Saturday, May 21, 2011
First week home
Being home is weird. I like that I have basically nothing to do, but I also really miss a lot of things about school. The main thing I miss is having people to talk to. I really, really miss being able to call up a friend and go to their room to hang out for a bit, or having dinner with a friend in the dining hall. I miss talking. I miss PEOPLE! I've been so deprived that I've taken to having conversations with myself and my cats. Hmm...
I also miss having friends that can come over during a crisis. I have been having bad nights the past week, and I can never get in touch with anyone. I have been having flashbacks and anxiety about my rape (from December). I been texting about 6 friends, but never get a text back because it's 2 am in their time zone. I don't want to call them, mostly because a) I hate disturbing people, and b) my parents might wonder why I'm on the phone. Last night I finally got up the nerve to go on this online hotline thing for rape survivors, which was helpful. I wanted a real friend though.
One thing that I do like about being home is my access to churches and related activities. I tried out a new church this Sunday and liked it pretty well. I'm going to go again this Sunday, and I joined a small group called Core Truths to Build Your Life On, which sounds good and starts on June 8th. I also went to this AMAZING worship night/bible study thing at a different church tonight. It's something that a friend took me to a few times when I was a freshman in college. It's for college-age people and it was super fun. And I made a friend! Perhaps I won't be so alone after all.
In other news, I have been having a little eating disorder trouble this week too. It's difficult being at home, because I get a lot of criticism from my mother about my weight. And even when she doesn't say anything about it, I know what she's thinking. The first few days I was home, I weighed myself every day. Bad move, I know. And of course, my weight went down and I started to get a little obsessed. It's addicting to see that number get lower and lower each day! At that point, my weight was 5 pounds less than it had been a few weeks earlier. And all I could think about was how I could keep in there or lose more. And then I realized what was going on... and stopped. I have the urge to step on the scale every time I go in the bathroom, but I haven't weighed myself in at least 3 days. I can't remember exactly how many days. I also waffle between liking my body and thinking I'm gross, often during the same 5 minutes. And since I've been iffy on liking my body, my eating has been a little messed up and I tend to eat more than I need, just because I am afraid that I won't be able to get more food later. So it's been a little tougher this week than previous weeks, but I think I'm doing alright with it.
Ok, that's enough rambling. I'm sure I've put you to sleep by now. I'll update more later :)