Monday, May 23, 2011

Memory, all alone in the moonlight...

I was searching everywhere today for this notebook that my sister gave me a while ago, and on the way, I took a trip down memory lane. Among other things, I read the three journals that I kept while I was deep in my eating disorder in high school. Basically they are from 2005, 2006, and 2007. A bit of 2008 too. While most of it was horribly depressing, it also reminds me how far I've come. I don't think about that much.

One of the journals is from when I first went into recovery in early 2007. I wasn't super committed to recovery then. I wanted so badly to stop the bingeing, purging, fasting, laxatives cycle, but I didn't want to be healthy either. I still really, really wanted to lose weight. Half my journal entries were about how I wanted to eat healthier but was terrified to get fat. And about every other journal entry was a new food plan. I was OBSESSED with food plans. I never make food plans now, because they don't work for me. But then, I made them all the time. The entries usually went like this:

  • Week 1- I'm doing so great! I'm not using my ED behaviors and I feel like my body is ok today.
  • Week 2- I think I need to be healthier. Here is this food plan that cuts out the unhealthy things (chocolate, soda, fat, carbs, everything nutritious, etc.) that I feel are holding me back from recovery. 
  • Week 3- I'm relapsing! Oh no! I'd better talk to my therapist or something. 
  • Weeks 4 through 6- Repeat first three weeks. 

It was actually kind of sad to read about, because I never saw the pattern when it was happening. That's always how it is, isn't it?

But these journals remind me how much healthier I am now than I was then. And how much healthier I am than I was in August, or December. I don't think I'm horribly fat all the time. I actually appreciate my curves. I am not making food plans every other week. I think I'm beautiful and sexy. I don't go on crazy binges, and I don't fast for days at a time. I don't feel guilty when I eat chocolate.

I also don't want to die. One of the most striking things from one of the journals was my suicide plan. I think it was October of 2006. I made a pros and cons list of killing myself (isn't that just like me? I always make pros and cons lists about EVERYTHING). But this reminds me that I don't want to go back to that. I am always incredibly unhappy when I'm in my disorder. Every time I have relapsed, I have wanted to die. Not right away, because I lose weight at first. But once it starts getting out of control and I start hating myself more, then I want to kill myself. When my ED and my cutting peaked in 2006, I hated myself intensely. I was never happy for more than a few minutes. My self worth was completely dependent on my food intake and how much weight I was losing. I am so glad that I am less like that now. I am so glad that I can look back and see my mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them.

Anyway, that's enough of that. Home is good. I have twenty million doctor appointments this week. Eye doctor, podiatrist (foot doctor), physical therapy. Other than that, I will just be chilling and trying to make friends. Have a good Monday everyone!

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