Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'm losing control

Guys, I'm losing it. I don't think I mentioned this, but I gave up sweets for Lent this year. This is the first year that I've done Lent, and it's interesting. So sweets includes all desserts, anything with chocolate (even mochas or chocolate yogurt), candy, etc. This was going fine until I realized that cutting out sweets could help me lose weight. Cue eating disordered thinking...

Possible weight loss started out as just a perk to the whole Lent thing. Then it blossomed into a desire to be healthier all around. I started not going back for seconds at dinner. Next I cut out half my breakfast. I went from cheerios with milk and toast with margarine, plus cranberry juice ---> toast with margarine and water. I started weighing myself again. It's getting obsessive. Just now, I weighed myself three times. Once with clothes on, once with clothes off, and once with clothes off after I peed. And I'm ridiculously excited about that last number, because it's four pounds lower than last week... not good. But continuing on: the past few days I've been eating less and less. Today I only had about 1000 calories. I counted. Which is also not good. And most of it was veggies. I'm losing control.

Intake today:
- Breakfast: Two pieces of toast with butter
- Lunch: Side salad (lettuce, cheese, croutons) with ranch dressing, Light and Fit yogurt
- Dinner: 3/4 of a bagel melt thing (half a bagel with pesto and melted cheese on top), cooked carrots and peas
And lots of water.

And the sad thing is that I can't stop. I want to. Kind of. That's the other scary part: I'm not sure what I want to do. I should be fighting this with all I've got. But instead, I'm on the fence. I almost didn't tell my friends. I knew I needed to, but I really didn't want to because I knew they would stop me from doing what I'm doing. Which they should! But I almost didn't want them to.

Normally, I eat grilled cheese for lunch. Eating a grilled cheese sandwich right now terrifies me. Crap.

I'm screwed.


  1. Think of the flavours, bone-supporting calcium, satiating dairy protein and good fats and ZOMG FIBER!! (Thats if you use brown bread)

    Lol, I'm so buying cheese this week. I'm making meatless nachos for work lunches (Meatless means I don't have to put it in the staffroom fridge and run the risk of some cunt stealing it) and I'll NEED the cheese coz my nachos are like rocket fuel, they burn all the way to your stomach!

    Love you <3

  2. maybe do lower cal grilled cheese? i found sandra lee "45 cals and delicious" bread, it tastes like white bread but you can have a grilled cheese for like 150 cals with it... prolly shouldnt be fueling ur hiding.. but hey, nice way to be good and bad.