Wednesday, March 16, 2011
That's how I feel recently. Uuuuuug. I'm just tired and unmotivated and blah. I wrote in my last post that I was feeling a bit better, but no more. Bleeeeeeeehhhhh. Sorry, I just want to keep typing that. I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I really could care less. I don't want to get a bad grade in the class (and by bad grade I mean a B), but I don't freaking care about this paper. I really don't care if language is a cyborg technology or not. Shoot me now.
I'm having this thing where I don't want to die (actively) but I don't really want to be here either. I've had this before. I just want to go to sleep one night and never wake up. Just chill forever. Sooooo tired. Sometimes I care about stuff, but lots of times I don't. I still care about the big stuff: friends, college, graduate school. But not the little stuff: homework, sleeping, food. I keep losing my appetite too, which never happens to me.
My therapist is unhelpful. I don't care about her anymore. I just want to stop seeing her. I know I haven't met my "treatment goals," but I don't give a rat's ass about them either. I'm just bored, and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I think we're not a good match. I know that I'm still screwed up, but she's not particularly helpful on that account. I need some antidepressants to add to my mood stabilizer, but that requires my prescriber and I can't see her. Just have to wait till the middle of May.
That whole rape thing is still bothering me too. I freaked out on Saturday because three different people, one book, and on TV show all talked about rape. I was up until 4 am crying. I'm so tired of this stuff. I just want to be freaking normal.