Sunday, May 1, 2011


So I've kind of realized that this blog is about eating disorder stuff, but I haven't been writing about eating disorder stuff really at all recently. And that's not because I'm recovered, it's just not at the forefront of my life right now. So let's see...

I'm actually doing pretty well with food stuff right now. I feel fat sometimes. Mostly it's when I'm about to shower and I see myself naked in the mirror. It's also when I see pictures of myself; that really freaks me out and I make friends delete pictures (on their cameras, not when they have been posted) of me when I think I look fat in them. But mostly I'm trying to focus on my good parts, like the fact that I have great curves and am super sexy. And apparently I'm beautiful, so I'm trying to tell myself that too. I've also been praying a lot for God to show me how He sees me, and to help me see myself that way too.

In terms of eating, I'm being pretty "normal," whatever that is. Since Lent ended, I've been able to eat sweets again (fuck yes!), which is probably the most exciting thing ever. But I'm not going too overboard. I think not eating chocolate for so long has made it impossible for me to consume as much as I used to, so that's a good thing. I generally eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Sometimes I overeat if it's really good, and sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry. I've noticed that I have a big thing about meal times. If I don't get to eat at the time that I thought I would, I freak out a little. If I wanted to go to dinner at 5 and I don't, it is a big deal for me. And if I want to nap and get food later, I won't because dinner is at 5. No exceptions. I'm also really possessive about my food - don't take it, it's mine, bitch!

All that said, I'm trying to embrace the foods I like and not make myself eat the foods I don't like. I freaking love macaroni and cheese. I also really freaking love corn. And chocolate. And granola and yogurt. I freaking hate waffles. I also really freaking hate scones. And meat (but I'm a vegetarian so this is not surprising). I think I present a pretty healthy relationship with food to others. I eat without thinking too much about calories and about how it will look to other people. So that's good!

But basically, it's as good as it's ever been, I think. I don't particularly care what people think about me, which is good for me. I usually care a TON. Well, I don't care what people think of my body. I care what they think about other things, but that's for a different blog.

Ok, enough. I'm still writing those papers. This is a great procrastination tool too! Delicious...

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