Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I'm ok, really
I'm ok. My friend (who reads this blog) came over and took my razors away. It was hard and I'm scared without them. I feel like, what's the point? I'm never going to be able to give them up completely. It's been nine freaking years since I started this! And I've tried to quit so many times. The longest I ever went was right after I went into recovery for my bulimia when I was 16/17. I went 1.5 years, I think. I was so focused on recovery that I didn't even think to cut. But then I got to college, and that made me cut again.
But anyway, I know it's bad for me. I also know that it helps me a ton. I realized (for the first time, can you believe that, after 9 years??) what I like about cutting. I mean, it's not the only thing I like about it, but you know. I like that my mind is finally clear after I do it. All I have to focus on is the cut, the blood, the clean-up. I don't need to think about anything else because that takes priority. And my mind stays pretty blank for a while after, which is nice, since my mind is usually going a mile a minute. After I cut, I like to do something easy, like watch TV, because I'm generally tired and calm.
For example, I cut on Monday before my Nutrition class so that I could get through it. I hate that class, mostly because I hate the professor. He is stupid and infuriating, and I frequently end up snapping at him. Which I don't do with ANY other professors. EVER. So I cut beforehand and it worked. I was able to get through class calmly. Clearly, this is not the way to do it. But it was nice for once.
Writing about cutting makes me want to cut. I still have my scissors (they're my knitting scissors, you can't have them, sorry), but I probably shouldn't use them. I won't. It's right before breakfast and I don't have time. I mean, I probably shouldn't anyway, but that's my rationality to myself (the part that wants to cut).
Well, gotta go eat. I love you guys :)