Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom...

The whole friend situation hasn't progressed much. Jamie is being weird. She was acting all nice on Monday and wanted to go to lunch (but then realized she had a conflict), but today she was kinda bitchy! I went to get my alcohol back from her room, and she acted like she was very upset with me. Maybe she heard that I was telling my friends about what happened? Maybe she expected that I would have "seen reason" by now? I have no idea.

In other news, no cutting, no noticeable depression, no eating disorder relapses. Actually, I'm kind of worried that I'm slipping into a hypomanic episode. I think I might be being paranoid though... Here are the diagnostic criteria for a hypomanic episode:
- Pressured speech (tendency to speak quickly and frenziedly) MAYBE? I'm kind of always like this...
- Inflated self-esteem Haha that's hilarious. NO.
- Decreased need for sleep YES, def
- Easily distractibility YEP, got this one too
- Psychomotor agitation (google it) NOPE
- Engagement in risky pleasurable activities (lots o sex, shopping, gambling, etc) I haven't done this yet, but I definitely have been tempted to do some day drinking or go out and get laid on the weekend... not good. And dangerous (and stupid). 


You have to have three or more of the symptoms. I have at least two. I don't know. We'll see how this plays out. I think I'm being paranoid though...

Well, that's all folks. Come again soon!

Hate

Yesterday couldn't have gotten worse. The daytime was ok. I hung out with some friends and had some delicious challah (Jewish braided bread, sooooo goood!). Then I played Monopoly with my friends Jamie and Dana. That's when stuff started going downhill.

During Monopoly, we decided as a group to go to some parties because there was this cool Traffic Light Party. You are supposed to wear green if you're single, yellow/orange if it's complicated, and red if you're taken. We discussed what we could wear, etc. I started drinking a rum and coke because I can't go to parties without drinking; I just get bored and I leave after 2 minutes (literally). My friends also started drinking. We finished playing Monopoly (I lost hardcore, lol) and then it got ugly. We were discussing what to do next, and Jamie said that she was tired and didn't want to go to the party. I was kind of pissed, because this is not the first time that she's backed out of plans. She claimed that the plans weren't definite and we should just do something else. But I drank just because we were going to the party! I told her that it was ok if she and Dana didn't want to party; I would just find another friend to go with. I was fairly drunk at this point, but not ridiculously so, and my judgment was still good and I wasn't falling over or anything.

We ended up having a HUGE argument over the situation. Jamie and Dana ganged up on me and claimed that I was being extremely selfish by saying that I wanted to go to the party with someone else. We had plans, and I was ditching them. I said that NO, I was not ditching them; our plans were to play Monopoly. We played Monopoly. If anything, they were being unfair because we had planned to go the party and they backed out. But apparently I'm selfish and I ditch my friends whenever they don't want to do what I want to do. What??

I also think that if I were in a similar situation and my friend didn't want to do what I wanted to do, I would be ok with that. I would not freak out because "they were being selfish." Uuug.

We argued for at least 2 hours, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. Jamie made it clear that she didn't want to drink with me ever again. I made it clear that I couldn't be friends with someone who was going to back out of plans repeatedly and then call ME selfish. She wouldn't give me back my alcohol. I was pissed. I left.

I went to my room. I was really angry, at myself and at them. I felt like I was a horrible person and maybe they were right. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am self-centered. I feel like I am sometimes. I talk about myself a lot, but really, how can you have a conversation without bringing your personal experiences into it?

I cut myself.

I couldn't stop sobbing.

I called my other best friends and they came over and stayed with me until I had stopped crying and felt a little better. I sobered up and drank at TON of water, and passed out. This morning it still hurts, but I know that after what happened, our friendship can't be repaired.

Last night I lost one of my oldest friends and my BEST best friend. I can't believe this is happening. I also can't believe that I cut again. During the fight, I knew that as soon as I left, I was going to cut.

This is so dumb. I hate it.

A bit better

Hey :)

Today was a bit better (ok, a lot better) than the last week or so. I actually ate normal things. It was sucky and I kind of freaked out, but it will be ok. The more meals I ate, the easier it got. I think my brain remembered that food is a good thing (wait, what? when did this happen?) and it wanted me to eat.

