoint everyone. I should really call a friend.
Me #2: Ok, well think of it this way- cutting is helping and hurting you. Quitting is helping and hurting you. So what's the difference.
Me #1: I guess... *wavers*
Me #2: Ha! *cuts self*
Me #1: Wait! I wasn't done fighting yet!
Me #2: Too freaking bad. You were too slow, as usual.
Me #1: Well, I guess now that it's done, I shouldn't feel guilty about it because then I'll just cut again...
I love my internal conversations sometimes. I've never thought of there being two mes. I've always thought about it being me against self-injury, or me against my ED. But I guess it was me against myself the whole time...
I am also convinced that I am in control of this thing, when really, I'm not. It's like how I was completely convinced that I was in control of my ED, when that's silly, because you never are. You think you are. You are NOT. It controls you. If I was in control, then I wouldn't have crazy urges to hurt myself all the time.
The cut was a little bad. I should just really stick to safer things, because razor blades are scary. Or, I should really just not do it. My friend came over, and I gave her my last razor blade. I swear this time. I already miss it.
Well, I have more to say, but I SERIOUSLY need to write my papers. I have two 8-10 page papers due in a week... fml. <3 you all.