I haven't weighed myself, and I put my scale away so I won't be looking at it constantly. I haven't counted calories today (mostly because I think the number would scare me). It was very difficult to not purge after lunch, but I didn't do that either. I just have to focus and let others help me, because I can't do this by myself (even though I wish I could)...

Thanks to all the people (online and in real life) that helped me these past few days :)
Love ya <3

Iz not so gooood

Intake today:
- Breakfast: None, I was sleeping (0)
- Lunch: Salad (lettuce, croutons, cheese, ranch dressing) (271) and Light and Fit yogurt (80)
- Snack: Diet Pepsi (1)
- Dinner: Veggies (140)
Total: 491

Iz not goood. I mean, if I were trying to not eat, then it would be fine. But since I'm supposed to be in recovery and I'm trying to convince myself that a relapse is a BAD idea, it's NOT good. The disordered side is winning...

F.

Oh also, my weight is down 5 pounds from last week and 1 pound from yesterday. Oops.

I'm losing control

Guys, I'm losing it. I don't think I mentioned this, but I gave up sweets for Lent this year. This is the first year that I've done Lent, and it's interesting. So sweets includes all desserts, anything with chocolate (even mochas or chocolate yogurt), candy, etc. This was going fine until I realized that cutting out sweets could help me lose weight. Cue eating disordered thinking...

Possible weight loss started out as just a perk to the whole Lent thing. Then it blossomed into a desire to be healthier all around. I started not going back for seconds at dinner. Next I cut out half my breakfast. I went from cheerios with milk and toast with margarine, plus cranberry juice ---> toast with margarine and water. I started weighing myself again. It's getting obsessive. Just now, I weighed myself three times. Once with clothes on, once with clothes off, and once with clothes off after I peed. And I'm ridiculously excited about that last number, because it's four pounds lower than last week... not good. But continuing on: the past few days I've been eating less and less. Today I only had about 1000 calories. I counted. Which is also not good. And most of it was veggies. I'm losing control.

Intake today:
- Breakfast: Two pieces of toast with butter
- Lunch: Side salad (lettuce, cheese, croutons) with ranch dressing, Light and Fit yogurt
- Dinner: 3/4 of a bagel melt thing (half a bagel with pesto and melted cheese on top), cooked carrots and peas
And lots of water.

And the sad thing is that I can't stop. I want to. Kind of. That's the other scary part: I'm not sure what I want to do. I should be fighting this with all I've got. But instead, I'm on the fence. I almost didn't tell my friends. I knew I needed to, but I really didn't want to because I knew they would stop me from doing what I'm doing. Which they should! But I almost didn't want them to.

Normally, I eat grilled cheese for lunch. Eating a grilled cheese sandwich right now terrifies me. Crap.

I'm screwed.

Rape

So I like this show called Veronica Mars. It's basically about this teenage girl whose dad is a private investigator, and she helps him investigate crimes/investigates stuff for her friends. I love this show. I am on season 3, which is the last season, and I really want to see how it ends.

Here's my issue: there is so much rape in this show, it's not even funny. I want to be strong, and pretend that seeing girls on this show after they've been raped doesn't affect me, but that's not true at all. It was alright in the last two seasons because rape was only mentioned a few times, but this season is all about Veronica finding out who this serial rapist is. Can I really handle rape in every episode for a whole season? I'm on episode 2 and I don't know if I can handle it.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be a better person. I want to be a strong person. I want to be a person who doesn't get affected by things like this. Just because I was raped, doesn't mean I have to freak out whenever it is mentioned, right?

Uuuug.

Blah

Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

That's how I feel recently. Uuuuuug. I'm just tired and unmotivated and blah. I wrote in my last post that I was feeling a bit better, but no more. Bleeeeeeeehhhhh. Sorry, I just want to keep typing that. I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I really could care less. I don't want to get a bad grade in the class (and by bad grade I mean a B), but I don't freaking care about this paper. I really don't care if language is a cyborg technology or not. Shoot me now.

I'm having this thing where I don't want to die (actively) but I don't really want to be here either. I've had this before. I just want to go to sleep one night and never wake up. Just chill forever. Sooooo tired. Sometimes I care about stuff, but lots of times I don't. I still care about the big stuff: friends, college, graduate school. But not the little stuff: homework, sleeping, food. I keep losing my appetite too, which never happens to me.

My therapist is unhelpful. I don't care about her anymore. I just want to stop seeing her. I know I haven't met my "treatment goals," but I don't give a rat's ass about them either. I'm just bored, and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I think we're not a good match. I know that I'm still screwed up, but she's not particularly helpful on that account. I need some antidepressants to add to my mood stabilizer, but that requires my prescriber and I can't see her. Just have to wait till the middle of May.

That whole rape thing is still bothering me too. I freaked out on Saturday because three different people, one book, and on TV show all talked about rape. I was up until 4 am crying. I'm so tired of this stuff. I just want to be freaking normal.

That's all.

I'M BAAACK!

Kinda. You know how I said that things were going pretty well and I didn't have anything new/exciting to say? Wrong. Here's the skinny.

I've been depressed lately (sorry I didn't tell you Sarah, I didn't want you to worry). For the last two and a half weeks, I've been totally down. Not really depressed, like last semester, but just enough depressed to make me annoyed. That's why I was so tired before, I guess. Within a few days, I went from normal to depressed and my self-esteem was flushed down the toilet, as was my work-ethic and motivation to get out of bed. And I started cutting again. It's ok though! I stopped! But there was about a week where I was having trouble. It wasn't bad, nothing like last semester, mostly because a) I'm not that depressed and b) I don't have anything dangerous to cut with. So it's been pretty lame, nothing serious. I think I just hit a rough patch and have been feeling really overwhelmed with school and stuff. I only have three classes, but I just added a new club and a nonviolent communication group, plus tutoring twice a week. So instead of my week being really leisurely, it's pretty busy except for the evenings. And my Sundays are busier than I would like as well, which makes me anxious because I like to relax on Sundays. Saturdays are for work and Sundays are for rest. Wrong. Oh well...

I think I'm beginning to pull out of it though. There were a few days when I needed friends to come over, but I think those are mostly over. Yesterday was a good day, and I wasn't overly sad or wanting to cut at all. However, I'm not sure if yesterday was good because I'm doing better or because I was busy taking care of my friend. She just broke up with her boyfriend (this is the friend who was going through the same things as I was last semester, with the hospital and stuff, and is now taking a vacation term) and is totally crushed. She is taking some time off school, but it's spring break so she's visiting this week. The point is that her douchey boyfriend broke up with her in a really horrible way on Monday night, and I didn't find out till Tuesday afternoon when she called me crying, saying that she couldn't go to the dining hall for lunch because she didn't want to see him (we were supposed to go to lunch together). Anyway, I was watching her/worrying about her all day, so there wasn't time for depression or cutting. I could have been depressed or cut after she and my other friend left at midnight, but I wasn't/didn't. So maybe I'm getting out of this crap! But really, it's not that bad. It could be a lot worse, trust me.

So that's that. How about some happy news? Yah!  IT'S SPRING BREAK! F*** yes. I've stopped cursing so I can't say it. But yay!! I've waited so long for this week, and it's pretty sweet. I still have a ton of homework, but the relaxing is fairly amazing too. Mostly I'm enjoying the fact that my friends don't have homework due tomorrow so they can actually hang out whenever they want to! It's freakin amazing. I've been taking more time for myself too, reading the Bible, watching way too much Say Yes to the Dress (so... many... dresses...), and reading this book on nonviolent communication that the director of the Spiritual Life program lent me. I've been working too, and I'm trying to get all my homework for the day done at work, so then I can hang with friends and relax when I'm home. Yayayayayayayayayayayayayay!

Well, that's all for now folks. Btw, how do I have 120 followers? I'm not posting anymore! My follower count has increased since I stopped posting. Wtf?
Anyway, bye! Love you all :)